Evil Leaders League

Welcome to the ELL

2010-10-06T21:28:00.004-04:00

The Evil Leaders League was a league of evil leaders. It lasted seven prolific seasons, beginning in January 2007 and ending in June 2010. Among its successes, the ELL (for short) was solely responsible for the resignation of former Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf and the death of the dictator of Gabon, Omar Bongo. The ELL was also directly, if belatedly, responsible for the Arab Awakening in the Middle East. Despite the rather astonishing historical significance of the Evil Leaders League, all good things must come to an end. Plus, there were only so many dick jokes one could make about Kazakhstan's president, Nursultan Nazarbayev, without becoming redundant.

You are invited to browse the Evil Leaders League website. That can be done by clicking the features above and on the left to see past results or an evil leader's profile. Sit back and enjoy a holocaust's worth of hilarity.

Season 7 in Review

2010-06-10T00:21:00.004-04:00

Maybe it's like retiring in the emotion following a tough fight, but the Evil Leaders League has had a good run. All good things must come to an end, although it seems all evil leaders go on for decades. What gives? Anyway. we've had a good run. The ELL ousted Musharraf from power, no small task. We were instrumental in Omar Bongo's death. The regret is that we couldn't depose or kill (not CIA style, mind you) more of these evil bastards. But taking down two evil leaders is pretty good for an obscure website devoted to meshing politics and anal warts jokes.

The Champion - Than Shwe 4-3 (2-0)
Sure, the Burmese ruler of Myanmar is evil. He's killed protesting Buddhist monks. He refused international aid for his suffering people in the wake of a devastating cyclone. He does not allow dissents. And he's secretly attempting to build a nuclear program. But none of those reasons are why he won this season. The real reason is that Ellen Page really hates Than Shwe, and I appreciate her dry wit.

Check out the best out-of-context lines from this season in the Highlights section.

The Challengers
Hamid Karzai 5-2 (1-1) - Bush's boy has been Obama's headache. Karzai has always been ineffective and has allowed corruption, but this season he upped the ante by threatening to join the Taliban.
Omar al-Bashir 6-1 (0-1) - A genocide has only so much shelf life. At some point, it becomes yesterday's news without help from a highly-paid PR firm.
Kim Jong-Il 5-2 (0-1) - He must've been picked on as a child, 'cuz he sure relishes the role of instigating things. Maybe the kids didn't like his hair, sunglasses, or autocratic personality.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 3-4 - If rhetoric was evil action, he'd be Muhammad Ali. As it is, he's Andrew Golata.

The Relegated
Teodoro Obiang 3-4 - When you live in an oil rich country, people tend to let your evil quirks slide.
Silvio Berlusconi 2-5 - 3-time prime minister, corruption allegations, extra-marital affairs, the mafia, statue in the face- doesn't make for much of an evil leader, but it's enough for a hell of a sitcom.
Evo Morales 0-7 - Latin America's cutest indigenous leader is a leftist, socialist, Marxist. But it's 2010, this side of Pat Boone, who really cares any more?

What have we learned from this seven season exercise? Perhaps it's that there are leaders who perform evil acts and their biggest punishment is a stern scolding. Perhaps it's that the human mind seems to be able to justify any evil. Perhaps it's that the U.S. mistakes truly despicable leaders and those who pose little to no threat but have competing interests with the U.S. Perhaps it's that Uzbekistan's President Islam Karimov produces more milk a year from his giant man boobs than all of his country's goats combined.

Maybe we haven't really learned anything. At the very least, we hope you chuckled out loud at least once during these seven glorious seasons.

Season 7, ELL Finals Game 2

2010-05-31T00:16:00.003-04:00

Will Than Shwe take another evil title or will Hamid Karzai keep the series going? Let's find out, shall we?

Karzai vs Shwe
Hamid Karzai's desire for negotiations with the Taliban is like your friend who is hell-bent on calling his ex-girlfriend one more time because "Maybe this time she'll see that we were meant to be together." His buddies in the Afghan parliament can't convince him to forget about the Taliban and put the other pieces of his life back together. Plus, the Taliban will never respond with Karzai seeming so desperate. Maybe Karzai should get away and take some time just for himself.

Shwe's the Burmese ruler of Myanmar.
He's been in power for twenty years.
When Buddhist monks protested in 2007,
Each one was kicked in their rears.

Shwe let people die and lose their home after the 2008 cyclone
Until he's killed, his power will continue to build.
Coming are stolen elections and nuclear weapons.
Kyi is still under arrest and the opposition suppressed,
So, is Than Shwe the champion of the evilest?

Dedicated to Saw Wei.
winner: Shwe
series: Shwe 2-0

Congratulations to Than Shwe for winning back-to-back Evil Leaders League championships! Here's hoping he pulls a John Elway and retires on top. The season in review extravaganza is still to come.

Season 7, ELL Finals Game 1

2010-05-24T00:17:00.003-04:00

The Evil Leaders League Finals is so great because it features the best aspects of life: competition, evil guys, and dick jokes. As always, the ELL Finals is a best out of three affair (first competitor to reach two victories grabs the title) with each contest coming only a week after the previous one. Than Shwe, the Burmese python of Myanmar, is hoping to win his second ELL championship. He hopes to win his titles back-to-back, which coincidentally is the position Buddhist monks in his country are put in before they're shot. Hamid Karzai, the hat of Afghanistan is hoping to pull a Magic Johnson and win a title in his first year in the league.

Shwe vs. Karzai
Shwe, whose face looks like it's trying to eat itself, has been having a great year. He's in the process of consolidating his power and working to create legitimacy for his regime by holding elections and civilianizing his government. His political opponents have been jailed and he's still on his secret quest to obtain nuclear weapons. He even managed to marry away his ugly daughter. In a period of four months, Than Shwe has managed to conclusively contradict the concept of karma. Next he's going after the notion of humanity.

Karzai and U.S. President Barack Obama attempted to make up last week after a long spat. Obama gave Karzai a vote of confidence; Karzai said he won't join the Taliban after all. And yet, nothing really changed, the abusive relationship continues. It's very much like Bobby and Whitney. Karzai is going to continue to be corrupt and there's really nothing Obama can do about it. If only they realized this destructive cycle and decided to see other people!
winner: Shwe
series: Shwe 1-0

Season 7, Semis 2nd Leg

2010-05-10T00:12:00.007-04:00

It sucks when you don't here from a friend for a while. Especially when that friend is from one of these Evil Leaders' countries. Let's get to the final leg of the semifinals.

Kim vs Karzai
North Korea's Kim Jong-Il reminds me a lot of myself. Not because he's short. Nor because he has a heart of darkness. But because he's been playing the same song since 2002. We get it. Threaten everyone with nuclear weapons. Receive aid to disarm. Fail to disarm. Rinse. Repeat. The North Korean military thinks it's played out and could be looking to switch to a new artist already.

Hamid Karzai, the leader of Afghanistan- well, Kabul anyway- is coming to Washington. Presumably to officially meet with President Obama and not in order to make a bungled attempt to blow up the city as a member of the Taliban. One can only hope.
winner 2nd leg: Karzai by 8
winner overall: Karzai by 14

al-Bashir vs Shwe
Some men have an ability to justify even the most heinous actions. To claim that they possess calluses on their soul is to acknowledge its presence, a dubious assumption. One man fitting the above description has seen his name by the title Head of State in Sudan for twenty long years. That man is Omar al-Bashir. Despite his role in a vicious civil war, by civil war standards, and a horrific genocide, by genocide standards, the Obama administration has decided to live and let live. Unless, of course, you "live" in Darfur.

Another character whose name is interchangeable with the introduction to this piece is Myanmar's Than Shwe of Burma. The list of his human rights violations wanders the length of the Irrawaddy River. And that's only if you're using a small font. But it is inspiring that Than Shwe is so active at such an advanced age. He's just like Betty White. Except slightly more evil.
winner 2ng leg: Shwe by 7
winner overall: Shwe by 3

Season 7, Semis 1st Leg

2010-04-26T00:53:00.004-04:00

It's playoff time! But before we get there, we've got some business to attend to. We need to determine who will return next season and who won't. Let's do that now.

Obiang vs Ahmadinejad
Both finished at 3-4 this regular season. Teodoro Obiang has initiated a new after school program called "Children Sleep Now." To celebrate, Obiang has decided to kidnap his opponents. Oh, snap, pun! Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was doing some celebrating of his own last week. In honor of his boastful claims about Iran's nuclear prowess, the nervousness he causes Israel and the U.S., and a successfully stolen election, Ahmadinejad decided to do a little manscaping. He trimmed his lush chest hair. After weighing himself, he discovered that he had lost 3 pounds! Presumably in the chest area.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Now on to the playoffs. The semifinals will consist of two legs, best aggregate score wins. Enjoy or be tortured.

Shwe vs al-Bashir
This is a rematch of last season's semifinals. Myanmar's Than Shwe has decided he doesn't want international observers to oversee the upcoming Burmese elections. He has his own band of child soldiers to fill that role. Plus, international observers will probably just try to fuck up his plan to steal the election. He doesn't need that drama. Omar al-Bashir of Sudan wants to do everything himself, just like Dwyane Wade. He controls his country's elections and also gets to determine who lives and who dies. Not good news for Carlos Arroyo.
winner: al-Bashir by 4

Karzai vs Kim
Afghanistan's leader, Hamid Karzai, is a lot like J.R. Smith; who knows which side he's on (Sorry, I've been watching a lot of playoff basketball). He was Bush's best friend, but now has threatened to join the Taliban. That leaves the U.S. searching for another route to exert influence in Afghanistan, which is like trying to have sex with super Christian girls who want to save it for marriage. The U.S. has opted for the Afghan parliament, a.k.a. the assholes.

So, apparently, North Korea did sink that South Korean ship from last month. That's a lesson for South Korea, always go with your instinct. My instinct tells me that Kim sent out a recent press release saying that he is a "global fashion trendsetter" after the ELL reported that he had won Mr. Blackwell's Worst Dressed Dictator Since Gaddafi award in Week 5. How can a person be a "global fashion trendsetter" if they're just jacking Estelle Getty's style from 25 years ago?
winner: Karzai by 6

Season 7, Week 7

2010-04-12T20:47:00.004-04:00

Evil leaders are a lot like women. They'll rip your heart out.

Kim vs Karzai
With instability on the rise in North Korea, people are continuing to flee to that beacon, that bastion of authoritarian isolation, China. When your citizens are going in droves to an overcrowded communist nation, you know you done fucked things up. But there is speculation that people are only leaving because they don't want to catch whatever secret illness Kim Jong-Il has.

Hamid Karzai threw a hissy fit recently, claiming if the West forced reforms on his corrupt administration, he'd quit his post and join the Taliban. This is great news for the U.S.'s War on Terror! If Karzai joins the Taliban, his incompetent leadership will surely bring them down, a feat the U.S. military hasn't been able to accomplish.
winner: Karzai

Obiang vs Shwe
Following the news is making Teodoro Obiang feel down. The death of the Polish president, a coup in Kyrgyzstan, it's enough to make even the most entrenched dictator nervous. His doctors have advised Obiang to turn away from Fox News for a while and instead watch something healing, like The Marriage Ref.

Myanmar's Than Shwe hopes to gain legitimacy among his junta-ruling compadres in the upcoming Burmese elections. The elections will help him accomplish his two goals. The first is turning Myanmar into a nuclear state so that it can blackmail for aid in the fashion of North Korea. The other goal for the octogenarian is a Golden Girls reunion, which might be more difficult due to the deaths of Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty.
winner: Shwe

al-Bashir vs Morales
Even Ralph Nader boycotted the recent elections in Sudan and that guy has an electoral fetish stronger than Tiger Woods' for party girls. In fact, only one person's vote was counted. It happened to be that of longtime president Omar al-Bashir, who surprisingly voted for himself. Evo Morales had his own little election in Bolivia. I guess the cute indigenous authoritarian demagogue isn't as all-powerful as he thought. His party gained mixed success in the recent regional elections. It seems totalitarianism is no match when up against a little dose of democracy.
winner: al-Bashir

Ahmadinejad vs Belusconi
Iranian head honcho, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, wrote a letter to the UN's Secretary General, Ban Ki-Moon, asking him to look into the attacks of September 11. The impetus was this awesome documentary Ahmadinejad saw on YouTube while he was high. In the correspondence, Ahmadinejad writes:

Dear Rev. Sun Myung,
Dude, on 9/11 the CIA put bombs in the buildings just as they were calling all of the Jews to stay home from work that day. And did you know that George W. Bush is an anagram for terrorist in Farsi? Check that shit out, Secretary Reverend.
Sincerely,
M. Ahmadin... whatever

Billionaire playoldman and corrupt Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlsuconi, had sex with me and everyone I know. He then took money from all of our bank accounts. I knew I shouldn't have trusted some random old man I saw wacking off on Chat Roulette. Live and learn.
winner: Ahmadinejad

click for Standings

Season 7, Week 6

2010-03-29T00:46:00.005-04:00

For the next 8 days, Jews can't eat anything leavened. How about, in honor of the Jews, for the next 8 days our leaders give up killing people. Is that too much to ask?

Kim vs al-Bashir
North Korea was originally suspected of sinking a South Korean battleship. It fits in with Kim Jong-Il's plan to rule his nation based on his favorite childhood board games. It's why he holds a monopoly on everything in the country. Unfortunately for his citizens, however, he never liked the game of Life. South Korea later had to admit that the North wasn't responsible for their ship sinking. Hey, when your spouse is always cheating, you don't assume they're absent because they're working late.

Omar al-Bashir says the ICC warrant on charges of genocide boosted his popularity. The same can be said for Jesse James. Further proof that girls like the bad boy. A few newspaper editors were questioned recently for insulting al-Bashir. So ladies, he's sensitive too. Add to his description that he's very committed to his faith and you get the perfect dreamboat.
winner: al-Bashir

Shwe vs Ahmadinejad
Myanmar junta leader Than Shwe says that his Burmese citizens should avoid "divisive acts" in order to keep the country's road to democracy on track, which makes about as much sense as O.J. writing a book entitled If I Did It to prove his innocence. But it's an understandable mistake; Burmese dictionaries skip from demobilize to démodé (Don't think about that one too much).

Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is like an absurdly arrogant geek who acts hard on the internet because he knows he'll never have to back it up. The bearded big mouth claims the sanctions placed against Iran for their pursuit of nuclear technology won't hurt the poor Persian nation. How can he make such an outrageous claim? Hey, his term will be up in a few years and then he'll be out like Clay Aiken.
winner: Shwe

Obiang vs Berlusconi
The head of Equatorial Guinea, Teodoro Obiang, didn't have much going on this week besides being caught leering through the window of a yoga studio and being asked to leave. Obiang claims he was merely on his way towards the nearby Burger King, but the yoga instructor asserts the dictator was frozen in place outside of the yoga studio for several minutes mumbling something about young juicy tushes.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's party faired poorly in recent regional elections. Berlusconi has no idea why. People don't like an incompetent, corrupt adulterer, who childishly derides anyone who disagrees with him? I thought this was Italy!
winner: Obiang

Morales vs Karzai
Indigenous President of Bolivia, Evo Morales, is railing against American imperialism yet again. He gets his inspiration from the large poster of Che Guevara hanging in his office. But don't get too close to the poster, it's very sticky.

As part of his gangsta upbringing, Hamid Karzai refuses to turn in one of his ministers who is accused of corruption. It's part of the gangsta code: Never give into The Man. Someone should probably tell Karzai that he is The Man. It's not standing up to authority when you are the authority. President Obama visited Karzai asking for his help on stopping corruption and to generally stop fucking things up for Obama and doing an overall shitty job.
winner: Karzai

click for Standings

Season 7, Week 5

2010-03-15T00:03:00.004-04:00

I'm thinking about making this league infinitely more confusing by adding continent tournaments after the regular season that will determine who makes the playoffs. In any event, let's get to the results.

Kim vs Obiang
It's been a bad week for Kim Jong-Il of North Korea. He could be indicted by the International Criminal Court and he was named as Mr. Blackwell's Worst Dressed Dictator Since Gaddafi. Apparently, "the style of the two men resembles half the cast of a 1980s sitcom about the sex lives of elderly women." Meeeow!

British mercenary Simon Mann was recently released from prison after being convicted of trying to overthrow Equatorial Guinean President Teodoro Obiang. Mann's wife called Obiang a "lovely" dictator. She also said he has the softest balls, like a kitten; he has a succulent mushroom head, and the asshole of an angel. Obiang reportedly made sure Mann received excellent care while in prison, including quality health care and gourmet meals. Kinda makes you think the rest of Equatorial Guinea should try to overthrow him.
winner: Kim

Karzai vs Shwe
According to his psychiatrist, Adam Silverberg, Hamid Karzai wears his trademark karakul hat in an attempt to replace his feelings of inadequacy with the attention the garish accessory brings. The source of his feelings of inadequacy stems from his inability to restore law and order to Kandahar, do anything to stop the Taliban, or be fairly elected. Dr. Silverberg describes Karzai's condition as "electile dysfunction."

Even before Than Shwe steals the upcoming Burmese election, his Myanmar-ruling junta is stealing everything else. As they begin "privatizing" the economy. They're selling off state assets to the highest bidder (who happens to be associated with the junta). Democratization and capitalism. See, Than Shwe is finally appeasing the West!
winner: Karzai

Morales vs Ahmadinejad
Bolivian president, Evo Morales, is a radical authoritarian and harsh critic of the U.S. He claims that the U.S. is trying to control Latin American governments through its war on drugs and that the U.S. dominates the OAS. I bet he probably holds the genocide of his fellow Indians against us too. That crazy socialist dictator needs a reality check. But seriously, I wouldn't smoke your next cigar.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has recently called the attacks of 9/11 a lie, saying that if you believe 9/11 happened, then you probably believe the refs didn't give the Super Bowl to the Saints. Ahmadinejad is a huge Colts fan. In fact, in his mind, the Colts have won the last 5 Super Bowls. Contrary to U.S. policy, the NFL has chosen to ignore the Iranian leader and his incendiary statements.
winner: Ahmadinejad

al-Bashir vs Berlusconi
Regardless of the possible peace deal between the government and Darfur rebels or his recent campaigning in Rumbek, analysts applaud al-Bashir's electoral strategy. The strategy? Stealing it. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi once hired the mafia to protect his family. But that was a long time ago. Recently, he's been racking up mistresses and corruption charges. You wonder why people are coming out in droves to protest this guy? I mean, he's Italian, what do you expect? Have these people never watched The Godfather?
winner: al-Bashir

click for Standings

Season 7, Week 4

2010-03-01T00:19:00.004-05:00

AmIAnnoying.com, a site that almost makes less sense than this one, has a collection featuring the Evil Leaders League's competitors. So far, 7 of our evil leaders, from past and present seasons, have an annoying rating of 100%, with Season 5's Ayatollah Khamenei garnering the most votes from this group this year. Felipe Calderon, from Season 4, is the only participant with an under 50% annoying rating. But what about his plot to invade America with a squadron of illegal immigrants and talking chihuahuas? Anyway, let's get to the results.

Shwe vs al-Bashir
Aung San Suu Kyi, one of the numerous political prisoners in Than Shwe's Myanmar, lost her latest appeal to end over a decade under house arrest. Lucky for her, she has X-Box 360 and a killer sound system in her house. Unlucky for the rest of the country, she's still not free to lead them. But lucky for Shwe as it bolsters his evilness cred. He's keeping it real.

A peace deal between Omar al-Bashir's Sudanese government and the rebels of Darfur has actually been met with an increase in fighting. It was probably a bad sign that the paper the peace agreement was printed on used to be the skin of a former Darfur resident. That should've been the rebel's first clue things wouldn't work out.
winner: al-Bashir

Ahmadinejad vs Kim
In a bid to be Barry Sanders to Israel's Harlon Barnett, Iran is reportedly trying to avoid a hit by hiding their nukes in a mountain, which is a good reason to boycott the 2018 Winter Olympics in Tehran. Well, at least the skiers should. Very crafty by Iranian leader, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is short, hirsute, and likes to make Holocaust jokes. Are we sure he isn't a Jew?

Celebrating Kim Jong-Il's 68th birthday, North Korean officials regarded him as "peerlessly brilliant because we've never heard of Albert Einstein. Not even Amartya Sen." But before you scoff so loudly someone in the room asks, "What?" consider this: Kim is an international pariah, has spent his entire reign starving his people, and may have died 5 years ago; yet, he's still in power! Pretty genius if you think about.
winner: Kim

Berlusconi vs Karzai
The womanizing xenophobic Prime Minister of Italy is Silvio Berlusconi. Berlusconi is facing 2 corruption charges, inducing him to describe the Italian legal system as run by a band of Taliban (or a "Taliband" if you will and hope that you won't). After renting a DVD of the Sopranos and watching episodes of the Jersey Shore online, the Taliban said they were offended to be associated with anything Italian.

The opponents of Afghan leader Hamid Karzai note that the country's justice system is in shambles. They describe the legal system as run by a band of Italians. Karzai admitted that he's an election-stealing, corrupt, incompetent leader, but claimed that was going too far. The opposition quickly apologized.
winner: Berlusconi

Morales vs Obiang
Bolivia's President Evo Morales is an inspiration to indigenous people, has worked to empower women in his country, and has acted to alleviate poverty. But he doesn't have to be so fucking arrogant about it.

Captain Bienvenido Esono Engoga, a high-level security officer, has been fired and arrested for attempting to kill Equatorial Guinean dictator, Teodoro Obiang. Obiang has ruled Equatorial Guinea for 30 years and recently won another 7-year term with 95.73% of the vote. I guess we know at least one of the 4.27% who didn't vote him. Captain Engoga said he never really meant to kill the ruthless totalitarian; he was just being sarcastic.
winner: Obiang

click for Standings

Season 7, Week 3

2010-02-15T00:37:00.006-05:00

I think the amount of snow that fell on the DC area recently gave a few of our evil leaders some new torture ideas. Let's get to the results.

Karzai vs Ahmadinejad
As Nelson Mandela famously explained, his tribe, the Zulu, have a tradition where boys are circumcised at age 19. The Popolzai, Afghan head Hamid Karzai's tribe, have a similar tradition where a 52-year-old's sack finally drops. Karzai celebrated by demanding a halt to the killing of Afghan civilians and asking for a handover of security to begin this year. He also has called for reconciliation with the Taliban. That might be good policy for Afghanistan, but in the U.S., that's about as evil as a gay marriage. Or a slight increase in government regulation.

In a recent speech to Hashish Partiers, Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was caught with notes written on his hand. The notes read: 1) Arrest political opponents 2) Get nuclear weapon 3) Lower Jewish spirits. Most conservative Iranians found the act to be "folksy."
winner: Karzai

Berlusconi vs Kim
On a recent trip to Israel, Silvio Berlusconi, the Prime Minister of Italy, didn't notice that a wall separates it from Palestine. He also didn't notice that, at the checkpoint, he had to get out of an official Israeli car and into an official Palestinian one. He said he was concentrating too hard on what he was going to say at an upcoming press conference. He should use the same excuse with his wife. "Sorry honey. I was so focused on my speech, I had no idea I was fucking that girl."

Kim Jong-Il calls the charge that wild swings in North Korea's currency are responsible for the country's mass starvation, "Western lies and propaganda." The bespectacled autocrat claims with a good bit of indignation that his currency policy has had nothing to do with the crisis; his people have been starving for years!
winner: Kim

Obiang vs al-Bashir
Eve, the rapper, and her boyfriend are in trouble on suspicions of money laundering. Eve's boyfriend happens to the Minister of Agriculture and Forestry in Equatorial Guinea. The Minister of Agriculture and Forestry happens to be the son of President Teodoro Obiang. In other news, Missy Elliot is dating the Minister of Relations with the Parliament and Judicial Affairs of the Government Angel Masie Mibuy, Da Brat is with the Minister of Foreign Affairs, International Cooperation, and Francophony Micha Ondo Bile, and Foxy Brown is tied to the Minister of Justice, Cults, and Penitentiary Institutions Mauricio Bokung Asumu. What can I say, '90s female rappers are into Equatorial Guinean ministers.

Sudanese Omar al-Bashir's Chief of Staff reportedly called moderate Islamic fundamentalists "fucking retards." When asked if he should lose his job for the comment, a random woman from Darfur said, "Oh my word, that's a terrible thing to say. I haven't eaten for 8 months, the government-funded Janjaweed militia cut off my nose and raped me 17 times, but that's objectionable. The feelings of a particularly sensitive person could've been hurt. What a tragedy."
winner: al-Bashir

Shwe vs Morales
Myanmar's Burmese ruler, Than Shwe, asserts that his country's upcoming elections will be as "free and fair" as Fox News is "fair and balanced." He added, "They'll be free alright. But just remember, you get what you pay for." Not only is Bolivian president Evo Morales a trouble-making indigenous leftist, but he's also one of those feminazis, as he has been promoting women's rights. If the women aren't in the kitchen, who's going to stick his political opponents in the oven?
winner: Shwe

click for Standings

Season 7, Week 2

2010-02-01T00:07:00.004-05:00

I wonder what percentage of evil leaders had big titties when they were little boys. Maybe there's some kind of little boy titties to evilness correlation. Somebody's got to do a study on this. I nominate Kansas State.

Shwe vs Kim
Burmese ruler Than Shwe recently decreed that, when it comes to elections, it's Myanmar not Youranmar. He has the sharing habits of a kindergartener. However, Shwe has said that he will release democracy advocate and former candidate Aung San Suu Kyi in November. Just in time for sweeps! And just in time for Suu Kyi to congratulate the winner of Myanmar's first election since she won twenty years ago. North Korea, led by Kim Jong-Il, is going to test missiles yet again. This does nothing to counter the stereotype that Asians love tests.
winner: Kim

Berlusconi vs Morales
The Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, who's had more cosmetic surgeries than the cast of The Hills, is in the middle a of corruption scandal. Jay Leno is the host of The Tonight Show. What is this, 1994? Well no, 'cause then Berlusconi's mistress would only be 4 years old. While watching Evo Morales's second inauguration as the president of Bolivia, I forgot he was a radical anti-American socialist. Mostly because I was focusing on how distinctly Indian he looks. Plus I don't speak Spanish, so who knows what the hell he was saying.
winner: Berlusconi

al-Bashir vs Ahmadinejad
Everyone knows Omar al-Bashir and Tiger Woods have had PR problems of late. But did you know they both hired the same publicist? Unfortunately the publicist got confused, which is why Omar al-Bashir recently checked himself into sex rehab and Tiger Woods declared that he would honor the results of a referendum on southern Sudan's self-determination scheduled for 2011.

As was the case with George W. Bush, Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was elected president amid controversy over hanging chads- especially if chad is a pseudonym for Iranian opposition activists. Ahmadinejad's just lucky he hung people and not dogs, or else PETA would be on his ass. And he'd have to serve jail time, too.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Karzai vs Obiang
Afghanistan's Hamid Karzai reinstated human rights violator Abdul Rashid Dostum over the West's objections.
THIS JUST IN: General Dostum reportedly has inappropriate pictures of Hamid Karzai. An inside source familiar with one photo claims that, in the depiction, Karzai has exchanged his trademark karakul hat and emerald green cape for a sequined one-piece, sunglasses, and a jheri curl in an apparent tribute to Michael Jackson. In the snapshot, Karzai is grabbing his crotch with his gloved hand and saluting with the other, tears streaming down his cheeks.

In granting Haiti aid after a devastating earthquake, Teodoro Obiang is quoted as saying, "Although our two countries are separated by an ocean, Equatorial Guinea stands with the victims in Haiti in this time of distress and chaos." On receiving aid from a nation with a life expectancy of 42.8 years, Haitian officials have called it the country's "Joe Pisarcik moment."
winner: Karzai

click for Standings

Season 7, Week 1

2010-01-18T00:08:00.003-05:00

We're back! And we're doing things a little different this season. Each contest will occur every two weeks. Yet, each round of battles will curiously be labeled the same as before (Week 1, Week 2, etc.). Hey, the Dallas Cowboys are in the East; competition doesn't make sense sometimes. The change will give each evil leader more time to commit their evil deeds. And, hopefully, increase the quality of each post. Everything else will be the same.

Let's meet the competitors:
Than Shwe - leader of Myanmar since 1992. Champion last season.
Kim Jong-Il - head of North Korea since 1994. Finished 2nd.
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Finished 3rd.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - a leader of Iran since 2005. Finished 4th.
Teodoro Obiang - ruling Equatorial Guinea since 1979. Finished 5th.
Silvio Berlusconi - Prime Minister for the 3rd time since 2008. New.
Hamid Karzai - ruler of Afghanistan since 2001. New.
Evo Morales - President of Bolivia since 2006. New.

Shwe vs Berlusconi
Than Shwe, the Burmese bomber, will oversee elections in Myanmar this year. He has urged his people to make the "correct choices." Some might argue the implied portion of that quote is... "or you will be chopped up into little pieces and fed to the dogs," but I say that's just good campaigning. No one would bat an eye if Obama made that claim before this year's midterms.

I don't know why the recent attack against Silvio Berlusconi was such a big story. The rule is after every 10 scandals, you get hit in the face with a statuette of Milan Cathedral. It's right there in the Italian Constitution. And don't get too upset that his 18-year old mistress is young enough to be his great granddaughter. You should be upset that she might actually be his great granddaughter. He has so many, it's hard to keep track.
winner: Shwe

Kim vs Morales
I'm the Kim Jong-Illest emcee
Who heads North Korea? That be me
Sell nukes to pariahs for a fee
While I laugh as my peeps go hun-gry
From the hit song "I'm the Kim Jong-Illest" off the album Literally Born to Rule, which, according to an official government press release, has gone 10 times platinum in North Korea.

Evo Morales is the first indigenous president of Bolivia, which means the conquistadores failed to eradicate at least one Indian tribe. That's egg on their faces. America is worried about Morales because he's your typical Latin American leftist. He nationalized the oil industry and demands reparations from industrialized nations over climate change. But, as is the case with all liberal men, he only holds these positions in an attempt to sleep with Jane Fonda.
winner: Kim

Karzai vs al-Bashir
I don't want to say Hamid Karzai stole the recent Afghan presidential election held last August. I also don't want to say that Tiger Woods enjoys philandering. Stating the obvious makes me gassy. Omar al-Bashir's Sudan is also set to have an election this year. Most pundits don't think al-Bashir will lose. Mostly because if anyone else receives a vote, they die. Who knows, maybe they'll get reincarnated into people who vote for Karzai next time.
winner: al-Bashir

Ahmadinejad vs Obiang
One of the conundrums surrounding Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is that he's evil enough to provoke protests for the last 7 months, and yet, not evil enough to halt people from protesting for the last 7 months. Another conundrum is how a short hirsute man dressed in casual attire doesn't get more booty. I hear that's the new "in" look. Equatorial Guinea's Teodoro Obiang has pledged $2 million in aid to Haiti. See, stealing your nation's oil money can be beneficial. Now, it'd be great if only some other corrupt dictator would give a part of his stolen oil money to aid the majority of Equatorial Guinea's population. I'm looking at you, José Eduardo dos Santos of Angola.
winner: Obiang

click for Standings

Hamid Karzai's Record Breakdown

2010-01-07T02:28:00.000-05:00

Hamid Karzai's all-time regular season record against:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 1-0
Kim Jong-Il 1-0
Evo Morales 1-0
Teodoro Obiang 1-0
Than Shwe 1-0
Omar al-Bashir 0-1
Silvio Berlusconi 0-1

Total: 5-2

Karzai's all-time playoff record against:

Kim Jong-Il 1-0
Than Shwe 0-1

Total: 1-1

Evo Morales's Record Breakdown

2010-01-07T01:57:00.002-05:00

Evo Morales's all-time regular season against:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 0-1
Omar al-Bashir 0-1
Silvio Berlusconi 0-1
Kim Jong-Il 0-1
Hamid Karzai 0-1
Teodoro Obiang 0-1
Than Shwe 0-1

Total: 0-7

Silvio Berlusconi's Record Breakdown

2010-01-05T00:11:00.001-05:00

Silvio Berlusconi's all-time regular season against:

Hamid Karzai: 1-0
Evo Morales: 1-0
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: 0-1
Omar al-Bashir: 0-1
Kim Jong-Il: 0-1
Teodoro Obiang: 0-1
Than Shwe: 0-1

Total: 2-5

Silvio Berlusconi

2010-01-04T03:11:00.005-05:00

Silvio Berlusconi finished his third non-consecutive term as the Prime Minister of Italy. This one began in 2008 and ended in disgrace in 2011. The Italian Grover Cleveland is an incompetent corrupt adulterer, who childishly derides anyone who disagrees with him, and has had ties to the mafia. He also happens to own most of Italy's media outlets and a few of their sports franchises. All of this sounds like an Italian grandmother's recipe for evil success, but a European autocrat is like a gangsta rapper repping Connecticut, it's hard to get credibility.

Overall record: 2-5
Season 7: 2-5

Playoffs: 0-0
Season 7: ---
Overall record against each opponent
Fun fact: I don't know why the attack against Silvio Berlusconi was such a big story. The rule is after every 10 scandals, you get hit in the face with a statuette of Milan Cathedral. It's right there in the Italian Constitution.

Hamid Karzai

2010-01-04T03:06:00.004-05:00

Hamid Karzai has ruled Afghanistan since 2001. He's been wearing those hats for much longer. The one-time darling of the West recently stole his first election. He's prone to sobbing in public because Snooki won't answer his letters. He also has threatened to"switch sides" if he doesn't get more space from the U.S. Claiming that you will quit the presidency and join the Taliban unless the U.S. gets off your ass about the astronomical levels of corruption in you near decade-long administration was good enough for second place in Karzai's first ELL season.

Overall record: 5-2
Season 7: 5-2

Playoff record: 1-1
Season 7: 1-1
Overall record against each opponent

Fun fact: Most Afghans don't hate Hamid Karzai because he is a corrupt incompetent douchebag. They hate him because his nickname is Ham.

Evo Morales

2010-01-04T00:59:00.005-05:00

Evo Morales has been reigning over Bolivia since 2006. That the anti-American is the first indigenous president- and has worked to help the poor, women, and the environment- might be a reason to celebrate for some tree-hugging feminazi socialists, but not true hardworking decent middle Americans. Those good patriotic Americans would prefer Morales's brand of "authoritarian" progressivism be with the rest of the Indians, buried on page 37 of Texas textbooks and in haunted cemeteries.

Ultimately, Morales's fiery brand of anti-imperialism and cheapshots to the groin weren't enough to overcome the fact that he's just a democratically-elected Chavez-wannabe, causing him to be relegated from the ELL as quickly as he came.

Overall record: 0-7
Season 7: 0-7

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 7: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Fun fact: Evo Morales gets his inspiration from the large poster of Che Guevara hanging in his office. But don't get too close to the poster, it's very sticky.

Season 6 Review

2009-09-23T00:35:00.007-04:00

Season 6 has completed and there are still evil leaders in the world. What gives? I guess they exist so that I can make fun of them and you can have a good laugh or cringe, as the case may be. Of course, this season is dedicated to those who go to bed hungry and thirsty, to those with AIDS and malaria, and those in jail for their political beliefs.

The Champion - Than Shwe 4-3 (2-0)
Than Shwe, the military junta leader of Burma and Myanmar (depending on who you ask), finally got over the hump this season and won his first championship. His government is autocratic and refuses to provide for its citizens. Meanwhile, Shwe makes money off of his nation's stash of natural gas. He spends that money on the shiny medals that adorn his military jumpsuit. Than likes shiny. He also like doing away with Buddhist monks and democracy advocates.

Check out the best out-of-context lines from this season in the Highlights section.

The Challengers
Kim Jong-Il 6-1 (1-1) - His bipolar method of ruling landed him in second place this season.
Omar al-Bashir 5-2 (0-1) - Genocide runs thin after a while, but it's still good enough for a playoff berth.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 3-4 (0-1) - Stole an election and jailed his opponents, but looked sexy while doing it.
Teodoro Obiang 3-4 - A corrupt African dictator of an oil state isn't unique, but it does lend itself to humorous situations.

The Relegated
Bashar al-Assad 3-4 - Too many overtures to the U.S. and Israel to stay in the ELL another season.
Hugo Chavez 2-5 - His charismatic brand of socialist anti-Americanism had a long and legendary run.
Ilham Aliyev 2-5 - Squashing dissent isn't evil enough these days.

A couple of sad goodbyes:
When you do a league like this, you make a lot of friends. This season, we've lost two such people. The former president of Gabon, Omar Bongo, left us far too late earlier in the summer. He only spent one season in the league, but he will not soon be forgotten, especially by his citizens. Mostly because he ruined their lives.

Hugo Chavez has been a part of the Evil Leaders League since its inception. His combative version of socialism and tactless anti-American rhetoric provided the ELL with many jokes at his expense. It takes an unabashed egomaniac, hellbent on maintaining power and promoting his ideology regardless of practicality to survive in such a competitive league like this one for six impactful campaigns. He will be sorely missed next season.

To Omar Bongo and Hugo Chavez: Thanks for the memories.

Season 6, ELL Finals Game 2

2009-09-17T13:41:00.005-04:00

You've sat by the computer for the past three months clamoring for Evil Leaders League action. If that's true, you might want to seek professional help. Just saying. Than Shwe takes his first ELL Championship with a win; Kim Jong-Il forces a deciding Game 3 if he pulls this one out.

Kim vs Shwe
Kim is hedging his bets. He continues to run North Korea in an autocratic fashion while claiming he'll test more nuclear weapons. His love of tests isn't exactly breaking down the stereotype that all Asians are nerds. At the same time, he's made overtures to South Korea and has even taken Obama's side on an important issue. Kim also thinks Kanye West is a "jackass." Recently, Kim has tried a third route to obtaining foreign aid; he's applied to be part of season 12 of Big Brother and he plans on winning.

Like a Kenyan running the U.S., Shwe is Burmese and heads Myanmar. Shwe is a big proponent of "enhanced interrogation techniques," which are in vogue lately. His latest "technique" was to throw democracy advocate Aung San Suu Kyi into a false trial. Shwe is also a notorious recluse. The last time he was seen in public, a 22oz. Slurpee was 87 cents in Yangon, the city had no traffic lights, and Shwe could be seen sporting his military Miami Vice fluorescent green sport coat. This was last year.
winner: Shwe
series: Shwe 2-0

Congratulations to Than Shwe for winning his first Evil Leaders League championship! The season in review extravaganza is still to come.

Season 6, ELL Finals Game 1

2009-09-14T00:16:00.005-04:00

It's the event that is nearly as popular as the WNBA Finals or the MLS championship, and it's here. I'm talking about the Evil Leaders League Finals. As always, the ELL Finals is a best out of three affair (first competitor to reach two victories grabs the title) with a quick turn-around. So don't go too far. Kim Jong-Il, the leader of North Korea, is attempting to defend his title and is vying for his third overall. This would be the first such honor for the Burmese leader of Myanmar, Than Shwe. It's the first Finals without that evil legend, Omar al-Bashir, participating.

Shwe vs Kim
While sanctions remain against Than Shwe's country, he's doing alright. He and his buddies will reportedly make about $5 billion from their recent gas deal with a South Korean company. That's so much money, Shwe can use $100 bills as toilet paper, which would be better than what he uses now, the remains of Buddhist monks. Speaking of toilets, Kim Jong-Il has serious bathroom issues. I know his bladder and the only thing he does more than pee is test nuclear weapons. This latest test isn't intended to threaten South Korea, the U.S., or Japan; his target is revered footballer David Beckham.
winner: Shwe
series: Shwe 1-0

Season 6, Semis 2nd Leg

2009-09-07T00:31:00.007-04:00

We're creeping closer to the evil leader's ultimate prize (other than a nuclear weapon). That's right, the ELL championship. Let's see who made the Finals.

Kim vs Ahmadinejad
North Korea's Kim Jong-Il has been of two minds lately. To South Korea, Kim is like a bacon cheeseburger on a bun of donuts- looks like your friend, but really could kill you. He's shown signs of reconciliation one day and the next he claims he'll annihilate the South. Yesterday, North Korea unleashed a flood on South Korea. The tears of 100,000s of labor camp inmates make for a pretty ferocious flood. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran got most of his aides approved by parliament. Only one, his minister for green jobs, was rejected because he reportedly "had an opinion" on "things." Seems like Iran's thought police is out in force. At least they let him keep death panels in his health care reform bill. The death panels have another name in Iran though, the justice system.
winner 2nd leg: Kim by 11
winner overall: Kim by 5

al-Bashir vs Shwe
There's nothing more annoying to Sudan's Omar al-Bashir than when some American douche corrects his English even though everyone knows what Omar meant. The essence of language is to convey meaning, never mind linguistic semantics. It’s just another form of neo-colonialism. Meanwhile, the West continues to bemoan the inequality that Sudanese women face. Did you know that a female member of the Janjaweed militia hacks a person from Darfur for 25% less than a man? What injustice! Senator Jim Webb learned something very valuable about the Burmese military junta leader, Than Shwe of Myanmar, on his recent visit. Shwe is less a man than a Japanese robot who gains energy from the degradation of his population. See Japan, this is where a robot dog who can pee leads!
winner 2nd leg: Shwe by 16
winner overall: Shwe by 2

Season 6, Semis 1st Leg

2009-08-26T12:53:00.005-04:00

Before we begin the playoffs, we have some business to attend to. Three evil competitors tied for 4th place with a record of 3-4. So, veteran fans know what that means. One challenger will make the playoffs, another will try again next season, and the other will be relegated. Exciting stuff. So how to do this? A round robin could finish in 1-1s all around, so that's out. As a result, the evil endeavors of the three hopefuls will be assigned point totals in this tie breaker and the results will be determined as such.

Ahmadinejad vs al-Assad vs Obiang
For years, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, one of the leaders of Iran, has talked the talk. He committed a Holocaust that never happened and, if it did, it ended before he was born. He defeated American imperialism and destroyed the state of Israel. Of course, actions speak louder than words, so he didn't do any of these things. But recently, he's actually acting. Opponents: jailed. Reform party: deemed illegal. Short guys with beards: sexy.

Bashar al-Assad of Syria has moved closer to the West recently. But he still decries imperialism, foreign intervention, hot beef injections, and every other euphemism for the United States' empire you can think of. However, al-Assad has spent a lot of time listening to the Village People this season. His favorite is "Go West." He also loves the policeman and his steamy mustache.

Equatorial Guinea, the third best Guinea in Africa, and 5th worldwide, is headed by Teodoro Obiang, the 2nd best Teodoro Obiang globally. There's a Teodoro Obiang who works at a gas station in Secaucus, New Jersey. The ruling Obiang uses his country's profits to sustain his billion dollar habit of stealing billions of dollars.
results: Ahmadinejad 14, al-Assad 8, Obiang 12

Now on to the playoffs. The semifinals will consist of two legs, best aggregate score wins. Enjoy.

Shwe vs al-Bashir
If you thought being a democracy-advocating opposition leader to a cutthroat military junta was bad, imagine if you add the term "convicted" in front of that. That is the situation Aung San Suu Kyi faces in Burmese leader Than Shwe's Myanmar. Never fear, Myanmar has tons of gas and just signed a huge trade deal with China via a South Korean company. See, Than Shwe isn't that bad after all. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir knows all about the game. While overseeing his oil rich country, he hacks the blacks of his nation. It's not all bad, at least he doesn't use marijuana. It's the gateway drug, you know.
winner: al-Bashir by 14

Ahmadinejad vs Kim
The difference between Ahmadinejad's rants against his own people and those against the rest of the world is that he can carry out the ones against Iranians. Apparently, Ahmadinejad is a fan of prison rape. It all dates back to a paper he wrote in kindergarten titled "I Hope to One Day Become President and Advocate the Rape of My Political Opponents while They Languish Away in Prison on Trumped Up Charges." The paper got a B+. North Korea's Kim Jong-Il sent his condolences to South Korea following the death of ex-president Kim Dae Jung. The ill North Korean dictator has made other overtures towards his southern neighbor. Looks like someone's trying to get into Korean Heaven.
winner: Ahmadinejad by 6

Season 6, Week 7

2009-08-17T00:55:00.005-04:00

I was just at the gas station when I saw a guy light a cigarette. I tried to get as far away as possible. I'm sure the people who live in our competitors' countries can empathize. Let's get the results for the final week of the regular season. Every matchup involves at least one participant whose playoff chances are up in the air.

Aliyev vs al-Bashir
Ilham Aliyev, the president of Azerbaijan, is in a little bit of trouble for silencing dissent in his country. His critics fail to understand that Aliyev is very sensitive and doesn't take criticism well. After spending most of his first few years as president hiding under his bed, crying uncontrollably because some people didn't like the way he ruled his country, he decided to make a change. Either people say nice things about him or they don't say anything at all. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir replaced his intelligence chief, Salah Gosh, because Gosh was accused of human rights abuses. Maybe al-Bashir is starting to change? Well, Gosh is now an official presidential adviser. Um. Never mind. And that was the least evil thing al-Bashir did this week.
winner: al-Bashir

Kim vs Obiang
Ok, ok, threatening everyone with nuclear weapons in order to force the international community to provide aid to impoverished North Korea didn't work out so well for Kim Jong-Il this time around. So Kim is trying a different route- opening up to South Korea. Of course, Kim hasn't had a lot of practice when it comes to making new friends. So after asking if the chairwoman of Hyundai wanted to go out for ice cream, he ended the encounter with a warning about blowing up South Korea. He's learning; give him time. Equatorial Guinea's leader is Teodoro Obiang. Obiang is your typical tyrant with oil. In other words, he's not so bad, just misunderstood. The mothers of child rapists have been using that line for years.
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs al-Assad
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls himself the president of Iran. Lately, he's been getting some bad press. He's really not that bad a guy. He appointed 3 women to his cabinet (Condoleezza Rice was one). See, he's a feminist! He also received congratulations on his election "victory" from UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon. And finally, he was named one of the sexiest world leaders in by People Magazine because of his "irresistible short-guy-with-a-beard look." Syrian President Bashar al-Assad will travel to Tehran to congratulate Ahmadinejad on his victory. Very statesman like. But secret tapes have surfaced of al-Assad blaming all of his country's problems on Jews and blacks. He also hates people who text while driving, the Lebanese, and overweight lumberjacks.
winner: al-Assad

Chavez vs Shwe
Venezuela's Hugo Chavez criticized Obama for wanting to turn the U.S. into a socialist country, starting with universal healthcare. Just kidding. He called Obama a clueless imperialist. Then counted his American dollars. How could he sell out to the U.S.? Hey, his kids gotta eat, just ask Latrell Sprewell. Myanmar junta head, Than Shwe released an American prisoner from a Burmese prison this week after meeting Senator Jim Webb (suck on that Bill Clinton). That could thaw relations between the three country names. Not good news for democracy advocate Aung San Suu Kyi, who was convicted of not being a supporter of human rights violations. What's her deal anyway? Violating human rights is more fun than you might imagine. Unless you're the one being violated.
winner: Shwe

standings:
Kim J-I 6-1
al-Bash 5-2
T Shwe 4-3
Obiang 3-4
Ahmad 3-4
al-Assa 3-4
Chavez 2-5
Aliyev 2-5

Season 6, Week 6

2009-08-10T00:28:00.004-04:00

We're hitting the homestretch. It's usually around this time of the season that I become a bit emotional as three of our valiant competitors are only a couple of weeks away from relegation. I'll try to carry on. Let's get the results.

Chavez vs al-Assad
Don't call it a comeback, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has been here for years. Now, he's threatening war with Colombia yet again. Apparently, his mother advised him to "knock them out." After pulling his ambassador to Colombia, however, Chavez balked. It seems his bark is bigger than his bite. But to make himself feel better, he nationalized the country's largest coffee plant. Syrian President Bashar al-Assad continues to engage in the Israeli peace process. That's like Mike Tyson becoming a peer mediator. The tall hair gel-enthusiast has also claimed that the Golan Heights should be returned to Syria. Israel would return the Golan Heights, but is afraid it'd only be offered store credit.
winner: Chavez

al-Bashir vs Obiang
Sudan's Omar al-Bashir used to be a hit with the girls. Just earlier this season, Angelina Jolie was all about him. But recently al-Bashir can't get things started with the ladies. Oh sure, he has great friends. Ghana refuses to arrest him even though the ICC issued a warrant for al-Bashir's arrest on charges of genocide. But al-Bashir still longs for the time when women were after him. Almost as much as the black Africans of Darfur long for a piece of food.

There's another black leader even more popular than Barack Obama; his name is Teodoro Obiang and he leads Equatorial Guinea. He's never garnered less than 95% of the vote in any election. That fact should emasculate Obama enough for him to just give up now. Obiang is celebrating his 30th year as his country's dictator. His citizens want to pitch in and give him a present. Two colonial-era antique bullets. Right in his head.
winner: al-Bashir

Ahmadinejad vs Shwe
Iranian second banana, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has a bit of an Ahmadinejad Complex. He's going to destroy those meddling bully nations who interfere with Iranian politics and took his lunch money in seventh grade and stole all of his ties in college and his razor while he was mayor of Tehran. He also wants to punish any and all dissidents. Hey, not having any real power can go to a person's head.

There's a little country in east Asia known as Myanmar by some and as Burma by those in the know. Or is it the other way around? Whatever you call it, Than Shwe runs it. A decision on the fate of democracy advocate Aung San Suu Kyi, who has been accused of harboring too many names (4 to be exact), is imminent. If Shwe was anything like Ahmadinejad claims to be, he'd kill her and take down America in one fell swoop.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Aliyev vs Kim
The guy in charge of Azerbaijan is Ilham Aliyev. But you knew that already. While he moves his nation closer to peace with Armenia, I have some advice for the Armenians. Don't dress up like donkeys and poke fun at Aliyev. He's very sensitive about that. It all stems from a bad experience with a donkey when he was younger. That's what you get when you're penis looks like a salt lick.

Here's the one you've all been waiting for... North Korea's Kim Jong-Il. The same charm that opened Monica Lewinsky's mouth, released the iron grip of Kim. While Bill Clinton has been lionized by most, honestly, it would’ve been surprising if the American journalists held hostage weren't released. Regardless, Kim's acquiescence was a disappointment for long-time ELL followers. He didn't even get some crazy concession, which we've all come to expect. Something like a private Busta Rhymes concert, a pair of Lindsey Lohan's oversized sunglasses, or a signed copy of Debbie Does Dallas.
winner: Aliyev

standings:
Kim J-I 5-1
al-Bash 4-2
T Shwe 3-3
Obiang 3-3
Ahmad 3-3
Chavez 2-4
al-Assa 2-4
Aliyev 2-4

Season 6, Week 5

2009-07-27T00:08:00.006-04:00

My ass is so sweaty from all this humidity. I wonder if there's a correlation being sweaty ass and torturing motherfuckers. Something to think about before you judge our evil competitors. In any event, let's get to the results.

Shwe vs Kim
Apparently, Burma's Than Shwe of Myanmar and Kim Jong-Il of North Korea are forming even closer ties, which could result in a possible nuclear Myanmar. If the diabolical duo become any closer, they might have to make an Asian sequel to Brokeback Mountain, starring these two. Hey, they both wear plenty of sparkles. For now, they're more like the Ripkens. Kim is an all-timer like Cal, while, like Billy, Shwe also plays ball.
winner: Kim

Obiang vs Ahmadinejad
The word cannibal is often thrown around. The leader of Equatorial Guinea, Teodoro Obiang knows this all too well. The citizens of his nation are starving and will sometimes do anything for food. So, to show solidarity with his poor constituency, he eats them. He's like a human-eating version of Gandhi. Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is not just fighting against the Iranian opposition. No. He's fighting against the entire world, which has manifested itself in the form of the Iranian opposition. To turn a slightly-less fundamentalist version of yourself into the world's cause du jour, is evil au maximum. Forcing me to resort to speaking French makes it just that much worse.
winner: Ahmadinejad

al-Assad vs al-Bashir
A man walks down the street, he says, "Why am I soft in the middle now?" You can call him al-Assad, Bashar al-Assad, the president of Syria (yep, we're doing it again). He has gone soft. Soft on America. Soft on Israel. Soft on his wife's lavish spending sprees. But very hard for Obama. When it comes to Omar al-Bashir of Sudan, there were hints and allegations of genocide, which he dismisses as "incidents and accidents." So does the rest of Africa's leadership. The ICC's indictment of Omar al-Bashir on charges of genocide against the people of Darfur is turning into nothing more than a footnote. That's better than what the people of Darfur are turning into: footprints.
winner: al-Bashir

Chavez vs Aliyev
Hugo Chavez is the president of the socialist republic of Venezuela. Talk about dated- Stalin called, he wants his ideology back. Chavez said he'll create a socialist paradise even if he has to rule by decree, nationalize the media, and bully anyone who disagrees with him. You're going to do what he says and you're going to like it. That qualifies him to be my girlfriend. Ilham Aliyev is the president of Azer- Azerbai- Azerbaij- well, whatever. He recently engaged in peace talks with Armenia in Russia. Unless this is a ploy to curry favor on the international stage while cracking down on dissent at home, that's pretty gay. Which is it, Aliyev, do you want to be gay or evil? Pick one.
winner: Chavez

standings:
Kim J-I 5-0
al-Bash 3-2
T Shwe 3-2
Obiang 3-2
al-Assa 2-3
Ahmad 2-3
Chavez 1-4
Aliyev 1-4

Season 6, Week 4

2009-07-20T00:14:00.004-04:00

Here is the Parade Magazine's World's Worst Dictators version of the Evil Leaders League, because (let's all say it together now) the worst dictators make the best evil leaders.

Obiang vs al-Assad
Like a big batch of diarrhea, Teodoro Obiang runs things in Equatorial Guinea. Like most African leaders in the 1990s, he acknowledged the world's shift toward democracy. Some leaders embraced the ideology all out. Obiang wasn't one of those. Instead, he embraced punishing anyone who dare lay a finger on his grasp of power. His preferred method of punishment was forcing victims to try and locate Equatorial Guinea on a map and then spell it correctly. Bashar al-Assad is the president of Syria. His government has seen warming relations with both the U.S. and Israel. His funding of terrorist organizations and ugly unwaxed unibrow keep him two spots ahead of Obiang on Parade's list, at 12th and 14th respectively.
winner: al-Assad

Aliyev vs Shwe
Ilham Aliyev, who is the boss in Azerbaijan, didn't make the cut, mostly because no one at Parade could get close enough on spelling "Azerbaijan" for spellcheck to even provide a suggestion. Aliyev is the leader of an oil and gas laden country, who rules with an ironfist- literally, he's very germ-conscious. Than Shwe of Burma and Myanmar fell to 4th place. Two million people were left homeless because of last year's cyclone and subprime mortgage fiasco. Shwe dealt with the crises by passing a new constitution that declared, "Homeless people are not the government's problem. Get a job, losers." The Burmese constitution has a lot in common with the Republican Party platform.
winner: Shwe

Ahmadinejad vs al-Bashir
Iran's short sexy bearded leader is named Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. I love the way he spouts off crazy threats, makes Holocaust jokes, and mocks elections. He's my role model! And apparently, he's a good role model to have because he didn't make Parade's list. Probably because the real leader of Iran is the Supreme Ayatollah, and ELL Season 5 failure, Ali Khamenei. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir, the 2nd worst dictator, recently had to cancel a trip to Uganda. He hates paying extra fees for checking his bags. I can relate. Plus, he's wanted by the International Criminal Court on charges of genocide. I can't relate as much to that one.
winner: al-Bashir

Kim vs Chavez
Kim Jong-Il, who came in 3rd, leads North Korea until he dies. Kim spends his days lamenting his pancreatic cancer. Why him? And not one of the hundreds of thousands of little children locked up in his labor camps? The world can be so unfair. The Venezuelan president is Hugo Chavez. If you've followed the ELL, you know that Chavez never makes Parade's list because he's technically not a dictator. His country is a democracy. Granted, his country has elections like I talk to women. It occasionally happens, but it doesn't seem to go well. And the result's never fair. And someone usually ends up in jail.
winner: Kim

standings:
Kim J-I 4-0
T Shwe 3-1
Obiang 3-1
al-Bash 2-2
al-Assa 2-2
Ahmad 1-3
Aliyev 1-3
Chavez 0-4

Season 6, Week 3

2009-07-13T00:12:00.006-04:00

32.7% of the global supply of famous people have died over the past 3 weeks. Hopefully some of our heroic competitors will join that trend.

al-Bashir vs Shwe
Omar al-Bashir, the leader of Sudan, wakes up every morning with his future still in the air. That's one thing hundreds of thousands of black Africans from Darfur don't have to worry about. Because they're dead. Omar is worried about being prosecuted for the murders of those very people. You know what they say: "Not knowing is the worst," which means al-Bashir is the real victim. Than Shwe heads up both Burma and Myanmar. His favorite hobby is violating people's human rights. That hobby is the reason UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon is in hot water (not literally. But, in Burma, he might be the only one). People don't think Ban has put enough pressure on Shwe. Hey, leave Ban alone! He asked him nicely, what else can he do?
winner: Shwe

Kim vs al-Assad
Kim Jong-Il leads North Korea for now. He reportedly has terminal pancreatic cancer. We at ELL headquarters have obtained a copy of his "bucket list":
1) starve own people ✔
2) threaten everyone with nuclear weapons ✔
3) dip balls in magic shell, freeze for 30 seconds, then tell South Korea to "eat my chocolate-covered nuts!"
4) right before the end, give the world a big surprise, shhh ;)
The Syrian president goes by the title Bashar al-Assad. Loosely translated, his name means "Bashar the-Assad" (we recently uncovered that our Arabic translator was gay, so we had to fire him). The only one more smitten with Barack Obama than MSNBC is al-Assad, who has requested an "informal" meeting with the U.S. president. Topics on the docket include: A possible two-state solution, the fate of the Golan Heights, and last but not least, how Barack got to be so dreamy.
winner: Kim

Obiang vs Chavez
Apparently, The New York Times' main source for all things Equatorial Guinea, and its leader Teodoro Obiang, is the ELL. The Times recently reported that Obiang is corrupt. Shocking! Obiang steals billions of dollars from his country's oil revenues. What does he spend the money on? You guessed it... candy cigarettes, so he can look cool in front of his friends. Venezuelan president, Hugo Chavez, is like that guy you went to college with- the really pretentious one, who used to scream at everyone through a bullhorn about some cause or another and claimed he hooked up with every hippie girl on campus. Turns out that guy grew up to forcefully censor anyone who criticizes his policies. See Sheryl, told ya that guy was a phony!
winner: Obiang

Aliyev vs Ahmadinejad
Ilham Aliyev, the ugly ruler of Azerbaijan, decided to give his land's gas to Russia, perhaps fraudulently. Just putting that out there. Aliyev is a tragic figure in that he lives beneath the pervasive shadow of his father, who was a way better dictator than Ilham. At least, when he goes to restaurants, the waitress doesn't fawn all over his brother totally ignoring him in the process. Just putting that out there. I might be crazy, but I'm just not that impressed by the evilness of Iran's leader, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. So he stole an election and then claimed that he somehow has a mandate. Most people assume that an older man lurking in the shadows holds most of the power anyway. That all sounds very American to me. But the short bearded look isn't American, it's just sexy.
winner: Aliyev

standings:
Kim J-I 3-0
Obiang 3-0
T Shwe 2-1
al-Bash 1-2
al-Assa 1-2
Ahmad 1-2
Aliyev 1-2
Chavez 0-3

Season 6, Week 2

2009-06-29T00:18:00.012-04:00

These evil leaders are reminiscent of the Phantom of the Opera. Maybe they wouldn't be so mean if they weren't so ugly. Not Ahmadinejad, however. Short, bearded men are sexy. Let's get to the results.

Chavez vs Ahmadinejad
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela has participated in actions that range from thoughtful opposition to America's imperial reign to egomaniacal authoritarianism. Of late, other evil leaders have stepped up their games as ELL action heats up. Meanwhile, Chavez has lagged behind. Recalling your ambassador? Please. That's cute. Where are your bombs, indiscriminate crackdowns, or genocides? Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was the lynchpin for a possible revolution in his country. That's how despised his one term in office was. Step up your game, Chavez.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Kim vs al-Bashir
North Korea's Kim Jong-Il might be close to transferring power over to his youngest son in a bid to continue his family's dynastic rule. In the meantime, Kim continues to threaten various places with his bombs, even Hawaii. Come on Kim, that's so Japanese, do you really want to follow in the footsteps of those sushi-eaters? Plus, it didn't end well for them. Omar al-Bashir, the man overseeing the Sudanese government, was indicted over the genocide in Darfur. However, he does have his supporters. The AU has called for the indictment to be suspended. Omar al-Bashir had a good laugh about the whole thing with his buddy Robert Mugabe. While the world shouldn't be afraid of Kim's threats, at least they've had to pay attention.
winner: Kim

al-Assad vs Shwe
Bashar al-Assad, the head of Syria, is sitting pretty and it has nothing to do with the brush of dirt he calls a mustache. The U.S. has sent an ambassador to Syria for the first time in four years and claims the Arab country has a role to play in the Middle East peace process. There's a role for funding suicide bombings in a peace process? I guess Jeff Goldblum got a role on Law and Order, so anything's possible. Buying a corvette is a sure sign of insecurity over a small penis, but so is leading a military junta that runs Myanmar aka Burma. Just ask Than Shwe. The trial of democracy advocate Aung San Suu Kyi has strained relations with the rest of Asia. Why even have a trial? Shwe should have just kept Suu Kyi detained indefinitely like originally planned. No one would be pissed then. Lesson 5 of Evil Leading 101 is: If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
winner: Shwe

Obiang vs Aliyev
Teodoro Obiang heads up a little country called Equatorial Guinea. Maybe you've heard of it. No? You think I just made it up right now? No, seriously, it really is a country- headed by a tyrannical kleptocrat. Obiang's son has a mansion in Malibu. His neighbors include Mel Gibson and Britney Spears. How could he afford it? Hey, being the Minister of Agriculture and Forestry doesn't hurt. Neither does being the son of a guy who steals like Michael Jackson molested children.

Ilham Aliyev, the president of Azerbaijan, has threatened war with Armenia. He has been quoted saying that the Armenians stole the region of Nagorno-Karabakh and the military will get it back, even though the women of that region are very ugly now that they're technically Armenians. This assertion took place in a game of the Dozens, also known as the State of the Union Address in Azerbaijan.
winner: Obiang

standings:
Kim J-I 2-0
Obiang 2-0
al-Bash 1-1
al-Assa 1-1
T Shwe 1-1
Ahmad 1-1
Aliyev 0-2
Chavez 0-2

Season 6, Week 1

2009-06-23T00:10:00.006-04:00

This is the sixth season of the Evil Leaders League. The league will continue to consist of 8 evil leaders. Five participants are returning from last season, two are new, and one has climbed his way back after facing relegation. This is a round-robin league, much like the English Premier League soccer, not a tournament. There will be a playoff at the end of the regular season. This season's Evil Leaders League (ELL) is dedicated to our dear friend, Omar Bongo. We hope that our percussion-themed diatribes against your abuses of power, in some small way, contributed to your passing.

Let's meet the competitors:
Kim Jong-Il - head of North Korea since 1994. Champion last season.
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Finished 2nd.
Bashar al-Assad - president of Syria since 2000. Finished 3rd.
Than Shwe - leader of Myanmar since 1992. Finished 4th.
Hugo Chavez - president of Venezuela since 1999. Finished 5th.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - president of Iran since 2005. Returning.
Teodoro Obiang - ruling Equatorial Guinea since 1979. New.
Ilham Aliyev - president of Azerbaijan since 2003. New.

Ahmadinejad vs Kim
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, returning to the ELL following a one-season absence, recently won a dubious election in Iran. People are pissed. In the process, Ahmadinejad has rose from plain ole evil to cartoonish super evil. He has the power to deny the Holocaust, steal an election, and make the power go out in Baltimore as I'm writing this. Now all he has to do is threaten the world with weapons of mass destruction. Speaking of which, that takes us to last season's ELL champion, North Korea's Kim Jong-Il. The man who started the big sunglasses trend- that spread from Jewish grandmothers to promiscuous teenage girls- is holding the world hostage even more than Brett Favre. I've got the same advice for both of them: we all know your bombs are going to be intercepted, so just retire already.
winner: Kim

al-Bashir vs Chavez
Omar al-Bashir, the long time dictator of Sudan, is a lucky man. Angelina Jolie wrote an op-ed piece for Time about his role in the Darfur genocide. Now, if she only spent as much time thinking about me as she has al-Bashir, I'd be set! Meanwhile, no one's thinking about Venezuela's Hugo Chavez. Well, no one outside of his country anyway. Chavez's recent worst crime involves his ties with Iran. If guilt by association were the law of the land, then all my friends and family would be guilty of having Itchy Rectum Syndrome (IRS).
winner: al-Bashir

Aliyev vs al-Assad
Ilham Aliyev, the president of Azerbaijan, is your typical dictator of an oil-rich country, who only got to where he is because of daddy, former head of state, Heidar Aliyev. Father-son presidents and oil, I've heard this story before. Plus, Ilham Aliyev used to own the Texas Rangers and snort blow. Syrian president Bashar al-Assad is in the news with his counterpart. In their first interaction since they sat at the head of the class at the Evil Mustache Academy (EMA), al-Assad asked Aliyev to release Hezbollah members suspected of plotting to blow up the Israeli embassy in Baku. At EMA, Aliyev was voted "most likely to inherit the family business," while al-Assad was voted "most likely to kill a Lebanese leader."
winner: al-Assad

Shwe vs Obiang
Than Shwe, the Burmese ruler of Myanmar's military junta, has been having a great time of late. Not only was Janice Dickinson voted off of I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, but his nemesis Aung San Suu Kyi languishes away in a Burmese prison. On her condition in the prison, Suu Kyi stated, "It's tough, but at least it's not as bad as watching Jeff Goldblum on the Colbert Report two shows in a row. Who's next, Rod Stewart?" You might not know Teodoro Obiang, the leader of Equatorial Guinea. If not, you're lucky. Obiang took power from his uncle, Macias Nguema, a brutal dictator. Of his uncle, Obiang said that he was the "son of lucifer," which I believe makes Obiang the grandson of lucifer. But who's counting.
winner: Obiang

standings:
Kim J-I 1-0
al-Bash 1-0
al-Assa 1-0
Obiang 1-0
T Shwe 0-1
Aliyev 0-1
Chavez 0-1
Ahmad 0-1

A Tribute to Bongo and MJ

2009-06-16T00:50:00.000-04:00

Recently, we lost two people beloved to ELL fans. Now, here's one honoring the other.

Michael Jackson was never far from our hearts here at the ELL. In memorium:

From Season 5, Week 1
Kazakhstan will allow the U.S. to use its land to transport non-military aid to Afghanistan for 7 Michael Jackson CDs. 1980s Michael Jackson CDs, none of that new bullshit; what do you think, the Kazakh leadership is filled with a bunch of oblivious half-wits?

From Season 6, Week 2
Obiang's son has a mansion in Malibu. His neighbors include Mel Gibson and Britney Spears. How could he afford it? Hey, being the Minister of Agriculture and Forestry doesn't hurt. Neither does being the son of a guy who steals like Michael Jackson molested children.

R.I.P.

Teodoro Obiang's Record Breakdown

2009-06-15T21:47:00.001-04:00

Teodoro Obiang's all-time regular season record against:

Ilham Aliyev: 1-0
Silvio Berlusconi: 1-0
Hugo Chavez: 1-0
Evo Morales: 1-0
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: 1-1*
Than Shwe: 1-1
Bashar al-Assad: 0-1
Hamid Karzai: 0-1
Omar al-Bashir: 0-2
Kim Jong-Il: 0-2

Total: 6-8

Not included: Obiang lost to Ahmadinejad in a tie-breaker at the end of season 7 and was relegated.

Ilham Aliyev's Record Breakdown

2009-06-15T21:32:00.002-04:00

Ilham Aliyev's all-time regular season record against:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: 1-0
Kim Jong-Il: 1-0
Bashar al-Assad: 0-1
Omar al-Bashir: 0-1
Hugo Chavez: 0-1
Teodoro Obiang: 0-1
Than Shwe: 0-1

Total: 2-5

Teodoro Obiang

2009-06-05T22:39:00.008-04:00

Teodoro Obiang Nguema has ruled Equatorial Guinea (that's the one on the equator) since 1979. He took over after ousting his uncle from power, saying that his uncle was the "son of lucifer," which I believe makes Obiang the grandson of lucifer. But who's counting. Obiang now uses his country's oil profits to sustain his billion dollar habit of stealing billions of dollars. Before you judge him, keep in mind it's healthier than smoking. For a man of Obiang's advanced age, any activity should be praised.

Overall record: 6-8
Season 6: 3-4
Season 7: 3-4

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 6: ---
Season 7: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Fun fact: The citizens of Teodoro Obiang's nation are starving and will sometimes do anything for food. So, to show solidarity with his poor constituency, he eats them. He's like a human-eating version of Gandhi.

Ilham Aliyev

2009-05-19T00:08:00.008-04:00

Ilham Aliyev is the president of Azerbaijan and entered the ELL in Season 6. He was quickly relegated as the ELL staff was never able to locate his oil rich nation on a map. Aliyev got in a little bit of trouble for silencing dissent in his country. His critics failed to understand that Aliyev is very sensitive and doesn't take criticism well. His father was also president of Azerbaijan and Ilham has been working out his "daddy issues" through his repressive policies. Hey, we've all got messed up families. Particularly if you're an opponent of Aliyev.

Overall record: 2-5
Season 6: 2-5

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 6 ---
Overall record against each opponent

Ilham Aliyev was relegated after Season 6.

Fun fact: Even though his country is officially at odds with Armenia, Ilham Aliyev secretly yanks it to hot Armenian porn.

Season 5 Review

2009-04-17T00:34:00.005-04:00

The fifth installment of the Evil Leaders League is now complete. I must say, it was probably the best one yet. Season 5 of the ELL was bigger than Jesus in a speedo. In its five season history, the ELL has still only had 2 champions. But we've had numerous competitors and countless laughs. As always, this season was dedicated first and foremost to the people who make this league happen, the citizens of the afflicted countries.

The Champion - Kim Jong-Il 6-1 (2-0)
Following a mid-summer stroke, Kim Jong-Il raised his game to another level. He was firing bombs from the outside like a young Tim Legler. The difference is that Kim is a threat inside as well. His regime spends its foreign aid currency to build a weapons program that threatens the world in order to receive more aid and start the cycle all over again. Meanwhile, the people of North Korea just watch the action like a bunch of ugly supermodels.

Check out the best out-of-context lines from this season in the Highlights section.

The Challengers
Omar al-Bashir 5-2 (1-1) - The genocidal dictator from Sudan came up short for only the 2nd time in ELL history.
Bashar al-Assad 5-2 (0-1) - Funding terrorist groups got this Syrian into the playoffs; moderate talk made it a short stay.
Than Shwe 4-3 (0-1) - How respectful of human rights do you expect a military junta to be?
Hugo Chavez 4-3 - The Venezuelan leader is like a four-year old when it comes to declaring ownership and dealing with people who disagree with him.

The Relegated
Omar Bongo 2-5 - The beatnik from Gabon couldn't buy or imprison his way into another season in the ELL.
Ali Khamenei 1-6 - The Ayatollah might be all powerful in Iran, but not in the ELL.
Nursultan Nazarbayev 1-6 - I don't care how little respect the Kazakh leader has for dissent, I'll be damned if I have to write out his name for another season.

Some Facts and Figures:
Uses of the word during the fifth ELL season - some variation of the word "evil" 33 times; "fuck" 6 times; "shit" 3 times; "a Rangoon Steamer" 1 time; "autocrat" 3 times; "blueberry muffins" 1 time.

7 lame jokes about Omar Bongo's last name
6 appearances by random musicians (Master P, Michael Jackson, Don Omar, Whitney Houston, Paul Simon, Madonna)
4 mentions of George W. Bush
2 accounts of prisoners being whipped (and not in the good S&M way)
1 reference to Rubin "Hurricane" Carter's father, that dead lady who had her hand up Lamb Chop's ass, and Uncle Jessie tucking in Michelle.

I'd also like to take the space to thank our loyal and not so loyal followers of the Evil Leaders League.

Season 5, ELL Finals Game 2

2009-04-10T18:12:00.005-04:00

Will Kim Jong-Il capture his second ELL title or will Omar al-Bashir send the championship series to an all-important deciding Game 3? Let's find out.

Kim vs al-Bashir
In addition to firing off rockets in a bid to scare the world, North Korea's Kim Jong-Il has created a new, extremely effective, weight loss program. You can eat whatever you want and you don't have to exercise for one minute. All you have to do is have a near-fatal stroke. The leaner Kim looked great, depending on how you define "great," at his most recent public appearance, the first since his stroke. And what a way to come back: as public enemy # 1.

Omar al-Bashir, from Sudan, is challenging the sovereignty of the International Criminal Court as he continues to defy a warrant for his arrest on charges of genocide. This could be a big moment in determining the efficacy and relevance of international organizations designed to save the victims of intra-national repression. Because of the stress of being in the spotlight in such a moment, al-Bashir has put on some weight. In fact, his doctor asked him to lose 10-15 pounds. After the doctor was killed, al-Bashir set off on a quest to find a fatter doctor. Maybe he should try Kim's weight loss program.
winner: Kim
series: Kim 2-0

Congratulations to Kim Jong-Il for winning his second championship in three seasons! The season in review extravaganza is still to come.

Season 5, ELL Finals Game 1

2009-04-06T00:12:00.005-04:00

Can you feel it in the air tonight? No, it's not pollution from a Hummer that gets an embarrassingly low ratio of miles per gallon. It's the excitement that comes with the first game of the Evil Leaders League Finals. As always, the ELL Finals is a best out of three affair (first competitor to reach two victories grabs the title) with a quick turn-around. So stay tuned. Kim Jong-Il, the leader of North Korea, is gunning for his second career title. Omar al-Bashir, who has dominated both Sudan and the ELL during the first four seasons, is searching for his astonishing fourth championship.

al-Bashir vs Kim
Omar al-Bashir is on the lam. No, it's not because two foreign aid workers were just kidnapped in the genocide-riddled region of Darfur. But good guess. It has more to do with that riddle of genocide. If al-Bashir is lucky, not only will he avoid facing the ICC charges of genocide, he'll get a teaching job at Goucher College. For now, al-Bashir continues to have the support of Arab leaders, who have released a joint statement, "We reject the charge of genocide against Omar al-Bashir. He can kill whoever he wants as long as he stays the fuck outta Gaza. Those are really the only people we care about."

Kim Jong-Il is on a high right now. He just launched a rocket intended to show the world that North Korea has the capacity to transport their nuclear weapons. The rocket was supposed to send a satellite into orbit. Western powers don't believe the satellite made it, but they're still sounding the alarms. This just adds to the legend of the North Koreans, who gained independence with high-powered water guns. The guns may have only shot water, but it was still terrifying to those poor Americans. Whereas al-Bashir has gone the old school route in killing a mass amount of people, this is the age of technology. People want things instantly. No one wants to see a long drawn out mass killing; we want it to be immediate and spectacular.
winner: Kim
series: Kim 1-0

Season 5, Semis 2nd Leg

2009-03-31T00:01:00.007-04:00

The ELL's Final Four is about to be history. Let's see who will advance to the championship series.

Kim vs Shwe
Kim Jong-Il, the man in North Korea, has accused to U.S. reporters of spying, which is evil because they're not Sean Hannity or Glenn Beck. This comes in the shadow of North Korea's potential test rocket launch. Kim seems to take his foreign policy directives from watching old Marvin the Martian cartoons. Marvin also inspires the little autocrat's wardrobe. Burma's military junta leader looks a lot like Myanmar's military junta leader. Both go by the name of Than Shwe. During the one speech a year Shwe gives, he called for democracy in 2010. Don't get too heartened, the leader says that "every individual has a right to express their political freedoms unless they're not named Than Shwe." Even Chad Ocho Cinco has sent his application to Yangon for a name change.
winner 2nd leg: Kim by 3
winner overall: Kim by 5

al-Bashir vs al-Assad
Omar al-Bashir, the ruler of Sudan, is the new unifying personality among Arabs. The only thing Arab leaders can agree on is that al-Bashir should not be imprisoned in the wake of an ICC indictment on charges of genocide in Darfur because "he's too dainty to go to prison." The King of Jordan, Abdullah II said, "Omar al-Bashir has such pretty lips. He wouldn't last a day." Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has promised al-Bashir that the Sudanese ruler can stay in al-Assad's attic if the ICC comes for Omar, "like what happened with Ann Frank, even though that whole thing is a lie." That brings up an age old question: Who's more evil, the evil guy or the guy helping the evil guy?
winner 2nd leg: al-Assad by 11
winner overall: al-Bashir by 3

Season 5, Semis 1st Leg

2009-03-23T00:04:00.006-04:00

The Evil Leaders League playoffs have arrived. Are you as excited as I am? If you are, you might want to call a doctor, because that means you've definitely had an erection for more than 4 hours. And if you're a woman, you might want to check again, women don’t get erections.

But first, there was a tie for the final playoff spot. Hugo Chavez and Than Shwe tied for 4th place with 4-3 records. The winner goes into the playoffs to face the regular season winner, Kim Jong-Il, while the loser will have to wait until next season.

Chavez vs Shwe
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela called U.S. president Barack Obama "ignorant." Oh, just 'cause he's black he's gotta be ignorant? You fucking racist. Chavez has also threatened to jail his main rival, Manuel Rosales, just because Rosales is Latino. Than Shwe leads Burma or Myanmar depending on his mood. The Chinese believe that the issue of development and stability in Shwe's country is not simply a regional issue, but that of the whole international community. China pleading for the world to look into your human rights problems is like if Hugo Chavez thought your country was a little bit too socialist.
winner: Shwe

Now on to the playoffs. The semifinals will consist of two legs, best aggregate score wins. Enjoy.

al-Assad vs al-Bashir
Paul Simon is going to sit this one out. Bashad al-Assad is head of Syria. He has offered to mediate negotiations between the U.S. and Iran, which is a little like Rush Limbaugh mediating negotiations between himself and painkillers. In talks with Jordan, al-Assad stressed Arab unity, which left His Airness quite confused. At least al-Assad got a pair of autographed sneakers out of the encounter. Sudan is run by that gangsta, Omar "Rata-tat" al-Bashir. He's killed more black people than the Crips or Bloods could even dream of put together. Omar al-Bashir doesn't just have the po-po after him, he's way too big for that. No, he's got the International Criminal Court trying to take him down! That makes him a legend in the gangster game.
winner: al-Bashir by 14

Shwe vs Kim
Than Shwe is running on fumes in this week. He needed a tie-breaker to even get into the playoffs. Shwe's brutal regime represses Buddhist monks. As a result, Shwe has invented his own religion which basically consists of one ritual: At noon every day, Shwe gives a voodoo doll in the likeness of UN envoy Ibrahim Gambari "a Rangoon Steamer." Kim Jong-Il of North Korea looks thinner than he did last time we saw him. That's what happens when you're shitting out missiles on the world. The test date for the missiles crawls closer while the world waits to cram instead of forming a study group. Study groups are a great place to meet women, let's not wait and do what we always do.
winner: Kim by 2

Season 5, Week 7

2009-03-17T00:19:00.007-04:00

I was nearly fired because I was told that I wasn't critical enough to children. And yet these assholes have great job security. Go figure. Anyway, let's get the results for the final week of the regular season.

Khamenei vs Shwe
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has been doing his Ayatollah thang in Iran for some time now. His buddy, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has a clearer path towards retaining the title of Inter-Iranian Political Championship, which he took from the former champ, the Iron Sheik. Ahmadinejad's proposed opponent, Mohammad Khatami has decided to back out of the race. So Ahmadinejad will continue to be Lamb Chop to Khamenei's whatever the fuck was the name of that dead lady who had her hand up Lamb Chop's ass.

Burmese leader, Than Shwe, leads Myanmar. His military has been described as a Ponzi scheme. Shwe's military advisor was none other than Bernie Madoff, so that explains it. It's nice to see that Shwe and a Jew have something in common. One big difference is that Jews like to experiment with Buddhism, while Shwe likes to experiment on Buddhists.
winner: Shwe

Kim vs Bongo
Lil' Kim Jong-Il, the ruler of North Korea, is going gangsta on this biotch. His threats to test weapons of mass destruction are becoming more boisterous. He claims North Korea is invulnerable, although he might want to look up the meaning of that word. Kim is threatening an attack against South Korea and Japan, the likes of which they haven't seen since the invasion of Hello Kitty. Gabon's president, Omar Bongo is playing the blues since the death of his wife. Apparently, the evil leader can feel emotion. Now he knows how the spouses of his political opponents feel. It's not a good feeling. Maybe this will spark a change in Bongo's consciousness. He’ll give back all the money he took from his citizens. He'll step down and help to usher in a new era of democracy in Gabon. But then again, he is only 8 years away from ruling his country for the magical total of 50 years.
winner: Kim

Nazarbayev vs al-Bashir
The president of Kazakhstan, Nursultan Nazarbayev, went to the Whitney Houston concert in Almaty. He will always loooooooooooooove being the autocratic ruler of Kazakhstaaaaaaaaaaan! That rendition is now the new Kazakh national anthem. Who says Nazarbayev isn't sensitive? Omar al-Bashir, the leader of Sudan is also sensitive. He knows that if the ICC puts him on trial for the genocide in Darfur, the tax payer will have to fit the bill. He cares about the working man, so he has decided to reject the ICC charge of genocide and the idea of a trial. Honestly, both men are so sensitive, I wish they both could be winners. But they can't be.
winner: al-Bashir

al-Assad vs Chavez
Bashar al-Assad, who runs the little nation of Syria, believes peace in Israel is possible. Particularly if the Jews weren't there. He received a special gift from U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, but don't tell Bill. He declared that Iran has the right to acquire nuclear power. He’s learned the art of taking all sides. This guy makes John Kerry look like an ideologically consistent person. Hugo Chavez is the president of Venezuela. He's continuing his attack against his nation's private sector. We all know Venezuela is socialist. But, according to Fox News, so is America. And America is pretty great. Thus, socialism is pretty great. And so is Venezuela. But that means Hugo Chavez's chances in the ELL this season aren't.
winner: al-Assad

standings:
Kim J-I 6-1
al-Bash 5-2
al-Assa 5-2
Chavez 4-3
T Shwe 4-3
Bongo 2-5
Khame 1-6
Nazarb 1-6

Season 5, Week 6

2009-03-02T15:46:00.007-05:00

We got quite a bit of snow here in Baltimore today. At least I'm not a gusano trapped inside with Fidel. Then I'd be subject to a 6 hour lecture about what a terrible person I am. It'd be a lot like attending Catholic mass or dinner with my family. Let's get the results for the all important Week 6.

Nazarbayev vs Shwe
Nursultan Nazarbayev is the president of Kazakhstan, a former Soviet satellite. As with most Soviet entities, it doesn't work so well. Kazakhstan's media is own by the state, but even they are realistic. There are no high pronouncements of the glorious reign of their dear president. Instead the media tends to report on trade deals Nazarbayev makes while playing his video game political simulators. He hopes that if he practices enough, someday he'll get to run a real country! Than Shwe is the leader of Burma and Myanmar. Even UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon doesn't want to visit either one of them and that guy's a glutton for destitution. Ban says he's more comfortable in war torn regions than in well-decorated boardrooms. Shwe is more comfortable surrounded by half-dead children because he loves to see the dreams and hopes of the young extinguished. He's Bizarro Obama.
winner: Shwe

Chavez vs Bongo
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela has been silenced. He has a sore throat and a doctor has ordered him to shut the fuck up for a few days, but probably not in those words. Chavez, who usually indulges himself in Fidel-like speeches, has been reduced to tears at the loss of his voice. Here's a riddle: What sound does a crying evil leader make if he's lost his voice? Answer: The same sound as one of his opponents, none. Gabon's President Omar Bongo has had his French accounts frozen. No more fries, no more kisses, and no more ticklers for the percussionist-turned-evil leader. Since Bongo will no longer be able to pay off dissidents, he'll have to resort to Plan B. Beating people with AIDS-covered sticks. Come on Bongo, wash the sticks, then beat the protestors. It's more humane.
winner: Bongo

al-Assad vs al-Bashir
You can call this matchup the Battle of al. Bashar al-Assad of Syria has a choice to make. Does he go with the tall dark and handsome Barack Obama or the rugged outdoorsmen found in anti-Israeli extremist circles. It's a tough choice. If only he could create a situation where he sees them both without the other one knowing. It's a recipe for all sorts of hi-jinks and hilarity. For now, al-Assad will continue be the anti-Israeli fighters' bodyguard. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir is in a bit of hot water. The genocide in Darfur has taken its toll on al-Bashir's popularity rating in that region. Only 29% of black Africans in Darfur approve of the genocide. Hey, that's still better than Bush. Darfur rebel leader Khalil Ibrahim has threatened al-Bashir's ouster. Ibrahim said, "You can call him al-Bashir, but I will call him betty-Bashir!" In Arabic, betty means "an evil leader who will soon be dethroned in the wake of an ICC indictment on charges of genocide." Paul Simon is a prophet.
winner: al-Assad

Khamenei vs Kim
Iran's Ayatollah, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei wants U.S. troops out of Iraq. He also enjoys apple pie, hot dogs, and watching mindless reality shows. Khamenei actually has a flag on his front porch, beats his wife, and sexually abuses his children. Iran and America have so much in common! It's the North Korean nihilistic version of Christmas for leader Kim Jong-Il. No, he's not trampling people to death at WalMart; remember, he's evil, not American. Kim can't wait to fire off his rockets and show the boy next door who is cooler. Kim loves his people because they were willing to give up food, electricity, freedom, and even a single traffic light in the capital, all so Kim could have some new toys. Kim will show his appreciation by playing with his toys of mass destruction day and night until there is no longer days or nights.
winner: Kim

standings:
Kim J-I 5-1
Chavez 4-2
al-Bash 4-2
al-Assa 4-2
T Shwe 3-3
Bongo 2-4
Khame 1-5
Nazarb 1-5

Season 5, Week 5

2009-02-23T00:04:00.007-05:00

Sometimes, when I'm sad, I wish I was an evil leader so I could have my minions rub meat on the balls of my opponents and then unleash Michael Vick's former dogs on them, just to wash away my pain.

Khamenei vs Bongo
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is, believe or not, the Ayatollah of Iran. He will essentially decide the next president of Iran, incumbent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or former incumbent Mohammad Khatami. That means that Khamenei has the power of 7 American men and 2 American women (in black robes). Ahmadinejad declared that Iran is now officially a super power. Yeah, and I have a 14-inch penis. Omar Bongo, the president of Gabon since 1967, has kept relative stability in his land by either paying off or jailing political opponents. Hey Bongo, for the right price, we can make sweet music together and I'll take you out of this league. What's the price? A bj from your dying wife.
winner: Khamenei

al-Bashir vs Kim
Omar al-Bashir is still the president of Sudan. He's garnered the support of Hosni Mubarak of Egypt. It's all part of al-Bashir's attempt to create an exclusive club of evil, aptly called: the Exclusive Club of Evil. To join, you have to be the evil leader of a country and have rancid foot odor. Kim Jong-Il runs North Korea. Even in death, he will terrify the U.S. as concerns about his successor rage on. Haunting people from beyond the grave is very evil, as Gene Siskel has taught me. In the meantime, Kim is still preparing to launch a missile in an attempt to scare the world into providing him with aid and legitimacy a little longer. Wouldn't it be great if real life was like that? You threaten to kill people and you get stuff, like Slurpees and Snickers bars.
winner: Kim

Shwe vs Chavez
Than Shwe, who runs military juntas in Myanmar and Burma, is like a women taking you for a ride. Right when you think he's finally going to be awesomely evil, he does something that leaves you scratching your head, like releasing political prisoners. One of the released prisoners was a monk named U Thumana, who was asked by a reporter, "What was it like in a Burmese prison?" U answered, "You can't imagine." The reporter rebutted, "Wait, me or you?" U answered, "You." Which went on until I realized that joke doesn't work in print. Venezuela's President, Hugo Chavez, made a surprise visit to Cuba to visit the Castro brothers. He wanted to see what he'd look like in 40 years. Chavez has also begun to dabble in killing critics and growing a beard, but apparently only has enough manhood for one of them.
winner: Chavez

Nazarbayev vs al-Assad
Nursultan Nazarbayev, who is perpetually constipated, is the president of Kazakhstan. There was a recent political protest in his country, which is as rare as a Nazarbayev shit. Nazarbayev should eat a jumbo chicken dog with free 7-11 chili poured over it. But he doesn't allow free speech, so he'll never receive that advice. Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is expected to meet with U.S. lawmakers and has been urged to enter negotiations with Israel. That all sounds like Syria is coming in from the cold, but just remember al-Assad's personal motto, "Keep your friends close and the Zionist American pigs closer. And continue to fund anti-American and anti-Israeli organizations." That's better than his other personal motto, "Who wants syphilis!"
winner: al-Assad

standings:
Chavez 4-1
al-Bash 4-1
Kim J-I 4-1
al-Assa 3-2
T Shwe 2-3
Khame 1-4
Bongo 1-4
Nazarb 1-4

Season 5, Week 4

2009-02-17T00:31:00.010-05:00

I went to get my car serviced and they asked me, "Do you know that your engine light is on?" I said that I did. And that was the end of that, which I took to mean that sometimes the light comes on for no particular reason and it wasn't a big deal. When I got back to Baltimore, the car was struggling a tad and smelled a little funny. Now, I'm terrified that my engine will fail at the worst possible moment (which is any moment really). I certainly did not need this now. What I do need is to get the results for this week in the ELL.

Nazarbayev vs Chavez
Nursultan Nazarbayev runs a country called Kazakhstan. Shares of Kazakhstan's state bank have plummeted, which means that Kazakhstan is a country in the world in 2009. There's nothing evil about participating in the global economic meltdown. Nazarbayev proposes to solve the crisis by doing away with money as a form of currency and instead suggests that people with the longest and most unpronounceable names will become the most powerful. Personally, I love the idea. Hugo Chavez is the President of Venezuela. Get used to that sentence as the country has voted to abolish presidential term limits. Venezuelan citizens saw what a beautifully burgeoning society a dictatorship has created in North Korea, Burma, Belarus, and many other places ruled by leaders who have been in this league, and they want in.
winner: Chavez

al-Assad vs Kim
Bashar al-Assad leads Syria. He and Saudi King Abdullah Bin Abdul Aziz Rodriguez Vazquez Papenski held hands in celebration of the new found relationship their two nations share and not because they're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Saudi Arabia is a U.S. ally so this means that al-Assad is friends with our friends. If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, then what is the friend of my friend? Kim Jong-Il, who is the ruler of North Korea, just turned 67 years old and he doesn't look a day over someone who died five years ago. I'm curious to see if North Korea's test of weapons of mass destruction will work. It's a little like my curiosity about whether or not I'll be successful in life; I know the answer and it's not good for either one of us.
winner: Kim

al-Bashir vs Khamenei
Omar al-Bashir has a map in his office of the country he runs, Sudan. The western and southern parts are cut off. The ICC has decided to issue a warrant for his arrest on charges of genocide. It's about time! Michael Vick languishes away in prison while this guy... never mind, this isn't the Soapbox Leaders League. Maybe people are right, a dozen dogs are more important than hundreds of thousands of black Africans. Omar al-Bashir certainly thinks so. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the Ayatollah of Iran. If you think about it, "Ayatollah" sounds like a racist stereotype of a Native American chant. All Khamenei thinks about is the late Ayatollah Khomeini... nude.
winner: al-Bashir

Shwe vs Bongo
It's like Than Shwe has two wives, one is Burma, a country that he leads, and the other is Myanmar, a country that he leads. Than Shwe called Kim Jong-Il on his birthday and they talked about old times, like the slumber parties they used to have. The parties usually involved putting dissidents into an eternal slumber. They talked about what they're up to now. One is a dictator of an impoverished Asian nation and, well, so is the other. Dude, what a coincidence! And of course, they talked about their favorite subject, boys. Omar Bongo grooved his way to the top of the charts in Gabon in 1967, which is another way to say that he has ruled the country since before Madonna was fucking things. When Bongo rose to power, he believed in equality, justice, and progress, but now he just hires people to tickle with a feather because it passes the time until he dies.
winner: Shwe

standings:
al-Bash 4-0
Chavez 3-1
Kim J-I 3-1
al-Assa 2-2
T Shwe 2-2
Bongo 1-3
Nazarb 1-3
Khame 0-4

Season 5, Week 3

2009-02-10T01:24:00.006-05:00

Sometimes, when I'm alone in my car, I get a strange feeling. It's the ghost of Idi Amin nibbling on my thigh. Let's get the results for Week 3.

Kim vs Shwe
Kim Jong-Il has run North Korea since Uncle Jessie was tucking Michelle in at night, Screetch was being stuffed in lockers, and Roseanne had her old face. Kim is preparing to test some more weapons as tensions with South Korea continue to rise. South Korean conservative president Lee Myung-Bak has refused to grant aid to the North, which has made Kim very angry, causing him to break out in hives and test nuclear weapons- it's a rare disease. Than Shwe, the head honcho of Burma and the chief in charge of Myanmar, is ignoring the United Nations. That's not evil, that's George W. Bush-like. Than Shwe and George W. Bush are pretty similar if you think about it. Both did coke in college.
winner: Kim

Khamenei vs Nazarbayev
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the Supreme Leader of Iran. I just read a summary about Iran's government structure and strange phrases appeared such as: checks and balances, presidential elections, and consensus-building. No where did I read about al Qaeda, nuclear weapons, or the Ayatollah's difficulties with flatulence. Needless to say, I was very confused. Could my entire impression of Iran have been wrong all along? Dick Cheney and Hillary Clinton told me that Iran was a dangerous theocracy hell-bent on killing us all. I didn't see the word hell-bent anywhere in the summary! I hate when reality shakes my world view.

Kazakhstan's President Nursultan Nazarbayev (SPOILER ALERT) is probably not long for this competition largely because he has too many letters in his name and it's a real pain in the ass to type it repeatedly week in and week out. Sorry Kazakhs, but get rid of this bum and install a new dictator with a shorter name and we'll talk. For now, Nazarbayev signed a law that will require at least two parties in parliament at all times. Did he make the change because I said he thinks the D in AIDS stands for democracy? Almost certainly. While it sounds like good news for the Kazakh people, keep in mind that the next election isn't until 2012. Also, Iran already has more than one party in its parliament, so...
winner: Nazarbayev

Bongo vs al-Assad
Omar Bongo of Gabon has been playing the blues of late. He's gone to Morocco to be with his sick wife. That's not particularly evil. Bongo is even more of a mensch than you realize. He took his wife on a memorable trip to Paris courtesy of the French foreign minister, Bernard Kouchner. Kouchner arranged a backstage tour of the Eiffel Tower and he even set up a romantic dinner for the lovely couple in a Parisian jail where they were allowed to whip inmates by candle light. Kouchner just wanted the Bongos to feel at home.

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad spent yesterday morning looking at himself in the mirror as he combed his pubescent mustache, pondering which Lebanese political leader to kill next and how to criticize Israel so he doesn't seem like a sell-out while not pissing them off so his country isn't blown apart like a Lebanese political leader. When al-Assad finished combing his mustache three hours later, he started the laborious chore of parting his hair and deciding which tone to take with Egypt and the U.S.
winner: al-Assad

Chavez vs al-Bashir
Protests rang out all over Venezuela against President Hugo Chavez's proposal of unlimited terms. People think it's just a way for Chavez to stay in power for life. Chavez has asked his citizens not to look ahead, noting that "the present is a gift. That's why it's called the present." Protestors told Chavez to keep his present and go fuck a picture of Pinochet. Omar al-Bashir, despite the best efforts of the ELL, still leads Sudan. Darfuri rebels still distrust the Sudanese government heading into peace talks between the two sides. See what a little genocide can do to a friendship? Honestly, the rebels should get over it. There are going to be tough times in this life and sometimes those tough times will include mass murder, torture, rape, and systematic starvation. When life gives you lemons...
winnner: al-Bashir

standings:
al-Bash 3-0
Chavez 2-1
Kim J-I 2-1
al-Assa 2-1
T Shwe 1-2
Bongo 1-2
Nazarb 1-2
Khame 0-3

Season 5, Week 2

2009-01-29T13:22:00.004-05:00

U.S. President Barack Obama is a threat to the Evil Leaders League. After he's done, America might not have any enemies left to ridicule in a silly competition such as this. Can the world survive without any evil leaders or leagues to mock those leaders? And even if it can, who would want to live in such a world? Fortunately, America's foreign policy is highly influenced by unelected bureaucratic officials and big corporations who will always ensure the existence of evil leaders. Thank the lord. Now that we all can rest assured that the ELL will continue, let's get to the results.

Bongo vs al-Bashir
There hasn't been a contest like this since Gooding/Epps. Not since Mullah/Don. Gabonese, Gabonian, Gabonese, Gaboner (whatever it is) President Omar Bongo looks a whole lot like Rubin "Hurricane" Carter's father. Bongo's latest album entitled Graft is a wonderful ode to corrupt African dictators and even reportedly features a guest spot from former Senegalese Prime Minister Macky Sall. Omar al-Bashir, who looks like Michael Wilbon's father, heads the Sudanese regime. Sudanese government forces launched an attack against Darfuri rebels using fresh air strikes. If only the food in Darfur was that fresh... or existent.
winner: al-Bashir

Khamenei vs Chavez
The Supreme Leader of Iran and huge Diana Ross fan, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is a lot like a record producer. He's got the power, he's got the money, but Ahmadinejad gets all the pub. That's just fine for Khamenei as he pops out another Britney Spears record from the shadows. But there's a new sound out there now, coming from the mouth of Barack Obama. Khamenei might have to change things up. Change is never good for an evil leader. Hugo Chavez, the top denizen of Venezuela, recently insulted Obama calling him "Bush lite." He then commented about how witty that comment was because Busch is also a beer. It was a double entendre! Isn't that clever? Then Chavez met with Obama and, despite the previous animosity, fell in love like something out of a predictable 1980s movie. But at least the Socialist oil checker has a starring role.
winner: Chavez

Kim vs Nazarbayev
Kim Jong-Il, the big head of North Korea, is healthy according to the coiffed leader's son. Apparently, Kim is swinging an aluminum bat at the shins of his sons like a man half his age. That's good to hear. A healthy evilness needs both the evil and the healthy parts. The president of Kazakhstan goes by the name of Nursultan Nazarbayev. Nazarbayev wants there to be a global currency. He suggested the currency could be the small intestines of democracy advocates, which, coincidentally, is already Kazakhstan's currency. When he's not coming up with great ideas, Nazarbayev is attending official Indian celebrations. Apparently, the world's largest democracy hasn't heard Nazarbayev's proposal yet.
winner: Kim

al-Assad vs Shwe
Bashar al-Assad is the president of Syria. He congratulated Gaza over its recent victory. If that was a victory, I don't want to win anything ever! But it's important for an evil chief to be delusional, just ask the leadership of Citigroup. But then al-Assad went and spoiled it all by saying something crazy like: I'm cautiously optimistic that the new American president will bring peace to the region. You know that means you have to give up Lebanon, don't you? Burmese leader Than Shwe runs the military junta in Myanmar. Shwe is a lot like your uncle on cocaine. He's ruining the family but he doesn't care. He won't listen to reason. He hurts everyone around him. There's no changing him. But unlike your uncle, Than Shwe won't share with the kids.
winner: Shwe

standings:
al-Bash 2-0
Chavez 2-0
T Shwe 1-1
Kim J-I 1-1
al-Assa 1-1
Bongo 1-1
Nazarb 0-2
Khame 0-2

Season 5, Week 1

2009-01-22T00:13:00.011-05:00

This is the fifth season of the Evil Leaders League. The league will continue to consist of 8 evil leaders. Five participants are returning from last season and three are new. This is a round-robin league, much like the English Premier League soccer, not a tournament. There will be a playoffs at the end of the regular season. This season's Evil Leaders League (ELL) is dedicated to Saparmurat Niyazov.

Let's meet the competitors:
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Champion last season.
Than Shwe - leader of Myanmar since 1992. Finished 2nd.
Hugo Chavez - president of Venezuela since 1999. Finished 3rd.
Kim Jong-Il - leader in North Korea since 1994. Finished 4th.
Nursultan Nazarbayev - president of Kazakhstan since 1991. Finished 5th.
Bashar al-Assad - president of Syria since 2000. New.
Omar Bongo - president of Gabon since 1967. New.
Ali Khamenei - Ayatollah of Iran since 1989. New.

al-Bashir vs Shwe
Omar al-Bashir, the ruler of Sudan, is coming off his third ELL championship. This is a rematch of last season's final matchup. Omar al-Bashir is still the evilest man in town. The mass murder continues in Sudan's Darfur region and al-Bashir should hear back on his charge of genocide from the ICC pretty soon. His ally, Hassan al-Turabi was sent to jail, which is bad for al-Bashir's political future, but good for his evil reputation and with the ladies, who love the 'bad boy.' Than Shwe, who is a little bit like a woman because he can multi-task as he's ruling both Myanmar and Burma, has a bratty grandson. This grandson, Shwe's favorite, kidnapped a famous Burmese model. Chip off the old block. Shwe hopes that the election of U.S. president Barack Obama will clear up the "misunderstandings" the two countries have had. Shwe has outlined a roadmap for democracy. This roadmap is reminiscent of the Beltway during Friday rush hour.
winner: al-Bashir

Kim vs Chavez
Kim Jong-Il still leads North Korea. He has named his favorite son, Kim Jong Un, his successor should the elder Kim die. Kim made the announcement by saying, "My successor will be... Kim Jong Un-Na-Na-Nana!" while Master P's Make Em Say Uhh blasted in the background. I don't know what's more evil, ensuring the continuation of an autocratic dynasty or picking a favorite son. Hugo Chavez, the guy who makes the rules in Venezuela, is trying to pass an amendment that will abolish term limits for the president, which coincidently, happens to be him. The proposed amendment has created student protests both for and against. Apparently, dictatorships and the status quo are a hit with the young co-eds in Caracas.
winner: Chavez

Nazarbayev vs Bongo
Kazakh President Nursultan Nazarbayev, who has chosen the nickname Naz, is negotiating with U.S. General David Patreaus. Kazakhstan will allow the U.S. to use its land to transport non-military aid to Afghanistan for 7 Michael Jackson CDs. 1980s Michael Jackson CDs, none of that new bullshit; what do you think, the Kazakh leadership is filled with a bunch of oblivious half-wits? Naz is going to use his alliance with the U.S. to its fullest potential. Omar Bongo leads Gabon, which is in Africa, and I didn't just racistly make up that name or country. Bongo got off to the good start by jailing activists and journalists who inquired about possible government corruption. Bongo jazzed up his performance by not allowing the detainees to have a lawyer. According to Gabonese ministers Saiontz, Kirk & Miles, the prisoners did not have a phone (an obscure local reference, I know).
winner: Bongo

al-Assad vs Khamenei
Bashar al-Assad ushered in a new wave of change in Syria back in 2000. The Syrian president is a big fan of Hamas. He thinks less of Israel, calling for every Arab country to boycott Israel and high school productions of Fiddler on the Roof. Bashar al-Assad likens Hamas to a big bunch of teddy bears. He praises their use of "freedom rockets" into Israeli cities. The only thing nicer than Hamas is a basket full of blueberry muffins on a sunny summer's day. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the Ayatollah of Iran, hence the title Ayatollah in front of his name. Khamenei continues this contest's anti-Israel sentiment. He has called for Iranian citizens to combat Israel's war in Gaza without advocating killing Israeli citizens. He has also called for Iranian citizens to watch episodes of Seinfeld without advocating laughter. Even though Khamenei is the Supreme Ruler of Iran, no one in the West cares until he says something Ahmadinejadian.
winner: al-Assad

standings:
al-Bash 1-0
Chavez 1-0
al-Assa 1-0
Bongo 1-0
T Shwe 0-1
Kim J-I 0-1
Nazarb 0-1
Khame 0-1

Putin and Abba

2009-01-08T02:39:00.001-05:00

Putin is reportedly a huge Abba fan.

Omar Bongo's Record Breakdown

2009-01-08T00:51:00.003-05:00

Omar Bongo's all-time regular season record against:

Hugo Chavez: 1-0
Nursultan Nazarbayev: 1-0
Bashar: al-Assad: 0-1
Omar al-Bashir: 0-1
Kim Jong-Il: 0-1
Ali Khamenei: 0-1
Than Shwe: 0-1

Total: 2-5

Bashar al-Assad's Record Breakdown

2009-01-02T14:05:00.002-05:00

Bashar al-Assad's all-time regular season record against:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: 1-0
Ilham Aliyev: 1-0
Omar Bongo: 1-0
Ali Khamenei: 1-0
Nursultan Nazarbayev: 1-0
Teodoro Obiang: 1-0
Omar al-Bashir: 1-1
Hugo Chavez: 1-1
Kim Jong-Il: 0-2
Than Shwe: 0-2

Total: 8-6

al-Assad's all-time playoff record against:

Omar al-Bashir: 0-1

Total: 0-1

Ali Khamenei's Record Breakdown

2009-01-02T02:54:00.002-05:00

Ali Khamenei's all-time regular season record against:

Omar Bongo: 1-0
Bashar al-Assad: 0-1
Omar al-Bashir: 0-1
Hugo Chavez: 0-1
Kim Jong-Il: 0-1
Nursultan Nazarbayev: 0-1
Than Shwe: 0-1

Total: 1-6

Ali Khamenei

2008-11-29T18:31:00.004-05:00

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has been the Supreme Leader of Iran since 1989. Believe it or not, being the Supreme Leader of Iran gives him the ultimate authority with regards to policy decisions. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad eat your heart out. Unfortunately for Khamenei's ELL career, Americans prefer to claim that Ahmadinejad is a crazy dictator rather than give the Grand Ayatollah his due. What's a Supreme Leader gotta do to get some respect 'round here?

Overall record: 1-6
Season 5: 1-6

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 5: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Ali Khamenei was relegated after Season 5.

Fun fact: Ayatollah Ali Khamenei hides a stash of fun size Snickers in his head wrap. Hey, the man likes to nosh.

Omar Bongo

2008-11-28T15:06:00.009-05:00

Omar Bongo was the president of Gabon from 1967 until 2009, when he up and died, which is another way of saying that he ruled the country since before Madonna was fucking things. Bongo stayed in power by either paying off or jailing political opponents. His opponents tended to hope for the former as opposed to the latter. In his spare time, Bongo did a one-man off-Broadway performance in which he played Rubin "Hurricane" Carter's father. He was also short.

Overall record: 2-5
Season: 2-5

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 5: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Omar Bongo was relegated after Season 5.

Fun fact: Officially, Omar Bongo died of a heart attack. But in reality, he died- after reading all of the mean things we've said about him on the ELL site- of a broken heart.

Bashar al-Assad

2008-11-28T14:56:00.005-05:00

Bashar al-Assad has been the president of Syria since 2000. His accomplishments include funding radical extremists who create havoc throughout the Middle East and controlling-then-releasing Lebanon. Considering he spends hours each day combing and styling his pre-pubescent mustache, it's a wonder where al-Assad finds the time. Then, the Syrian president has attempted to get in the good graces of the global community by offering to mediate negotiations between the U.S. and Iran, which is a little like Rush Limbaugh mediating negotiations between himself and painkillers.

He recently invented a new game called "kill 'n deny." Bashar is the current world champ.

Overall record: 8-6
Season 5: 5-2
Season 6: 3-4

Playoff record: 0-1
Season 5: 0-1
Season 6: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Bashar al-Assad lost a 3-way tie-breaker and was relegated.

Fun fact: Bashar al-Assad enters every international conference the same way, by screaming, "Here I am ladies; now who wants syphilis!"

Than Shwe's Record Breakdown

2008-10-22T02:08:00.006-04:00

Than Shwe's all-time regular season record against:

Bashar al-Assad: 2-0
Nursultan Nazarabyev: 2-0
Ilham Aliyev: 1-0
Silvio Berlusconi: 1-0
Omar Bongo: 1-0
Felipe Calderon: 1-0
Ali Khamenei: 1-0
Evo Morales: 1-0
Pervez Musharraf: 1-0
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: 2-1
Hugo Chavez: 2-1*
Omar al-Bashir: 2-2
Teodoro Obiang: 1-1
Kim Jong-Il: 1-3
Hamid Karzai: 0-1

Total: 19-9

* Not included: Shwe beat Chavez in a tie-breaker in season 5 to make the playoffs.

Shwe's all-time playoff record against:

Hugo Chavez: 1-0
Hamid Karzai: 1-0
Omar al-Bashir: 2-1
Kim Jong-Il: 1-1

Total: 5-2

Nursultan Nazarbayev's Record Breakdown

2008-10-22T02:02:00.004-04:00

Nursultan Nazarbayev's all-time regular season record against:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: 1-0
Felipe Calderon: 1-0
Ali Khamenei: 1-0
Pervez Musharraf: 1-0
Bashar al-Assad: 0-1
Omar Bongo: 0-1
Omar al-Bashir: 0-2
Hugo Chavez: 0-2
Kim Jong-Il: 0-2
Than Shwe: 0-2

Total: 4-10

Felipe Calderon's Record Breakdown

2008-10-22T01:56:00.002-04:00

Felipe Calderon's all-time regular season record against:

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: 0-1
Omar al-Bashir: 0-1
Hugo Chavez: 0-1
Kim Jong-Il: 0-1
Pervez Musharraf: 0-1
Nursultan Nazarbayev: 0-1
Than Shwe: 0-1

Total: 0-7

Season 4 Review

2008-10-08T00:04:00.004-04:00

This has been a wonderful season for the Evil Leaders League. ELL fans across the land have said that this campaign gave them a number of smiling cringes. And why wouldn't it have. There is plenty of smile-worthy and cringe-worthy stuff in Season 4 of the ELL. I'd like to thank our fans, our evil leaders, but most of all, the oppressed peoples of the world, because without them, there would be no Evil Leaders League.

The Champion - Omar al-Bashir 6-1 (2-0) [all-time: 22-6 (6-1)]
Omar al-Bashir won his third championship in the four season history of the ELL. He is the ELL version of the Houston Comets of the WNBA. Omar al-Bashir has presided over a genocide in the Darfur region of Sudan for a while now. But this season he brought something new, an indictment on charges of genocide by the ICC. A person committing a genocide and then be charged with the very same crime. How ironic! A little too ironic. In the wake of the financial crisis in the U.S., George Bush could learn a thing or two from al-Bashir about presidential leadership during a tough time. Even in the face of unspeakable tragedy, al-Bashir has the courage to dance the night away, a playful reminder to Darfuri citizens that in every life we have some trouble, but when you worry you make it double, don't worry, be happy.

Check out the best out-of-context lines from this season in the Highlights section.

The Challengers
Than Shwe 7-0 (1-1) - The Burmese and Myanmar military junta leader made his subjects suffer, which incidentally, happens to be his fetish.
Hugo Chavez 4-3 (0-1) [17-11 (1-3)] - The Venezuelan president is the Lindsey Lohan of being addicted to nationalizing things.
Kim Jong-Il 5-2 (0-1) [18-10 (3-3)] - Who knows if the North Korean leader is alive or not, but he sure is evil.
Nursultan Nazarbayev 3-4 - You'd think having so many letters in his name would've got him relegated, but his hatred of democracy keeps him in the league for another season.

The Relegated
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 2-5 [15-13 (1-2)] - It's always sad to see a long time favorite leave, but the second most powerful man of a poor- though boisterous- nation can only stay in the ELL for so long.
Pervez Musharraf 1-6 [6-8 (0-1)] - Resigning from the presidency of Pakistan doesn't help one's evil clout.
Felipe Calderon 0-7 - The conservative pro-U.S. president of Mexico is about as evil as an ambitious immigrant, but he is more of an elitist.

Some Facts and Figures:
Uses of the word during the fourth ELL season - some variation of the word "evil" 45 times; "ass" 3 times; "fuck" or "shit" amazingly zero times; "pimp" 1 time; "anal" 3 times "democracy" 6 times.

5 genocides in Game 1 of the ELL Finals
4 times Hitler came up either explicitly or implicitly
3 references to either anal herpes or anal warts
2 inexplicable mentions of tacos
1 dump each on the Jewish parody rapper formerly known as 50 Shekel, Gaylord Perry's rookie card, and Frank Stallone.

Join us next season for more Evil Leaders League action.

Season 4, ELL Finals Game 3

2008-09-29T23:58:00.004-04:00

Here it is. The final contest of Season 4 of the Evil Leaders League. Will Omar al-Bashir capture his third championship in the fourth ELL season or will Than Shwe grab his first in as many tries? Let's get the result.

al-Bashir vs Shwe
One of the reasons there were calls to boycott the Olympics in China was because of their support for Omar al-Bashir's Sudanese government. That's like condemning Gandhi because his brother was a dick. Ghana is asking their president, John Kufuor, to disallow entry into their country for Mr. Bashir and it's not because Omar smells. The ICC is still on al-Bashir's ass just because he happens to be responsible for a few hundred thousand deaths. Chalk it up to a youthful indiscretion. Hey, aren't we all entitled to make a few hundred thousand mistakes without being indicted on charges of genocide?

Than Shwe kills Buddhist monks in Burma and he kills Buddhist monks in Myanmar. It's just his thing. Now the anniversary of a major crackdown against the protesting monks is near and Shwe and his military junta are ready to roll (over the monks with their tanks if need be). Every once in a while, Shwe has this weird sensation in the pit of his stomach. It's a tingly feeling. But he can't quite seem to articulate it. Because there's no Burmese word for "guilt." But there are plenty of Burmese words for murderous dictator. Two of them are "Than" and "Shwe."
winner: al-Bashir
series: al-Bashir 2-1

Congratulations to Omar al-Bashir for winning his third championship in four Evil Leaders League seasons! The season in review extravaganza is still to come.

Season 4, ELL Finals Game 2

2008-09-26T00:38:00.006-04:00

Can Than Shwe end the Evil Leaders League season today or will Omar al-Bashir force a deciding Game 3? Let's find out.

Shwe vs al-Bashir
The Burmese leader from Myanmar is Than Shwe. On Tuesday, Shwe ordered the release of numerous prisoners, included famed politic dissident, Win "Tin" Tin. Shwe personally freed Tin and gave him a doggy biscuit for being such a "good boy." While releasing those prisoners, Shwe's henchman were rounding up other political opponents, including Lassie Wei and Scooby Du. So ultimately, Shwe just broke even this time around. Evil leaders want to be breaking things, but not even.

Because of the crisis in Darfur, the Sudanese president, Omar al-Bashir, has stopped his media tour and rushed to Khartoum to try and solve the genocide. Due to the crisis, al-Bashir wants to postpone the debate within the country until a time after the crisis has been resolved. The Sudanese autocrat claims this move is above politics. He assures that the time to talk has passed, now is the time to grandstand. People are dying and they need a leader who shuns them and refuses to express his ideas on the subject to the public. It's called being a maverick. Oh, that Omar al-Bashir is callous to his soul and evil to the bone. Well played.
winner: al-Bashir
series: Tied 1-1

Season 4, ELL Finals Game 1

2008-09-23T00:41:00.005-04:00

As always, the ELL Finals is a best out of three affair (first competitor to reach two victories grabs the title) with a quick turn-around. Than Shwe, the Burmese leader of Myanmar, is in his first season while Sudan's Omar al-Bashir is gunning for his third ELL championship in his fourth playoff appearance. This is the best matchup the ELL Finals has ever seen as the two participants went a combined 13-1 during the regular season.

al-Bashir vs Shwe
Omar al-Bashir has no idea how many houses he owns, but he knows exactly how many genocides he's perpetrated. One; against the people of Darfur. For those concerned that the genocide might be losing steam, al-Bashir assures you, "The fundamentals of the genocide are strong." When questioned about his statement in wake of his ICC indictment on that very charge, al-Bashir clarified to say that he meant the people carrying out the genocide, the Janjaweed militia, are strong. Particularly because they have guns and all the Darfuri civilians have is malnutrition.

Than Shwe would love to perpetrate a genocide as Burma's Buddhist monks have learned the hard way. But a vicious cyclone wiped out much of the population over the summer, which has made it hard to commit one. Shwe has decided to put on a mock election, just to stick it to the country's democracy-hugging, arugula-eating elitists. He's labeled the first primary, Cyclone Tuesday. His platform will consist of two major points. On the domestic front, his administration has reduced crime, by allowing thousands of people to die in the aftermath of the cyclone because Shwe wouldn't allow aid agencies to enter the country. People tend to like safer streets. Touting his foreign policy credentials, he claims that Burma is near Russia. Then, Shwe went ahead with the election and won with 100% of the vote. The vote total was 1 for Than Shwe, 0 for everyone else in the country.
winner: Shwe
series: Shwe 1-0

Season 4, Semis 2nd Leg

2008-09-16T00:43:00.004-04:00

The winners of each contest will face each other in the ELL Finals for the championship. Let's see who that will be.

Shwe vs Chavez
Than Shwe leads Myanmar, a.k.a. the country formerly known as Burma. The United Nations is determined to iron out an agreement with Shwe. Shwe is determined to iron out the face of opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi. The military junta-tarian is also considering following in the footsteps of Bengals Wide Receiver Chad Johnson by changing his name to "Greater Than Shwe" because it would piss off Head Coach Marvin Lewis.

Hugo Chavez is not only the president of Venezuela, he's also a painter. His last painting sold for $250,000 and was bought by the triumvirate of Sean Penn, Danny Glover, and Cindy Sheehan. Chavez also received a letter from the ailing Fidel Castro. The letter read in part, "Dear Hugo, Please don't get shot. I like butterflies. Sometim... fjgksolftrldkfgkldklgggggggggggggggg." Apparently, old Strokey McCastro had a relapse in the middle of dictating the letter.
winner 2nd leg: Shwe by 7
winner overall: Shwe by 18

al-Bashir vs Kim
Omar al-Bashir runs Sudan for now. He also runs the genocide in Darfur. Recently, Holocaust scholars have come out against him. The last person Holocaust scholars publicly condemned had a funny little mustache and liked to yell things in German. Of course, I'm referring to David Hasselhoff back in college. So, this is not a good sign for al-Bashir. Kim Jong-Il will head North Korea as long as he stays alive. Both the United States and South Korea do not possess a strategy for a post-Kim North Korea. That means that they hope he lives and stays in power. When your most ardent enemies want you to stay in power, you've lost your evil edge. Kim is like a porn star with ED. A sad sight indeed.
winner 2nd leg: al-Bashir by 30
winner overall: al-Bashir by 40

Season 4, Semis 1st Leg

2008-09-09T00:07:00.005-04:00

We've finally reached the playoffs. That pause for the Olympics was obnoxious, wasn't it? Here is the point where the heavy hitters of evilness are ready to do battle for the most malevolent title in the land, the ELL championship. Now up is the semifinals, which will consist of two legs, best aggregate score wins. Let's get the results.

Chavez vs Shwe
Hugo Chavez, the president of Venezuela, is an evil guy in his own right. Opposition parties consider the state media coverage unfair. Shockingly, they believe that the state media favors the people in charge of the state. But the media isn't the only entity Chavez has nationalized in an attempt to create his Socialist paradise. He's nationalized the fuel industry, the pornography industry, puppies, head lice, your grandmother, Wednesdays, foot odor, and genital warts but not anal warts because Mitt Romney has a pretty good hold on that industry.

Than Shwe is the military ruler of Myanmar and Burma. In Myanmar, Shwe jails and kills dissenters. Aung San Suu Kyi is one of those jailed dissenters. Shwe denies that Suu Kyi is on a hunger strike protesting the lack of freedom in the country. Shwe asked the question, "Is it a hunger strike if we don't feed her? Of course not. There is no indication that she is performing a hunger strike." In Burma, Shwe refuses to allow aid agencies to work unfettered to help its struggling citizenry. Chavez might be an evil guy, but Shwe is evil enough for two countries. Two is better than one.
winner: Shwe by 11

Kim vs al-Bashir
Kim Jong-Il is the reclusive leader of North Korea. If he hasn't been dead for the last five years, as a Japanese professor reported, then he at least might be on his way. He collapsed last month according to Chinese sources. The cause of the collapse is believed to be related to the episode of Friends where Ross cheats on Rachel and then justifies it by claiming that they were on a break. When Kim awoke, he was comforted by the fact that his subjects are still impoverished, often dying of starvation, and that Ross and Rachel would eventually get back together.

Omar al-Bashir reigns over Sudan. It seems love is in the air for al-Bashir. I always hear women say there are no good men anymore; well ladies, I present Omar al-Bashir. He's very successful, running his own country since the late 1980s. He's ambitious, refusing to stop massacring the people of Darfur until someone forcibly stops him. But he's not all about work either, girls. He's quite a dancer and is an excellent dart thrower. But his passion is hunting (black Africans). So stop falling for the wrong guy- men who will "treat you with respect"- and give Omar a call.
winner: al-Bashir by 10

Season 4, Week 7

2008-09-03T00:14:00.005-04:00

All season long, we've watched these competitors reach down deep and pull out moments of evilness that have left us breathless (and have left some headless). We've come to the last week of the regular season and our participants will try to make it work one last time. Let's get the results.

Chavez vs Calderon
The President of Venezuela is named Hugo Chavez. Despite being a radical leftist, the daughter of his vice president just had a baby, even though she's been married for years. What a hypocrite! When he's not shopping at Babies R Us, which was recently nationalized, Chavez is threatening to expel the U.S. ambassador to Venezuela. Chavez is angry that Ambassador Patrick Duddy- who was not the dad in Step By Step, but did enjoy the show- keeps mentioning the lack on democracy in Venezuela. If Chavez decides not to expel Duddy, he'll at least nationalize him. Mexico's President Felipe Calderon is the most threatening Spanish speaker to the United States since Jose Jimenez. After the President's army of illegal immigrants takes over the United States government, he'll introduce himself as such: "My name... Felipe Calderon. I your president new."
winner: Chavez

Ahmadinejad vs Musharraf
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the first term president of Iran, and Bolivia's Evo Morales have become strong allies. Guess what Ahmadinejad, to quote Danny Ainge, "Che is not walking through that door. Simon Bolivar is not walking through that door. An arsenal of nuclear weapons is not walking through that door." Give it up. Pervez Musharraf used to be the president of Pakistan until two weeks ago. Now, he's just some guy. Musharraf's resignation has made Indian political cartoonists very sad. Now they have to resort to lambasting their own corrupt public officials. Though not the most powerful man in his country, at least Ahmadinejad doesn't have to pick up his own dry cleaning yet. When that day comes, he'll call Musharraf for advice.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Kim vs Nazarbayev
North Korea's feisty little leader is Kim Jong-Il, whether he's dead or not. There have been reports that he died five years ago. Either way, Kim is flexing his evil muscle (no, not his penis). If he's alive, it always helps to keep the enemy guessing. But if he's dead, he has reigned over his terrorized population and taunted the world's global powers from beyond the grave. That would be legendarily evil. The war between Russia and Georgia was beneficial to Kazakhstan’s autocratic president, Nursultan Nazarbayev. He can afford to manufacture a bit of leverage over his country's former master, Russia. If it provokes even stronger tensions between Russia and the U.S. then Kazakhstan's strategic importance might become so high, that Nazarbayev could follow in the footsteps of Islam Karimov and boil his opponents without consequence. War to an evil leader is like ice cream to a cranky toddler. But we know Nazarbayev is alive.
winner: Kim

al-Bashir vs Shwe
For the first time in ELL history, we will have an undefeated leader after the final week of the regular season. The question is: which one? Omar al-Bashir is a two-time ELL champion and the ruler of Sudan. Omar al-Bashir might be prosecuted by the ICC on charges of genocide in Darfur after all. If he does face a trial, his only request is he wants a more comfortable cage than the ones provided to Saddam Hussein and Adolph Eichmann. Oh, and preferably Marcia Clark and Chris Darden could be the prosecuting attorneys.

Than Shwe not only leads the military junta that rules over Myanmar, but he leads the military junta that rules over Burma. This is his first season in the ELL and he has yet to lose. Shwe unveiled a new slogan to the department of tourism, "It's so nice, we named the country twice." Shwe added to the slogan, "Regardless, you're not invited." The crisis in Burma remains static, which is coincidently also the new torture method Shwe has instituted against the enemy Buddhist monks. The monks should have known the wool carpeting installed in their prison cells was too good to be true.
winner: Shwe

standings:
T Shwe 7-0
al-Bash 6-1
Kim J-I 5-2
Chavez 4-3
Nazarba 3-4
Ahmad 2-5
Mushar 1-6
Caldero 0-7

Season 4, Week 6

2008-08-25T00:43:00.006-04:00

The Olympics are over and nothing evil happened. No wars, no coups, no human rights violations, and no affairs involving former presidential candidates cheating on their terminally ill wife. Thankfully, the Olympics are over now and evil has exploded back onto the scene. Let evil ring in every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city! Let's get the results from this week.

Musharraf vs Kim
Pervez Musharraf resigned as the President of Pakistan last week. He's still the "king of the throne" in his own bathroom, however. "All turds bow before the mighty monarch Musharraf! You don't like my decree? Well then... FLUSH!" Musharraf's wife is currently searching for a psycho-therapist for her recently deposed husband. One question you might be wondering is what caused Musharraf to resign? There can only be one answer: the Evil Leaders League! North Korea's Kim Jong-Il hasn't resigned from his post as leader for life. Instead, he greeted returning failed Olympians with imprisonment until they learn to stick the dismount (regardless of the sport).
winner: Kim

Nazarbayev vs Ahmadinejad
Kazakhstan's President Nursultan Nazarbayev has a big admirer named Bill Clinton. Despite the absence of political dissent in the land of the Kazakhs, Clinton thinks Nazarbayev is a pretty swell guy. A reporter asked Clinton, "Don't you think silencing dissent is wrong?" Clinton retorted, "It depends upon what the meaning of the word is is." When asked what he thought it meant, he replied, "I hope it means a blowjob from Nursultan's hot wife." To which Nazarbayev laughed and advised Clinton to do with her what he wished.

Iran's little leader is named Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The Ayatollah, the supreme leader of Iran, gave Ahmadinejad's political fortunes a boost by endorsing him for a second term as president. To put that in American terms, that endorsement is a little below one from Ronald Reagan, but better than one from Clay Aiken. The Ayatollah criticized Ahmadinejad for allowing inflation to rise too high, which is slowing down Iran's pretend pursuit of nuclear weapons.
winner: Nazarbayev

Shwe vs Chavez
Than Shwe is the only leader in this league who rules two countries, Burma and Myanmar. Some "experts" might argue that Burma and Myanmar are the same country, but they're probably just arugula-eating elitists. Shwe recently met with UN special envoy Ibrahim Gambari. Gambari realized that he was wasting his time in meeting with the dictator when Shwe blurted out that he enjoys killing Buddhist monks because it makes him feel like a big man. Shwe likes to tell the Buddhist riddle: If a Buddhist monk falls in the woods, does he make a sound? Hugo Chavez is the leader of Venezuela. He is seriously considering changing the name of his nation to Socialzuela. Just recently, he nationalized a Mexican cement company and the tip of his own penis.
winner: Shwe

Calderon vs al-Bashir
Mexicanese President Felipe Calderon has thought up an innovative way to fight crime. He's created anti-abduction squads. Before criminals are able to kidnap people, these squads will do it first. Then, the anti-abduction squads will train the people to invade the United States by way of illegal immigration. Does Felipe Calderon's evilness know no bounds? Only a giant wall will extinguish this man's pure evil genius. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir claims that his hands are tied when it comes to stopping the violence in the Darfur region. Then he lifted up a pair of bound hands from a Darfuri citizen and said, "See!" Afterward he laughed so heartily a little bit of pee came out. Next, he used the detached hands to scratch his ass before tossing them into the garbage, going back into his office, and taking a nap.
winner: al-Bashir

standings:
al-Bash 6-0
T Shwe 6-0
Kim J-I 4-2
Nazarba 3-3
Chavez 3-3
Ahmad 1-5
Mushar 1-5
Caldero 0-6

Season 4, Week 5

2008-08-04T00:34:00.007-04:00

This is the last week of evil action before we break for the Olympics, because we all know that nothing evil happens during the Olympics. Let's get the results.

Musharraf vs Chavez
When Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf ended his 8 year run as military dictator of the country in 2007, he became just a regular dictator. All that means is he lost his 20% discount at all Army Ranger Surplus outlets. For many years he was able to play a double game, where he was a staunch U.S. ally in the war on terror while allowing the ISI to continue supporting Islamic militant groups. But as my anal herpes prove, all double games eventually end; sometimes very painfully. Hugo Chavez of Venezuela runs a socialist nation. But not the good kind of socialism. His type doesn't include hairy collegiate girls who will sleep with you. Instead, his version focuses on the whole nationalize everything so we can centralize power aspect of socialism. Frankly, I like the hairy college girls variety better.
winner: Chavez

Kim vs Calderon
Kim Jong-Il, the leader of North Korea, is only slightly less popular in South Korea than his southern counterpart, Lee Myung Bak, but its not from a lack of trying. Kim has threatened to expel all South Koreans from the North. The reason for such a threat? No, not Frank Stallone. The North killed a South Korean housewife who was touring Mt. Kumgang. Kim is like the guy who rapes you and tells you it was for your own good. Every woman is thinking about a guy they know like that right now. Mexico's President Felipe Calderon is a shrewd customer. He's planning an invasion of the U.S. When asked what part of Mexico his ancestors are from, comedian George Lopez responds, "Los Angeles, bitch!" Calderon is planning a strategy that will have American comedians making the opposite joke in just a few short years. Beware! Stop eating tacos, you're only encouraging them!
winner: Kim

al-Bashir vs Nazarbayev
Sudan's leader Omar al-Bashir was indicted for genocide by the ICC recently. South Africa's Thabo Mbeki (Robert Mugabe's bff) rejects the ICC's ruling. Nowadays, an endorsement from Mbeki only increases one's evilness. Omar's next step is to seek out the friendship of Gary Busey. Despite how Borat portrays Kazakhstan, President Nursultan Nazarbayev will tell you that his land is not backwards and not filled with bigots. In fact, Nazarbayev just now condemned the misogynist commentary of the first two ELL contests this week. Then he had a hooker lashed 50 times for not buckling her seatbelt while she blew him the backseat of his massive presidential limousine. He's a stickler for safety.
winner: al-Bashir

Ahmadinejad vs Shwe
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Iranian president, continues to claim that he will resist all attempts to stop his glorious nuclear program. He's always talking about his nuclear program. He's that guy. At McDonald's, he responds to whether or not he would like fries with that by saying, "Yeah, working on my awesome nuclear program has made me in the mood for some fry'age." Listen Mahmoud, if you keep mentioning it, it makes it a lot less evil. Now people have even questioned whether he's simply trying to stir up national pride to distract Iranians from their crumbling economy. Myanmar (and Burma) is led by a military man named Than Shwe. Not only does he treat democracy like a disease, but he kills Buddhist monks, which are the best kind of monks. The Dalai Lama has said that Shwe reminds him of a "goat's sphincter."
winner: Shwe

standings:
al-Bash 5-0
T Shwe 5-0
Kim J-I 3-2
Chavez 3-2
Nazarba 2-3
Ahmad 1-4
Mushar 1-4
Caldero 0-5

Season 4, Week 4

2008-07-28T00:11:00.005-04:00

This week's evil action goes out to terrible Jewish parody rapper turned terrible Christian rapper, 50 Shekel. May your anal herpes flare up at an inopportune moment. Let's get the results for Week 4.

Ahmadinejad vs Kim
Iran's hairy little president goes by the name of Mahmoud P. Ahmadinejad. The P stands for pimp. Ahmadinejad has further attempted to ruffle the feathers of the U.S. by claiming that Iran possesses 6,000 centrifuges. He also claims that he has 6 pairs of Lindsey Lohan's unwashed panties, 14 of Hitler’s mustache combs, and a Gaylord Perry rookie card, so take it for what it's worth. He has vowed to never give in the demands of the U.S. and the Europeans... unless, you know, they ask nicely. North Korea's leader Kim Jong-Il might show up at the Beijing Olympics. He likes the rhythmic gymnastics and the ballroom dancing. His appearance just might end the Olympics as we know it. If only rhythmic gymnastics and ballroom dancing weren't Olympic sports, we could have avoided this potential catastrophe.
winner: Kim

Shwe vs. Musharraf
In Myanmar, when you're the leader of a military junta, you're also the leader of the country. The same is true in Burma. Than Shwe fits the bill in both. Shwe would help his ravaged country in the aftermath of a devastating cyclone, but he just enjoys watching people suffer so damn much. He has the shower scene in Schindler's List on a perpetual loop. When he's not watching that, or Hotel Rwanda, he loves Nancy Grace's show. Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf is Joe Frazier to parliament's Muhammad Ali. Musharraf keeps pounding away at the government body, while parliament is attacking the head. Musharraf might sack the government and might, in turn, find his headless body in a sack. For right now, Musharraf is floating like a wounded butterfly and clinging (to power) like a (queen) bee.
winner: Shwe

Chavez vs al-Bashir
Hugo Chavez runs things in Venezuela. Oh, he's plenty evil, but he's been a little ineffective lately. He won't get his precious proxy war with the U.S. via Colombia just yet. He's seen his coalition break apart just before upcoming elections. While Chavez might have scored the proverbial own goal this week, he probably won't meet the same fate as the 1994 Colombian World Cup team's former defender, Andres Escobar... yet. Sudan's leader, Omar al-Bashir rejects the International Criminal Court's indictment of him for the crime of genocide. If only Adolph Eichman had thought of that, he might still be relaxing on the coast of Argentina with the rest of his buddies from the "good ole days."
winner: al-Bashir

Nazarbayev vs Calderon
Kazakhstan's president is Nursultan Nazarbayev. Nur means "born to;" sultan means "rule;" Nazar means "in an autocratic;" baye means "manner;" and v means "and drinks his own pee." His former royal residence is being demolished next week. Maybe that's why Sacha Baron Cohen received a curious official request to visit the building next week. Hmm. The president of Mexico is Felipe Calderon. Most Mexicans believe the government is losing the war against the drug mafia. Of course, it's all part of Calderon's plan to invade the U.S. with immigrants and eventually take over OUR country. I believe he’s also responsible for Antonio Margarito's shocking victory over Miguel Cotto. I'm not sure how that plays into his overall plan, but I'll think of something.
winner: Nazarbayev

standings:
al-Bash 4-0
T Shwe 4-0
Nazarba 2-2
Kim J-I 2-2
Chavez 2-2
Ahmad 1-3
Mushar 1-3
Caldero 0-4

Season 4, Week 3

2008-07-17T00:20:00.006-04:00

It's been an eventful week for our heroically evil leaders. When it comes to the ELL, don't settle for substitutes. Are there any substitute ELL sites? Anyway, let's check the results.

Nazarbayev vs Musharraf
Kazakhstan's president is a man named Nursultan Nazarbayev. Nazarbayev will chair Europe's OSCE in 2010 and he's preparing for it by tearing up his collection of Thomas Jefferson's writings. It's not the slavery part of Jefferson's work that is the trouble, it's the democracy part. Nazarbayev would prefer that democracy went the way of the typewriter or the French Tickler. There aren't as many French Ticklers as I encountered in my youth. Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf told his ministers that he powders his balls. Somehow that made Musharraf even more unlikable in his country. The extremists felt that nut-powdering was unIslamic, but most just felt it was weird. And weirder that he told them.
winner: Nazarbayev

Chavez vs Ahmadinejad
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela even has an evil smirk. Apparently, the rescue of hostages out of Colombia was a setback for the wet... forget it, that's not appropriate (for a few reasons). When the release of hostages hurts you politically, generally you're an evil fellow. His ex-wife hates him. That's not so evil. But she hates him to the point where she's become politically active for the opposition. Now all Hugo Chavez has to do is "do away with her" and he'll be an evil legend. Chavez has called for Latin American unity. Who are they unifying against? The United States is a good guess. He also powders his cojones with cocaine. Just for good measure. Musharraf gave him the idea.

Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad showed his evil clout by firing missiles that could carry a nuclear weapon (if Iran had one). That could be damaging because the U.S. and Israel don't have such technol... never mind. Despite this test, Bush sent a diplomatic envoy to Iran and asked Israel not to invade unilaterally. Diplomacy is evil leader suicide. Don't take the bait Mahmoud. Stay evil, brother!
winner: Chavez

Calderon vs Shwe
There's a sign in Manassas, Virginia that claims illegal immigrants deserve to be treated like human beings- no doubt part of a ploy perpetrated by Mexican President Felipe Calderon. We must resist these illegal aliens. Don't be fooled by E.T., these aliens are not cute nor harmless. They are job-stealing, taco-consuming, salsa-dancing monsters. The United Nations is set to press Than Shwe of Myanmar/Burma to open up his country to democracy. Shwe wouldn't even open up his country to foreign aid workers after the devastating cyclone, so you can shove that idea up your ass, U.N. Shwe uses U.N. treaties to wipe sweat off of his perpetually perspiring posterior. Use powder, Than.
winner: Shwe

al-Bashir vs Kim
The International Criminal Court indicted Sudan's Omar al-Bashir on charges of genocide. He will hire a Dream Team of lawyers, including F. Ali Bailey, Johnnie Muhammad Cochran, and Robert bin Shapiro, according to Sudan's minister of information, Kato Kaelin. Kim-Jong-Il, North Korea's cream-of-the-crop, recently shot a South Korean tourist. Well, he didn't actually shoot her, he has hired guards for... BREAKING NEWS: Omar al-Bashir is in the backseat of his Ford Bronco as it slowly zooms down the Khartoum Freeway. The driver is his friend Ahmad al-Cowlings. We have al-Cowlings on the phone.
"Hello. I've got O.B. in the backseat holding a gun to his head."
"Who is this?"
"This is A.C. You know who this is, dammit!"
We'll stay with this story as long as possible.
winner: al-Bashir

standings
al-Bash 3-0
T Shwe 3-0
Chavez 2-1
Kim J-I 1-2
Ahmad 1-2
Mushar 1-2
Nazarba 1-2
Caldero 0-3

Season 4, Week 2

2008-07-08T00:39:00.004-04:00

One of the most important aspects of any evil leader's job is dishing out brutal treatment of minorities. One of the most popular minorities to persecute across the world is the Jews. So here are the results of the ELL's Jewish-themed week.

Musharraf vs al-Bashir
Pakistani President Musharraf is not a popular man. His detractors have claimed that he's in bed with the Jews. Not literally. He's no Imran Khan. But the leader of a country that is possibly harboring Osama Bin Laden does not want to be seen as a Jew-lover. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir is another Muslim leader. He believes that the Jews are behind the attempt to send UN peace-keepers into genocide-laden Darfur. No, it wasn't meant to be a compliment. Apparently, al-Bashir also makes secret trips to Israel. This contest is really falling apart. Two Muslim leaders of nations with militant fundamentalists, and we can't get even a decent dose of anti-Semitism. Well, at least al-Bashir claims that Jews control U.S. foreign policy. It's a hackneyed accusation, but at least it's something.
winner: al-Bashir

Shwe vs Kim
Than Shwe leads Burma a.k.a. Myanmar. Whatever you call the country, there are only 20 Jews left within its borders and they're terrified for their lives. That is more like the anti-Semitism I was expecting! Kim Jong-Il looks a little bit like my grandmother, but that's as close as North Korea comes to anything Jewish. Apparently, Kim is not a fan of Itzhak Perlman, which is why he trades military secrets with enemies of Israel. Maybe North Korea actually trades with other rogue nations because the global community views them as pariah states and so it's their only choice. Eh no, that's not it. My Itzhak Perlman theory makes more sense.
winner: Shwe

Ahmadinejad vs Calderon
Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is responsible for the worst atrocities the Jews have ever had to endure. Hitler couldn't hold Ahmadinejad's left nut (and that's the unclean nut). He's denied the Holocaust (specifically saying, "I didn't care much for Life is Beautiful"), he's massacred Jews from the comfort of his own home (he plays World of Warcraft against a bunch of nerdy Heebs from Boca Raton), and he's threatened to nuke Israel into oblivion (despite the lack of firepower stronger than a cherry bomb). Felipe Calderon is the President of Mexico. He condemned an old resolution from 1975 that linked Zionism with racism. That's really weak, hombre. But he has enlisted his army of Mexican laborers to steal the landscaping jobs that once belonged to the Jews.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Nazarbayez vs Chavez
Nursultan Nazarbayev of Kazakhstan really let me down here. He is another leader of a Muslim country, yet he is considered a friend of Israel and the Jews. I had prepared myself for the especially heinous anti-Semitism coming out of the Muslim world that I always hear about in the American and Israeli press and, well, I have been woefully disappointed. Nothing can make me feel better. But wait. Venezuela's Hugo Chavez has called Colombia "the Israel of Latin America," because both are the primary aggressors in their respective regions. Jackpot! That has all of the features of dynamite anti-Semitism. It's original. It's nonsensical. It makes it local. It's a completely unnecessary shot at the Jews. It's totally unfair to Israel. It's new. It's fresh. Thank you Hugo Chavez, for restoring my faith in evil leaders' anti-Semitism.
winner: Chavez

standings:
al-Bash 2-0
T Shwe 2-0
Kim J-I 1-1
Ahmad 1-1
Mushar 1-1
Chavez 1-1
Caldero 0-2
Nazarba 0-2

Season 4, Week 1

2008-06-30T00:32:00.017-04:00

This is the fourth season of the Evil Leaders League. The league will continue to consist of 8 evil leaders. Five participants are returning from last season and three are new. This is a round-robin league, much like the English Premier League soccer, not a tournament. There will be a playoffs at the end of the regular season. This season's Evil Leaders League (ELL) is dedicated to Ian Smith.

Let's meet the competitors:
Kim Jong-Il - leader in North Korea since 1994. Champion last season.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - president of Iran since 2005. Finished 2nd.
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Finished 3rd.
Pervez Musharraf - president of Pakistan since 1999. Finished 4th
Hugo Chavez - president of Venezuela since 1999. Finished 5th.
Nursultan Nazarbayev - president of Kazakhstan since 1991. New.
Than Shwe - leader of Myanmar since 1992. New.
Felipe Calderón - President of Mexico since 2006. New.

Week 1
Kim vs Chavez
A stunning turn of events has occurred since North Korea's ruler Kim Jong-Il won last season's ELL championship. Kim destroyed some of his nuclear weapons facilities. George Bush said he will now ask Congress to take North Korea off of the list of state-sponsors of terrorism within 45 days. Absolutely amazing. It's like when a wrestler that you've hated all of his career suddenly becomes a fan-favorite and as a result, he loses all of his contests. Venezuela's Hugo Chavez is coming off of a relatively bad evil season and a mixed offseason. He was about to go to war with Colombia, but decided to agree to disagree with Colombian president Alvaro Uribe. He looks at $4.25 a gallon for gas in the U.S. compared to 12 cents in Venezuela and smiles. But his former allies within the country are starting to desert him. While Kim's country will soon come off of the state-sponsor of terrorism list, technically, it's still there.
winner: Kim

Calderon vs Musharraf
Mexico's Felipe Calderon is the mastermind behind a plot to chase all of his co-nationalists to the United States in order to steal our jobs. He is doing this by freezing rising food prices and fighting a war against drug smugglers. I bet he secretly sings the U.S. national anthem in Spanish, too. Pervez Musharraf, the President of Pakistan, is determined to crush Islamic terrorists. That's not evil; in fact, it's very Bush-like. But he is very unpopular in his own country. He could face impeachment soon, but refuses to relinquish power. Now we're talking, Pervez! Hanging on to power, no matter how ineffectual your leadership, oozes evil.
winner: Musharraf

Nazarbayev vs Shwe
When Nursultan Nazarbayev (say that five times fast) of Kazakhstan isn't criticizing the movie Borat or listening to his daughter lament the global "gaying up" of men (she hates the fauxhawk and collar-popping), the president is promising that his country won't have a one-party parliament. Why would he make such a promise? It's like when someone promises you, "I won't snort cocaine." You only have to make a promise like that if it's happened already. Myanmar or Burma has a military leader named Than Shwe. Since I only get my news from President Bush's State of the Union Addresses, I can tell you than Shwe is the worst person in the world. He's beefed up his evil credentials by not allowing foreign aid workers to help his subjects affected by the recent devastating cyclone. He's the Sammy Davis Jr. of evilness, an all-around performer.
winner: Shwe

al-Bashir vs Ahmadinejad
Sudan's Omar al-Bashir continues to implement his Final Solution in massacring the black people of his country. Hey, that's Hitler's thing! I've never been a fan of evil dick-riding. Get your own thing. The Ultimate Answer. The Last Result. You know, something original, something catchy. You want your murderous Jangaweed militia to keep your genocide going, don't you? Iran has a little leader with a big heart named Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He is rooting for John McCain to win the presidency so he can stay in the ELL. If Barack Obama wins, Ahmadinejad will become irrelevant and even worse, face relegation. Thank Allah for Israel and their insatiable hatred of Iran. Ahmadinejad might just grab that elusive ELL championship yet.
winner: al-Bashir

Poor Robert Mugabe. He always steps up his evilness after he's relegated. Hopefully someday he'll time it right.

standings:
Kim J-I 1-0
al-Bash 1-0
Mushar 1-0
T Shwe 1-0
Nazarba 0-1
Caldero 0-1
Ahmad 0-1
Chavez 0-1

Reviews of the ELL

2008-06-24T20:57:00.002-04:00

Some of the more positive reviews of the Evil Leaders League:

"somewhat humorous"
"And don't get tetchy with me for having posted [a link to the ELL]."
- Because I can't be serious all the time... in A colombo-americana's perspective

"I'm not being paid for this celebrity endorsement."
- Follow Up: Yo Burma ... I mean China ... Err Russia ... in The World According to Nik

"actually quite comical"
- A Yahoo! Answers Singapore question.

"Dark, twisted, pointed..."
- Other Blogs in My World News

"I resigned... because of the... Evil... Leaders... League."
- Former Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf

Fake Kazakh Anthem

2008-06-14T21:39:00.004-04:00

Borat has ruined people's perception of Kazakhstan. Long live Nazarbayev!

My Kazakhstan (English translation of the fake anthem)
(For the real anthem, please click here)

Sky of golden sun,
Steppe of golden seed,
Legend of courage -
Take a look at my country.

From the antiquity
Our heroic glory emerged,
They did not give up their pride
My Kazakh people are strong!

My country, my country,
As your flower I will be planted,
As your song I will stream, my country!
My native land — My Kazakhstan!

The way was opened to the posterity
I have a vast land.
Its unity is proper,
I have an independent country.

It welcomed the time
Like an eternal friend,
Our country is happy,
Such is our country.

My country, my country,
As your flower I will be planted,
As your song I will stream, my country!
My native land — My Kazakhstan!

Kazakh National Anthem

2008-06-14T06:49:00.004-04:00

Kazakhstan greatest country in the world.
All other countries are run by little girls.
Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium.
Other countries have inferior potassium.

Kazakhstan home of Tinshein swimming pool.
It’s length thirty meter and width six meter.
Filtration system a marvel to behold.
It remove 80 percent of human solid waste.

Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place.
From Plains of Tarashek to Northern fence of Jewtown.
Kazakhstan friend of all except Uzbekistan.
They very nosey people with bone in their brain.

Kazakhstan industry best in world.
We invented toffee and trouser belt.
Kazakhstan’s prostitutes cleanest in the region.
Except of course for Turkmenistan’s.

Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place.
From Plains of Tarashek to Northern fence of Jewtown.

Come grasp the mighty penis of our leader.
From junction with the testes to tip of its face!

Felipe Calderon

2008-05-24T14:23:00.011-04:00

Felipe Calderon has been the president of Mexico since 2006. He entered the ELL in Season 4 and appeared prone to dominate the competition thanks to a plan that called for illegal immigrants to invade the United States and take it over. John Gibson tried to warn us, but white people didn't have enough babies in time. Now, we're all forced to speak Spanish, eat tacos, and clean up Chihuahuas' poop.

Except, well, a few undocumented Mexicans in the U.S. doesn't really offset the control American corporations have in Mexico. Plus, the United States could probably use some more hard working people anyway, regardless of how thin their mustaches are.

Overall record: 0-7
Season 4: 0-7

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 4: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Felipe Calderon was relegated after Season 4.

Fun Fact: Felipe Calderon actually hates tacos.

Nursultan Nazarbayev

2008-05-20T14:39:00.016-04:00

Nursultan Nazarbayev has been the president of Kazakhstan since 1991. He joined the ELL in Season 4. Nazarbayev views democracy and the movie Borat as the two gravest threats to his country. He doesn't mind the anti-Semitism, racism, misogyny, or homophobia that Borat displays or exposes, it's just that he would not be caught dead with such a gaudy mustache.

Overall record: 4-10
Season 4: 3-4
Season 5: 1-6

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 4 ---
Season 5: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Nazarbayev was relegated after Season 5.

Fun fact: Nazarbayev wants there to be a global currency. He suggested the currency could be the small intestines of democracy advocates, which, coincidentally, is already Kazakhstan's currency.

A Rooting Interest

2008-05-18T18:52:00.004-04:00

Without the fans, these evil leaders could never reach the level of evil success that they have achieved.

Than Shwe

2008-05-18T13:59:00.021-04:00

Since 1992, Than Shwe has been the head of the ruling military junta in Myanmar, which used to be Burma, and now is desolate. He came to the ELL in Season 4 and has flexed his evil muscle by beating Buddhist monks. The torture the monks receive is very brutal. Their robes are pulled over their heads and then they are pink bellied until they agreed to accept Than Shwe and his autocratic rule.

After a devastating cyclone in the summer of 2008, Shwe did not allow foreign aid agencies to help his people because he enjoys watching humans suffer. It's his second favorite hobby, right behind playing canasta.

Overall record: 19-9
Season 4: 7-0
Season 5: 4-3
Season 6: 4-3
Season 7: 4-3

Playoff record: 5-2
Season 4: 1-1
Season 5: 0-1
Season 6: 2-0
Season 7: 2-0
Overall record against each opponent

Than Shwe won the ELL championship in Seasons 6 & 7.

Fun fact: The Dalai Lama said that Shwe reminds him of a "goat's sphincter." The feeling is more than mutual.

R.I.P.

2008-05-06T15:04:00.001-04:00

A tribute to the great fallen evil leaders. Please hold your applause until the end.

Ahmadinejad After His ELL Finals Loss

2008-05-02T18:18:00.000-04:00

Season 3 Review

2008-04-22T15:44:00.003-04:00

This was a pretty great season for the Evil Leaders League and its competitors. It wasn't as great for the people who live in their countries, but we all can't be winners. If there weren't oppressed and persecuted people, we wouldn't have evil leaders. And then we wouldn't have the Evil Leaders League. Now that would be a tragedy.

The Champion - Kim Jong-Il 4-3 (2-0) [all-time: 13-8 (3-2)]
North Korea's little leader has nuclear weapons and touts them in a politically shrewd manner. Whenever, he feels a budget crunch, he start to spout threats and in turn receives aid after flippantly promising to disarm. This tactic extends his legitimacy within his country a little while longer. But that's not why he won the ELL championship this season. It's not because the dissent in his country is nil. It's not because he runs one of the most isolated nations in the world. His people are perpetually kept down; they've been abandoned and most are left to starve and many are forced into labor camps. But that's not really why he won either. The reason is: big sunglasses give me the creeps.

Check out the best out-of-context lines from this season in the Highlights section.

The Challengers
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 5-2 (1-1) [13-8 (1-1)] - Threatening others with nuclear weapons that you don't possess gets you second place.
Omar al-Bashir 5-2 (0-1) [16-5 (4-1)] - Genocide only got him third place this season. Mass murder runs thin after a while.
Pervez Musharraf 5-2 (0-1) - A newcomer to the league, he detained opponents with great frequency. But the U.S. is an ally, so we were alright.
Hugo Chavez 4-3 [13-8 (1-2) - Barely missed the playoffs this time, Maybe he should've actually started a war with U.S.-ally Colombia, instead of just talking about one.

The Relegated
Robert Mugabe 2-5 [5-9] - He beat his opponents and ruined his country, but it wasn't enough to stay in the league. He lost because his time in power might be coming to an end thanks to an election that is still hanging in the balance as of this moment.
Vladimir Putin 2-5 [8-6 (0-1)] - His right hand man will become the new president of Russia next month. He hasn't been appointed Prime Minister yet and can't run for president again until 2012, so he was relegated.
Hu Jintao 1-6 - With the Beijing Olympics on the horizon, Hu has become more evil. But only in perception, not in practice. And even the perception of his evilness didn't arise until after it was too late for Hu.

Some Facts and Figures:
Uses of the word during the third ELL season - some variation of the word "fuck" 5 times; some variation of "ass" 3 times; some variation of "shit" 4 times; "evil" 40 times; "constitution" 4 times; "penis" twice; "low self-esteem" once.
5 people will return for next season.
4 mentions of persecuting the gays.
2 separate chess references.
2 separate mentions of eating balls.
1 reference to Schindler's List, Hobby Lobby, and the Golden Girls.

Join us next season for more Evil Leaders League action.

Season 3, ELL Finals Game 3

2008-04-15T00:05:00.000-04:00

For the first time in Evil Leaders League history, the Finals have moved to a deciding third game. This one will determine the evil champion for Season 3. Let's see who won it all.

Ahmadinejad vs Kim
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made two gaffes this week. The first gaffe was his customary boasting that Iran is a powerful country with nuclear weapons. He states, to anyone who will listen, that his country has nuclear weapons. Mahmoud, you say it too much, it's just not believable. It's like the high school boy who claims that he has sex all the time. That kid is obviously a virgin and suffers from low self-esteem. His second gaffe comes in the form of a statement. He claimed that people from Semnan province are "bitter, which causes them to cling to guns or religion or to antipathy towards Israel or anti-American sentiment." Ahmadinejad added, "And thank Allah that they do. It's the only reason I'm in power. And I'm glad they buy the whole nuclear weapons bullshit. That should distract people from the fact that I screwed up the economy."

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il is a dictator, a strong man, a cult-personality leader, a manipulator, and an incredibly callous man. All of these attributes help to explain Kim's success in the ELL. His recent foray into evilness includes taking control of the local markets that litter North Korea's landscape. All politics are local, even for authoritarians. Kim Jong-Il does not have to succumb to any sense of accountability. His country is at the mercy of his discretion. Other nations take his threats of nuclear annihilation seriously and they provide him with aid, so that he can hold off a revolt from his starving constituency just a bit longer. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad isn't anywhere near as evil as Kim. Ahmadinejad doesn't even deserve to buy Kim's evil hair gel.
winner: Kim
series: Kim 2-1

Congratulations to Kim Jong-Il for winning his first Evil Leaders League championship! The season in review extravaganza is still to come.

Season 3, ELL Finals Game 2

2008-04-11T00:55:00.000-04:00

Will Mahmoud Ahmadinejad take home his first ELL championship or will Kim Jong-Il force the series to go to a deciding third contest? Let's find out.

Kim vs Ahmadinejad
North Korea's top dog (awful pun, not befitting the ELL Finals, I apologize) is Kim Jong-Il. With conservatives now in power in South Korea, Kim Jong-Il has suddenly morphed from Bruce Banner back into The Hulk. He has nuclear weapons and an itchy button-pushing finger muthafucker! Thank the lord Kim spends most of his time searching on eBay for old Golden Girls memorabilia. He's already bought Blanche's nighty and Sophia's glasses.

Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad uses UN resolutions to clean up his "Shahnameh!" after watching Schindler's List (emaciated naked Jewish ladies turn him on). He has said that Israel is a weak and collapsing nation. He also thinks the San Antonio Spurs have no chance in the NBA playoffs and Manchester United's roster is filled with a bunch of scrubs. He also claims that Iran is a powerful nation with nuclear weapons, the Tampa Bay Rays will win the World Series, and Mike Huckabee will be the next president of the United States. I asked General Petraeus to help with the scoring of this matchup and he wants the series to go on a little longer for no discernible reason. So...
winner: Kim
series: Tied 1-1

Season 3, ELL Finals Game 1

2008-04-08T02:48:00.001-04:00

We've reached the ELL Finals. It will be a best of 3 series (first one to 2 wins), with a short turn-around in between contests. Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad- making his first ELL Finals in his second playoff appearance- defeated North Korea's Kim Jong-Il- who is in his second championship series is his third playoff showing- in the regular season.

Ahmadinejad vs Kim
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently visited the Natanz nuclear site on the National Day of Nuclear Technology. In reality, the "Natanz nuclear site" is actually a strip mall containing a Winn Dixie and a Hobby Lobby. In Iran, the "National Day of Nuclear Technology" is a holiday only slightly less important than Passover. So that visit is about as threatening as a Ryan Seacrest left hook. But Ahmadinejad has called for OPEC to stop trading in U.S. dollars. If that call is answered, we may actually have World War III. Saddam Hussein messed with the United States' oil money and his evil stock nearly reached a Hitler-like level. The dreams of an evil championship for the relatively powerless president of Iran could be enhanced immensely if his demand is taken seriously.

Tensions are mounting on the Korean peninsula. Kim Jong-Il has visited military facilities, asked his southern neighbor to honor the peace summit of 2000, and has reached a nuclear impasse with the United States. Kim hasn't disarmed his nuclear program in the timely fashion that the U.S. requested. It's ironic because Kim dis-arms his critics with great frequency. Then he beats them with their own dismembered limbs. It's not an effective torture method because these people are usually so emaciated that their arms aren't much of a weapon. Torture and actually possessing nuclear weapons is plenty evil, but doesn't compare to questioning America's oil profits.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Season 3, Semis 2nd Leg

2008-03-31T23:54:00.001-04:00

The Evil Leaders League playoffs is heating up and is more exciting than March Madness. At least we don't have all one seeds in the Final Four. Let's see who made the finals.

Ahmadinejad vs Musharraf
Recently, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claimed that his trip to Baghdad was more harrowing than was his actual experience. Ahmadinejad said, "We landed under sniper fire and had to run with our heads down." He was sure that the planned greeting ceremony for his historic arrival in Iraq did not materialize under those conditions. Unfortunately for Ahmadinejad, video tape of the visit surfaced. It clearly showed that Ahmadinejad was welcomed with open arms by the Iraqis. The President of Pakistan, Pervez Musharraf, has had an evil season, defying the constitution at every opportunity. But his party lost parliamentary elections. His opponents were recently sworn in causing Musharraf to do a bit of swearing himself. My dear sweet mother has always said that swearing is evil. In fact she says, "Don't you ever say another fucking bad word again, you asshole."
2nd leg winner: Musharraf by 6
winner overall: Ahmadinejad by 39

al-Bashir vs Kim
Sundanese head honcho, Omar al-Bashir has initiated a new advertising campaign to stimulate tourism in the genocide-filled region of Darfur. With a pleasant smile, al-Bashir states in the ad, "Come to Darfur. There are many activities to engage in the region. There's plenty of space due to our low population density. Darfuris are known for their hospitality; you can stay in their house and they'll clear out for your comfort. So bring your family and come to Darfur! There's a chance you won't be raped and killed."

North Korea's ferocious leader is named Kim Jong-Il. Coincidently his favorite dish is fried eel. He has become increasingly defiant in the face of the United States and has stepped up threats against South Korea. North Korea taunted its southern neighbors saying that it would fire bombs reducing the nation to ashes. Hey South Korean president Lee Myung Bak, how has your harsh stance against North Korea been going lately? It reminds me of the time I smacked a bee hive with a baseball bat. Who knew a bee could get its stinger in my penis hole? Impressive.
2nd leg winner: Kim by 7
overall winner: Kim by 3

Season 3, Semis 1st Leg

2008-03-24T20:48:00.003-04:00

The Evil Leaders League has rolled into the playoffs, but not before we take care of some business at hand. Business such as: who are the participants? Hugo Chavez and Kim Jong-Il tied for 4th place with 4-3 records. The winner goes into the playoffs to face two time defending champion Omar al-Bashir, while the loser will have to wait until next season.

Chavez vs Kim
Venezuela's Hugo Chavez has done well in this league by spouting his anti-American rhetoric and attempting to consolidate his power. But he still leads a democratic country. There have been critics of his policies and in some cases, Chavez has had to change his plans. Meanwhile, in North Korea Kim Jong-Il is the ultimate authority. Not even the military can stop him. And they have guns! If someone criticizes Kim's regime, the critic- in an ironic twist of fate- is fed to the dogs. The dogs appreciate the role reversal.
winner: Kim

Now on to the playoffs. The semifinals will consist of two legs, best aggregate score wins. Enjoy.

Musharraf vs Ahmadinejad
Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf has ties to the Taliban like Russian hookers have ties to Bob Balaban (the latter is unsubstantiated). Musharraf oversees a new opposition-led parliament. The new prime minister Yousuf Raza Gillani (Rudy Giuliani's more-successful long lost cousin) has reinstated judges that Musharraf suspended because they charged him with violating the constitution. Wait a second. A president who has provided aid to the Taliban, has dissention with the legislative branch, and has violated the constitution... that can't be evil, that sounds like America! Well done, Musharraf.

Republican presidential hopeful John McCain backs Musharraf, but he doesn't much like Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. McCain has accused Iran of training al Qaeda. Iran is mainly Shi'a while al Qaeda is Sunni. While those divisions do not innately mean conflict, that is the current reality. McCain was quickly reminded by supporters Lindsay Graham and Joe Lieberman that Iran hasn't trained al Qaeda. However, Pakistan has. Yet Musharraf comes out looking like Barney Fife while Ahmadinejad is the reincarnation of Hitler.
winner: Ahmadinejad by 45

Kim vs al-Bashir
North Korea's Kim Jong-Il may have used up all of his evilness getting to the playoffs. Don't underestimate evil fatigue. Kim has had to cancel his country's annual Spring festival because of a lack of cash. Being broke isn't evil, but sometimes it leads to evil acts, so we'll have to stay tuned. Omar al-Bashir leads Sudan. The Beijing Olympics are under seize by liberals over the issue of genocide in Darfur. Huh? Filling in the blank, China has strong economic ties with Sudan. One wonders if the U.S. is pissed about China's relationship with Sudan because the Chinese usurped America's imperialist hopes. This whole talk marginalizes the role of Omar al-Bashir and makes him look like a pawn. Pawns are not evil, but those damn rooks are. Fuck you Gary Kasparov and your chess prowess. Anyway...
winner: al-Bashir by 4

Season 3, Week 7

2008-03-18T00:28:00.002-04:00

We are looking into the possibility of the NCAA tournament committee screwing Butler with a 7 seed as a human rights violation. You can read more about that here. This is the last week of the ELL's third season. The top 4 evil-doers make the evil playoffs, while the bottom three will be relegated. Let's check the results.

Mugabe vs Musharraf
Zimbabwe's President Robert Mugabe has been in power for a few decades. He began as a virulent voice for pan-Africanism. He has degenerated into a pillar of vitriol incompetent authoritarianism. That is the stuff of evil legend. But his time in the evil spotlight seems to be short. He is very old and his challengers are consistently gaining clout. His record in the ELL this season might not be good enough to return next time and all of that could end his run here. Mugabe is trying to make it work one last time by stuffing dead and non-existent people onto the voter roles before the upcoming election. It's an old trick that has been found out. Pakistani president, Pervez Musharraf, is in a bit of trouble. His parliament hates him and his powers are disappearing faster than an arctic iceberg. But his powerful position probably won't be seriously challenged for a little while.
winner: Musharraf

Kim vs al-Bashir
This would be a much needed victory for North Korea's Kim Jong-Il against an old and capable foe. Kim fears a potential coup from a general, so he stripped the military of its power. Bravo, Kim. Very evil. That's reminiscent of when Mao allowed 30 million people in rural China to die of starvation because their mere presence was counter-revolutionary. Ok, that's a bit of hyperbole fueled by present-day bias, but Kim is still pretty evil. Omar al-Bashir runs Sudan. He oversees a humanitarian crisis in the region of Darfur. A recent peace agreement meeting had to be delayed because al-Bashir had a headache. There are times when reality is far more bizarre, intriguing, ridiculous, and absurd than anything we could imagine. I only wish I was sardonic enough to have invented the fact that al-Bashir didn't attend a meeting to try and stop a genocide because he had a headache. However, while al-Bashir's actions are dickish, they're way too wimpy to be evil.
winner: Kim

Putin vs Chavez
Vladimir Putin is the president of Russia for the time being. He has softened on an American plan to build a missile defense system in eastern Europe, which Russia feels is threatening to their security. What is Putin doing? Diplomacy with the United States? Well buddy, you've just lost your spot in the ELL. See you in 2012 when you run for president again or maybe sooner if Dmitry Medvedev appoints you to be prime minister. Venezuela's Hugo Chavez is having problems creating his anti-U.S. Latin American alliance. But he's still evil. He called George W. Bush a terrorist and responsible for genocide. Exactly which group has Bush tried to extinguish? He didn't say. The accusation doesn't make sense. I thought maybe he was accusing Bush of genocide against terrorists. But Bush hasn't been effective on that front. His war in Iraq has created more terrorists. Plus (according to Chavez), Bush himself has become a terrorist. But evil leaders don't have to make sense.
winner: Chavez

Hu vs Ahmadinejad
Hu Jintao of China has an implicit role in the Darfuri genocide. He is squashing out protesters in Tibet. He leads a one-party government. He runs a country that could soon conquer the world. But no one cares. Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad probably said something crazy and threatening to a country that would destroy Iran if it decided to blink.
winner: Ahmadinejad

standings:
Mushar 5-2
al-Bash 5-2
Ahmad 5-2
Kim J-I 4-3
Chavez 4-3
Mugabe 2-5
Putin 2-5
Hu Jin 1-6

Season 3, Week 6

2008-03-03T00:46:00.003-05:00

Let's check out the results from week 6 of the ELL.

Hu vs al-Bashir
China's leader, Hu Jintao, will look at new faces among his inner circle in the near future. He's promoting new leaders to further consolidate his power. He decided to make that change after receiving a fortune cookie saying, "You will replace some government officials in an effort to consolidate power" in bed. Omar al-Bashir is the leader of Sudan. The situation in Darfur has gotten worse recently. The murderous janjaweed militia has returned to the area along side of government bombs. The scorched earth tactics have returned. And if you think the name sounds bad, just be thankful you're not involved. In addition, the same strategy that the government implemented in Darfur is surfacing in southern Sudan, which could likely lead to war. A multi-decade civil war between the north and south recently ended. In other news, Steven Spielberg is set to direct a new movie called Evil And Eviler, starring these two.
winner: al-Bashir

Mugabe vs Putin
Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe has lost the support of his ruling Zanu-PF party. They support his challenger Simba Makoni, claiming that Simba showed tremendous courage after his father Mufasa fell off of cliff and into a stampede. Zanu-PF is hoping that Simba will be able to lead their pride and once again restore Zimbabwe to prominence. However, until Mugabe shoots Makoni in the face while quail hunting, this doesn't look good for the current leader. In Russia, Vladimir Putin's intended successor won the presidential election. What's his name Hillary Clinton? "Med-med-medvedevuh-or-something," or so Clinton stated in the last Democratic debate. Then Clinton-stooge Paul Begala raved about how she even knew the name of Putin's favored successor. Well, we at the ELL not only know Mr. Dmitry Medvedev's name, but we've mocked him for weeks- where's our praise from Begala? The bottom line is that Putin is hoping for a Democrat in the White House, because that would help his evil stock tremendously. Both Clinton and Obama ripped him a new anus at the debate.
winner: Putin

Ahmadinejad vs Kim
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad visited Iraq last week. His visit gives the Iraqi administration a bit more legitimacy. After the fall of Saddam Hussein's regime, Iran was one of the first nations to officially recognize the new Iraqi government. All of this infuriates the United States, who feels that Iran's influence in Iraq is bad. But Iraqis want Iranian influence in their country about as much as they want America's or al Qaeda's. So actually, Ahmadinejad and George Bush are like long lost brothers, who keep bumping heads. It appears America and Iran aren't that different after all. Well, except the most powerful weapon in the Iranian arsenal consists of a mixture of baking soda and seltzer water. Oh, and clumps of dirt. North Korea's Kim Jong-Il went to the Chinese embassy in Pyongyang to wish them well with the Olympics. Then he bought a couple of Eric Clapton MP3s for his I-pod in anticipation of Clapton's proposed concert visit. Man, Kim is in an evil slump.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Chavez vs Musharraf
Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez had hoped to unify Latin America in opposition to the United States' imperialism. Well, much like a bad date, his dreams of success have been shattered with a slap in the face. He's moved tanks to the Colombian border. Chavez believes that the Colombian government is involved in a U.S. plot to assassinate him. He won't allow Colombia to go after rebel leaders hiding in Venezuela (they've killed a rebel leader in Ecuador recently). So on the one hand, Chavez is pretty evil. But on the other he's just a failure. This matchup will depend on Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf. Musharraf hasn't had the best year. But he has pissed on the country's constitution a few times, which propelled him into the ELL for season 3. Opposition leader Nawaz Sharif refuses to compromise with Musharraf, but the other opposition party, the PPP, says they can work with him. Right now Musharraf hopes a Republican wins in the U.S. presidential election for the sake of his political career, but hopes a Democrat wins for the sake of his ELL record. It’s a very conflicting time for him. Plus, he just found out his son is gay. Come on Pervez, tell him it's ok, kiss him on the forehead, and detain a few opponents to make yourself feel better.
winner: Musharraf

standings:
al-Bash 5-1
Mushar 4-2
Ahmad 4-2
Kim J-I 3-3
Chavez 3-3
Mugabe 2-4
Putin 2-4
Hu Jin 1-5

Season 3, Week 5

2008-02-25T00:57:00.000-05:00

Here are the results for week 5.

Putin vs Ahmadinejad
Vladimir Putin, the president of Russia, aced the analogy portion of the SAT. Fidel Castro is to Raul Castro as Vladimir Putin is to what?
A. Roger Clemens' bacne (back acne)
B. Joseph Stalin
C. Dmitry Medvedev
D. Britney Spears' vagina
If you don't know the answer, just ask Putin. Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, goes by the nickname of Tehran-i-saurus Rex. He's got a lot going on. He'll make a visit to Iraq pretty soon. I hear Baghdad is just beautiful in spring time. There's a "fireworks show" every night! Also, Iran has tied up almost all of the outstanding questions that the IAEA had about Iran's alleged nuclear program. However, Iran still hasn't satisfactorily explained their apparent quest for knowledge on how to make an atomic bomb. I'm sure Western powers will be up-in-arms over this, but keep in mind Iran's quest for nuclear weapons involves Ahmadinejad googling "how to make atomic bomb" on a particularly mundane Saturday night. Still, that's terrifying.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Mugabe vs Kim
Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe celebrated his 84th birthday party last Saturday. Reportedly, Mugabe was "upbeat" at his party. It's good to hear that the extreme poverty ravaging his nation over the last two years doesn't seem to affect him. I'm glad a man of his age isn't worrying about inflation that has reached 100,000% (I wish that number was comically high). Mugabe celebrated with flowers galore and pretty girls at his pool party. Mugabe threw punches in the air claiming to knockout anyone who would dare criticize him. Reportedly, Jerry Quarry started bleeding. Kim Jong-Il, leader of North Korea, had a birthday earlier in the month. He turned flobidy flubidy, which is a number that he made up. It would have made more sense for the winner of the birthday poll to win this match, but I didn't plan it out well enough. The only news from Kim is that he might meet the New York Philharmonic, which is only evil if he forced me to go to their concert with him.
winner: Mugabe

Musharraf vs al-Bashir
Pervez Musharraf is the president of Pakistan, for now. United States senators want Musharraf to leave gracefully. Evidently, they don't know Musharraf all that well. The former Pakistani army general has never lost in chess, because whenever he's about to lose, he knocks all the pieces off the board and says, "Do over." Musharraf is smarting politically after his political party was beaten in recent parliamentary elections worse than Zab Judah by Kosta Tszyu. Things aren't going so well. Do I smell another crackdown on critics? We'll see. Sudan's leader, Omar al-Bashir, not to be confused with the Omar that hosted of Nickelodeon’s Wild and Crazy Kids, is down on Denmark, but big on China. A Denmark paper has republished those offensive Muhammad (pbuh) cartoons causing al-Bashir to boycott everything Danish, including his morning pastry. He likes China because of their position on Darfur, which amounts to "Darfur? Never heard of it."
winner: al-Bashir

Chavez vs Hu
In Venezuela, they know the value of a buck. Their president, Hugo Chavez says that $100 for a barrel of oil is a fair price. He'll sell you a shirt for $50. No? Ok, $45. $5, no way! Ok, $35. And so on. Venezuela has also decided to nationalize more land. I wonder if we can nationalize Cindy McCain. Chinese leader Hu Jintao is going to Japan on a diplomatic mission. Hey, I thought the Chinese hate the Japanese. What is with all of this reasonable discussion? Very disappointing. Hopefully Hu will go back to killing gay people or he won't do well in the ELL.
winner: Chavez

standings:
al-Bash 4-1
Mushar 3-2
Kim J-I 3-2
Ahmad 3-2
Chavez 3-2
Mugabe 2-3
Putin 1-4
Hu Jin 1-4

Season 3, Week 4

2008-02-18T00:40:00.002-05:00

In what is becoming an annual event, The ELL gets a little help from Parade magazine's list of "The World's 10 Worst Dictators" for Week 4, because everyone knows that the worst dictators make the best evil leaders. Let's see the results of this week:

al-Bashir vs Chavez
The rematch of last season's title series comes at an inopportune time for Hugo Chavez of Venezuela. Sudan's President Omar al-Bashir, who I am convinced looks like Sports Writer Michael Wilbon's long-lost father, was rated #2 by Parade Magazine, down 1 from last year. Mr. Bashir didn't exactly lessen his evilness, so no word on why exactly he went down in the rankings. I guess genocide just doesn't hold the same weight that it used to. Hugo Chavez didn't make the list once again. Technically, Venezuela is still a democracy, which apparently disqualifies someone from being a dictator. Saggy man boobs disqualifies someone from being a valuable member of society. Sorry Hugo, you're 0 for 2.
winner: al-Bashir

Hu vs Mugabe
Hu Jintao runs a little country that you may have heard of. It's called China. Hu was ranked as the 5th worst dictator. Does that mean he's bad at being a dictator or good at it? It's not clear. Anyway, some of the reasons for Hu's high ranking include forced abortions, control of all media, and harsh limits on the practice of religion. Having been in China, I was never forced to have an abortion, it was easy to get around internet controls, and I visited several Buddhist temples and prayed in them! Not saying those things don't happen, just not to me. Also, Parade Magazine says that 99% of all trials end in guilty verdicts. They attribute a lack of criminal justice as the reason. I say, why can't it be a shockingly accurate police force?!

Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe was rated 7th last year. If he can beat Hu's 5th, he'll grab a much needed evil win. 8000% inflation helps his cause. Mugabe is running for another term as president and has run a very optimistic campaign. In terms of employment, Mugabe sees the glass as 20% full instead of 80% empty. As far as people staying in Zimbabwe, he sees the glass as 75% full, instead of 25% gone away. Beating up opposition leaders, you'd think would help his cause (he doesn't actually beat them up, he has other people do that, he's 83 years old). Mugabe only got a #6 ranking.
winner: Hu

Putin vs Kim
Russia's leader Vladimir Putin, at least for now, didn't make the list, again because of that pesky thing called democracy. Putin is a strong man and it will be interesting to see how much power he gives up when his term runs out. Kim Jong -Il of North Korea jumped up to the #1 spot on Parade's rankings. Allegedly the detainment of 200,000 people in labor camps played a part. Somewhere in Hell, Hitler is laughing at Kim's pathetic attempt at evil. Lucky for Kim, Hitler is dead (let me tell you, Kim's not the only one who's lucky at that) and not in the league. But the round-bellied, platform shoe-wearing, dictator is looking good thus far this season.
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs Musharraf
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, did not make Parade's list. If you are a moron or a neo-conservative (sorry for the redundancy), that might be a huge shock to you. Well, Ayatollah Khamenei is the top authority in the Persian wonderland. Even then, Khamenei only made 7th on the list. He's way down because Iran doesn't have their precious nuclear program that they were always bragging about. We've all known a guy like that in high school. You kind of pity them. Pervez Musharraf, the president of Pakistan, made the list in 8th place. He jumped all the way up from 15th last year. He's also finally made the ELL. In the words of Frank Sinatra, "It's been a very good year." Unless you oppose Musharraf, like Benazir Bhutto for example.
winner: Musharraf

standings:
Mushar 3-1
al-Bash 3-1
Kim J-I 3-1
Ahmad 2-2
Chavez 2-2
Mugabe 1-3
Putin 1-3
Hu Jin 1-3

Season 3, Week 3

2008-02-12T11:57:00.003-05:00

Barack Obama swept the Potomac primary tonight. The Evil Leaders League has been much more competitive thus far in Season 3. Terry Lierman, a Maryland Democrat came up with the idea of Maryland, DC, and Virginia voting on the same day to give the region more clout in the nominating process. If an evil leader could come up with a way to consolidate his power, he'd win it all. Let's see if it happened. Here are the results from the week in the ELL:

Musharraf vs Kim
Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf faces pertinent parliamentary elections next week. This week, the new army chief attempted to further detangle the military and the civilian aspects of the government, reversing Musharraf's earlier decrees. This has pleased Musharraf's critics. This has also hurt Musharraf in Week 3 of the ELL. If Musharraf is half as evil as he thinks he is, there would be some dead motherfuckers right now. The Pakistani ambassador to Afghanistan was also kidnapped earlier in the week. Upon hearing the news, Musharraf dropped his I-phone in the toilet. None of this is very good for Musharraf.

North Korean demagogue, Kim Jong-Il has a birthday upcoming. I'm buying him some Preparation H. A wise man once told me to buy the person you love a gift that he or she needs, but doesn't know he or she needs. Kim is expected to have food carved into all sorts of fun animals and kids characters. There will be a giant giraffe made out of kim chi and a huge Mr. Potato Head made out of, you guessed it, eggplant. Then all of the massive amounts of uneaten creatively carved food will be thrown out. The starving North Korean people wouldn't know what to do with it, why waste it on them?
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs al-Bashir
I don't want to admit it, but I'm growing kind of fond of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. We know he doesn't have a nuclear weapons program. Yet, he boisterously declared that Iran will never slow down their nuclear program to chants of "Death to America" at the 29th anniversary of the Iranian Revolution. In other news, Stevie Wonder echoing the hopefully words of Dr. Martin Luther King, said, "Only when it is dark enough can you see the stars." Then someone reminded Mr. Wonder that he can't see. Not darkness, not stars, nothing. Omar al-Bashir has overseen the genocide taking place in his country of Sudan for some time now. Darfuri refugees leaving the blood-soaked region have streamed into Chad. Chad recently decided that that was enough. It's like I've always said, never trust anything named Chad. That goes for you to, Chad Masterwell of Ms. Henderson's 2nd grade class, who spilled some of his apple juice on my backpack. You stupid son of a shit.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Chavez vs Mugabe
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela thought he was a big man. Turns out, he might not be. Chavez threatened to cease shipments of oil to the U.S. The U.S. didn't give two shits about it. Why don't you shove that oil up your ass and see how far that gets you (depends how far away the closest hospital is located). He tried to be the big peacemakers in the Colombian hostage situation, now he's threatening possible military action because they hurt Chavez's feelings by not recognizing how wonderful he is. Zimbabwe has a man running their country, who is no spring chicken, Robert Mugabe. Former finance minister Simba Makoni hoped to challenge Mugabe for the presidency. They told him to hit the road jack and don't come back. Then they made fun of his name. Simba got pretty animated over the whole ordeal (Hahahahahaha! Lion King jokes!). Then Mugabe's main challenger, Morgan Tsvangirai, was robbed at gun point. Coincidence? Not if Mugabe wants to do well in the ELL.
winner: Mugabe

Hu vs Putin
Hu Jintao runs China. Steven Spielberg quit his position as an Olympic adviser because of China's role in genocide-riddled Sudan. That'll show 'em, Steven! It reminds me of when Charlie Chaplin stopped the Holocaust. Oh wait, that never happened. Hu called Spielberg a dirty Jew and remarked that "ET wasn't even that good." Hu bought the bootlegged DVD of it for about 5 yuan. Russia's top guy is Vladimir Putin. Putin is pissed because Ukraine said it will host a U.S. military defense shield. Putin has threatened to point his missiles at Ukraine if they comply with U.S. wishes. Putin is a bigger douchebag that Officer R.L. Hancock of Virginia, who is a really big douchebag, trust me.
winner: Putin

standings:
Ahmad 2-1
Mushar 2-1
Chavez 2-1
al-Bash 2-1
Kim J-I 2-1
Mugabe 1-2
Putin 1-2
Hu Jin 0-3

Season 3, Week 2

2008-01-28T00:05:00.002-05:00

Here are the results from the week in the ELL:

Chavez vs Kim
Hugo Chavez, the top hombe in Venezuela, has called for a military alliance among countries in the Western Hemisphere against the United States. You cheeky bastard! That's just not right. What did we ever do to you? ... Oh, right. Kim Jong-Il of North Korea is in a fantasy bocce ball league with other leaders of the world. The commissioner of the fantasy league is Syrian foreign minister Walid Moallem. Moallem writes a week in review to inform the participants about the league's happenings. Well, Moallem made a raunchy joke about the death of Indonesia's former dictator Suharto. Kim was great friends with Suharto and flipped out over the joke. He left Moallem an angry, cuss-filled, threatening, and homophobic message on his cell phone. He also texted a nonsensical slew of slurs. The league overwhelming felt that Kim had crossed the line and probably needs psychological help.
winner: Chavez

al-Bashir vs Putin
Sudan has a leader named Omar al-Bashir. Mr. al-Bashir traveled to Tripoli in order to try and quell border tensions between Sudan and Chad. The meeting was a total failure as al-Bashir called Chadien president Idriss Deby "a pussy." He continued, "Idriss Deby is a loser and his country's name is stupid. Remember in the 2000 U.S. election they had a dispute about hanging chad. I thought it was a good idea. I can keep going. Idriss Deby has two girl names. He eats raw goat balls."

Vladimir Putin is the current president of Russia. With the Russian election on the horizon, Putin has barred his intended successor's rival, Mikhail Kasyanov, from running for president. Kasyanov has dreamed of leading Russia since he was a boy. Those dreams are dashed now. His wish to receive a blowjob from a young intern while he sits at his desk has been dismantled and cruelly put to death by Putin. It's better than what Putin usually does, put his rivals to death, not just their dreams of fellatio. But Putin has a long way to go to catch up to al-Bashir.
winner: al-Bashir

Hu vs Musharraf
Hu Jintao is the head chef at the restaurant known as China. He has been visiting other restaurants to forge ties, presumably to eradicate the world of hot dogs and hamburgers. In the words of John Stewart's 90-year old grandfather, "The Chinese are a sneaky people." Pervez Musharraf of Pakistan doesn't have a friend in the world. He has shot down a U.S. proposal to expand the war on terror in Pakistan. Al Qaeda hates him. The U.S. is pissed at him. The moderates in Pakistan think he's a schmuck. There is only one person less liked in the world than Musharraf. Me.
winner: Musharraf

Ahmadinejad vs Mugabe
Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a lot like Bigfoot. His power lies in the irrational fear he creates. Except Ahmadinejad is quite short, so maybe we'll call him Littlefoot. He's headed to Iraq soon (at the request of the Iraqi government), which really pisses off the U.S. for some reason. Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has done enough evilness to force his opposition, the MDC, to consider boycotting the upcoming election. An opposition boycott to an election is the evil leader's version of an orgasm. And in the aftermath, there's a lot of shame and regret.
winner: Ahmadinejad

standings:
al-Bash 2-0
Chavez 2-0
Mushar 2-0
Kim J-I 1-1
Ahmad 1-1
Putin 0-2
Mugabe 0-2
Hu Jin 0-2

Season 3, Week 1

2008-01-21T00:58:00.000-05:00

This is the third season of the Evil Leaders League. The league will continue to consist of 8 evil leaders. Five participants are returning from last season, two are new, and one has climbed his way back up since being relegated in the first season. This is a round-robin league, much like the English Premier League soccer, not a tournament. There will be a playoffs at the end of the regular season. This season's Evil Leaders League (ELL) is dedicated to Benazir Bhutto.

Let's meet the competitors:
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Champion last season.
Hugo Chavez - president of Venezuela since 1999. Finished 2nd.
Vladimir Putin - running things in Russia since 1999. Finished 3rd.
Kim Jong-Il - the man in North Korea since 1994. Finished 4th
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - president of Iran since 2005. Finished 5th.
Robert Mugabe - president of Zimbabwe, ruling since 1980. Back.
Hu Jintao - leader of China since 2003. New.
Pervez Musharraf - president of Pakistan since 1999. New.

Week 1
Mugabe vs al-Bashir
The leader of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, was relegated after the first season. It was most unfortunate because he turned up the evil upon hearing the disappointing news. With Zimbabwe experiencing an incredible economic crisis, fueled by Weimar-like inflation, the pressure on Mugabe was mounting. But like any great evil leader, Mugabe put out the fire. Shit is still terrible in Zimbabwe, but there are fewer people complaining about it now. Jailings, killings, and limitations on free speech- that's why Mugabe is back. Sudanese ruler Omar al-Bashir is the two-time defending ELL champion. The reason? Genocide in Darfur. Besides massacring a group of people, the government-funded militias also partake in the act of raping women. During the offseason, al-Bashir wanted in on that action. But don't tell anyone. He also went to Turkey.
winner: al-Bashir

Putin vs Musharraf
Vladimir Putin is the president of Russia. His term will end probably towards the end of the ELL regular season. However, if his boy Dmitry Medvedev wins the presidential election, Putin said he wouldn't mind becoming prime minister. Can you believe that? Russia is such a backward country. Imagine a former two-term president came back to the White House in some capacity in the United States? It would never happen because we don't have a monarchy here in the good ole U.S. of A. I want to call Putin a monarch, but I don't know which spelling I like better, Czar or Tsar.

Pervez Musharraf is the president of Pakistan. He's had quite a year. After serving his country effectively, Musharraf sensed his time in charge was ending. Like an aging actor who won't go gentle into that good night, Musharraf did everything he could to hang on. You think he should relinquish his military uniform, goodbye. You question the credibility of the election, adios. You think his mustache is gay, welcome to the most anal-rapiest prison. The people of Pakistan have had enough. They want Musharraf gone. Musharraf is so despised, if Jackie Mason ran against him for the Presidency of Pakistan, the Jewish comedian would win. In December, his rival Benazir Bhutto was assassinated. Musharraf popped champagne. Now if only someone would off that pesky Nawaz Sharif, the ELL championship won't be far behind.
winner: Musharraf

Hu vs Kim
Hu Jintao is the leader of China. Many believe that he is sitting on a sleeping giant that could potentially dominate the world. It's his penis. Kim Jong-Il has been running North Korea since Tonya Harding was in the spotlight for her skating ability. It has been reported that someone called the diminutive ruler "Kimmy," and Kim Jong-Il bit the man's balls right off of his body. I will not say anything bad about the wonderful and all-powerful leader of North Korea.
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs Chavez
Two old favorites in the ELL. The Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made news by speaking at Columbia University in New York. He was granted a rather curt welcome and was chagrined for saying that there are no gays in Iran. For some reason that raised his evil prowess. I bet their aren't any gay people in 7 of these countries according to each country's ruler (Kim is an aficionado of the theater). Unfortunately for Ahmadinejad, it turns out all of his tough talk on nuclear weapons was as fake as his accent (Tehran my ass, I know Isfahan Farsi when I hear it!). The Venezuelan president is Hugo Chavez. He admitted that he chews coco leaves, from which cocaine is made. That's Chavez's way of saying, "Fuck you," to America's war on drugs. Everything this man does, every bone in his body, is anti-American.
winner: Chavez

standings:
al-Bash 1-0
Chavez 1-0
Kim J-I 1-0
Mushar 1-0
Putin 0-1
Ahmad 0-1
Hu Jin 0-1
Mugabe 0-1

Past Polls

2008-01-07T17:59:00.025-05:00

Season 7
Which is the best nickname among the playoff competitors?
1. Hamid "My Karzai Ran Over Your Dogzai" 57%
2. Kim "Dude Looks Like a Lady" Jong-Il 29%
3. "Greater" Than Shwe 14%
4. Omar "Genocidal Maniac" al-Bashir 0%
analysis: I don't know which is the best nickname, but I do know which is the worst for these guys... "President."

If given the chance, what would you throw in Silvio Berlusconi's face?
1. condoms 63%
2. statuette of Milan Cathedral 25%
3. dignity 13%
analysis: Always practice safe sex. Wrap it up!

Which evil leader would you prefer to be snowed in with?
1. al-Bashir (The genocidal one) 54%
2. Ahmadinejad (The cute one) 28%
3. Karzai (The one with the hat) 18%
4. Obiang (The cannibalistic one) 0%
5. Berlusconi (The horny one) 0%
analysis: Women like the bad boy.

Season 6
When Kim Jong-Il's son takes over North Korea, what level of dickness in relation to his father would you like to see him be?
1. less of a dick 78%
2. more of a dick 22%
3. same amount of a dick 0%
analysis: Who wants Kim's son to be more of a dick? A bunch of dicks!

Which evil leader is Bette Midler's song "Wind Beneath My Wings" really about?
1. Kim Jong-Il 45%
2. Robert Mugabe 36%
3. Saddam Hussein 10%
4. Fidel Castro 9%
5. Omar al-Bashir 0%
analysis: It was a trick question. "Wind Beneath My Wings" was actually written by Larry Henley and Jeff Silbar and was initially an ode to Margaret Thatcher.

Season 5
Which evil leader has the all time best looking mustache?
1. Hitler 36%
2. Lukashenko 27%
3. Mugabe 18%
4. S. Hussein 16%
5. Musharraf 13%
6. Pinochet 0%
analysis: People went with the more recognizable mustache, but in reality, nothing can compare to Lukashenko's thick lustrous Eastern European upper lip warmer.

Which current evil leader has the best looking mustache?
1. Mugabe 50%
2. al-Assad 40%
3. Bongo 10%
analysis: Apparently, sometimes less is more.

While blindfolded and trying to hit a piñata, which evil leader's testicles would you prefer to "accidentally" whack?
1. Shwe's sack 40%
2. al-Bashir's balls 30%
3. Chavez's gonads 20%
4. Kim's seed bags 10%
5. Nazarbayev's nuts 0%
analysis: The outcome? Hilarity.

Season 4
What should Pervez Musharraf do now?
1. Finish dying the rest of his hair 42%
2. Join the ELL front office! 28%
T3. Get back to work on his novel 15%
T3. Sit above Whoopi on the Hollywood Squares 15%
5. Run for President of Pakistan 0%
analysis: Really? No one wants him to become the President of Pakistan again? I don't understand.

Among the newbies, whose name is more fun to say?
1. Than Shwe 44%
2. Nursultan Nazarbayev 33%
3. Felipe Calderon 22%
analysis: They're all fun to say! Unless, of course, you live in their country.

If the 5 returning ELL competitors were campaigning to be the leader of your country: Which one would you vote for?
1. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 36%
2. Hugo Chavez 31%
3. Pervez Musharraf 18%
4. Omar al-Bashir 13%
5. Kim Jong-Il 0%
analysis: Who are these three people that voted for two-time ELL champion Omar al-Bashir to run their country?

Season 3
If you were the president of the U.S., which evil leader would you depose first with a secret CIA mission?
1. "Um, how about some diplomacy?" 50%
2. Chavez 25%
T3. al-Bashir 12.5%
T3. Mugabe 12.5%

Who's birthday party would you prefer to attend?
1. Kim Jong-Il 66%
2. Robert Mugabe 33%
analysis: Even though it's an opinion poll, the right answer is Kim Jong-Il. Both parties would basically be the same, but you can go to Zimbabwe any old time you want. It's infinitely more difficult to get into North Korea.

Which returning evil leader is the most evil?
1. Omar al-Bashir 42%
T2. Hugo Chavez 28%
T2. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 28%

Best Out-of-context Lines

2008-01-05T19:23:00.011-05:00

Season 7 (from 10 to 1)

10. Burmese ruler Than Shwe recently decreed that, when it comes to elections, it's Myanmar not Youranmar.
9. On receiving aid from a nation with a life expectancy of 42.8 years, Haitian officials have called it the country's "Joe Pisarcik moment."
8. Myanmar's Burmese ruler, Than Shwe, asserts that his country's upcoming elections will be as "free and fair" as Fox News is "fair and balanced." He added, "They'll be free alright. But just remember, you get what you pay for."
7. Mann's wife called Obiang a "lovely" dictator. She also said he has the softest balls, like a kitten; he has a succulent mushroom head, and the asshole of an angel.
6. Than Shwe hopes to win his titles back-to-back, which coincidentally is the position Buddhist monks in his country are put in before they're shot.
5. Captain Engoga said he never really meant to kill the ruthless totalitarian; he was just being sarcastic.
4. Than Shwe has decided he doesn't want international observers to oversee the upcoming Burmese elections. He has his own band of child soldiers to fill that role.
3. North Korea, led by Kim Jong-Il, is going to test missiles yet again. This does nothing to counter the stereotype that Asians love tests.
2. Billionaire playoldman and corrupt Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlsuconi, had sex with me and everyone I know. He then took money from all of our bank accounts. I knew I shouldn't have trusted some random old man I saw whacking off on Chat Roulette.
1. He gets his inspiration from the large poster of Che Guevara hanging in his office. But don't get too close to the poster, it's very sticky.

Season 6 (from 10 to 1)

10. Ilham Aliyev, who is the boss in Azerbaijan, didn't make the cut, mostly because no one at Parade could get close enough on spelling "Azerbaijan" for spellcheck to even provide a suggestion.
9. The man who started the big sunglasses trend- that spread from Jewish grandmothers to promiscuous teenage girls- is holding the world hostage even more than Brett Favre. I've got the same advice for both of them: we all know your bombs are going to be intercepted, so just retire already.
8. The Syrian president goes by the title Bashar al-Assad. Loosely translated, his name means "Bashar the-Assad" (we recently uncovered that our Arabic translator was gay, so we had to fire him).
7. Of his uncle, Obiang said that he was the "son of lucifer," which I believe makes Obiang the grandson of lucifer. But who's counting.
6. Kim's acquiescence was a disappointment for long-time ELL followers. He didn't even get some crazy concession, which we've all come to expect. Something like a private Busta Rhymes concert, a pair of Lindsey Lohan's oversized sunglasses, or a signed copy of Debbie Does Dallas.
5. The citizens of his nation are starving and will sometimes do anything for food. So, to show solidarity with his poor constituency, he eats them. He's like a human-eating version of Gandhi.
4. Shwe is also a notorious recluse. The last time he was seen in public, a 22oz. Slurpee was 87 cents in Yangon, the city had no traffic lights, and Shwe could be seen sporting his military Miami Vice fluorescent green sport coat. This was last year.
3. The ruling Obiang uses his country's profits to sustain his billion dollar habit of stealing billions of dollars.
2. Apparently, Ahmadinejad is a fan of prison rape. It all dates back to a paper he wrote in kindergarten titled "I Hope to One Day Become President and Advocate the Rape of My Political Opponents while They Languish Away in Prison on Trumped Up Charges." The paper got a B+.
1. His country is a democracy. Granted, his country has elections like I talk to women. It occasionally happens, but it doesn't seem to go well. And the result's never fair. And someone usually ends up in jail.

Season 5 (from 10 to 1)

10. But it's important for an evil chief to be delusional, just ask the leadership of Citigroup.
9. Shwe is a lot like your uncle on cocaine. He's ruining the family but he doesn't care. He won't listen to reason. He hurts everyone around him. There's no changing him. But unlike your uncle, Than Shwe won't share with the kids.
8. That's better than his other personal motto, "Who wants syphilis!"
7. Kim Jong-Il, who is the ruler of North Korea, just turned 67 years old and he doesn't look a day over someone who died five years ago.
6. Nursultan Nazarbayev, who is perpetually constipated, is the president of Kazakhstan. There was a recent political protest in his country, which is as rare as a Nazarbayev shit.
5. The genocide in Darfur has taken its toll on al-Bashir's popularity rating in that region. Only 29% of black Africans in Darfur approve of the genocide. Hey, that's still better than Bush.
4. Sometimes, when I'm alone in my car, I get a strange feeling. It's the ghost of Idi Amin nibbling on my thigh.
3. Omar Bongo grooved his way to the top of the charts in Gabon in 1967, which is another way to say that he has ruled the country since before Madonna was fucking things.
2. Nazarbayev wants there to be a global currency. He suggested the currency could be the small intestines of democracy advocates, which, coincidentally, is already Kazakhstan's currency.
1. Because of the stress of being in the spotlight in such a moment, al-Bashir has put on some weight. In fact, his doctor asked him to lose 10-15 pounds. After the doctor was killed, al-Bashir set off on a quest to find a fatter doctor.

Season 4 (from 10 to 1)

10. Hitler couldn't hold Ahmadinejad's left nut (and that's the unclean nut).
9. War to an evil leader is like ice cream to a cranky toddler.
8. Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf told his ministers that he powders his balls. Somehow that made Musharraf even more unlikable in his country. The extremists felt that nut-powdering was unIslamic, but most just felt it was weird. And weirder that he told them.
7. Hugo Chavez of Venezuela runs a socialist nation. But not the good kind of socialism. His type doesn't include hairy collegiate girls who will sleep with you.
6. When your most ardent enemies want you to stay in power, you've lost your evil edge. Kim is like a porn star with ED.
5. If he does face a trial, his only request is he wants a more comfortable cage than the ones provided to Saddam Hussein and Adolph Eichmann.
4. But as my anal herpes prove, all double games eventually end; sometimes very painfully.
3. Don't be fooled by E.T., these aliens are not cute nor harmless. They are job-stealing, taco-consuming, salsa-dancing monsters.
2. He is seriously considering changing the name of his nation to Socialzuela. Just recently, he nationalized a Mexican cement company and the tip of his own penis.
1. He's nationalized the fuel industry, the pornography industry, puppies, head lice, your grandmother, Wednesdays, foot odor, and genital warts but not anal warts because Mitt Romney has a pretty good hold on that industry.

Season 3 (from 10 to 1)

10. Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, goes by the nickname of Tehran-i-saurus Rex.
9. So bring your family and come to Darfur! There's a chance you won't be raped and killed.
8. It’s a very conflicting time for him. Plus, he just found out his son is gay. Come on Pervez, tell him it's ok, kiss him on the forehead, and detain a few opponents to make yourself feel better.
7. Kim Jong-Il has been running North Korea since Tonya Harding was in the spotlight for her skating ability. It has been reported that someone called the diminutive ruler "Kimmy," and Kim Jong-Il bit the man's balls right off of his body.
6. Why don't you shove that oil up your ass and see how far that gets you (depends how far away the closest hospital is located).
5. I'm sure Western powers will be up-in-arms over this, but keep in mind Iran's quest for nuclear weapons involves Ahmadinejad googling "how to make atomic bomb" on a particularly mundane Saturday night. Still, that's terrifying.
4. Hugo Chavez didn't make the list once again. Technically, Venezuela is still a democracy, which apparently disqualifies someone from being a dictator. Saggy man boobs disqualifies someone from being a valuable member of society. Sorry Hugo, you're 0 for 2.
3. The former Pakistani army general has never lost in chess, because whenever he's about to lose, he knocks all the pieces off the board and says, "Do over."
2. An opposition boycott to an election is the evil leader's version of an orgasm. And in the aftermath, there's a lot of shame and regret.
1. Hu Jintao is the leader of China. Many believe that he is sitting on a sleeping giant that could potentially dominate the world. It's his penis.

Season 2 (from 10 to 1)

10. He also contracted gonorrhea. Not a good week for Kim.
9. With all of this killing, there might not be any people left in Sudan before long. That would hurt Omar al-Bashir in the ELL, because it's hard to be evil without people.
8. Lukashenko continuously states an old Belarussian proverb, "There's an old saying in Osipovichi, I know it's in Minsk, it's probably in Osipovichi, that says 'When a Pole is killed, my penis grows 3 inches.... Hahahahahahaha!!!! ... Do you get it? Polish people dying gives me an erection.... How come nobody's laughing?'"
7. Kim reportedly looks emaciated due to a hunger strike until the Trix rabbit gets to eat some cereal.
6. His record doesn't compare to the carnage Omar al-Bashir has on his hands (not literally, as al-Bashir washes regularly).
5. Never underestimate a small penis' role in creating an evil leader.
4. In the end Kim Jong-Il won with 117% of the vote (margin of error +/- 17%).
3. The only evil thing al-Bashir has done lately was to restart his X-box in the 3rd quarter of Madden 07 during an ass-whipping at the hands of the newly appointed governor of South Darfur, Ali Mahmoud.
2. He wants to "wipe Israel off the map" even though "Israel" isn't on any Iranian maps.
1. He's cock-blocked George Bush's foreign policy objectives so many times, Bush has resorted to jerking off to old tapes of Margaret Thatcher invading the Falkland Islands.

Season 1 (from 10 to 1)

10. If I was a woman and Chavez was a euphemism for penis, it might work.
9. You know what, Omar al-Bashir of Sudan might be a liar. And what he's lying about is even more important than a blowjob.
8. The only news on Kim is that he can kiss his elbows, which means he's probably gay (if it was 1954).
7. Chavez has something that the New York Times calls "Chavismo," which is better than Lou Gerhig's Disease, or so the article hints.
6. He acquired this skill at the Bill O'Reilly School of Being a Dick or BOSBD.
5. Kim was also given Aerosmith's 2007 "Dude Looks Like A Lady" Award last Tuesday.
4. Kim Jong-Il of North "mothafuckin" Korea has decided to ban Japanese cars. Hey asshole, this is the Evil Leaders League, not the Crazy Leaders League.
3. Saddam Hussein is dead and likely to have a rough season ahead of him.
2. According to the Sudanese media, Omar al-Bashir might be the greatest thing since sliced bread (sliced bread being Sudan's most cherished import).
1. Fidel Castro no longer has control over Cuba and reportedly has an artificial anus. A good way to lose in the ELL is to have things shoved up your ass.

Pervez Musharraf

2007-12-21T15:00:00.015-05:00

Pervez Musharraf was the leader of Pakistan from 1999-2008. Musharraf ended his 8 year run as de facto military dictator of the country in 2007, and became just a regular dictator. All that means is he lost his 20% discount at all Army Ranger Surplus outlets. He entered the ELL in Season 3 under trying times in his country. The people were pissed at Pervez. Musharraf heard their outrage and did what every great leader would do. He either changed or ignored the constitution, depending on the situation, in order to stay in power. Musharraf governed his country like he plays a game of chess: changing the rules when he starts to lose.

Overall record: 6-8
Season 3: 5-2
Season 4: 1-6

Playoff record: 0-1
Season 3: 0-1
Season 4: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Pervez Musharraf was relegated after Season 4.

Fun fact: Actually, Pervez Musharraf has never lost a game of chess, because whenever he's about to lose, he knocks all the pieces off the board and says, "Do over."

Mugabe's Mustache

2007-12-18T17:05:00.002-05:00

Ahmadinejad's Buddies

2007-12-18T16:40:00.002-05:00

Hugo Chavez and Friends

2007-12-18T16:28:00.002-05:00

Hu Jintao

2007-12-18T15:02:00.018-05:00

Since 2003, Hu Jintao has led China, a country that could potentially be very powerful, suppresses any and all dissent, eradicates minority cultures, helps to fund the genocide in Darfur, and has nuclear weapons. But China has received "most favorite nation" status from America, so it's all good. After making his debut in the ELL in Season 3, Hu was quickly relegated. As a result. he was able to concentrate solely on silencing critics before the Beijing Olympics last summer. He started with Richard Gere.

Overall record: 1-6
Season 3: 1-6

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 3: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Hu Jintao was relegated after season 3.

Fun Fact: Many analysts believe Hu Jintao is sitting on a sleeping giant that could potentially dominate the world. It's his penis.