Best Out-of-context Lines

Season 7 (from 10 to 1)

• 10. Burmese ruler Than Shwe recently decreed that, when it comes to elections, it's Myanmar not Youranmar.
• 9. On receiving aid from a nation with a life expectancy of 42.8 years, Haitian officials have called it the country's "Joe Pisarcik moment."
• 8. Myanmar's Burmese ruler, Than Shwe, asserts that his country's upcoming elections will be as "free and fair" as Fox News is "fair and balanced." He added, "They'll be free alright. But just remember, you get what you pay for."
• 7. Mann's wife called Obiang a "lovely" dictator. She also said he has the softest balls, like a kitten; he has a succulent mushroom head, and the asshole of an angel.
• 6. Than Shwe hopes to win his titles back-to-back, which coincidentally is the position Buddhist monks in his country are put in before they're shot.
• 5. Captain Engoga said he never really meant to kill the ruthless totalitarian; he was just being sarcastic.
• 4. Than Shwe has decided he doesn't want international observers to oversee the upcoming Burmese elections. He has his own band of child soldiers to fill that role.
• 3. North Korea, led by Kim Jong-Il, is going to test missiles yet again. This does nothing to counter the stereotype that Asians love tests.
• 2. Billionaire playoldman and corrupt Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlsuconi, had sex with me and everyone I know. He then took money from all of our bank accounts. I knew I shouldn't have trusted some random old man I saw whacking off on Chat Roulette.
• 1. He gets his inspiration from the large poster of Che Guevara hanging in his office. But don't get too close to the poster, it's very sticky.

Season 6 (from 10 to 1)

• 10. Ilham Aliyev, who is the boss in Azerbaijan, didn't make the cut, mostly because no one at Parade could get close enough on spelling "Azerbaijan" for spellcheck to even provide a suggestion.
• 9. The man who started the big sunglasses trend- that spread from Jewish grandmothers to promiscuous teenage girls- is holding the world hostage even more than Brett Favre. I've got the same advice for both of them: we all know your bombs are going to be intercepted, so just retire already.
• 8. The Syrian president goes by the title Bashar al-Assad. Loosely translated, his name means "Bashar the-Assad" (we recently uncovered that our Arabic translator was gay, so we had to fire him).
• 7. Of his uncle, Obiang said that he was the "son of lucifer," which I believe makes Obiang the grandson of lucifer. But who's counting.
• 6. Kim's acquiescence was a disappointment for long-time ELL followers. He didn't even get some crazy concession, which we've all come to expect. Something like a private Busta Rhymes concert, a pair of Lindsey Lohan's oversized sunglasses, or a signed copy of Debbie Does Dallas.
• 5. The citizens of his nation are starving and will sometimes do anything for food. So, to show solidarity with his poor constituency, he eats them. He's like a human-eating version of Gandhi.
• 4. Shwe is also a notorious recluse. The last time he was seen in public, a 22oz. Slurpee was 87 cents in Yangon, the city had no traffic lights, and Shwe could be seen sporting his military Miami Vice fluorescent green sport coat. This was last year.
• 3. The ruling Obiang uses his country's profits to sustain his billion dollar habit of stealing billions of dollars.
• 2. Apparently, Ahmadinejad is a fan of prison rape. It all dates back to a paper he wrote in kindergarten titled "I Hope to One Day Become President and Advocate the Rape of My Political Opponents while They Languish Away in Prison on Trumped Up Charges." The paper got a B+.
• 1. His country is a democracy. Granted, his country has elections like I talk to women. It occasionally happens, but it doesn't seem to go well. And the result's never fair. And someone usually ends up in jail.

Season 5 (from 10 to 1)

• 10. But it's important for an evil chief to be delusional, just ask the leadership of Citigroup.
• 9. Shwe is a lot like your uncle on cocaine. He's ruining the family but he doesn't care. He won't listen to reason. He hurts everyone around him. There's no changing him. But unlike your uncle, Than Shwe won't share with the kids.
• 8. That's better than his other personal motto, "Who wants syphilis!"
• 7. Kim Jong-Il, who is the ruler of North Korea, just turned 67 years old and he doesn't look a day over someone who died five years ago.
• 6. Nursultan Nazarbayev, who is perpetually constipated, is the president of Kazakhstan. There was a recent political protest in his country, which is as rare as a Nazarbayev shit.
• 5. The genocide in Darfur has taken its toll on al-Bashir's popularity rating in that region. Only 29% of black Africans in Darfur approve of the genocide. Hey, that's still better than Bush.
• 4. Sometimes, when I'm alone in my car, I get a strange feeling. It's the ghost of Idi Amin nibbling on my thigh.
• 3. Omar Bongo grooved his way to the top of the charts in Gabon in 1967, which is another way to say that he has ruled the country since before Madonna was fucking things.
• 2. Nazarbayev wants there to be a global currency. He suggested the currency could be the small intestines of democracy advocates, which, coincidentally, is already Kazakhstan's currency.
• 1. Because of the stress of being in the spotlight in such a moment, al-Bashir has put on some weight. In fact, his doctor asked him to lose 10-15 pounds. After the doctor was killed, al-Bashir set off on a quest to find a fatter doctor.

Season 4 (from 10 to 1)

• 10. Hitler couldn't hold Ahmadinejad's left nut (and that's the unclean nut).
• 9. War to an evil leader is like ice cream to a cranky toddler.
• 8. Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf told his ministers that he powders his balls. Somehow that made Musharraf even more unlikable in his country. The extremists felt that nut-powdering was unIslamic, but most just felt it was weird. And weirder that he told them.
• 7. Hugo Chavez of Venezuela runs a socialist nation. But not the good kind of socialism. His type doesn't include hairy collegiate girls who will sleep with you.
• 6. When your most ardent enemies want you to stay in power, you've lost your evil edge. Kim is like a porn star with ED.
• 5. If he does face a trial, his only request is he wants a more comfortable cage than the ones provided to Saddam Hussein and Adolph Eichmann.
• 4. But as my anal herpes prove, all double games eventually end; sometimes very painfully.
• 3. Don't be fooled by E.T., these aliens are not cute nor harmless. They are job-stealing, taco-consuming, salsa-dancing monsters.
• 2. He is seriously considering changing the name of his nation to Socialzuela. Just recently, he nationalized a Mexican cement company and the tip of his own penis.
• 1. He's nationalized the fuel industry, the pornography industry, puppies, head lice, your grandmother, Wednesdays, foot odor, and genital warts but not anal warts because Mitt Romney has a pretty good hold on that industry.

Season 3 (from 10 to 1)

• 10. Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, goes by the nickname of Tehran-i-saurus Rex.
• 9. So bring your family and come to Darfur! There's a chance you won't be raped and killed.
• 8. It’s a very conflicting time for him. Plus, he just found out his son is gay. Come on Pervez, tell him it's ok, kiss him on the forehead, and detain a few opponents to make yourself feel better.
• 7. Kim Jong-Il has been running North Korea since Tonya Harding was in the spotlight for her skating ability. It has been reported that someone called the diminutive ruler "Kimmy," and Kim Jong-Il bit the man's balls right off of his body.
• 6. Why don't you shove that oil up your ass and see how far that gets you (depends how far away the closest hospital is located).
• 5. I'm sure Western powers will be up-in-arms over this, but keep in mind Iran's quest for nuclear weapons involves Ahmadinejad googling "how to make atomic bomb" on a particularly mundane Saturday night. Still, that's terrifying.
• 4. Hugo Chavez didn't make the list once again. Technically, Venezuela is still a democracy, which apparently disqualifies someone from being a dictator. Saggy man boobs disqualifies someone from being a valuable member of society. Sorry Hugo, you're 0 for 2.
• 3. The former Pakistani army general has never lost in chess, because whenever he's about to lose, he knocks all the pieces off the board and says, "Do over."
• 2. An opposition boycott to an election is the evil leader's version of an orgasm. And in the aftermath, there's a lot of shame and regret.
• 1. Hu Jintao is the leader of China. Many believe that he is sitting on a sleeping giant that could potentially dominate the world. It's his penis.

Season 2 (from 10 to 1)

• 10. He also contracted gonorrhea. Not a good week for Kim.
• 9. With all of this killing, there might not be any people left in Sudan before long. That would hurt Omar al-Bashir in the ELL, because it's hard to be evil without people.
• 8. Lukashenko continuously states an old Belarussian proverb, "There's an old saying in Osipovichi, I know it's in Minsk, it's probably in Osipovichi, that says 'When a Pole is killed, my penis grows 3 inches.... Hahahahahahaha!!!! ... Do you get it? Polish people dying gives me an erection.... How come nobody's laughing?'"
• 7. Kim reportedly looks emaciated due to a hunger strike until the Trix rabbit gets to eat some cereal.
• 6. His record doesn't compare to the carnage Omar al-Bashir has on his hands (not literally, as al-Bashir washes regularly).
• 5. Never underestimate a small penis' role in creating an evil leader.
• 4. In the end Kim Jong-Il won with 117% of the vote (margin of error +/- 17%).
• 3. The only evil thing al-Bashir has done lately was to restart his X-box in the 3rd quarter of Madden 07 during an ass-whipping at the hands of the newly appointed governor of South Darfur, Ali Mahmoud.
• 2. He wants to "wipe Israel off the map" even though "Israel" isn't on any Iranian maps.
• 1. He's cock-blocked George Bush's foreign policy objectives so many times, Bush has resorted to jerking off to old tapes of Margaret Thatcher invading the Falkland Islands.

Season 1 (from 10 to 1)

• 10. If I was a woman and Chavez was a euphemism for penis, it might work.
• 9. You know what, Omar al-Bashir of Sudan might be a liar. And what he's lying about is even more important than a blowjob.
• 8. The only news on Kim is that he can kiss his elbows, which means he's probably gay (if it was 1954).
• 7. Chavez has something that the New York Times calls "Chavismo," which is better than Lou Gerhig's Disease, or so the article hints.
• 6. He acquired this skill at the Bill O'Reilly School of Being a Dick or BOSBD.
• 5. Kim was also given Aerosmith's 2007 "Dude Looks Like A Lady" Award last Tuesday.
• 4. Kim Jong-Il of North "mothafuckin" Korea has decided to ban Japanese cars. Hey asshole, this is the Evil Leaders League, not the Crazy Leaders League.
• 3. Saddam Hussein is dead and likely to have a rough season ahead of him.
• 2. According to the Sudanese media, Omar al-Bashir might be the greatest thing since sliced bread (sliced bread being Sudan's most cherished import).
• 1. Fidel Castro no longer has control over Cuba and reportedly has an artificial anus. A good way to lose in the ELL is to have things shoved up your ass.