Season 7, Week 1

We're back! And we're doing things a little different this season. Each contest will occur every two weeks. Yet, each round of battles will curiously be labeled the same as before (Week 1, Week 2, etc.). Hey, the Dallas Cowboys are in the East; competition doesn't make sense sometimes. The change will give each evil leader more time to commit their evil deeds. And, hopefully, increase the quality of each post. Everything else will be the same.

Let's meet the competitors:
Than Shwe - leader of Myanmar since 1992. Champion last season.
Kim Jong-Il - head of North Korea since 1994. Finished 2nd.
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Finished 3rd.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - a leader of Iran since 2005. Finished 4th.
Teodoro Obiang - ruling Equatorial Guinea since 1979. Finished 5th.
Silvio Berlusconi - Prime Minister for the 3rd time since 2008. New.
Hamid Karzai - ruler of Afghanistan since 2001. New.
Evo Morales - President of Bolivia since 2006. New.

Shwe vs Berlusconi
Than Shwe, the Burmese bomber, will oversee elections in Myanmar this year. He has urged his people to make the "correct choices." Some might argue the implied portion of that quote is... "or you will be chopped up into little pieces and fed to the dogs," but I say that's just good campaigning. No one would bat an eye if Obama made that claim before this year's midterms.

I don't know why the recent attack against Silvio Berlusconi was such a big story. The rule is after every 10 scandals, you get hit in the face with a statuette of Milan Cathedral. It's right there in the Italian Constitution. And don't get too upset that his 18-year old mistress is young enough to be his great granddaughter. You should be upset that she might actually be his great granddaughter. He has so many, it's hard to keep track.
winner: Shwe

Kim vs Morales
I'm the Kim Jong-Illest emcee
Who heads North Korea? That be me
Sell nukes to pariahs for a fee
While I laugh as my peeps go hun-gry
From the hit song "I'm the Kim Jong-Illest" off the album Literally Born to Rule, which, according to an official government press release, has gone 10 times platinum in North Korea.

Evo Morales is the first indigenous president of Bolivia, which means the conquistadores failed to eradicate at least one Indian tribe. That's egg on their faces. America is worried about Morales because he's your typical Latin American leftist. He nationalized the oil industry and demands reparations from industrialized nations over climate change. But, as is the case with all liberal men, he only holds these positions in an attempt to sleep with Jane Fonda.
winner: Kim

Karzai vs al-Bashir
I don't want to say Hamid Karzai stole the recent Afghan presidential election held last August. I also don't want to say that Tiger Woods enjoys philandering. Stating the obvious makes me gassy. Omar al-Bashir's Sudan is also set to have an election this year. Most pundits don't think al-Bashir will lose. Mostly because if anyone else receives a vote, they die. Who knows, maybe they'll get reincarnated into people who vote for Karzai next time.
winner: al-Bashir

Ahmadinejad vs Obiang
One of the conundrums surrounding Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is that he's evil enough to provoke protests for the last 7 months, and yet, not evil enough to halt people from protesting for the last 7 months. Another conundrum is how a short hirsute man dressed in casual attire doesn't get more booty. I hear that's the new "in" look. Equatorial Guinea's Teodoro Obiang has pledged $2 million in aid to Haiti. See, stealing your nation's oil money can be beneficial. Now, it'd be great if only some other corrupt dictator would give a part of his stolen oil money to aid the majority of Equatorial Guinea's population. I'm looking at you, José Eduardo dos Santos of Angola.
winner: Obiang

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