Season 4, Week 6

Monday, August 25, 2008

The Olympics are over and nothing evil happened. No wars, no coups, no human rights violations, and no affairs involving former presidential candidates cheating on their terminally ill wife. Thankfully, the Olympics are over now and evil has exploded back onto the scene. Let evil ring in every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city! Let's get the results from this week.

Musharraf vs Kim
Pervez Musharraf resigned as the President of Pakistan last week. He's still the "king of the throne" in his own bathroom, however. "All turds bow before the mighty monarch Musharraf! You don't like my decree? Well then... FLUSH!" Musharraf's wife is currently searching for a psycho-therapist for her recently deposed husband. One question you might be wondering is what caused Musharraf to resign? There can only be one answer: the Evil Leaders League! North Korea's Kim Jong-Il hasn't resigned from his post as leader for life. Instead, he greeted returning failed Olympians with imprisonment until they learn to stick the dismount (regardless of the sport).
winner: Kim

Nazarbayev vs Ahmadinejad
Kazakhstan's President Nursultan Nazarbayev has a big admirer named Bill Clinton. Despite the absence of political dissent in the land of the Kazakhs, Clinton thinks Nazarbayev is a pretty swell guy. A reporter asked Clinton, "Don't you think silencing dissent is wrong?" Clinton retorted, "It depends upon what the meaning of the word is is." When asked what he thought it meant, he replied, "I hope it means a blowjob from Nursultan's hot wife." To which Nazarbayev laughed and advised Clinton to do with her what he wished.

Iran's little leader is named Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The Ayatollah, the supreme leader of Iran, gave Ahmadinejad's political fortunes a boost by endorsing him for a second term as president. To put that in American terms, that endorsement is a little below one from Ronald Reagan, but better than one from Clay Aiken. The Ayatollah criticized Ahmadinejad for allowing inflation to rise too high, which is slowing down Iran's pretend pursuit of nuclear weapons.
winner: Nazarbayev

Shwe vs Chavez
Than Shwe is the only leader in this league who rules two countries, Burma and Myanmar. Some "experts" might argue that Burma and Myanmar are the same country, but they're probably just arugula-eating elitists. Shwe recently met with UN special envoy Ibrahim Gambari. Gambari realized that he was wasting his time in meeting with the dictator when Shwe blurted out that he enjoys killing Buddhist monks because it makes him feel like a big man. Shwe likes to tell the Buddhist riddle: If a Buddhist monk falls in the woods, does he make a sound? Hugo Chavez is the leader of Venezuela. He is seriously considering changing the name of his nation to Socialzuela. Just recently, he nationalized a Mexican cement company and the tip of his own penis.
winner: Shwe

Calderon vs al-Bashir
Mexicanese President Felipe Calderon has thought up an innovative way to fight crime. He's created anti-abduction squads. Before criminals are able to kidnap people, these squads will do it first. Then, the anti-abduction squads will train the people to invade the United States by way of illegal immigration. Does Felipe Calderon's evilness know no bounds? Only a giant wall will extinguish this man's pure evil genius. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir claims that his hands are tied when it comes to stopping the violence in the Darfur region. Then he lifted up a pair of bound hands from a Darfuri citizen and said, "See!" Afterward he laughed so heartily a little bit of pee came out. Next, he used the detached hands to scratch his ass before tossing them into the garbage, going back into his office, and taking a nap.
winner: al-Bashir

al-Bash 6-0
T Shwe 6-0
Kim J-I 4-2
Nazarba 3-3
Chavez 3-3
Ahmad 1-5
Mushar 1-5
Caldero 0-6