Season 4, Week 3

It's been an eventful week for our heroically evil leaders. When it comes to the ELL, don't settle for substitutes. Are there any substitute ELL sites? Anyway, let's check the results.

Nazarbayev vs Musharraf
Kazakhstan's president is a man named Nursultan Nazarbayev. Nazarbayev will chair Europe's OSCE in 2010 and he's preparing for it by tearing up his collection of Thomas Jefferson's writings. It's not the slavery part of Jefferson's work that is the trouble, it's the democracy part. Nazarbayev would prefer that democracy went the way of the typewriter or the French Tickler. There aren't as many French Ticklers as I encountered in my youth. Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf told his ministers that he powders his balls. Somehow that made Musharraf even more unlikable in his country. The extremists felt that nut-powdering was unIslamic, but most just felt it was weird. And weirder that he told them.
winner: Nazarbayev

Chavez vs Ahmadinejad
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela even has an evil smirk. Apparently, the rescue of hostages out of Colombia was a setback for the wet... forget it, that's not appropriate (for a few reasons). When the release of hostages hurts you politically, generally you're an evil fellow. His ex-wife hates him. That's not so evil. But she hates him to the point where she's become politically active for the opposition. Now all Hugo Chavez has to do is "do away with her" and he'll be an evil legend. Chavez has called for Latin American unity. Who are they unifying against? The United States is a good guess. He also powders his cojones with cocaine. Just for good measure. Musharraf gave him the idea.

Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad showed his evil clout by firing missiles that could carry a nuclear weapon (if Iran had one). That could be damaging because the U.S. and Israel don't have such technol... never mind. Despite this test, Bush sent a diplomatic envoy to Iran and asked Israel not to invade unilaterally. Diplomacy is evil leader suicide. Don't take the bait Mahmoud. Stay evil, brother!
winner: Chavez

Calderon vs Shwe
There's a sign in Manassas, Virginia that claims illegal immigrants deserve to be treated like human beings- no doubt part of a ploy perpetrated by Mexican President Felipe Calderon. We must resist these illegal aliens. Don't be fooled by E.T., these aliens are not cute nor harmless. They are job-stealing, taco-consuming, salsa-dancing monsters. The United Nations is set to press Than Shwe of Myanmar/Burma to open up his country to democracy. Shwe wouldn't even open up his country to foreign aid workers after the devastating cyclone, so you can shove that idea up your ass, U.N. Shwe uses U.N. treaties to wipe sweat off of his perpetually perspiring posterior. Use powder, Than.
winner: Shwe

al-Bashir vs Kim
The International Criminal Court indicted Sudan's Omar al-Bashir on charges of genocide. He will hire a Dream Team of lawyers, including F. Ali Bailey, Johnnie Muhammad Cochran, and Robert bin Shapiro, according to Sudan's minister of information, Kato Kaelin. Kim-Jong-Il, North Korea's cream-of-the-crop, recently shot a South Korean tourist. Well, he didn't actually shoot her, he has hired guards for... BREAKING NEWS: Omar al-Bashir is in the backseat of his Ford Bronco as it slowly zooms down the Khartoum Freeway. The driver is his friend Ahmad al-Cowlings. We have al-Cowlings on the phone.
"Hello. I've got O.B. in the backseat holding a gun to his head."
"Who is this?"
"This is A.C. You know who this is, dammit!"
We'll stay with this story as long as possible.
winner: al-Bashir

standings
al-Bash 3-0
T Shwe 3-0
Chavez 2-1
Kim J-I 1-2
Ahmad 1-2
Mushar 1-2
Nazarba 1-2
Caldero 0-3