Season 6, Week 7

I was just at the gas station when I saw a guy light a cigarette. I tried to get as far away as possible. I'm sure the people who live in our competitors' countries can empathize. Let's get the results for the final week of the regular season. Every matchup involves at least one participant whose playoff chances are up in the air.

Aliyev vs al-Bashir
Ilham Aliyev, the president of Azerbaijan, is in a little bit of trouble for silencing dissent in his country. His critics fail to understand that Aliyev is very sensitive and doesn't take criticism well. After spending most of his first few years as president hiding under his bed, crying uncontrollably because some people didn't like the way he ruled his country, he decided to make a change. Either people say nice things about him or they don't say anything at all. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir replaced his intelligence chief, Salah Gosh, because Gosh was accused of human rights abuses. Maybe al-Bashir is starting to change? Well, Gosh is now an official presidential adviser. Um. Never mind. And that was the least evil thing al-Bashir did this week.
winner: al-Bashir

Kim vs Obiang
Ok, ok, threatening everyone with nuclear weapons in order to force the international community to provide aid to impoverished North Korea didn't work out so well for Kim Jong-Il this time around. So Kim is trying a different route- opening up to South Korea. Of course, Kim hasn't had a lot of practice when it comes to making new friends. So after asking if the chairwoman of Hyundai wanted to go out for ice cream, he ended the encounter with a warning about blowing up South Korea. He's learning; give him time. Equatorial Guinea's leader is Teodoro Obiang. Obiang is your typical tyrant with oil. In other words, he's not so bad, just misunderstood. The mothers of child rapists have been using that line for years.
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs al-Assad
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calls himself the president of Iran. Lately, he's been getting some bad press. He's really not that bad a guy. He appointed 3 women to his cabinet (Condoleezza Rice was one). See, he's a feminist! He also received congratulations on his election "victory" from UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon. And finally, he was named one of the sexiest world leaders in by People Magazine because of his "irresistible short-guy-with-a-beard look." Syrian President Bashar al-Assad will travel to Tehran to congratulate Ahmadinejad on his victory. Very statesman like. But secret tapes have surfaced of al-Assad blaming all of his country's problems on Jews and blacks. He also hates people who text while driving, the Lebanese, and overweight lumberjacks.
winner: al-Assad

Chavez vs Shwe
Venezuela's Hugo Chavez criticized Obama for wanting to turn the U.S. into a socialist country, starting with universal healthcare. Just kidding. He called Obama a clueless imperialist. Then counted his American dollars. How could he sell out to the U.S.? Hey, his kids gotta eat, just ask Latrell Sprewell. Myanmar junta head, Than Shwe released an American prisoner from a Burmese prison this week after meeting Senator Jim Webb (suck on that Bill Clinton). That could thaw relations between the three country names. Not good news for democracy advocate Aung San Suu Kyi, who was convicted of not being a supporter of human rights violations. What's her deal anyway? Violating human rights is more fun than you might imagine. Unless you're the one being violated.
winner: Shwe

standings:
Kim J-I 6-1
al-Bash 5-2
T Shwe 4-3
Obiang 3-4
Ahmad 3-4
al-Assa 3-4
Chavez 2-5
Aliyev 2-5