Season 6, Week 6

We're hitting the homestretch. It's usually around this time of the season that I become a bit emotional as three of our valiant competitors are only a couple of weeks away from relegation. I'll try to carry on. Let's get the results.

Chavez vs al-Assad
Don't call it a comeback, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has been here for years. Now, he's threatening war with Colombia yet again. Apparently, his mother advised him to "knock them out." After pulling his ambassador to Colombia, however, Chavez balked. It seems his bark is bigger than his bite. But to make himself feel better, he nationalized the country's largest coffee plant. Syrian President Bashar al-Assad continues to engage in the Israeli peace process. That's like Mike Tyson becoming a peer mediator. The tall hair gel-enthusiast has also claimed that the Golan Heights should be returned to Syria. Israel would return the Golan Heights, but is afraid it'd only be offered store credit.
winner: Chavez

al-Bashir vs Obiang
Sudan's Omar al-Bashir used to be a hit with the girls. Just earlier this season, Angelina Jolie was all about him. But recently al-Bashir can't get things started with the ladies. Oh sure, he has great friends. Ghana refuses to arrest him even though the ICC issued a warrant for al-Bashir's arrest on charges of genocide. But al-Bashir still longs for the time when women were after him. Almost as much as the black Africans of Darfur long for a piece of food.

There's another black leader even more popular than Barack Obama; his name is Teodoro Obiang and he leads Equatorial Guinea. He's never garnered less than 95% of the vote in any election. That fact should emasculate Obama enough for him to just give up now. Obiang is celebrating his 30th year as his country's dictator. His citizens want to pitch in and give him a present. Two colonial-era antique bullets. Right in his head.
winner: al-Bashir

Ahmadinejad vs Shwe
Iranian second banana, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has a bit of an Ahmadinejad Complex. He's going to destroy those meddling bully nations who interfere with Iranian politics and took his lunch money in seventh grade and stole all of his ties in college and his razor while he was mayor of Tehran. He also wants to punish any and all dissidents. Hey, not having any real power can go to a person's head.

There's a little country in east Asia known as Myanmar by some and as Burma by those in the know. Or is it the other way around? Whatever you call it, Than Shwe runs it. A decision on the fate of democracy advocate Aung San Suu Kyi, who has been accused of harboring too many names (4 to be exact), is imminent. If Shwe was anything like Ahmadinejad claims to be, he'd kill her and take down America in one fell swoop.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Aliyev vs Kim
The guy in charge of Azerbaijan is Ilham Aliyev. But you knew that already. While he moves his nation closer to peace with Armenia, I have some advice for the Armenians. Don't dress up like donkeys and poke fun at Aliyev. He's very sensitive about that. It all stems from a bad experience with a donkey when he was younger. That's what you get when you're penis looks like a salt lick.

Here's the one you've all been waiting for... North Korea's Kim Jong-Il. The same charm that opened Monica Lewinsky's mouth, released the iron grip of Kim. While Bill Clinton has been lionized by most, honestly, it would’ve been surprising if the American journalists held hostage weren't released. Regardless, Kim's acquiescence was a disappointment for long-time ELL followers. He didn't even get some crazy concession, which we've all come to expect. Something like a private Busta Rhymes concert, a pair of Lindsey Lohan's oversized sunglasses, or a signed copy of Debbie Does Dallas.
winner: Aliyev

standings:
Kim J-I 5-1
al-Bash 4-2
T Shwe 3-3
Obiang 3-3
Ahmad 3-3
Chavez 2-4
al-Assa 2-4
Aliyev 2-4