Season 5, Week 5

Sometimes, when I'm sad, I wish I was an evil leader so I could have my minions rub meat on the balls of my opponents and then unleash Michael Vick's former dogs on them, just to wash away my pain.

Khamenei vs Bongo
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is, believe or not, the Ayatollah of Iran. He will essentially decide the next president of Iran, incumbent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or former incumbent Mohammad Khatami. That means that Khamenei has the power of 7 American men and 2 American women (in black robes). Ahmadinejad declared that Iran is now officially a super power. Yeah, and I have a 14-inch penis. Omar Bongo, the president of Gabon since 1967, has kept relative stability in his land by either paying off or jailing political opponents. Hey Bongo, for the right price, we can make sweet music together and I'll take you out of this league. What's the price? A bj from your dying wife.
winner: Khamenei

al-Bashir vs Kim
Omar al-Bashir is still the president of Sudan. He's garnered the support of Hosni Mubarak of Egypt. It's all part of al-Bashir's attempt to create an exclusive club of evil, aptly called: the Exclusive Club of Evil. To join, you have to be the evil leader of a country and have rancid foot odor. Kim Jong-Il runs North Korea. Even in death, he will terrify the U.S. as concerns about his successor rage on. Haunting people from beyond the grave is very evil, as Gene Siskel has taught me. In the meantime, Kim is still preparing to launch a missile in an attempt to scare the world into providing him with aid and legitimacy a little longer. Wouldn't it be great if real life was like that? You threaten to kill people and you get stuff, like Slurpees and Snickers bars.
winner: Kim

Shwe vs Chavez
Than Shwe, who runs military juntas in Myanmar and Burma, is like a women taking you for a ride. Right when you think he's finally going to be awesomely evil, he does something that leaves you scratching your head, like releasing political prisoners. One of the released prisoners was a monk named U Thumana, who was asked by a reporter, "What was it like in a Burmese prison?" U answered, "You can't imagine." The reporter rebutted, "Wait, me or you?" U answered, "You." Which went on until I realized that joke doesn't work in print. Venezuela's President, Hugo Chavez, made a surprise visit to Cuba to visit the Castro brothers. He wanted to see what he'd look like in 40 years. Chavez has also begun to dabble in killing critics and growing a beard, but apparently only has enough manhood for one of them.
winner: Chavez

Nazarbayev vs al-Assad
Nursultan Nazarbayev, who is perpetually constipated, is the president of Kazakhstan. There was a recent political protest in his country, which is as rare as a Nazarbayev shit. Nazarbayev should eat a jumbo chicken dog with free 7-11 chili poured over it. But he doesn't allow free speech, so he'll never receive that advice. Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is expected to meet with U.S. lawmakers and has been urged to enter negotiations with Israel. That all sounds like Syria is coming in from the cold, but just remember al-Assad's personal motto, "Keep your friends close and the Zionist American pigs closer. And continue to fund anti-American and anti-Israeli organizations." That's better than his other personal motto, "Who wants syphilis!"
winner: al-Assad

standings:
Chavez 4-1
al-Bash 4-1
Kim J-I 4-1
al-Assa 3-2
T Shwe 2-3
Khame 1-4
Bongo 1-4
Nazarb 1-4