Season 3, Week 1

This is the third season of the Evil Leaders League. The league will continue to consist of 8 evil leaders. Five participants are returning from last season, two are new, and one has climbed his way back up since being relegated in the first season. This is a round-robin league, much like the English Premier League soccer, not a tournament. There will be a playoffs at the end of the regular season. This season's Evil Leaders League (ELL) is dedicated to Benazir Bhutto.

Let's meet the competitors:
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Champion last season.
Hugo Chavez - president of Venezuela since 1999. Finished 2nd.
Vladimir Putin - running things in Russia since 1999. Finished 3rd.
Kim Jong-Il - the man in North Korea since 1994. Finished 4th
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - president of Iran since 2005. Finished 5th.
Robert Mugabe - president of Zimbabwe, ruling since 1980. Back.
Hu Jintao - leader of China since 2003. New.
Pervez Musharraf - president of Pakistan since 1999. New.

Week 1
Mugabe vs al-Bashir
The leader of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, was relegated after the first season. It was most unfortunate because he turned up the evil upon hearing the disappointing news. With Zimbabwe experiencing an incredible economic crisis, fueled by Weimar-like inflation, the pressure on Mugabe was mounting. But like any great evil leader, Mugabe put out the fire. Shit is still terrible in Zimbabwe, but there are fewer people complaining about it now. Jailings, killings, and limitations on free speech- that's why Mugabe is back. Sudanese ruler Omar al-Bashir is the two-time defending ELL champion. The reason? Genocide in Darfur. Besides massacring a group of people, the government-funded militias also partake in the act of raping women. During the offseason, al-Bashir wanted in on that action. But don't tell anyone. He also went to Turkey.
winner: al-Bashir

Putin vs Musharraf
Vladimir Putin is the president of Russia. His term will end probably towards the end of the ELL regular season. However, if his boy Dmitry Medvedev wins the presidential election, Putin said he wouldn't mind becoming prime minister. Can you believe that? Russia is such a backward country. Imagine a former two-term president came back to the White House in some capacity in the United States? It would never happen because we don't have a monarchy here in the good ole U.S. of A. I want to call Putin a monarch, but I don't know which spelling I like better, Czar or Tsar.

Pervez Musharraf is the president of Pakistan. He's had quite a year. After serving his country effectively, Musharraf sensed his time in charge was ending. Like an aging actor who won't go gentle into that good night, Musharraf did everything he could to hang on. You think he should relinquish his military uniform, goodbye. You question the credibility of the election, adios. You think his mustache is gay, welcome to the most anal-rapiest prison. The people of Pakistan have had enough. They want Musharraf gone. Musharraf is so despised, if Jackie Mason ran against him for the Presidency of Pakistan, the Jewish comedian would win. In December, his rival Benazir Bhutto was assassinated. Musharraf popped champagne. Now if only someone would off that pesky Nawaz Sharif, the ELL championship won't be far behind.
winner: Musharraf

Hu vs Kim
Hu Jintao is the leader of China. Many believe that he is sitting on a sleeping giant that could potentially dominate the world. It's his penis. Kim Jong-Il has been running North Korea since Tonya Harding was in the spotlight for her skating ability. It has been reported that someone called the diminutive ruler "Kimmy," and Kim Jong-Il bit the man's balls right off of his body. I will not say anything bad about the wonderful and all-powerful leader of North Korea.
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs Chavez
Two old favorites in the ELL. The Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made news by speaking at Columbia University in New York. He was granted a rather curt welcome and was chagrined for saying that there are no gays in Iran. For some reason that raised his evil prowess. I bet their aren't any gay people in 7 of these countries according to each country's ruler (Kim is an aficionado of the theater). Unfortunately for Ahmadinejad, it turns out all of his tough talk on nuclear weapons was as fake as his accent (Tehran my ass, I know Isfahan Farsi when I hear it!). The Venezuelan president is Hugo Chavez. He admitted that he chews coco leaves, from which cocaine is made. That's Chavez's way of saying, "Fuck you," to America's war on drugs. Everything this man does, every bone in his body, is anti-American.
winner: Chavez

standings:
al-Bash 1-0
Chavez 1-0
Kim J-I 1-0
Mushar 1-0
Putin 0-1
Ahmad 0-1
Hu Jin 0-1
Mugabe 0-1