Season 5, Week 7

I was nearly fired because I was told that I wasn't critical enough to children. And yet these assholes have great job security. Go figure. Anyway, let's get the results for the final week of the regular season.

Khamenei vs Shwe
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has been doing his Ayatollah thang in Iran for some time now. His buddy, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has a clearer path towards retaining the title of Inter-Iranian Political Championship, which he took from the former champ, the Iron Sheik. Ahmadinejad's proposed opponent, Mohammad Khatami has decided to back out of the race. So Ahmadinejad will continue to be Lamb Chop to Khamenei's whatever the fuck was the name of that dead lady who had her hand up Lamb Chop's ass.

Burmese leader, Than Shwe, leads Myanmar. His military has been described as a Ponzi scheme. Shwe's military advisor was none other than Bernie Madoff, so that explains it. It's nice to see that Shwe and a Jew have something in common. One big difference is that Jews like to experiment with Buddhism, while Shwe likes to experiment on Buddhists.
winner: Shwe

Kim vs Bongo
Lil' Kim Jong-Il, the ruler of North Korea, is going gangsta on this biotch. His threats to test weapons of mass destruction are becoming more boisterous. He claims North Korea is invulnerable, although he might want to look up the meaning of that word. Kim is threatening an attack against South Korea and Japan, the likes of which they haven't seen since the invasion of Hello Kitty. Gabon's president, Omar Bongo is playing the blues since the death of his wife. Apparently, the evil leader can feel emotion. Now he knows how the spouses of his political opponents feel. It's not a good feeling. Maybe this will spark a change in Bongo's consciousness. He’ll give back all the money he took from his citizens. He'll step down and help to usher in a new era of democracy in Gabon. But then again, he is only 8 years away from ruling his country for the magical total of 50 years.
winner: Kim

Nazarbayev vs al-Bashir
The president of Kazakhstan, Nursultan Nazarbayev, went to the Whitney Houston concert in Almaty. He will always loooooooooooooove being the autocratic ruler of Kazakhstaaaaaaaaaaan! That rendition is now the new Kazakh national anthem. Who says Nazarbayev isn't sensitive? Omar al-Bashir, the leader of Sudan is also sensitive. He knows that if the ICC puts him on trial for the genocide in Darfur, the tax payer will have to fit the bill. He cares about the working man, so he has decided to reject the ICC charge of genocide and the idea of a trial. Honestly, both men are so sensitive, I wish they both could be winners. But they can't be.
winner: al-Bashir

al-Assad vs Chavez
Bashar al-Assad, who runs the little nation of Syria, believes peace in Israel is possible. Particularly if the Jews weren't there. He received a special gift from U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, but don't tell Bill. He declared that Iran has the right to acquire nuclear power. He’s learned the art of taking all sides. This guy makes John Kerry look like an ideologically consistent person. Hugo Chavez is the president of Venezuela. He's continuing his attack against his nation's private sector. We all know Venezuela is socialist. But, according to Fox News, so is America. And America is pretty great. Thus, socialism is pretty great. And so is Venezuela. But that means Hugo Chavez's chances in the ELL this season aren't.
winner: al-Assad

standings:
Kim J-I 6-1
al-Bash 5-2
al-Assa 5-2
Chavez 4-3
T Shwe 4-3
Bongo 2-5
Khame 1-6
Nazarb 1-6