Season 5, Week 3

Sometimes, when I'm alone in my car, I get a strange feeling. It's the ghost of Idi Amin nibbling on my thigh. Let's get the results for Week 3.

Kim vs Shwe
Kim Jong-Il has run North Korea since Uncle Jessie was tucking Michelle in at night, Screetch was being stuffed in lockers, and Roseanne had her old face. Kim is preparing to test some more weapons as tensions with South Korea continue to rise. South Korean conservative president Lee Myung-Bak has refused to grant aid to the North, which has made Kim very angry, causing him to break out in hives and test nuclear weapons- it's a rare disease. Than Shwe, the head honcho of Burma and the chief in charge of Myanmar, is ignoring the United Nations. That's not evil, that's George W. Bush-like. Than Shwe and George W. Bush are pretty similar if you think about it. Both did coke in college.
winner: Kim

Khamenei vs Nazarbayev
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the Supreme Leader of Iran. I just read a summary about Iran's government structure and strange phrases appeared such as: checks and balances, presidential elections, and consensus-building. No where did I read about al Qaeda, nuclear weapons, or the Ayatollah's difficulties with flatulence. Needless to say, I was very confused. Could my entire impression of Iran have been wrong all along? Dick Cheney and Hillary Clinton told me that Iran was a dangerous theocracy hell-bent on killing us all. I didn't see the word hell-bent anywhere in the summary! I hate when reality shakes my world view.

Kazakhstan's President Nursultan Nazarbayev (SPOILER ALERT) is probably not long for this competition largely because he has too many letters in his name and it's a real pain in the ass to type it repeatedly week in and week out. Sorry Kazakhs, but get rid of this bum and install a new dictator with a shorter name and we'll talk. For now, Nazarbayev signed a law that will require at least two parties in parliament at all times. Did he make the change because I said he thinks the D in AIDS stands for democracy? Almost certainly. While it sounds like good news for the Kazakh people, keep in mind that the next election isn't until 2012. Also, Iran already has more than one party in its parliament, so...
winner: Nazarbayev

Bongo vs al-Assad
Omar Bongo of Gabon has been playing the blues of late. He's gone to Morocco to be with his sick wife. That's not particularly evil. Bongo is even more of a mensch than you realize. He took his wife on a memorable trip to Paris courtesy of the French foreign minister, Bernard Kouchner. Kouchner arranged a backstage tour of the Eiffel Tower and he even set up a romantic dinner for the lovely couple in a Parisian jail where they were allowed to whip inmates by candle light. Kouchner just wanted the Bongos to feel at home.

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad spent yesterday morning looking at himself in the mirror as he combed his pubescent mustache, pondering which Lebanese political leader to kill next and how to criticize Israel so he doesn't seem like a sell-out while not pissing them off so his country isn't blown apart like a Lebanese political leader. When al-Assad finished combing his mustache three hours later, he started the laborious chore of parting his hair and deciding which tone to take with Egypt and the U.S.
winner: al-Assad

Chavez vs al-Bashir
Protests rang out all over Venezuela against President Hugo Chavez's proposal of unlimited terms. People think it's just a way for Chavez to stay in power for life. Chavez has asked his citizens not to look ahead, noting that "the present is a gift. That's why it's called the present." Protestors told Chavez to keep his present and go fuck a picture of Pinochet. Omar al-Bashir, despite the best efforts of the ELL, still leads Sudan. Darfuri rebels still distrust the Sudanese government heading into peace talks between the two sides. See what a little genocide can do to a friendship? Honestly, the rebels should get over it. There are going to be tough times in this life and sometimes those tough times will include mass murder, torture, rape, and systematic starvation. When life gives you lemons...
winnner: al-Bashir

standings:
al-Bash 3-0
Chavez 2-1
Kim J-I 2-1
al-Assa 2-1
T Shwe 1-2
Bongo 1-2
Nazarb 1-2
Khame 0-3