Season 7, Week 7

Evil leaders are a lot like women. They'll rip your heart out.

Kim vs Karzai
With instability on the rise in North Korea, people are continuing to flee to that beacon, that bastion of authoritarian isolation, China. When your citizens are going in droves to an overcrowded communist nation, you know you done fucked things up. But there is speculation that people are only leaving because they don't want to catch whatever secret illness Kim Jong-Il has.

Hamid Karzai threw a hissy fit recently, claiming if the West forced reforms on his corrupt administration, he'd quit his post and join the Taliban. This is great news for the U.S.'s War on Terror! If Karzai joins the Taliban, his incompetent leadership will surely bring them down, a feat the U.S. military hasn't been able to accomplish.
winner: Karzai

Obiang vs Shwe
Following the news is making Teodoro Obiang feel down. The death of the Polish president, a coup in Kyrgyzstan, it's enough to make even the most entrenched dictator nervous. His doctors have advised Obiang to turn away from Fox News for a while and instead watch something healing, like The Marriage Ref.

Myanmar's Than Shwe hopes to gain legitimacy among his junta-ruling compadres in the upcoming Burmese elections. The elections will help him accomplish his two goals. The first is turning Myanmar into a nuclear state so that it can blackmail for aid in the fashion of North Korea. The other goal for the octogenarian is a Golden Girls reunion, which might be more difficult due to the deaths of Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty.
winner: Shwe

al-Bashir vs Morales
Even Ralph Nader boycotted the recent elections in Sudan and that guy has an electoral fetish stronger than Tiger Woods' for party girls. In fact, only one person's vote was counted. It happened to be that of longtime president Omar al-Bashir, who surprisingly voted for himself. Evo Morales had his own little election in Bolivia. I guess the cute indigenous authoritarian demagogue isn't as all-powerful as he thought. His party gained mixed success in the recent regional elections. It seems totalitarianism is no match when up against a little dose of democracy.
winner: al-Bashir

Ahmadinejad vs Belusconi
Iranian head honcho, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, wrote a letter to the UN's Secretary General, Ban Ki-Moon, asking him to look into the attacks of September 11. The impetus was this awesome documentary Ahmadinejad saw on YouTube while he was high. In the correspondence, Ahmadinejad writes:

Dear Rev. Sun Myung,
Dude, on 9/11 the CIA put bombs in the buildings just as they were calling all of the Jews to stay home from work that day. And did you know that George W. Bush is an anagram for terrorist in Farsi? Check that shit out, Secretary Reverend.
Sincerely,
M. Ahmadin... whatever

Billionaire playoldman and corrupt Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlsuconi, had sex with me and everyone I know. He then took money from all of our bank accounts. I knew I shouldn't have trusted some random old man I saw wacking off on Chat Roulette. Live and learn.
winner: Ahmadinejad

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