Season 5, ELL Finals Game 1

Monday, April 6, 2009

Can you feel it in the air tonight? No, it's not pollution from a Hummer that gets an embarrassingly low ratio of miles per gallon. It's the excitement that comes with the first game of the Evil Leaders League Finals. As always, the ELL Finals is a best out of three affair (first competitor to reach two victories grabs the title) with a quick turn-around. So stay tuned. Kim Jong-Il, the leader of North Korea, is gunning for his second career title. Omar al-Bashir, who has dominated both Sudan and the ELL during the first four seasons, is searching for his astonishing fourth championship.

al-Bashir vs Kim
Omar al-Bashir is on the lam. No, it's not because two foreign aid workers were just kidnapped in the genocide-riddled region of Darfur. But good guess. It has more to do with that riddle of genocide. If al-Bashir is lucky, not only will he avoid facing the ICC charges of genocide, he'll get a teaching job at Goucher College. For now, al-Bashir continues to have the support of Arab leaders, who have released a joint statement, "We reject the charge of genocide against Omar al-Bashir. He can kill whoever he wants as long as he stays the fuck outta Gaza. Those are really the only people we care about."

Kim Jong-Il is on a high right now. He just launched a rocket intended to show the world that North Korea has the capacity to transport their nuclear weapons. The rocket was supposed to send a satellite into orbit. Western powers don't believe the satellite made it, but they're still sounding the alarms. This just adds to the legend of the North Koreans, who gained independence with high-powered water guns. The guns may have only shot water, but it was still terrifying to those poor Americans. Whereas al-Bashir has gone the old school route in killing a mass amount of people, this is the age of technology. People want things instantly. No one wants to see a long drawn out mass killing; we want it to be immediate and spectacular.
winner: Kim
series: Kim 1-0