Season 1, Semis 1st Leg

The playoffs will consist of two legs in each round, best aggregate score wins, as is the case with the UEFA tournament. Many American fans of the ELL may not be familiar with this format. To my fellow Americans, it's time to engage with the rest of the world and occasionally turn the channel away from NASCAR. I will say that Tony Stewart is to NASCAR as Pete Weber is to bowling, and they both are like what Horace Fellatio is to billiards. Here are the results from leg 1 of the semifinals.

Ahmadinejad vs Kim
Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad doesn't even have real power in his own land, the Ayatollah does, in addition to being unpopular at home. The occasional nuclear threat from his mouth has the world up in arms. Now he has decided to engage with the UN and Europe. Dude, it's hard to call you evil when you are all acting political and shit. Simply spouting anti-Semitic remarks won't get it done in this league. I mean, even Ariel Sharon was known to tell a Jewish wife joke or 2... many (I mean enough already Ariel, we get it, Jewish women like to gossip). Let's see some action. Meanwhile, Kim Jong-Il actually has nuclear weapons. And Kim isn't going anywhere. The upper class of North Korea (all 8 of them) believe that their swanky status is based solely on Kim sustaining power. The home of Kim's son in Macau was recently robbed. The culprit? You guessed it, Frank Stallone and... Kim Jong-Il!
winner: Kim by 14

al-Bashir vs Chavez
Sudan's Omar al-Bashir reluctantly allowed a limited UN force into Darfur, where genocide is occurring. Listen dumbass, Hitler didn't allowed no fucking UN to the concentration camps. What kind of sloppy genocide are you running here? Hugo Chavez from Venezuela wants Latin America to unify on an anti-American stance. Points for that. He has been shadowing George Bush on the latter's Latin America trip. I wish a sexy broad would shadow me like Chavez does Bush. In fact, that's my new pick-up line, "Hey baby, wanna be Chavez to my Bush." Hasn't worked... yet. Or ever. If I was a woman and Chavez was a euphemism for penis, it might work. He also said that, "Bush should get the gold medal for hypocrisy." He gets points for crazy, but loses points because that would only increase America's medal count in the Olympics, putting Venezuela even further behind.
winner: Chavez by 4