Season 5, Week 6

We got quite a bit of snow here in Baltimore today. At least I'm not a gusano trapped inside with Fidel. Then I'd be subject to a 6 hour lecture about what a terrible person I am. It'd be a lot like attending Catholic mass or dinner with my family. Let's get the results for the all important Week 6.

Nazarbayev vs Shwe
Nursultan Nazarbayev is the president of Kazakhstan, a former Soviet satellite. As with most Soviet entities, it doesn't work so well. Kazakhstan's media is own by the state, but even they are realistic. There are no high pronouncements of the glorious reign of their dear president. Instead the media tends to report on trade deals Nazarbayev makes while playing his video game political simulators. He hopes that if he practices enough, someday he'll get to run a real country! Than Shwe is the leader of Burma and Myanmar. Even UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon doesn't want to visit either one of them and that guy's a glutton for destitution. Ban says he's more comfortable in war torn regions than in well-decorated boardrooms. Shwe is more comfortable surrounded by half-dead children because he loves to see the dreams and hopes of the young extinguished. He's Bizarro Obama.
winner: Shwe

Chavez vs Bongo
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela has been silenced. He has a sore throat and a doctor has ordered him to shut the fuck up for a few days, but probably not in those words. Chavez, who usually indulges himself in Fidel-like speeches, has been reduced to tears at the loss of his voice. Here's a riddle: What sound does a crying evil leader make if he's lost his voice? Answer: The same sound as one of his opponents, none. Gabon's President Omar Bongo has had his French accounts frozen. No more fries, no more kisses, and no more ticklers for the percussionist-turned-evil leader. Since Bongo will no longer be able to pay off dissidents, he'll have to resort to Plan B. Beating people with AIDS-covered sticks. Come on Bongo, wash the sticks, then beat the protestors. It's more humane.
winner: Bongo

al-Assad vs al-Bashir
You can call this matchup the Battle of al. Bashar al-Assad of Syria has a choice to make. Does he go with the tall dark and handsome Barack Obama or the rugged outdoorsmen found in anti-Israeli extremist circles. It's a tough choice. If only he could create a situation where he sees them both without the other one knowing. It's a recipe for all sorts of hi-jinks and hilarity. For now, al-Assad will continue be the anti-Israeli fighters' bodyguard. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir is in a bit of hot water. The genocide in Darfur has taken its toll on al-Bashir's popularity rating in that region. Only 29% of black Africans in Darfur approve of the genocide. Hey, that's still better than Bush. Darfur rebel leader Khalil Ibrahim has threatened al-Bashir's ouster. Ibrahim said, "You can call him al-Bashir, but I will call him betty-Bashir!" In Arabic, betty means "an evil leader who will soon be dethroned in the wake of an ICC indictment on charges of genocide." Paul Simon is a prophet.
winner: al-Assad

Khamenei vs Kim
Iran's Ayatollah, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei wants U.S. troops out of Iraq. He also enjoys apple pie, hot dogs, and watching mindless reality shows. Khamenei actually has a flag on his front porch, beats his wife, and sexually abuses his children. Iran and America have so much in common! It's the North Korean nihilistic version of Christmas for leader Kim Jong-Il. No, he's not trampling people to death at WalMart; remember, he's evil, not American. Kim can't wait to fire off his rockets and show the boy next door who is cooler. Kim loves his people because they were willing to give up food, electricity, freedom, and even a single traffic light in the capital, all so Kim could have some new toys. Kim will show his appreciation by playing with his toys of mass destruction day and night until there is no longer days or nights.
winner: Kim

standings:
Kim J-I 5-1
Chavez 4-2
al-Bash 4-2
al-Assa 4-2
T Shwe 3-3
Bongo 2-4
Khame 1-5
Nazarb 1-5