Season 6, Semis 1st Leg

Before we begin the playoffs, we have some business to attend to. Three evil competitors tied for 4th place with a record of 3-4. So, veteran fans know what that means. One challenger will make the playoffs, another will try again next season, and the other will be relegated. Exciting stuff. So how to do this? A round robin could finish in 1-1s all around, so that's out. As a result, the evil endeavors of the three hopefuls will be assigned point totals in this tie breaker and the results will be determined as such.

Ahmadinejad vs al-Assad vs Obiang
For years, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, one of the leaders of Iran, has talked the talk. He committed a Holocaust that never happened and, if it did, it ended before he was born. He defeated American imperialism and destroyed the state of Israel. Of course, actions speak louder than words, so he didn't do any of these things. But recently, he's actually acting. Opponents: jailed. Reform party: deemed illegal. Short guys with beards: sexy.

Bashar al-Assad of Syria has moved closer to the West recently. But he still decries imperialism, foreign intervention, hot beef injections, and every other euphemism for the United States' empire you can think of. However, al-Assad has spent a lot of time listening to the Village People this season. His favorite is "Go West." He also loves the policeman and his steamy mustache.

Equatorial Guinea, the third best Guinea in Africa, and 5th worldwide, is headed by Teodoro Obiang, the 2nd best Teodoro Obiang globally. There's a Teodoro Obiang who works at a gas station in Secaucus, New Jersey. The ruling Obiang uses his country's profits to sustain his billion dollar habit of stealing billions of dollars.
results: Ahmadinejad 14, al-Assad 8, Obiang 12

Now on to the playoffs. The semifinals will consist of two legs, best aggregate score wins. Enjoy.

Shwe vs al-Bashir
If you thought being a democracy-advocating opposition leader to a cutthroat military junta was bad, imagine if you add the term "convicted" in front of that. That is the situation Aung San Suu Kyi faces in Burmese leader Than Shwe's Myanmar. Never fear, Myanmar has tons of gas and just signed a huge trade deal with China via a South Korean company. See, Than Shwe isn't that bad after all. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir knows all about the game. While overseeing his oil rich country, he hacks the blacks of his nation. It's not all bad, at least he doesn't use marijuana. It's the gateway drug, you know.
winner: al-Bashir by 14

Ahmadinejad vs Kim
The difference between Ahmadinejad's rants against his own people and those against the rest of the world is that he can carry out the ones against Iranians. Apparently, Ahmadinejad is a fan of prison rape. It all dates back to a paper he wrote in kindergarten titled "I Hope to One Day Become President and Advocate the Rape of My Political Opponents while They Languish Away in Prison on Trumped Up Charges." The paper got a B+. North Korea's Kim Jong-Il sent his condolences to South Korea following the death of ex-president Kim Dae Jung. The ill North Korean dictator has made other overtures towards his southern neighbor. Looks like someone's trying to get into Korean Heaven.
winner: Ahmadinejad by 6