Season 5, Week 4

I went to get my car serviced and they asked me, "Do you know that your engine light is on?" I said that I did. And that was the end of that, which I took to mean that sometimes the light comes on for no particular reason and it wasn't a big deal. When I got back to Baltimore, the car was struggling a tad and smelled a little funny. Now, I'm terrified that my engine will fail at the worst possible moment (which is any moment really). I certainly did not need this now. What I do need is to get the results for this week in the ELL.

Nazarbayev vs Chavez
Nursultan Nazarbayev runs a country called Kazakhstan. Shares of Kazakhstan's state bank have plummeted, which means that Kazakhstan is a country in the world in 2009. There's nothing evil about participating in the global economic meltdown. Nazarbayev proposes to solve the crisis by doing away with money as a form of currency and instead suggests that people with the longest and most unpronounceable names will become the most powerful. Personally, I love the idea. Hugo Chavez is the President of Venezuela. Get used to that sentence as the country has voted to abolish presidential term limits. Venezuelan citizens saw what a beautifully burgeoning society a dictatorship has created in North Korea, Burma, Belarus, and many other places ruled by leaders who have been in this league, and they want in.
winner: Chavez

al-Assad vs Kim
Bashar al-Assad leads Syria. He and Saudi King Abdullah Bin Abdul Aziz Rodriguez Vazquez Papenski held hands in celebration of the new found relationship their two nations share and not because they're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Saudi Arabia is a U.S. ally so this means that al-Assad is friends with our friends. If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, then what is the friend of my friend? Kim Jong-Il, who is the ruler of North Korea, just turned 67 years old and he doesn't look a day over someone who died five years ago. I'm curious to see if North Korea's test of weapons of mass destruction will work. It's a little like my curiosity about whether or not I'll be successful in life; I know the answer and it's not good for either one of us.
winner: Kim

al-Bashir vs Khamenei
Omar al-Bashir has a map in his office of the country he runs, Sudan. The western and southern parts are cut off. The ICC has decided to issue a warrant for his arrest on charges of genocide. It's about time! Michael Vick languishes away in prison while this guy... never mind, this isn't the Soapbox Leaders League. Maybe people are right, a dozen dogs are more important than hundreds of thousands of black Africans. Omar al-Bashir certainly thinks so. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the Ayatollah of Iran. If you think about it, "Ayatollah" sounds like a racist stereotype of a Native American chant. All Khamenei thinks about is the late Ayatollah Khomeini... nude.
winner: al-Bashir

Shwe vs Bongo
It's like Than Shwe has two wives, one is Burma, a country that he leads, and the other is Myanmar, a country that he leads. Than Shwe called Kim Jong-Il on his birthday and they talked about old times, like the slumber parties they used to have. The parties usually involved putting dissidents into an eternal slumber. They talked about what they're up to now. One is a dictator of an impoverished Asian nation and, well, so is the other. Dude, what a coincidence! And of course, they talked about their favorite subject, boys. Omar Bongo grooved his way to the top of the charts in Gabon in 1967, which is another way to say that he has ruled the country since before Madonna was fucking things. When Bongo rose to power, he believed in equality, justice, and progress, but now he just hires people to tickle with a feather because it passes the time until he dies.
winner: Shwe

standings:
al-Bash 4-0
Chavez 3-1
Kim J-I 3-1
al-Assa 2-2
T Shwe 2-2
Bongo 1-3
Nazarb 1-3
Khame 0-4