Bashar al-Assad

Bashar al-Assad has been the president of Syria since 2000. His accomplishments include funding radical extremists who create havoc throughout the Middle East and controlling-then-releasing Lebanon. Considering he spends hours each day combing and styling his pre-pubescent mustache, it's a wonder where al-Assad finds the time. Then, the Syrian president has attempted to get in the good graces of the global community by offering to mediate negotiations between the U.S. and Iran, which is a little like Rush Limbaugh mediating negotiations between himself and painkillers.

He recently invented a new game called "kill 'n deny." Bashar is the current world champ.

Overall record: 8-6
Season 5: 5-2
Season 6: 3-4

Playoff record: 0-1
Season 5: 0-1
Season 6: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Bashar al-Assad lost a 3-way tie-breaker and was relegated.

Fun fact: Bashar al-Assad enters every international conference the same way, by screaming, "Here I am ladies; now who wants syphilis!"