Season 5, Semis 1st Leg

The Evil Leaders League playoffs have arrived. Are you as excited as I am? If you are, you might want to call a doctor, because that means you've definitely had an erection for more than 4 hours. And if you're a woman, you might want to check again, women don’t get erections.

But first, there was a tie for the final playoff spot. Hugo Chavez and Than Shwe tied for 4th place with 4-3 records. The winner goes into the playoffs to face the regular season winner, Kim Jong-Il, while the loser will have to wait until next season.

Chavez vs Shwe
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela called U.S. president Barack Obama "ignorant." Oh, just 'cause he's black he's gotta be ignorant? You fucking racist. Chavez has also threatened to jail his main rival, Manuel Rosales, just because Rosales is Latino. Than Shwe leads Burma or Myanmar depending on his mood. The Chinese believe that the issue of development and stability in Shwe's country is not simply a regional issue, but that of the whole international community. China pleading for the world to look into your human rights problems is like if Hugo Chavez thought your country was a little bit too socialist.
winner: Shwe

Now on to the playoffs. The semifinals will consist of two legs, best aggregate score wins. Enjoy.

al-Assad vs al-Bashir
Paul Simon is going to sit this one out. Bashad al-Assad is head of Syria. He has offered to mediate negotiations between the U.S. and Iran, which is a little like Rush Limbaugh mediating negotiations between himself and painkillers. In talks with Jordan, al-Assad stressed Arab unity, which left His Airness quite confused. At least al-Assad got a pair of autographed sneakers out of the encounter. Sudan is run by that gangsta, Omar "Rata-tat" al-Bashir. He's killed more black people than the Crips or Bloods could even dream of put together. Omar al-Bashir doesn't just have the po-po after him, he's way too big for that. No, he's got the International Criminal Court trying to take him down! That makes him a legend in the gangster game.
winner: al-Bashir by 14

Shwe vs Kim
Than Shwe is running on fumes in this week. He needed a tie-breaker to even get into the playoffs. Shwe's brutal regime represses Buddhist monks. As a result, Shwe has invented his own religion which basically consists of one ritual: At noon every day, Shwe gives a voodoo doll in the likeness of UN envoy Ibrahim Gambari "a Rangoon Steamer." Kim Jong-Il of North Korea looks thinner than he did last time we saw him. That's what happens when you're shitting out missiles on the world. The test date for the missiles crawls closer while the world waits to cram instead of forming a study group. Study groups are a great place to meet women, let's not wait and do what we always do.
winner: Kim by 2