Season 3, Week 5

Here are the results for week 5.

Putin vs Ahmadinejad
Vladimir Putin, the president of Russia, aced the analogy portion of the SAT. Fidel Castro is to Raul Castro as Vladimir Putin is to what?
A. Roger Clemens' bacne (back acne)
B. Joseph Stalin
C. Dmitry Medvedev
D. Britney Spears' vagina
If you don't know the answer, just ask Putin. Iran's president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, goes by the nickname of Tehran-i-saurus Rex. He's got a lot going on. He'll make a visit to Iraq pretty soon. I hear Baghdad is just beautiful in spring time. There's a "fireworks show" every night! Also, Iran has tied up almost all of the outstanding questions that the IAEA had about Iran's alleged nuclear program. However, Iran still hasn't satisfactorily explained their apparent quest for knowledge on how to make an atomic bomb. I'm sure Western powers will be up-in-arms over this, but keep in mind Iran's quest for nuclear weapons involves Ahmadinejad googling "how to make atomic bomb" on a particularly mundane Saturday night. Still, that's terrifying.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Mugabe vs Kim
Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe celebrated his 84th birthday party last Saturday. Reportedly, Mugabe was "upbeat" at his party. It's good to hear that the extreme poverty ravaging his nation over the last two years doesn't seem to affect him. I'm glad a man of his age isn't worrying about inflation that has reached 100,000% (I wish that number was comically high). Mugabe celebrated with flowers galore and pretty girls at his pool party. Mugabe threw punches in the air claiming to knockout anyone who would dare criticize him. Reportedly, Jerry Quarry started bleeding. Kim Jong-Il, leader of North Korea, had a birthday earlier in the month. He turned flobidy flubidy, which is a number that he made up. It would have made more sense for the winner of the birthday poll to win this match, but I didn't plan it out well enough. The only news from Kim is that he might meet the New York Philharmonic, which is only evil if he forced me to go to their concert with him.
winner: Mugabe

Musharraf vs al-Bashir
Pervez Musharraf is the president of Pakistan, for now. United States senators want Musharraf to leave gracefully. Evidently, they don't know Musharraf all that well. The former Pakistani army general has never lost in chess, because whenever he's about to lose, he knocks all the pieces off the board and says, "Do over." Musharraf is smarting politically after his political party was beaten in recent parliamentary elections worse than Zab Judah by Kosta Tszyu. Things aren't going so well. Do I smell another crackdown on critics? We'll see. Sudan's leader, Omar al-Bashir, not to be confused with the Omar that hosted of Nickelodeon’s Wild and Crazy Kids, is down on Denmark, but big on China. A Denmark paper has republished those offensive Muhammad (pbuh) cartoons causing al-Bashir to boycott everything Danish, including his morning pastry. He likes China because of their position on Darfur, which amounts to "Darfur? Never heard of it."
winner: al-Bashir

Chavez vs Hu
In Venezuela, they know the value of a buck. Their president, Hugo Chavez says that $100 for a barrel of oil is a fair price. He'll sell you a shirt for $50. No? Ok, $45. $5, no way! Ok, $35. And so on. Venezuela has also decided to nationalize more land. I wonder if we can nationalize Cindy McCain. Chinese leader Hu Jintao is going to Japan on a diplomatic mission. Hey, I thought the Chinese hate the Japanese. What is with all of this reasonable discussion? Very disappointing. Hopefully Hu will go back to killing gay people or he won't do well in the ELL.
winner: Chavez

standings:
al-Bash 4-1
Mushar 3-2
Kim J-I 3-2
Ahmad 3-2
Chavez 3-2
Mugabe 2-3
Putin 1-4
Hu Jin 1-4