Season 4, Week 5

This is the last week of evil action before we break for the Olympics, because we all know that nothing evil happens during the Olympics. Let's get the results.

Musharraf vs Chavez
When Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf ended his 8 year run as military dictator of the country in 2007, he became just a regular dictator. All that means is he lost his 20% discount at all Army Ranger Surplus outlets. For many years he was able to play a double game, where he was a staunch U.S. ally in the war on terror while allowing the ISI to continue supporting Islamic militant groups. But as my anal herpes prove, all double games eventually end; sometimes very painfully. Hugo Chavez of Venezuela runs a socialist nation. But not the good kind of socialism. His type doesn't include hairy collegiate girls who will sleep with you. Instead, his version focuses on the whole nationalize everything so we can centralize power aspect of socialism. Frankly, I like the hairy college girls variety better.
winner: Chavez

Kim vs Calderon
Kim Jong-Il, the leader of North Korea, is only slightly less popular in South Korea than his southern counterpart, Lee Myung Bak, but its not from a lack of trying. Kim has threatened to expel all South Koreans from the North. The reason for such a threat? No, not Frank Stallone. The North killed a South Korean housewife who was touring Mt. Kumgang. Kim is like the guy who rapes you and tells you it was for your own good. Every woman is thinking about a guy they know like that right now. Mexico's President Felipe Calderon is a shrewd customer. He's planning an invasion of the U.S. When asked what part of Mexico his ancestors are from, comedian George Lopez responds, "Los Angeles, bitch!" Calderon is planning a strategy that will have American comedians making the opposite joke in just a few short years. Beware! Stop eating tacos, you're only encouraging them!
winner: Kim

al-Bashir vs Nazarbayev
Sudan's leader Omar al-Bashir was indicted for genocide by the ICC recently. South Africa's Thabo Mbeki (Robert Mugabe's bff) rejects the ICC's ruling. Nowadays, an endorsement from Mbeki only increases one's evilness. Omar's next step is to seek out the friendship of Gary Busey. Despite how Borat portrays Kazakhstan, President Nursultan Nazarbayev will tell you that his land is not backwards and not filled with bigots. In fact, Nazarbayev just now condemned the misogynist commentary of the first two ELL contests this week. Then he had a hooker lashed 50 times for not buckling her seatbelt while she blew him the backseat of his massive presidential limousine. He's a stickler for safety.
winner: al-Bashir

Ahmadinejad vs Shwe
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Iranian president, continues to claim that he will resist all attempts to stop his glorious nuclear program. He's always talking about his nuclear program. He's that guy. At McDonald's, he responds to whether or not he would like fries with that by saying, "Yeah, working on my awesome nuclear program has made me in the mood for some fry'age." Listen Mahmoud, if you keep mentioning it, it makes it a lot less evil. Now people have even questioned whether he's simply trying to stir up national pride to distract Iranians from their crumbling economy. Myanmar (and Burma) is led by a military man named Than Shwe. Not only does he treat democracy like a disease, but he kills Buddhist monks, which are the best kind of monks. The Dalai Lama has said that Shwe reminds him of a "goat's sphincter."
winner: Shwe

standings:
al-Bash 5-0
T Shwe 5-0
Kim J-I 3-2
Chavez 3-2
Nazarba 2-3
Ahmad 1-4
Mushar 1-4
Caldero 0-5