Season 1 Review

Today is Good Friday and Passover. Since I'm observing both this year, I can't eat meat or bread today and I can only have one meal. All I had was 5 matzo balls (good, but not filling) in vegetable broth (bad). I had to teach some stupid ass kid who lies constantly and then gets upset when I don't treat him with respect. Why don't you fucking do what I tell you, you little puke. Everybody on the road drove like a moron today. I was out in the 80 degree weather for a few hours on Tuesday and in the 30 degree weather last night for a few hours. My face feels like sandpaper. I'm in a bit of a bad mood. I know what it takes to be an evil leader now.

The Champion - Omar al-Bashir 5-2 (2-0)
The genocide in Darfur was really the catalyst for Sudanese president Omar al-Bashir to take home the ELL crown these year (although his proficient dart throwing didn't hurt). He did a good job of making sure the international community can't stop the mass murder. He also picked the right victim, black Africans are the most detested, despised, and degraded people in the world. The world, as a whole, doesn't care about them and racism thrives all across this planet. The only mistake al-Bashir made was targeting Christians. They run the world and presumably will save their own.

Check out the best out-of-context lines from this season in the Highlights section.

The Challengers
Kim Jong-Il 5-2 (1-1) - North Korea's least favorite son is a bit eccentric, but politically shrewd. He enjoys American Idol, the show Friends, and starving his people- maybe not in that order.
Hugo Chavez 5-2 (0-1) - He had an unexpectedly good year. He's trying his best to erode democracy in Venezuela, which conveniently is the country that he leads. He has also tried to implement his ideology, whether it benefits his country or not.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 5-2 (0-1) - He has lost favor a bit in his home country of Iran, but remains one of the most reviled men in Europe and the US. As long as he's hated (by the "right" people), he'll have a place in these league.
Alexander Lukashenko 4-3 - Belarus' president didn't make the playoffs this year. He had a decent year, stole an election, lost gas negotiations with Russia but somehow came out looking like the good guy, and there's even talk that he might be the next president of Russia.

The Relegated
Robert Mugabe 3-4 - This is a tragic story. The president of Zimbabwe once represented optimism and pan-Africanism. Then he maintained power at all costs, while his subjects suffered. Now for the tragic part: The climate in Zimbabwe dropped so dramatically the people became desperate and clamored for democracy. It wasn't until Mugabe was relegated that he fought back, beating and jailing his opponents. It was too little too late and Mugabe will watch next season's ELL from the sidelines.
Fidel Castro 1-6 - To be honest, the former Cuban leader never had a chance. He had a mysterious disease and handed over power to his brother. There is talk of him coming back, but it won't be in the ELL next season.
Saddam Hussein 0-7 - He was dead all season. I doubt we'll see him again.

Some Facts and Figures:
Uses of the word during the first ELL season -
some variation of "fuck" 5 times; some variation of "ass" 5 times; some variation of "shit" 7 times; "evil" 46 times; "baby" twice; "blowjob" once.
5 people will return for next season.
4 people finished in a tie for first.
4 references to Castro's artificial anus.
3 people won't be back for next season.
1 not-so-hidden message to a friend.
1 mention of Bill O'Reilly, Aerosmith, and Michael Wilbon.

Join us next season for more Evil Leaders League action.

Season 1, ELL Finals Game 2

Here is Game 2 of the best of 3 series for the ELL Championship. Here is the result, George Michael, press the button:

al-Bashir vs Kim
Sudanese president Omar al-Bashir met with Secretary General of the UN Ban Ki-Moon. Engaging with the international community is bad news for evil leaders (unless that community is the nuclear underworld). Then, Omar al-Bashir decided to ban UN troops from Darfur, insisting that generals can only send African troops, and later mooned his secretary Kiki. The president of Sudan will not allow any blue helmets in Darfur or on his penis while he has sex with Kiki. Kim Jong-Il, the leader of North Korea, just bowled the greatest game of all time. He bowled a 302. Some claim that he cheated, including the millions of people in North Korea who may starve because of a poor harvest and a fall in foreign aid. But at least they haven't been killed by the state-sponsored Janjaweed militia. The people of Darfur, Sudan have been.
winner: al-Bashir
series: al-Bashir 2-0



Mugabe is beating up his opponents, Ahmadinejad captured British hostages, and Castro's trying make a triumphant comeback to public life. Sorry fellas, it's too late. Congratulations to Omar al-Bashir for winning the first season of the Evil Leaders League! The season in review extravaganza is still to come.

Season 1, ELL Finals Game 1

Just like when the NBA arbitrarily changed the first round of the playoffs to a best of 7 series, the ELL too has shifted its post season format for no good reason (except to give the Lakers an advantage). It will be a best of 3 series (first one to 2 wins), with a short turn-around in between contests. Omar al-Bashir of Sudan will face Kim Jong-Il of North Korea in the most exciting event since Georgetown made the Final Four a few short hours ago. You've been waiting for this the whole season... the "analysis" of today's "evil" leaders that Chalmers Johnson doesn't have "the" balls to give. Here is the result from Game 1 of the ELL Finals:

Kim vs al-Bashir
Overall, Kim Jong-Il's possession of nuclear weapons is good. The widespread starvation of his subjects is also a plus. But Kim didn't come to the Finals with his "A" game. The only news on Kim is that he can kiss his elbows, which means he's probably gay (if it was 1954). Egypt's Hosni Mubarak (who is wallowing in the doldrums of the Evil minor leagues) won't help the UN press Sudan on the genocide in Darfur, but al-Bashir wants to help with peace talks... in Uganda. While there's a 10% chance that al-Bashir is also gay, there is a 100% chance that'll he'll win Game 1 of the ELL Finals, because he has yet again diverted attention and action away from the genocide taking place within his borders. And Hu Jintao of China (another minor leaguer) keeps the money pouring into al-Bashir's pockets. A convincing evil victory in my book (and on my blog).
winner: al-Bashir
series: al-Bashir 1-0

Season 1, Semis 2nd Leg

The accumulative winners of the two legs of competition will face off in the finals. Let's check out the results from the 2nd leg:

Kim vs Ahmadinejad
While the world continues to be up in arms about Ahmadinejad's potential for having nuclear arms (ugh, terrible play on words), Kim Jong-Il actually has them. Fortunately his Elvis hairstyle clearly indicates that he is a stable man. It appears clear that, barring nuclear annihilation, Kim will eventually pass power to one of his children. The Kim, or Jong, or maybe Il, I don't know what gets passed down in Korean society, but whatever it is, that dynasty will continue. The announcement makes it less likely that Kim would use his nuclear weapons, but even possessing them for an evil leader is like a mouth for a hooker. It's enough to get the job done.

The aforementioned Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been granted a visa to the US in order to speak at the UN. What the fuck? My friend's brother, from India, couldn't even get a visa to visit his parents and his sister in the US. Russia has given Ahmadinejad an ultimatum, you want our gas, how about no more enriching uranium. Ultimately, Ahmadinejad is a lot of hype, and not enough evil.
winner 2nd leg: Kim by 6
winner overall: Kim by 20

Chavez vs al-Bashir
Venezuela's Hugo Chavez (pronounced Oo-go Chavez) threatened his allies to either join his new socialist party or face the wrath of the "Dark Knight," Chavez's self-professed nickname. In other news, Chavez and Barbara Walters are quite fond of one another. That's not so evil, it's more like: Huh? Chavez has had a very good evil season, but I'm not writing my congressperson and senators about the atrocities occurring in his land, urging them to act. The same cannot be said for Omar al-Bashir of Sudan. In fairness to al-Bashir, he denies any government role in the violence in Darfur. Perhaps that's why he doesn't want any UN peacekeeping forces to stop the violence, or why he doesn't want any Sudanese to be tried in courts outside of Sudan, or why he signed a peace agreement with Chad assuring the Chadians the violence wouldn't cross the border. You know what, Omar al-Bashir of Sudan might be a liar. And what he's lying about is even more important than a blowjob.
winner 2nd leg: al-Bashir by 6
winner overall: al-Bashir by 2

special note: Poor Robert Mugabe. The Zimbabwean president had a rough year and will be relegated. After the season ends, Mugabe gets the hot hand, beating up his political opponents left and right. And then another left and a right, then two lefts, then a couple of kicks to the stomach. Well, buck up Robert, there's always the year after next.

Season 1, Semis 1st Leg

The playoffs will consist of two legs in each round, best aggregate score wins, as is the case with the UEFA tournament. Many American fans of the ELL may not be familiar with this format. To my fellow Americans, it's time to engage with the rest of the world and occasionally turn the channel away from NASCAR. I will say that Tony Stewart is to NASCAR as Pete Weber is to bowling, and they both are like what Horace Fellatio is to billiards. Here are the results from leg 1 of the semifinals.

Ahmadinejad vs Kim
Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad doesn't even have real power in his own land, the Ayatollah does, in addition to being unpopular at home. The occasional nuclear threat from his mouth has the world up in arms. Now he has decided to engage with the UN and Europe. Dude, it's hard to call you evil when you are all acting political and shit. Simply spouting anti-Semitic remarks won't get it done in this league. I mean, even Ariel Sharon was known to tell a Jewish wife joke or 2... many (I mean enough already Ariel, we get it, Jewish women like to gossip). Let's see some action. Meanwhile, Kim Jong-Il actually has nuclear weapons. And Kim isn't going anywhere. The upper class of North Korea (all 8 of them) believe that their swanky status is based solely on Kim sustaining power. The home of Kim's son in Macau was recently robbed. The culprit? You guessed it, Frank Stallone and... Kim Jong-Il!
winner: Kim by 14

al-Bashir vs Chavez
Sudan's Omar al-Bashir reluctantly allowed a limited UN force into Darfur, where genocide is occurring. Listen dumbass, Hitler didn't allowed no fucking UN to the concentration camps. What kind of sloppy genocide are you running here? Hugo Chavez from Venezuela wants Latin America to unify on an anti-American stance. Points for that. He has been shadowing George Bush on the latter's Latin America trip. I wish a sexy broad would shadow me like Chavez does Bush. In fact, that's my new pick-up line, "Hey baby, wanna be Chavez to my Bush." Hasn't worked... yet. Or ever. If I was a woman and Chavez was a euphemism for penis, it might work. He also said that, "Bush should get the gold medal for hypocrisy." He gets points for crazy, but loses points because that would only increase America's medal count in the Olympics, putting Venezuela even further behind.
winner: Chavez by 4

Season 1, Week 7

The last week of the regular season. The top 4 make the playoffs, the bottom 3 face relegation. Here are the results:

Castro vs Mugabe
Cuba's former authoritarian Fidel Castro talked on the radio last week. No word if he was simply talking out of his artificial ass. Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe must be Jewish because things keep going badly for him. The country is now forever linked with the Weimar Republic of Germany for the extent of its hyperinflation. Analysts are looking toward 2008 for hope. Why 2008? Because that's the proposed year for Mugabe's ouster after 27 years in power. But he still is in power.
winner: Mugabe

Ahmadinejad vs Chavez
The matchup of the week. Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad continues to be America's Boogeyman. Presidential pretender Joe Biden called Ahmadinejad a madman, specifically saying, "that wacko guy, the crazy president," just because he showers 5 times a day. I say he's a germophobe, not a wacko. In between showers, Ahmadinejad witnessed his budget proposal approved by Iran's parliament. Though it passed, MP's in Iran criticized the plan. Parliament? Critical MPs? Freedom of speech? Looks bad. Hugo Chavez of Venezuela says that the CIA is out to kill him. Crazy evil stuff right there. He also wants the country's leftist parties to join his own. They're not so keen on the one party deal. Chavez will have them yet, most likely.
winner: Chavez

al-Bashir vs Hussein
Omar al-Bashir, the president of Sudan, won't hand over Sudanese citizens for trials outside of the country. Omar al-Bashir, who the fuck is you? Evidently, he's still got enough clout to talk a little shit. Talking or shitting, two things Saddam Hussein hasn't done lately; he's dead.
winner: al-Bashir

Lukashenko vs Kim
A Russian ultra-rightist group Movement Against Illegal Aliens wants Alexander Lukashenko to be Russia's president in 2008. The only problem is that the duties of being Russia's president might interfere with his current job, president of Belarus. But that's a big piece of evil pie right there. Lukashenko has been scrounging for money to help his financially fledgling country. So he met with leaders from UAE. Good stuff. North Korea's Kim Jong-Il has been getting money from the United Nation's Development Program. He also partied at the Chinese embassy in Pyongyang. But no one wants Kim to be president of Russia, Nepal, or any other country. Probably not even North Korea.
winner: Lukashenko

standings:
Kim J-I 5-2
Chavez 5-2
Ahmad 5-2
al-Bash 5-2
Lukash 4-3
Mugabe 3-4
Castro 1-6
Hussein 0-7

Season 1, Week 6

The first season of the ELL is winding down, I think. Here are the results from Week 6:

Kim vs Chavez
A battle of the evil titans. A South Korean spy named Choi San-Bak (oops, maybe I shouldn't have revealed his name) claims that Kim Jong-Il has a strong grip on power in North Korea. There are no rifts in the ruling party (take notes Mugabe, you could learn a thing from Kim).

It was a great week for Kim. Several Russian non-governmental organizations elected him an honorary member of the International Academy of the Social Sciences. He was given the award for “outstanding services in establishing cordial relations between the two countries, patronage of literature and arts as well as for support of charity initiatives.” Also, Kim was awarded the fund’s order in 2005 “For outstanding contribution to the cause of revival and prosperity of the world,” which is not at all ironic, considering North Korea's prosperous situation. Kim was also given Aerosmith's 2007 "Dude Looks Like A Lady" Award last Tuesday.

Hugo Chavez claims that George Bush's trip to Latin America is designed to isolate Venezuela from it's neighbors and cause dissension in the region. What an ego trip! Chavez also claims that private property in his country is not in jeopardy, which is not evil, but not not evil. All in all, a decent performance from Chavez, but Kim came to play, or I guess- evil lead- this week.
winner: Kim

Hussein vs Castro
Saddam Hussein is still dead. Cuba has thrown out a couple of foreign reporters prompting the US to describe the island nation as a police state. But Fidel Castro ain't in power, so that has no bearing on his matchup. Castro wins however, because being alive is better than being dead... as long as you're not one of these evil leaders' subjects.
winner: Castro

Lukashenko vs Ahmadinejad
The Belarusian president, Alexander Lukashenko, has powerful friends and enemies in Russia. In a speech this past week he praised Boris Yeltsin and "early" Vladimir Putin, while deriding "late" Putin. I've got bad news for Lukashenko, "late" Putin is the only one in power right now. Way to piss off the one dude you needed to keep you in power dumbass.

Don't worry, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will make sure than Iran's nuclear program will continue! In an adept move, Iran's president said, "The Iranian nation does not have any feeling of hatred and opposition towards the American people," adding that, "due to the repeated mistakes made by the American leadership, the image of the United States is becoming tarnished in the region." Very shrewd. He finished by saying," And did anyone see Britney Spears this week? Why did she shave her head? I think she might be a bit unstable."
winner: Ahmadinejad

Mugabe vs al-Bashir
Happy Birthday Robert Mugabe! The evil leader turned 83 on Wednesday and had cake and everything, while the people of Zimbabwe could not find bread in their grocery stores thanks to Mugabe's price controls which were aimed at quelling the country's enormous inflation rate (that wasn't a fat joke, my pledge for Lent is safe). That's very evil. Except it might lead to his ousting as president. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir signed a peace deal with Chad (the country, not his secret lover) to keep the violence in Darfur from spilling across the border. Looks like a clear win for Mugabe- celebration in the face of poverty vs signing a peace deal- but wait. Omar al-Bashir signed the deal so that what happens in Sudan stays in Sudan! And will keep happening in Sudan! And what is happening is genocide. Evil checkmate.
winner: al-Bashir

standings:
Kim J-I 5-1
Ahmad 5-1
Chavez 4-2
al-Bash 4-2
Lukash 3-3
Mugabe 2-4
Castro 1-5
Hussein 0-6

Season 1, Week 5

Week 5 of the ELL:

Chavez vs Lukashenko
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela has two things going for him. One is his threat to jail grocery store owners who don't comply with his price controls. He's also threatened to nationalize their businesses. All of that is right up an evil hero's alley. The other thing is that my friend Kristen wrote a paper on him for grad school. Belarus' President Alexander Lukashenko reportedly wants to join the European Union. It's hard to be an evil leader when you got people looking over your shoulder. If jailing grocers wasn't enough, Kristen's efforts give Hugo Chavez an easy victory.
winner: Chavez

Kim vs Ahmadinejad
Kim Jong-Il of North "mothafuckin" Korea has decided to ban Japanese cars. Hey asshole, this is the Evil Leaders League, not the Crazy Leaders League. Everyone knows Japan makes better cars than North Korea. Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (take your time with prouncing it Tony Snow) puts the fear of G-d in Mor(m)on US presidential candidate Mitt Romney. Ahmadinejad didn't even do shit. In fact, he's losing support at home. Mahmoud's just a hustler baby. Iran also shut down a web site talking shit about Mahmy. Kim got schooled this week.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Mugabe vs Hussein
Zimbabwe's leader Robert Mugabe is in trouble. The opposition party MDC was allowed to hold a protest rally, which was designed to launch their presidential campaign for 2008. Mugabe hopes to postpone elections until 2010. Democracy is not an evil leader's friend. But he wins anyway because his opponent, Saddam Hussein, is dead.
winner: Mugabe

al-Bashir vs Castro
Omar al-Bashir, the president of Sudan, should be a bit farklempt. Violence in Darfur is only increasing. And people are noticing, I hope. It's to the point where aid workers are victims of violence, not just innocent people from Darfur. Rwanda's president Paul Kagame says that the situation in Darfur is reminiscent of the genocide in his own country during 1994. But, al-Bashir does not have an artificial anus like his opponent. Omar is also in power, something that Fidel Castro also can't say. That's not the only thing stroke face can't say.
winner: al-Bashir

standings:
Kim J-I 4-1
Chavez 4-1
Ahmad 4-1
Lukash 3-2
al-Bash 3-2
Mugabe 2-3
Castro 0-5
Hussein 0-5

Season 1, Week 4

For week 4, The ELL gets a little help from Parade magazine's list of "The World's 10 Worst Dictators," because everyone knows that the worst dictators make the best evil leaders.

Kim vs Castro
Parade magazine ranked Kim Jong-Il #2. They called him a wily politician. He's shown this throughout recent negotiations with South Korea, Japan, China, Russia, and the US. Kim makes outrageous energy demands so that his less-outrageous demands seem more reasonable. He acquired this skill at the Bill O'Reilly School of Being a Dick or BOSBD. The six partners have reached a tentative agreement where North Korea kinda shuts down their nuclear program in exchange for energy and humanitarian aid. It's the same deal I have with my mother.

Castro was unrated because he's not in power. But even if Fidel Castro was in power and didn't have an artificial anus, he would lose this matchup, because of the active- though small- Jewish community in Cuba. Jews have been practicing more and more since the ban on religious freedom was lifted in 1992. What kind of evil leader allows Jews to pick up the pieces of their shattered lives? Not a very good one.
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs Hussein
Parade did not rank Ahmadinejad, opting instead to list Ayatollah Khamenei, the true authority in Iran, at #3. Ahmadinejad gave his much anticipated speech Sunday, marking the 28th anniversary of the Iranian Revolution, and, well... it was pretty weak. "The Iranian nation on February 11, 2007 passed the arduous passes and stabilised its definite (nuclear) right." Now we're supposed to wait until April 9th for the good stuff and hopefully a better translated sentence ("passed the arduous passes "- what the fuck?). A poor showing for the Iranian president. Could he actually lose to a Sunni Arab this week? No, because that Sunni Arab Saddam Hussein was also unrated. Cuz he's dead.
winner: Ahmadinejad

al-Bashir vs Chavez
Omar al-Bashir of Sudan was #1 in Parade magazine. Besides his striking appearance to Michael Wilbon's father, he garnered the top spot for sitting on a genocide. Venezuela's Hugo Chavez didn't make the list because technically he could be removed from power by legal means. The country did buy Verizon's stake in the television station CANTV, hoping to put it back under state control. Also, Venezuelan officials can now take control of food distribution if they so desire. Chavez is turning into an evil leader mastermind with all of these government controls and increased executive power. But the democratic loophole combined with al-Bashir's lofty rank in the world of worst dictators, makes the outcome of this contest clear.
winner: al-Bashir

Lukashenko vs Mugabe
Alexander Lukashenko was ranked 14th. He continues to try to forge ties between Belarus and Iran. Robert Mugabe was rated 7th by Parade magazine because "under his rule the health and well-being of his people have dropped dramatically, which is as much an abuse of human rights as arbitrary arrest and torture." That's not evilness; that's incompetence! And for some reason he dropped from 4th last year, even though the condition in Zimbabwe has deteriorated to a tremendous degree within the year. Inflation in the country may have reached 1600% but Mugabe's win total goes up infinity percent after this one. Mugabe was 7 places better at being evil than Lukashenko, who didn't even get a mini bio or a picture in the magazine.
winner: Mugabe

standings:
Kim J-I 4-0
Chavez 3-1
Ahmad. 3-1
Lukash. 3-1
al-Bash. 2-2
Mugabe 1-3
Castro 0-4
Hussein 0-4

Season 1, Week 3

Results from Week 3 of the ELL:

Chavez vs Mugabe
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez keeps right on rolling. Chavez has something that the New York Times calls "Chavismo," which is better than Lou Gerhig's Disease, or so the article hints. Chavez has nationalized numerous industries and has declared rule by decree for the next 18 months. This is the stuff of Evil Leaders League legend. I can hear the debates already: Is Chavez a better evil leader than Peyton Manning is at quarterback?

Zimbabwe President Robert Mugabe hasn't been as lucky. His country's economy has experienced a steady slight decline for a while, but things have gotten drastically worse recently. Everyone in the medical profession is on strike and the lower-level police officers are contemplating rioting. Hyper-inflation has led to poverty for most of the country's residents and in a very short time. What is worse for Mugabe is that his party is blaming HIM! Many in his party are against his plan to extend his rule by 2 years. His party disagrees with him and is calling for elections soon; this is disastrous for an evil leader. Sounds like Zimbabwe may be on the road to... (gulp) DEMOCRACY?!
winner: Chavez

Kim vs al-Bashir
Kim Jong-Il of North Korea says that the three biggest fools of the 21st century are computer illiterates, smokers, and people who are tone-deaf. One of his sons is fat and lives in Macau. Omar al-Bashir of Sudan is trying to prevent United Nations peacekeepers from entering Darfur, the location of genocide. He will probably fail. Also, they gave the chair of the African Union to the leader of Ghana John Kufuor, instead of al-Bashir as he had hoped. Kim's benign (though insensitive) eccentricity leads him to victory in this one.
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs Castro
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hasn't done too much lately, but conservatives in America are scared shitless at what he might do. They tremble at the very mention of his name. Or at least tremble at the very attempt to pronounce his name. And he has an upcoming announcement scheduled for February 11th. Castro still has an artificial anus. In other Fidel Castro news, Miami, Florida could erupt in celebration when he dies. Also, the anti-Castro televisions station TV Marti is beaming to Cuba. Not being in power, Castro suffers defeat here.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Lukashenko vs Hussein
The president of Belarus, Alexander Lukashenko, claims that his opposition makes money from Westerners by opposing him. Calling political opponents corrupt, good idea. But his country stands to take a $5 billion hit because Russia increased its oil prices to the eastern European country. Lukashenko is trying to balance his anger and the potential trouble this may cause with his need for Russia as an ally. But he wins easily because Saddam Hussein is still dead.
winner: Lukashenko

standings:
Chavez 3-0
Kim J-I 3-0
Lukash. 3-0
Ahmad. 2-1
al-Bash. 1-2
Mugabe 0-3
Castro 0-3
Hussein 0-3

Season 1, Week 2

Week 2 of the ELL is heating up. Let's see how the evil leaders fared:

Ahmadinejad vs al-Bashir
The religious leadership of Iran told Ahmadinejad to "cut that nuclear aspiration shit out." Moderate Iranians fear that his determination for a nuclear program is only increasing their country's isolation within the international community. Ahmadinejad seems to have lost his political capital since his party suffered election defeats. Hey, evil leaders aren't supposed to worry about "political capital!" According to the Sudanese media, Omar al-Bashir might be the greatest thing since sliced bread (sliced bread being Sudan's most cherished import). He's going to take over leadership of the African Union and keep peace in Somalia. He has also been nicknamed "Mr. Triple 20" because of his proficient dart throwing.
winner: al-Bashir

Chavez vs Hussein
Hugo Chavez will shutdown an oppositional television station once its license runs out in May. Well played! Chavez has done a good job of silencing his opponents without causing too much international outrage over it. His problem is his ego; he demeaned U.S. Secretary of State, calling her a "little girl." There's very little upside to that remark, while it might just piss off the U.S. unnecessarily. However, Chavez keeps rolling because his opponent, Saddam Hussein, is dead.
winner: Chavez

Kim vs Mugabe
Zimbabwe's president, Robert Mugabe, is witnessing the demise of his political party, ZANU-PF. He claims that if he steps down, his party will lose its next election. It's smart for the 82 year old to try to claim that he's important, but his evil leader clout is waning with a sentiment like this. Fading political parties don't help in this league, unless it's those of your opponents. Meanwhile, Kim Jong-Il was allegedly given money by the United Nations and is planning a trip to Seoul in the spring. Coincidence? Almost certainly. But a trip to Seoul is cool. Kim also just bought all ten seasons of Friends on DVD.
winner: Kim

Lukashenko vs Castro
Russia has raised natural gas and oil prices for Belarus. Belarus' President Lukashenko says that this will result in a tough 3 to 4 years for his citizens. Despite Lukashenko's negotiating loss while asking Russia for its energy prices to remain low, he comes out looking good. He has blamed the suckiness of his subjects' future lives on Russia and their high energy prices. Plus, he has vowed to continue to attempt to find ways to lower energy prices. He comes across as a champion for his people. Fidel Castro no longer has control over Cuba and reportedly has an artificial anus. A good way to lose in the ELL is to have things shoved up your ass.
winner: Lukashenko

standings:
Chavez 2-0
Kim J-I 2-0
Lukash. 2-0
al-Bash. 1-1
Ahmad. 1-1
Mugabe 0-2
Castro 0-2
Hussein 0-2

Season 1, Week 1

This league will consist of 8 evil leaders, who will win and lose their matchups based on their actions. They earn wins be being more evil leaderish than their opponent. This is a round-robin league, much like the English Premier League soccer, not a tournament. This season's Evil Leaders League (ELL) is dedicated to Slobodan Milosevic and Augusto Pinochet.

Let's meet the competitors:
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - president of Iran since 2005.
Kim Jong-Il - leader of North Korea since 1994.
Hugo Chavez - president of Venezuela since 1999.
Omar al-Bashir - president of Sudan, ruling since 1989.
Alexander Lukashenko - president of Belarus since 1994.
Fidel Castro - president of Cuba, ruling since 1959.
Saddam Hussein - president of Iraq from 1979-2003.
Robert Mugabe - president of Zimbabwe, ruling since 1980.

Week 1
Ahmadinejad vs Mugabe
Ahmadinejad's recent meetings with Hugo Chavez, solidifying their anti-American evilness, more than makes up for his party's struggles in the election late last year. Mugabe extended his term as leader of Zimbabwe until 2010, but has made plans to divide executive power, deflating his own authority. That's pretty weak for an evil leader.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Lukashenko vs al-Bashir
Lukashenko won his election by about 100%, which is good for him, but his power might be thinned thanks to efforts to infiltrate Belarus with independent media via Radio Racja stationed in Poland- never a good prospect for an evil leader. However, Omar al-Bashir is in trouble as the world protests his alleged involvement in the Darfur region of Sudan. Genocide is always a plus for an evil dictator, until somebody notices.
winner: Lukashenko

Chavez vs Castro
Overall, Chavez wishes he was Castro. But times have changed. Fidel has transferred de facto power of Cuba to his brother Raul. That hurts his stock big time. Meanwhile, Chavez's meeting with Ahmadinejad is just a continuation of his accession in the world of anti-Americanism; he's making a challenge for the top spot. He labels America as an evil imperialist nation, controls oil production from Venezuela, and wants to help the poor. Helping the poor is underrated for evil leaders. Hey, someone's gotta support your evil-doing.
winner: Chavez

Kim vs Hussein
Kim Jong-Il had all that hubbub with nuclear weapons not too long ago. Nuclear weapons are an evil leader's dream, because it gives him political capital on the world stage. Saddam Hussein is dead and likely to have a rough season ahead of him.
winner: Kim

standings:
Chavez 1-0
Kim J-I 1-0
Ahmad. 1-0
Lukash. 1-0
al-Bash. 0-1
Mugabe 0-1
Castro 0-1
Hussein 0-1