Season 4 Review

This has been a wonderful season for the Evil Leaders League. ELL fans across the land have said that this campaign gave them a number of smiling cringes. And why wouldn't it have. There is plenty of smile-worthy and cringe-worthy stuff in Season 4 of the ELL. I'd like to thank our fans, our evil leaders, but most of all, the oppressed peoples of the world, because without them, there would be no Evil Leaders League.

The Champion - Omar al-Bashir 6-1 (2-0) [all-time: 22-6 (6-1)]
Omar al-Bashir won his third championship in the four season history of the ELL. He is the ELL version of the Houston Comets of the WNBA. Omar al-Bashir has presided over a genocide in the Darfur region of Sudan for a while now. But this season he brought something new, an indictment on charges of genocide by the ICC. A person committing a genocide and then be charged with the very same crime. How ironic! A little too ironic. In the wake of the financial crisis in the U.S., George Bush could learn a thing or two from al-Bashir about presidential leadership during a tough time. Even in the face of unspeakable tragedy, al-Bashir has the courage to dance the night away, a playful reminder to Darfuri citizens that in every life we have some trouble, but when you worry you make it double, don't worry, be happy.

Check out the best out-of-context lines from this season in the Highlights section.

The Challengers
Than Shwe 7-0 (1-1) - The Burmese and Myanmar military junta leader made his subjects suffer, which incidentally, happens to be his fetish.
Hugo Chavez 4-3 (0-1) [17-11 (1-3)] - The Venezuelan president is the Lindsey Lohan of being addicted to nationalizing things.
Kim Jong-Il 5-2 (0-1) [18-10 (3-3)] - Who knows if the North Korean leader is alive or not, but he sure is evil.
Nursultan Nazarbayev 3-4 - You'd think having so many letters in his name would've got him relegated, but his hatred of democracy keeps him in the league for another season.

The Relegated
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 2-5 [15-13 (1-2)] - It's always sad to see a long time favorite leave, but the second most powerful man of a poor- though boisterous- nation can only stay in the ELL for so long.
Pervez Musharraf 1-6 [6-8 (0-1)] - Resigning from the presidency of Pakistan doesn't help one's evil clout.
Felipe Calderon 0-7 - The conservative pro-U.S. president of Mexico is about as evil as an ambitious immigrant, but he is more of an elitist.

Some Facts and Figures:
Uses of the word during the fourth ELL season - some variation of the word "evil" 45 times; "ass" 3 times; "fuck" or "shit" amazingly zero times; "pimp" 1 time; "anal" 3 times "democracy" 6 times.

5 genocides in Game 1 of the ELL Finals
4 times Hitler came up either explicitly or implicitly
3 references to either anal herpes or anal warts
2 inexplicable mentions of tacos
1 dump each on the Jewish parody rapper formerly known as 50 Shekel, Gaylord Perry's rookie card, and Frank Stallone.

Join us next season for more Evil Leaders League action.

Season 4, ELL Finals Game 3

Here it is. The final contest of Season 4 of the Evil Leaders League. Will Omar al-Bashir capture his third championship in the fourth ELL season or will Than Shwe grab his first in as many tries? Let's get the result.

al-Bashir vs Shwe
One of the reasons there were calls to boycott the Olympics in China was because of their support for Omar al-Bashir's Sudanese government. That's like condemning Gandhi because his brother was a dick. Ghana is asking their president, John Kufuor, to disallow entry into their country for Mr. Bashir and it's not because Omar smells. The ICC is still on al-Bashir's ass just because he happens to be responsible for a few hundred thousand deaths. Chalk it up to a youthful indiscretion. Hey, aren't we all entitled to make a few hundred thousand mistakes without being indicted on charges of genocide?

Than Shwe kills Buddhist monks in Burma and he kills Buddhist monks in Myanmar. It's just his thing. Now the anniversary of a major crackdown against the protesting monks is near and Shwe and his military junta are ready to roll (over the monks with their tanks if need be). Every once in a while, Shwe has this weird sensation in the pit of his stomach. It's a tingly feeling. But he can't quite seem to articulate it. Because there's no Burmese word for "guilt." But there are plenty of Burmese words for murderous dictator. Two of them are "Than" and "Shwe."
winner: al-Bashir
series: al-Bashir 2-1

Congratulations to Omar al-Bashir for winning his third championship in four Evil Leaders League seasons! The season in review extravaganza is still to come.

Season 4, ELL Finals Game 2

Can Than Shwe end the Evil Leaders League season today or will Omar al-Bashir force a deciding Game 3? Let's find out.

Shwe vs al-Bashir
The Burmese leader from Myanmar is Than Shwe. On Tuesday, Shwe ordered the release of numerous prisoners, included famed politic dissident, Win "Tin" Tin. Shwe personally freed Tin and gave him a doggy biscuit for being such a "good boy." While releasing those prisoners, Shwe's henchman were rounding up other political opponents, including Lassie Wei and Scooby Du. So ultimately, Shwe just broke even this time around. Evil leaders want to be breaking things, but not even.

Because of the crisis in Darfur, the Sudanese president, Omar al-Bashir, has stopped his media tour and rushed to Khartoum to try and solve the genocide. Due to the crisis, al-Bashir wants to postpone the debate within the country until a time after the crisis has been resolved. The Sudanese autocrat claims this move is above politics. He assures that the time to talk has passed, now is the time to grandstand. People are dying and they need a leader who shuns them and refuses to express his ideas on the subject to the public. It's called being a maverick. Oh, that Omar al-Bashir is callous to his soul and evil to the bone. Well played.
winner: al-Bashir
series: Tied 1-1

Season 4, ELL Finals Game 1

As always, the ELL Finals is a best out of three affair (first competitor to reach two victories grabs the title) with a quick turn-around. Than Shwe, the Burmese leader of Myanmar, is in his first season while Sudan's Omar al-Bashir is gunning for his third ELL championship in his fourth playoff appearance. This is the best matchup the ELL Finals has ever seen as the two participants went a combined 13-1 during the regular season.

al-Bashir vs Shwe
Omar al-Bashir has no idea how many houses he owns, but he knows exactly how many genocides he's perpetrated. One; against the people of Darfur. For those concerned that the genocide might be losing steam, al-Bashir assures you, "The fundamentals of the genocide are strong." When questioned about his statement in wake of his ICC indictment on that very charge, al-Bashir clarified to say that he meant the people carrying out the genocide, the Janjaweed militia, are strong. Particularly because they have guns and all the Darfuri civilians have is malnutrition.

Than Shwe would love to perpetrate a genocide as Burma's Buddhist monks have learned the hard way. But a vicious cyclone wiped out much of the population over the summer, which has made it hard to commit one. Shwe has decided to put on a mock election, just to stick it to the country's democracy-hugging, arugula-eating elitists. He's labeled the first primary, Cyclone Tuesday. His platform will consist of two major points. On the domestic front, his administration has reduced crime, by allowing thousands of people to die in the aftermath of the cyclone because Shwe wouldn't allow aid agencies to enter the country. People tend to like safer streets. Touting his foreign policy credentials, he claims that Burma is near Russia. Then, Shwe went ahead with the election and won with 100% of the vote. The vote total was 1 for Than Shwe, 0 for everyone else in the country.
winner: Shwe
series: Shwe 1-0

Season 4, Semis 2nd Leg

The winners of each contest will face each other in the ELL Finals for the championship. Let's see who that will be.

Shwe vs Chavez
Than Shwe leads Myanmar, a.k.a. the country formerly known as Burma. The United Nations is determined to iron out an agreement with Shwe. Shwe is determined to iron out the face of opposition leader Aung San Suu Kyi. The military junta-tarian is also considering following in the footsteps of Bengals Wide Receiver Chad Johnson by changing his name to "Greater Than Shwe" because it would piss off Head Coach Marvin Lewis.

Hugo Chavez is not only the president of Venezuela, he's also a painter. His last painting sold for $250,000 and was bought by the triumvirate of Sean Penn, Danny Glover, and Cindy Sheehan. Chavez also received a letter from the ailing Fidel Castro. The letter read in part, "Dear Hugo, Please don't get shot. I like butterflies. Sometim... fjgksolftrldkfgkldklgggggggggggggggg." Apparently, old Strokey McCastro had a relapse in the middle of dictating the letter.
winner 2nd leg: Shwe by 7
winner overall: Shwe by 18

al-Bashir vs Kim
Omar al-Bashir runs Sudan for now. He also runs the genocide in Darfur. Recently, Holocaust scholars have come out against him. The last person Holocaust scholars publicly condemned had a funny little mustache and liked to yell things in German. Of course, I'm referring to David Hasselhoff back in college. So, this is not a good sign for al-Bashir. Kim Jong-Il will head North Korea as long as he stays alive. Both the United States and South Korea do not possess a strategy for a post-Kim North Korea. That means that they hope he lives and stays in power. When your most ardent enemies want you to stay in power, you've lost your evil edge. Kim is like a porn star with ED. A sad sight indeed.
winner 2nd leg: al-Bashir by 30
winner overall: al-Bashir by 40

Season 4, Semis 1st Leg

We've finally reached the playoffs. That pause for the Olympics was obnoxious, wasn't it? Here is the point where the heavy hitters of evilness are ready to do battle for the most malevolent title in the land, the ELL championship. Now up is the semifinals, which will consist of two legs, best aggregate score wins. Let's get the results.

Chavez vs Shwe
Hugo Chavez, the president of Venezuela, is an evil guy in his own right. Opposition parties consider the state media coverage unfair. Shockingly, they believe that the state media favors the people in charge of the state. But the media isn't the only entity Chavez has nationalized in an attempt to create his Socialist paradise. He's nationalized the fuel industry, the pornography industry, puppies, head lice, your grandmother, Wednesdays, foot odor, and genital warts but not anal warts because Mitt Romney has a pretty good hold on that industry.

Than Shwe is the military ruler of Myanmar and Burma. In Myanmar, Shwe jails and kills dissenters. Aung San Suu Kyi is one of those jailed dissenters. Shwe denies that Suu Kyi is on a hunger strike protesting the lack of freedom in the country. Shwe asked the question, "Is it a hunger strike if we don't feed her? Of course not. There is no indication that she is performing a hunger strike." In Burma, Shwe refuses to allow aid agencies to work unfettered to help its struggling citizenry. Chavez might be an evil guy, but Shwe is evil enough for two countries. Two is better than one.
winner: Shwe by 11

Kim vs al-Bashir
Kim Jong-Il is the reclusive leader of North Korea. If he hasn't been dead for the last five years, as a Japanese professor reported, then he at least might be on his way. He collapsed last month according to Chinese sources. The cause of the collapse is believed to be related to the episode of Friends where Ross cheats on Rachel and then justifies it by claiming that they were on a break. When Kim awoke, he was comforted by the fact that his subjects are still impoverished, often dying of starvation, and that Ross and Rachel would eventually get back together.

Omar al-Bashir reigns over Sudan. It seems love is in the air for al-Bashir. I always hear women say there are no good men anymore; well ladies, I present Omar al-Bashir. He's very successful, running his own country since the late 1980s. He's ambitious, refusing to stop massacring the people of Darfur until someone forcibly stops him. But he's not all about work either, girls. He's quite a dancer and is an excellent dart thrower. But his passion is hunting (black Africans). So stop falling for the wrong guy- men who will "treat you with respect"- and give Omar a call.
winner: al-Bashir by 10

Season 4, Week 7

All season long, we've watched these competitors reach down deep and pull out moments of evilness that have left us breathless (and have left some headless). We've come to the last week of the regular season and our participants will try to make it work one last time. Let's get the results.

Chavez vs Calderon
The President of Venezuela is named Hugo Chavez. Despite being a radical leftist, the daughter of his vice president just had a baby, even though she's been married for years. What a hypocrite! When he's not shopping at Babies R Us, which was recently nationalized, Chavez is threatening to expel the U.S. ambassador to Venezuela. Chavez is angry that Ambassador Patrick Duddy- who was not the dad in Step By Step, but did enjoy the show- keeps mentioning the lack on democracy in Venezuela. If Chavez decides not to expel Duddy, he'll at least nationalize him. Mexico's President Felipe Calderon is the most threatening Spanish speaker to the United States since Jose Jimenez. After the President's army of illegal immigrants takes over the United States government, he'll introduce himself as such: "My name... Felipe Calderon. I your president new."
winner: Chavez

Ahmadinejad vs Musharraf
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the first term president of Iran, and Bolivia's Evo Morales have become strong allies. Guess what Ahmadinejad, to quote Danny Ainge, "Che is not walking through that door. Simon Bolivar is not walking through that door. An arsenal of nuclear weapons is not walking through that door." Give it up. Pervez Musharraf used to be the president of Pakistan until two weeks ago. Now, he's just some guy. Musharraf's resignation has made Indian political cartoonists very sad. Now they have to resort to lambasting their own corrupt public officials. Though not the most powerful man in his country, at least Ahmadinejad doesn't have to pick up his own dry cleaning yet. When that day comes, he'll call Musharraf for advice.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Kim vs Nazarbayev
North Korea's feisty little leader is Kim Jong-Il, whether he's dead or not. There have been reports that he died five years ago. Either way, Kim is flexing his evil muscle (no, not his penis). If he's alive, it always helps to keep the enemy guessing. But if he's dead, he has reigned over his terrorized population and taunted the world's global powers from beyond the grave. That would be legendarily evil. The war between Russia and Georgia was beneficial to Kazakhstan’s autocratic president, Nursultan Nazarbayev. He can afford to manufacture a bit of leverage over his country's former master, Russia. If it provokes even stronger tensions between Russia and the U.S. then Kazakhstan's strategic importance might become so high, that Nazarbayev could follow in the footsteps of Islam Karimov and boil his opponents without consequence. War to an evil leader is like ice cream to a cranky toddler. But we know Nazarbayev is alive.
winner: Kim

al-Bashir vs Shwe
For the first time in ELL history, we will have an undefeated leader after the final week of the regular season. The question is: which one? Omar al-Bashir is a two-time ELL champion and the ruler of Sudan. Omar al-Bashir might be prosecuted by the ICC on charges of genocide in Darfur after all. If he does face a trial, his only request is he wants a more comfortable cage than the ones provided to Saddam Hussein and Adolph Eichmann. Oh, and preferably Marcia Clark and Chris Darden could be the prosecuting attorneys.

Than Shwe not only leads the military junta that rules over Myanmar, but he leads the military junta that rules over Burma. This is his first season in the ELL and he has yet to lose. Shwe unveiled a new slogan to the department of tourism, "It's so nice, we named the country twice." Shwe added to the slogan, "Regardless, you're not invited." The crisis in Burma remains static, which is coincidently also the new torture method Shwe has instituted against the enemy Buddhist monks. The monks should have known the wool carpeting installed in their prison cells was too good to be true.
winner: Shwe

standings:
T Shwe 7-0
al-Bash 6-1
Kim J-I 5-2
Chavez 4-3
Nazarba 3-4
Ahmad 2-5
Mushar 1-6
Caldero 0-7

Season 4, Week 6

The Olympics are over and nothing evil happened. No wars, no coups, no human rights violations, and no affairs involving former presidential candidates cheating on their terminally ill wife. Thankfully, the Olympics are over now and evil has exploded back onto the scene. Let evil ring in every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city! Let's get the results from this week.

Musharraf vs Kim
Pervez Musharraf resigned as the President of Pakistan last week. He's still the "king of the throne" in his own bathroom, however. "All turds bow before the mighty monarch Musharraf! You don't like my decree? Well then... FLUSH!" Musharraf's wife is currently searching for a psycho-therapist for her recently deposed husband. One question you might be wondering is what caused Musharraf to resign? There can only be one answer: the Evil Leaders League! North Korea's Kim Jong-Il hasn't resigned from his post as leader for life. Instead, he greeted returning failed Olympians with imprisonment until they learn to stick the dismount (regardless of the sport).
winner: Kim

Nazarbayev vs Ahmadinejad
Kazakhstan's President Nursultan Nazarbayev has a big admirer named Bill Clinton. Despite the absence of political dissent in the land of the Kazakhs, Clinton thinks Nazarbayev is a pretty swell guy. A reporter asked Clinton, "Don't you think silencing dissent is wrong?" Clinton retorted, "It depends upon what the meaning of the word is is." When asked what he thought it meant, he replied, "I hope it means a blowjob from Nursultan's hot wife." To which Nazarbayev laughed and advised Clinton to do with her what he wished.

Iran's little leader is named Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The Ayatollah, the supreme leader of Iran, gave Ahmadinejad's political fortunes a boost by endorsing him for a second term as president. To put that in American terms, that endorsement is a little below one from Ronald Reagan, but better than one from Clay Aiken. The Ayatollah criticized Ahmadinejad for allowing inflation to rise too high, which is slowing down Iran's pretend pursuit of nuclear weapons.
winner: Nazarbayev

Shwe vs Chavez
Than Shwe is the only leader in this league who rules two countries, Burma and Myanmar. Some "experts" might argue that Burma and Myanmar are the same country, but they're probably just arugula-eating elitists. Shwe recently met with UN special envoy Ibrahim Gambari. Gambari realized that he was wasting his time in meeting with the dictator when Shwe blurted out that he enjoys killing Buddhist monks because it makes him feel like a big man. Shwe likes to tell the Buddhist riddle: If a Buddhist monk falls in the woods, does he make a sound? Hugo Chavez is the leader of Venezuela. He is seriously considering changing the name of his nation to Socialzuela. Just recently, he nationalized a Mexican cement company and the tip of his own penis.
winner: Shwe

Calderon vs al-Bashir
Mexicanese President Felipe Calderon has thought up an innovative way to fight crime. He's created anti-abduction squads. Before criminals are able to kidnap people, these squads will do it first. Then, the anti-abduction squads will train the people to invade the United States by way of illegal immigration. Does Felipe Calderon's evilness know no bounds? Only a giant wall will extinguish this man's pure evil genius. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir claims that his hands are tied when it comes to stopping the violence in the Darfur region. Then he lifted up a pair of bound hands from a Darfuri citizen and said, "See!" Afterward he laughed so heartily a little bit of pee came out. Next, he used the detached hands to scratch his ass before tossing them into the garbage, going back into his office, and taking a nap.
winner: al-Bashir

standings:
al-Bash 6-0
T Shwe 6-0
Kim J-I 4-2
Nazarba 3-3
Chavez 3-3
Ahmad 1-5
Mushar 1-5
Caldero 0-6

Season 4, Week 5

This is the last week of evil action before we break for the Olympics, because we all know that nothing evil happens during the Olympics. Let's get the results.

Musharraf vs Chavez
When Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf ended his 8 year run as military dictator of the country in 2007, he became just a regular dictator. All that means is he lost his 20% discount at all Army Ranger Surplus outlets. For many years he was able to play a double game, where he was a staunch U.S. ally in the war on terror while allowing the ISI to continue supporting Islamic militant groups. But as my anal herpes prove, all double games eventually end; sometimes very painfully. Hugo Chavez of Venezuela runs a socialist nation. But not the good kind of socialism. His type doesn't include hairy collegiate girls who will sleep with you. Instead, his version focuses on the whole nationalize everything so we can centralize power aspect of socialism. Frankly, I like the hairy college girls variety better.
winner: Chavez

Kim vs Calderon
Kim Jong-Il, the leader of North Korea, is only slightly less popular in South Korea than his southern counterpart, Lee Myung Bak, but its not from a lack of trying. Kim has threatened to expel all South Koreans from the North. The reason for such a threat? No, not Frank Stallone. The North killed a South Korean housewife who was touring Mt. Kumgang. Kim is like the guy who rapes you and tells you it was for your own good. Every woman is thinking about a guy they know like that right now. Mexico's President Felipe Calderon is a shrewd customer. He's planning an invasion of the U.S. When asked what part of Mexico his ancestors are from, comedian George Lopez responds, "Los Angeles, bitch!" Calderon is planning a strategy that will have American comedians making the opposite joke in just a few short years. Beware! Stop eating tacos, you're only encouraging them!
winner: Kim

al-Bashir vs Nazarbayev
Sudan's leader Omar al-Bashir was indicted for genocide by the ICC recently. South Africa's Thabo Mbeki (Robert Mugabe's bff) rejects the ICC's ruling. Nowadays, an endorsement from Mbeki only increases one's evilness. Omar's next step is to seek out the friendship of Gary Busey. Despite how Borat portrays Kazakhstan, President Nursultan Nazarbayev will tell you that his land is not backwards and not filled with bigots. In fact, Nazarbayev just now condemned the misogynist commentary of the first two ELL contests this week. Then he had a hooker lashed 50 times for not buckling her seatbelt while she blew him the backseat of his massive presidential limousine. He's a stickler for safety.
winner: al-Bashir

Ahmadinejad vs Shwe
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the Iranian president, continues to claim that he will resist all attempts to stop his glorious nuclear program. He's always talking about his nuclear program. He's that guy. At McDonald's, he responds to whether or not he would like fries with that by saying, "Yeah, working on my awesome nuclear program has made me in the mood for some fry'age." Listen Mahmoud, if you keep mentioning it, it makes it a lot less evil. Now people have even questioned whether he's simply trying to stir up national pride to distract Iranians from their crumbling economy. Myanmar (and Burma) is led by a military man named Than Shwe. Not only does he treat democracy like a disease, but he kills Buddhist monks, which are the best kind of monks. The Dalai Lama has said that Shwe reminds him of a "goat's sphincter."
winner: Shwe

standings:
al-Bash 5-0
T Shwe 5-0
Kim J-I 3-2
Chavez 3-2
Nazarba 2-3
Ahmad 1-4
Mushar 1-4
Caldero 0-5

Season 4, Week 4

This week's evil action goes out to terrible Jewish parody rapper turned terrible Christian rapper, 50 Shekel. May your anal herpes flare up at an inopportune moment. Let's get the results for Week 4.

Ahmadinejad vs Kim
Iran's hairy little president goes by the name of Mahmoud P. Ahmadinejad. The P stands for pimp. Ahmadinejad has further attempted to ruffle the feathers of the U.S. by claiming that Iran possesses 6,000 centrifuges. He also claims that he has 6 pairs of Lindsey Lohan's unwashed panties, 14 of Hitler’s mustache combs, and a Gaylord Perry rookie card, so take it for what it's worth. He has vowed to never give in the demands of the U.S. and the Europeans... unless, you know, they ask nicely. North Korea's leader Kim Jong-Il might show up at the Beijing Olympics. He likes the rhythmic gymnastics and the ballroom dancing. His appearance just might end the Olympics as we know it. If only rhythmic gymnastics and ballroom dancing weren't Olympic sports, we could have avoided this potential catastrophe.
winner: Kim

Shwe vs. Musharraf
In Myanmar, when you're the leader of a military junta, you're also the leader of the country. The same is true in Burma. Than Shwe fits the bill in both. Shwe would help his ravaged country in the aftermath of a devastating cyclone, but he just enjoys watching people suffer so damn much. He has the shower scene in Schindler's List on a perpetual loop. When he's not watching that, or Hotel Rwanda, he loves Nancy Grace's show. Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf is Joe Frazier to parliament's Muhammad Ali. Musharraf keeps pounding away at the government body, while parliament is attacking the head. Musharraf might sack the government and might, in turn, find his headless body in a sack. For right now, Musharraf is floating like a wounded butterfly and clinging (to power) like a (queen) bee.
winner: Shwe

Chavez vs al-Bashir
Hugo Chavez runs things in Venezuela. Oh, he's plenty evil, but he's been a little ineffective lately. He won't get his precious proxy war with the U.S. via Colombia just yet. He's seen his coalition break apart just before upcoming elections. While Chavez might have scored the proverbial own goal this week, he probably won't meet the same fate as the 1994 Colombian World Cup team's former defender, Andres Escobar... yet. Sudan's leader, Omar al-Bashir rejects the International Criminal Court's indictment of him for the crime of genocide. If only Adolph Eichman had thought of that, he might still be relaxing on the coast of Argentina with the rest of his buddies from the "good ole days."
winner: al-Bashir

Nazarbayev vs Calderon
Kazakhstan's president is Nursultan Nazarbayev. Nur means "born to;" sultan means "rule;" Nazar means "in an autocratic;" baye means "manner;" and v means "and drinks his own pee." His former royal residence is being demolished next week. Maybe that's why Sacha Baron Cohen received a curious official request to visit the building next week. Hmm. The president of Mexico is Felipe Calderon. Most Mexicans believe the government is losing the war against the drug mafia. Of course, it's all part of Calderon's plan to invade the U.S. with immigrants and eventually take over OUR country. I believe he’s also responsible for Antonio Margarito's shocking victory over Miguel Cotto. I'm not sure how that plays into his overall plan, but I'll think of something.
winner: Nazarbayev

standings:
al-Bash 4-0
T Shwe 4-0
Nazarba 2-2
Kim J-I 2-2
Chavez 2-2
Ahmad 1-3
Mushar 1-3
Caldero 0-4

Season 4, Week 3

It's been an eventful week for our heroically evil leaders. When it comes to the ELL, don't settle for substitutes. Are there any substitute ELL sites? Anyway, let's check the results.

Nazarbayev vs Musharraf
Kazakhstan's president is a man named Nursultan Nazarbayev. Nazarbayev will chair Europe's OSCE in 2010 and he's preparing for it by tearing up his collection of Thomas Jefferson's writings. It's not the slavery part of Jefferson's work that is the trouble, it's the democracy part. Nazarbayev would prefer that democracy went the way of the typewriter or the French Tickler. There aren't as many French Ticklers as I encountered in my youth. Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf told his ministers that he powders his balls. Somehow that made Musharraf even more unlikable in his country. The extremists felt that nut-powdering was unIslamic, but most just felt it was weird. And weirder that he told them.
winner: Nazarbayev

Chavez vs Ahmadinejad
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela even has an evil smirk. Apparently, the rescue of hostages out of Colombia was a setback for the wet... forget it, that's not appropriate (for a few reasons). When the release of hostages hurts you politically, generally you're an evil fellow. His ex-wife hates him. That's not so evil. But she hates him to the point where she's become politically active for the opposition. Now all Hugo Chavez has to do is "do away with her" and he'll be an evil legend. Chavez has called for Latin American unity. Who are they unifying against? The United States is a good guess. He also powders his cojones with cocaine. Just for good measure. Musharraf gave him the idea.

Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad showed his evil clout by firing missiles that could carry a nuclear weapon (if Iran had one). That could be damaging because the U.S. and Israel don't have such technol... never mind. Despite this test, Bush sent a diplomatic envoy to Iran and asked Israel not to invade unilaterally. Diplomacy is evil leader suicide. Don't take the bait Mahmoud. Stay evil, brother!
winner: Chavez

Calderon vs Shwe
There's a sign in Manassas, Virginia that claims illegal immigrants deserve to be treated like human beings- no doubt part of a ploy perpetrated by Mexican President Felipe Calderon. We must resist these illegal aliens. Don't be fooled by E.T., these aliens are not cute nor harmless. They are job-stealing, taco-consuming, salsa-dancing monsters. The United Nations is set to press Than Shwe of Myanmar/Burma to open up his country to democracy. Shwe wouldn't even open up his country to foreign aid workers after the devastating cyclone, so you can shove that idea up your ass, U.N. Shwe uses U.N. treaties to wipe sweat off of his perpetually perspiring posterior. Use powder, Than.
winner: Shwe

al-Bashir vs Kim
The International Criminal Court indicted Sudan's Omar al-Bashir on charges of genocide. He will hire a Dream Team of lawyers, including F. Ali Bailey, Johnnie Muhammad Cochran, and Robert bin Shapiro, according to Sudan's minister of information, Kato Kaelin. Kim-Jong-Il, North Korea's cream-of-the-crop, recently shot a South Korean tourist. Well, he didn't actually shoot her, he has hired guards for... BREAKING NEWS: Omar al-Bashir is in the backseat of his Ford Bronco as it slowly zooms down the Khartoum Freeway. The driver is his friend Ahmad al-Cowlings. We have al-Cowlings on the phone.
"Hello. I've got O.B. in the backseat holding a gun to his head."
"Who is this?"
"This is A.C. You know who this is, dammit!"
We'll stay with this story as long as possible.
winner: al-Bashir

standings
al-Bash 3-0
T Shwe 3-0
Chavez 2-1
Kim J-I 1-2
Ahmad 1-2
Mushar 1-2
Nazarba 1-2
Caldero 0-3

Season 4, Week 2

One of the most important aspects of any evil leader's job is dishing out brutal treatment of minorities. One of the most popular minorities to persecute across the world is the Jews. So here are the results of the ELL's Jewish-themed week.

Musharraf vs al-Bashir
Pakistani President Musharraf is not a popular man. His detractors have claimed that he's in bed with the Jews. Not literally. He's no Imran Khan. But the leader of a country that is possibly harboring Osama Bin Laden does not want to be seen as a Jew-lover. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir is another Muslim leader. He believes that the Jews are behind the attempt to send UN peace-keepers into genocide-laden Darfur. No, it wasn't meant to be a compliment. Apparently, al-Bashir also makes secret trips to Israel. This contest is really falling apart. Two Muslim leaders of nations with militant fundamentalists, and we can't get even a decent dose of anti-Semitism. Well, at least al-Bashir claims that Jews control U.S. foreign policy. It's a hackneyed accusation, but at least it's something.
winner: al-Bashir

Shwe vs Kim
Than Shwe leads Burma a.k.a. Myanmar. Whatever you call the country, there are only 20 Jews left within its borders and they're terrified for their lives. That is more like the anti-Semitism I was expecting! Kim Jong-Il looks a little bit like my grandmother, but that's as close as North Korea comes to anything Jewish. Apparently, Kim is not a fan of Itzhak Perlman, which is why he trades military secrets with enemies of Israel. Maybe North Korea actually trades with other rogue nations because the global community views them as pariah states and so it's their only choice. Eh no, that's not it. My Itzhak Perlman theory makes more sense.
winner: Shwe

Ahmadinejad vs Calderon
Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is responsible for the worst atrocities the Jews have ever had to endure. Hitler couldn't hold Ahmadinejad's left nut (and that's the unclean nut). He's denied the Holocaust (specifically saying, "I didn't care much for Life is Beautiful"), he's massacred Jews from the comfort of his own home (he plays World of Warcraft against a bunch of nerdy Heebs from Boca Raton), and he's threatened to nuke Israel into oblivion (despite the lack of firepower stronger than a cherry bomb). Felipe Calderon is the President of Mexico. He condemned an old resolution from 1975 that linked Zionism with racism. That's really weak, hombre. But he has enlisted his army of Mexican laborers to steal the landscaping jobs that once belonged to the Jews.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Nazarbayez vs Chavez
Nursultan Nazarbayev of Kazakhstan really let me down here. He is another leader of a Muslim country, yet he is considered a friend of Israel and the Jews. I had prepared myself for the especially heinous anti-Semitism coming out of the Muslim world that I always hear about in the American and Israeli press and, well, I have been woefully disappointed. Nothing can make me feel better. But wait. Venezuela's Hugo Chavez has called Colombia "the Israel of Latin America," because both are the primary aggressors in their respective regions. Jackpot! That has all of the features of dynamite anti-Semitism. It's original. It's nonsensical. It makes it local. It's a completely unnecessary shot at the Jews. It's totally unfair to Israel. It's new. It's fresh. Thank you Hugo Chavez, for restoring my faith in evil leaders' anti-Semitism.
winner: Chavez

standings:
al-Bash 2-0
T Shwe 2-0
Kim J-I 1-1
Ahmad 1-1
Mushar 1-1
Chavez 1-1
Caldero 0-2
Nazarba 0-2

Season 4, Week 1

This is the fourth season of the Evil Leaders League. The league will continue to consist of 8 evil leaders. Five participants are returning from last season and three are new. This is a round-robin league, much like the English Premier League soccer, not a tournament. There will be a playoffs at the end of the regular season. This season's Evil Leaders League (ELL) is dedicated to Ian Smith.

Let's meet the competitors:
Kim Jong-Il - leader in North Korea since 1994. Champion last season.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - president of Iran since 2005. Finished 2nd.
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Finished 3rd.
Pervez Musharraf - president of Pakistan since 1999. Finished 4th
Hugo Chavez - president of Venezuela since 1999. Finished 5th.
Nursultan Nazarbayev - president of Kazakhstan since 1991. New.
Than Shwe - leader of Myanmar since 1992. New.
Felipe Calderón - President of Mexico since 2006. New.

Week 1
Kim vs Chavez
A stunning turn of events has occurred since North Korea's ruler Kim Jong-Il won last season's ELL championship. Kim destroyed some of his nuclear weapons facilities. George Bush said he will now ask Congress to take North Korea off of the list of state-sponsors of terrorism within 45 days. Absolutely amazing. It's like when a wrestler that you've hated all of his career suddenly becomes a fan-favorite and as a result, he loses all of his contests. Venezuela's Hugo Chavez is coming off of a relatively bad evil season and a mixed offseason. He was about to go to war with Colombia, but decided to agree to disagree with Colombian president Alvaro Uribe. He looks at $4.25 a gallon for gas in the U.S. compared to 12 cents in Venezuela and smiles. But his former allies within the country are starting to desert him. While Kim's country will soon come off of the state-sponsor of terrorism list, technically, it's still there.
winner: Kim

Calderon vs Musharraf
Mexico's Felipe Calderon is the mastermind behind a plot to chase all of his co-nationalists to the United States in order to steal our jobs. He is doing this by freezing rising food prices and fighting a war against drug smugglers. I bet he secretly sings the U.S. national anthem in Spanish, too. Pervez Musharraf, the President of Pakistan, is determined to crush Islamic terrorists. That's not evil; in fact, it's very Bush-like. But he is very unpopular in his own country. He could face impeachment soon, but refuses to relinquish power. Now we're talking, Pervez! Hanging on to power, no matter how ineffectual your leadership, oozes evil.
winner: Musharraf

Nazarbayev vs Shwe
When Nursultan Nazarbayev (say that five times fast) of Kazakhstan isn't criticizing the movie Borat or listening to his daughter lament the global "gaying up" of men (she hates the fauxhawk and collar-popping), the president is promising that his country won't have a one-party parliament. Why would he make such a promise? It's like when someone promises you, "I won't snort cocaine." You only have to make a promise like that if it's happened already. Myanmar or Burma has a military leader named Than Shwe. Since I only get my news from President Bush's State of the Union Addresses, I can tell you than Shwe is the worst person in the world. He's beefed up his evil credentials by not allowing foreign aid workers to help his subjects affected by the recent devastating cyclone. He's the Sammy Davis Jr. of evilness, an all-around performer.
winner: Shwe

al-Bashir vs Ahmadinejad
Sudan's Omar al-Bashir continues to implement his Final Solution in massacring the black people of his country. Hey, that's Hitler's thing! I've never been a fan of evil dick-riding. Get your own thing. The Ultimate Answer. The Last Result. You know, something original, something catchy. You want your murderous Jangaweed militia to keep your genocide going, don't you? Iran has a little leader with a big heart named Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. He is rooting for John McCain to win the presidency so he can stay in the ELL. If Barack Obama wins, Ahmadinejad will become irrelevant and even worse, face relegation. Thank Allah for Israel and their insatiable hatred of Iran. Ahmadinejad might just grab that elusive ELL championship yet.
winner: al-Bashir

Poor Robert Mugabe. He always steps up his evilness after he's relegated. Hopefully someday he'll time it right.

standings:
Kim J-I 1-0
al-Bash 1-0
Mushar 1-0
T Shwe 1-0
Nazarba 0-1
Caldero 0-1
Ahmad 0-1
Chavez 0-1