Silvio Berlusconi

Silvio Berlusconi finished his third non-consecutive term as the Prime Minister of Italy. This one began in 2008 and ended in disgrace in 2011. The Italian Grover Cleveland is an incompetent corrupt adulterer, who childishly derides anyone who disagrees with him, and has had ties to the mafia. He also happens to own most of Italy's media outlets and a few of their sports franchises. All of this sounds like an Italian grandmother's recipe for evil success, but a European autocrat is like a gangsta rapper repping Connecticut, it's hard to get credibility.


Overall record: 2-5
Season 7: 2-5

Playoffs: 0-0
Season 7: ---
Overall record against each opponent
Fun fact: I don't know why the attack against Silvio Berlusconi was such a big story. The rule is after every 10 scandals, you get hit in the face with a statuette of Milan Cathedral. It's right there in the Italian Constitution.

Hamid Karzai

Hamid Karzai has ruled Afghanistan since 2001. He's been wearing those hats for much longer. The one-time darling of the West recently stole his first election. He's prone to sobbing in public because Snooki won't answer his letters. He also has threatened to"switch sides" if he doesn't get more space from the U.S. Claiming that you will quit the presidency and join the Taliban unless the U.S. gets off your ass about the astronomical levels of corruption in you near decade-long administration was good enough for second place in Karzai's first ELL season.

Overall record: 5-2
Season 7: 5-2

Playoff record: 1-1
Season 7: 1-1
Overall record against each opponent

Fun fact: Most Afghans don't hate Hamid Karzai because he is a corrupt incompetent douchebag. They hate him because his nickname is Ham.

Evo Morales

Evo Morales has been reigning over Bolivia since 2006. That the anti-American is the first indigenous president- and has worked to help the poor, women, and the environment- might be a reason to celebrate for some tree-hugging feminazi socialists, but not true hardworking decent middle Americans. Those good patriotic Americans would prefer Morales's brand of "authoritarian" progressivism be with the rest of the Indians, buried on page 37 of Texas textbooks and in haunted cemeteries.

Ultimately, Morales's fiery brand of anti-imperialism and cheapshots to the groin weren't enough to overcome the fact that he's just a democratically-elected Chavez-wannabe, causing him to be relegated from the ELL as quickly as he came.

Overall record: 0-7
Season 7: 0-7

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 7: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Fun fact: Evo Morales gets his inspiration from the large poster of Che Guevara hanging in his office. But don't get too close to the poster, it's very sticky.

Teodoro Obiang

Teodoro Obiang Nguema has ruled Equatorial Guinea (that's the one on the equator) since 1979. He took over after ousting his uncle from power, saying that his uncle was the "son of lucifer," which I believe makes Obiang the grandson of lucifer. But who's counting. Obiang now uses his country's oil profits to sustain his billion dollar habit of stealing billions of dollars. Before you judge him, keep in mind it's healthier than smoking. For a man of Obiang's advanced age, any activity should be praised.

Overall record: 6-8
Season 6: 3-4
Season 7: 3-4

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 6: ---
Season 7: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Fun fact: The citizens of Teodoro Obiang's nation are starving and will sometimes do anything for food. So, to show solidarity with his poor constituency, he eats them. He's like a human-eating version of Gandhi.

Ilham Aliyev

Ilham Aliyev is the president of Azerbaijan and entered the ELL in Season 6. He was quickly relegated as the ELL staff was never able to locate his oil rich nation on a map. Aliyev got in a little bit of trouble for silencing dissent in his country. His critics failed to understand that Aliyev is very sensitive and doesn't take criticism well. His father was also president of Azerbaijan and Ilham has been working out his "daddy issues" through his repressive policies. Hey, we've all got messed up families. Particularly if you're an opponent of Aliyev.

Overall record: 2-5
Season 6: 2-5

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 6 ---
Overall record against each opponent

Ilham Aliyev was relegated after Season 6.

Fun fact: Even though his country is officially at odds with Armenia, Ilham Aliyev secretly yanks it to hot Armenian porn.

Ali Khamenei

Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has been the Supreme Leader of Iran since 1989. Believe it or not, being the Supreme Leader of Iran gives him the ultimate authority with regards to policy decisions. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad eat your heart out. Unfortunately for Khamenei's ELL career, Americans prefer to claim that Ahmadinejad is a crazy dictator rather than give the Grand Ayatollah his due. What's a Supreme Leader gotta do to get some respect 'round here?


Overall record: 1-6
Season 5: 1-6

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 5: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Ali Khamenei was relegated after Season 5.

Fun fact: Ayatollah Ali Khamenei hides a stash of fun size Snickers in his head wrap. Hey, the man likes to nosh.

Omar Bongo

Omar Bongo was the president of Gabon from 1967 until 2009, when he up and died, which is another way of saying that he ruled the country since before Madonna was fucking things. Bongo stayed in power by either paying off or jailing political opponents. His opponents tended to hope for the former as opposed to the latter. In his spare time, Bongo did a one-man off-Broadway performance in which he played Rubin "Hurricane" Carter's father. He was also short.


Overall record: 2-5
Season: 2-5

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 5: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Omar Bongo was relegated after Season 5.

Fun fact: Officially, Omar Bongo died of a heart attack. But in reality, he died- after reading all of the mean things we've said about him on the ELL site- of a broken heart.

Bashar al-Assad

Bashar al-Assad has been the president of Syria since 2000. His accomplishments include funding radical extremists who create havoc throughout the Middle East and controlling-then-releasing Lebanon. Considering he spends hours each day combing and styling his pre-pubescent mustache, it's a wonder where al-Assad finds the time. Then, the Syrian president has attempted to get in the good graces of the global community by offering to mediate negotiations between the U.S. and Iran, which is a little like Rush Limbaugh mediating negotiations between himself and painkillers.

He recently invented a new game called "kill 'n deny." Bashar is the current world champ.

Overall record: 8-6
Season 5: 5-2
Season 6: 3-4

Playoff record: 0-1
Season 5: 0-1
Season 6: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Bashar al-Assad lost a 3-way tie-breaker and was relegated.

Fun fact: Bashar al-Assad enters every international conference the same way, by screaming, "Here I am ladies; now who wants syphilis!"

Felipe Calderon

Felipe Calderon has been the president of Mexico since 2006. He entered the ELL in Season 4 and appeared prone to dominate the competition thanks to a plan that called for illegal immigrants to invade the United States and take it over. John Gibson tried to warn us, but white people didn't have enough babies in time. Now, we're all forced to speak Spanish, eat tacos, and clean up Chihuahuas' poop.

Except, well, a few undocumented Mexicans in the U.S. doesn't really offset the control American corporations have in Mexico. Plus, the United States could probably use some more hard working people anyway, regardless of how thin their mustaches are.

Overall record: 0-7
Season 4: 0-7

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 4: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Felipe Calderon was relegated after Season 4.

Fun Fact: Felipe Calderon actually hates tacos.

Nursultan Nazarbayev

Nursultan Nazarbayev has been the president of Kazakhstan since 1991. He joined the ELL in Season 4. Nazarbayev views democracy and the movie Borat as the two gravest threats to his country. He doesn't mind the anti-Semitism, racism, misogyny, or homophobia that Borat displays or exposes, it's just that he would not be caught dead with such a gaudy mustache.




Overall record: 4-10
Season 4: 3-4
Season 5: 1-6

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 4 ---
Season 5: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Nazarbayev was relegated after Season 5.

Fun fact: Nazarbayev wants there to be a global currency. He suggested the currency could be the small intestines of democracy advocates, which, coincidentally, is already Kazakhstan's currency.

Than Shwe

Since 1992, Than Shwe has been the head of the ruling military junta in Myanmar, which used to be Burma, and now is desolate. He came to the ELL in Season 4 and has flexed his evil muscle by beating Buddhist monks. The torture the monks receive is very brutal. Their robes are pulled over their heads and then they are pink bellied until they agreed to accept Than Shwe and his autocratic rule.

After a devastating cyclone in the summer of 2008, Shwe did not allow foreign aid agencies to help his people because he enjoys watching humans suffer. It's his second favorite hobby, right behind playing canasta.

Overall record: 19-9
Season 4: 7-0
Season 5: 4-3
Season 6: 4-3
Season 7: 4-3

Playoff record: 5-2
Season 4: 1-1
Season 5: 0-1
Season 6: 2-0
Season 7: 2-0
Overall record against each opponent

Than Shwe won the ELL championship in Seasons 6 & 7.

Fun fact: The Dalai Lama said that Shwe reminds him of a "goat's sphincter." The feeling is more than mutual.

Pervez Musharraf

Pervez Musharraf was the leader of Pakistan from 1999-2008. Musharraf ended his 8 year run as de facto military dictator of the country in 2007, and became just a regular dictator. All that means is he lost his 20% discount at all Army Ranger Surplus outlets. He entered the ELL in Season 3 under trying times in his country. The people were pissed at Pervez. Musharraf heard their outrage and did what every great leader would do. He either changed or ignored the constitution, depending on the situation, in order to stay in power. Musharraf governed his country like he plays a game of chess: changing the rules when he starts to lose.

Overall record: 6-8
Season 3: 5-2
Season 4: 1-6

Playoff record: 0-1
Season 3: 0-1
Season 4: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Pervez Musharraf was relegated after Season 4.

Fun fact: Actually, Pervez Musharraf has never lost a game of chess, because whenever he's about to lose, he knocks all the pieces off the board and says, "Do over."

Hu Jintao

Since 2003, Hu Jintao has led China, a country that could potentially be very powerful, suppresses any and all dissent, eradicates minority cultures, helps to fund the genocide in Darfur, and has nuclear weapons. But China has received "most favorite nation" status from America, so it's all good. After making his debut in the ELL in Season 3, Hu was quickly relegated. As a result. he was able to concentrate solely on silencing critics before the Beijing Olympics last summer. He started with Richard Gere.

Overall record: 1-6
Season 3: 1-6

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 3: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Hu Jintao was relegated after season 3.

Fun Fact: Many analysts believe Hu Jintao is sitting on a sleeping giant that could potentially dominate the world. It's his penis.

Nicolas Sarkozy

Nicolas Sarkozy has been the evil president of France since 2007. He runs his French Empire for the sole purpose of destroying the United States and all it stands for. Bill O'Reilly's calls to boycott everything French were prophetic. If only we had listened! It's too late now, the United States has been taken over by France. It's been hell. I can't eat another crepe. I don't even know what a crepe is. All Hail King Sarkozy.

Unfortunately for Bill O'Reilly and Sarkozy's ELL career, France is a western democracy and like-minded nations with slight policy disagreements don't usually resort to all out war.

Overall record: 0-7
Season 2: 0-7

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 2: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Nicolas Sarkozy was relegated after Season 2.

Fun fact: Nicolas Sarkozy is rude, drinks wine, and has had sex with the lady in your life.

Vladimir Putin

Vladimir Putin was the president of Russia from 1999-2008 and is now prime minister. He's cock-blocked George W. Bush's foreign policy objectives so many times, Bush has resorted to jerking off to old tapes of Margaret Thatcher invading the Falkland Islands. Putin joined the ELL before Season 2 and was fairly triumphant, but his term as president has come to an end. Unless he turns the position of prime minister into the shot-caller, Putin will have to wait to return to the ELL until he wins the presidency through shady means in 2012.

Overall record: 8-6
Season 2: 6-1
Season 3: 2-5

Playoff record: 0-1
Season 2: 0-1
Season 3: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Vladimir Putin was relgated after Season 3.

Fun fact: Vladimir Putin kills critics with such frequency, I'm even scared to say something bad about him. Well, except for the fact that he has ED.

Robert Mugabe

Robert Mugabe is the president of Zimbabwe and has been ruling that country since 1980. His country has had an unbelievably high inflation rate over the last few years and people had the nerve to blame him! When people protested the direction Mugabe was taking Zimbabwe, he directed his foot up their ass. Unfortunately for the aged Mugabe, all of that foot up the ass jazz took place after he was relegated following Season 1. A tragedy indeed. He came back in Season 3 and faced a hotly contested election which he eventually stole, but only after another relegation.

Overall record: 5-9
Season 1: 3-4
Season 3: 2-5

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 1: ---
Season 3: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Robert Mugabe was relegated after Seasons 1 and 3.

Fun fact: Robert Mugabe has claimed that only God will strip him of power. In related news, former Providence College basketball star God Shammgod is ready to take on a new career as a hired mercenary.

Alexander Lukashenko

Alexander Lukashenko has been president of Belarus since 1994, which is a long time. Lukashenko has been called Europe's last dictator by the United States government and Dictatorial Weekly. There was talk of Belarus potentially becoming part of Russia again and Lukashenko possibly being the president of the unified nation, but it never materialized. Instead, Belarus has been locked in a diplomatic tussle with Russia over raised gas prices. Not enough to keep Lukashenko in the ELL past Season 2.

Overall record: 6-8
Season 1: 4-3
Season 2: 2-5

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 1: ---
Season 2: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Alexander Lukashenko was relegated after Season 2.

Fun fact: Alexander is thinking about putting a hyphen in between Luka and shenko. It would just be easier for all of us.

Islam Karimov

Islam Karimov has had the same job since 1991, leader of Uzbekistan. His one season in the ELL began with promise, but ultimately, Karimov couldn't hang with the big boys. Boiling people wasn't enough. Niether was deciding that you're the ruler of your country for life. No one cares when that country is Uzbekistan. Well, maybe people from Uzbekistan care, I don't really know. Perhaps someday he'll be back. The irony that he persecutes Islamists depite the fact that his name is Islam could hasten his return.

Overall record: 3-4
Season 2: 3-4

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 2: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Islam Karimov lost a tie-breaker to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and was relegated.

Fun fact: Islam Karimov doesn't actually boil people. He has people do that for him. He just likes to watch.

Kim Jong-Il

Kim Jong-Il led North Korea from 1994 until 2011, when he died. While he was a bit eccentric, he also a shrewd politician. Kim used his country's nuclear program to express its clout on the world stage. He was less effective at feeding his nation's starving people. There was no freedom of speech in North Korea. Simply suggesting that the dictator needed a haircut got you 45 months of electrodes on your genitals. Personally, I always liked Kim's haristyle. The little fiery North Korean autocrat was a fanatic for the show Friends, loved magicians, and hated smokers and the tone-deaf.

Overall record 35-14
Season 1: 5-2
Season 2: 4-3
Season 3: 4-3
Season 4: 5-2
Season 5: 6-1
Season 6: 6-1
Season 7: 5-2

Playoff record: 6-5
Season 1: 1-1
Season 2: 0-1
Season 3: 2-0
Season 4: 0-1
Season 5: 2-0
Season 6: 1-1
Season 7: 0-1
Overall record against each opponent

Kim Jong-Il won the ELL championship in Seasons 3 & 5.

Fun fact: Kim won Aerosmith's 2007 "Dude Looks Like A Lady" Award and his last election with 117% of the vote (margin of error +/- 17%).

Saddam Hussein

Saddam Hussein was president of Iraq from 1979-2003. In 2003, the United States invaded Iraq and overthrew Hussein's government. It's tough to succeed in the Evil Leaders League when you don't lead anything.

The invasion completed Hussein's 180 degree turn around from BFF with the United States to public enemy number one. His biggest mistake was not having a nuclear weapons program. Not having weapons of mass destruction is somehow extremely evil in the eyes of the United States and ultimately led to Hussein's downfall.

Overall record: 0-7
Season 1: 0-7

Playoff record: 0-0
Season 1: ---
Overall record against each opponent

Saddam Hussein was relegated after Season 1.

Fun fact: Saddam Hussein is dead.