Season 5 Review

The fifth installment of the Evil Leaders League is now complete. I must say, it was probably the best one yet. Season 5 of the ELL was bigger than Jesus in a speedo. In its five season history, the ELL has still only had 2 champions. But we've had numerous competitors and countless laughs. As always, this season was dedicated first and foremost to the people who make this league happen, the citizens of the afflicted countries.

The Champion - Kim Jong-Il 6-1 (2-0)
Following a mid-summer stroke, Kim Jong-Il raised his game to another level. He was firing bombs from the outside like a young Tim Legler. The difference is that Kim is a threat inside as well. His regime spends its foreign aid currency to build a weapons program that threatens the world in order to receive more aid and start the cycle all over again. Meanwhile, the people of North Korea just watch the action like a bunch of ugly supermodels.

Check out the best out-of-context lines from this season in the Highlights section.

The Challengers
Omar al-Bashir 5-2 (1-1) - The genocidal dictator from Sudan came up short for only the 2nd time in ELL history.
Bashar al-Assad 5-2 (0-1) - Funding terrorist groups got this Syrian into the playoffs; moderate talk made it a short stay.
Than Shwe 4-3 (0-1) - How respectful of human rights do you expect a military junta to be?
Hugo Chavez 4-3 - The Venezuelan leader is like a four-year old when it comes to declaring ownership and dealing with people who disagree with him.

The Relegated
Omar Bongo 2-5 - The beatnik from Gabon couldn't buy or imprison his way into another season in the ELL.
Ali Khamenei 1-6 - The Ayatollah might be all powerful in Iran, but not in the ELL.
Nursultan Nazarbayev 1-6 - I don't care how little respect the Kazakh leader has for dissent, I'll be damned if I have to write out his name for another season.

Some Facts and Figures:
Uses of the word during the fifth ELL season - some variation of the word "evil" 33 times; "fuck" 6 times; "shit" 3 times; "a Rangoon Steamer" 1 time; "autocrat" 3 times; "blueberry muffins" 1 time.

7 lame jokes about Omar Bongo's last name
6 appearances by random musicians (Master P, Michael Jackson, Don Omar, Whitney Houston, Paul Simon, Madonna)
4 mentions of George W. Bush
2 accounts of prisoners being whipped (and not in the good S&M way)
1 reference to Rubin "Hurricane" Carter's father, that dead lady who had her hand up Lamb Chop's ass, and Uncle Jessie tucking in Michelle.

I'd also like to take the space to thank our loyal and not so loyal followers of the Evil Leaders League.

Season 5, ELL Finals Game 2

Will Kim Jong-Il capture his second ELL title or will Omar al-Bashir send the championship series to an all-important deciding Game 3? Let's find out.

Kim vs al-Bashir
In addition to firing off rockets in a bid to scare the world, North Korea's Kim Jong-Il has created a new, extremely effective, weight loss program. You can eat whatever you want and you don't have to exercise for one minute. All you have to do is have a near-fatal stroke. The leaner Kim looked great, depending on how you define "great," at his most recent public appearance, the first since his stroke. And what a way to come back: as public enemy # 1.

Omar al-Bashir, from Sudan, is challenging the sovereignty of the International Criminal Court as he continues to defy a warrant for his arrest on charges of genocide. This could be a big moment in determining the efficacy and relevance of international organizations designed to save the victims of intra-national repression. Because of the stress of being in the spotlight in such a moment, al-Bashir has put on some weight. In fact, his doctor asked him to lose 10-15 pounds. After the doctor was killed, al-Bashir set off on a quest to find a fatter doctor. Maybe he should try Kim's weight loss program.
winner: Kim
series: Kim 2-0

Congratulations to Kim Jong-Il for winning his second championship in three seasons! The season in review extravaganza is still to come.

Season 5, ELL Finals Game 1

Can you feel it in the air tonight? No, it's not pollution from a Hummer that gets an embarrassingly low ratio of miles per gallon. It's the excitement that comes with the first game of the Evil Leaders League Finals. As always, the ELL Finals is a best out of three affair (first competitor to reach two victories grabs the title) with a quick turn-around. So stay tuned. Kim Jong-Il, the leader of North Korea, is gunning for his second career title. Omar al-Bashir, who has dominated both Sudan and the ELL during the first four seasons, is searching for his astonishing fourth championship.

al-Bashir vs Kim
Omar al-Bashir is on the lam. No, it's not because two foreign aid workers were just kidnapped in the genocide-riddled region of Darfur. But good guess. It has more to do with that riddle of genocide. If al-Bashir is lucky, not only will he avoid facing the ICC charges of genocide, he'll get a teaching job at Goucher College. For now, al-Bashir continues to have the support of Arab leaders, who have released a joint statement, "We reject the charge of genocide against Omar al-Bashir. He can kill whoever he wants as long as he stays the fuck outta Gaza. Those are really the only people we care about."

Kim Jong-Il is on a high right now. He just launched a rocket intended to show the world that North Korea has the capacity to transport their nuclear weapons. The rocket was supposed to send a satellite into orbit. Western powers don't believe the satellite made it, but they're still sounding the alarms. This just adds to the legend of the North Koreans, who gained independence with high-powered water guns. The guns may have only shot water, but it was still terrifying to those poor Americans. Whereas al-Bashir has gone the old school route in killing a mass amount of people, this is the age of technology. People want things instantly. No one wants to see a long drawn out mass killing; we want it to be immediate and spectacular.
winner: Kim
series: Kim 1-0

Season 5, Semis 2nd Leg

The ELL's Final Four is about to be history. Let's see who will advance to the championship series.

Kim vs Shwe
Kim Jong-Il, the man in North Korea, has accused to U.S. reporters of spying, which is evil because they're not Sean Hannity or Glenn Beck. This comes in the shadow of North Korea's potential test rocket launch. Kim seems to take his foreign policy directives from watching old Marvin the Martian cartoons. Marvin also inspires the little autocrat's wardrobe. Burma's military junta leader looks a lot like Myanmar's military junta leader. Both go by the name of Than Shwe. During the one speech a year Shwe gives, he called for democracy in 2010. Don't get too heartened, the leader says that "every individual has a right to express their political freedoms unless they're not named Than Shwe." Even Chad Ocho Cinco has sent his application to Yangon for a name change.
winner 2nd leg: Kim by 3
winner overall: Kim by 5

al-Bashir vs al-Assad
Omar al-Bashir, the ruler of Sudan, is the new unifying personality among Arabs. The only thing Arab leaders can agree on is that al-Bashir should not be imprisoned in the wake of an ICC indictment on charges of genocide in Darfur because "he's too dainty to go to prison." The King of Jordan, Abdullah II said, "Omar al-Bashir has such pretty lips. He wouldn't last a day." Syrian President Bashar al-Assad has promised al-Bashir that the Sudanese ruler can stay in al-Assad's attic if the ICC comes for Omar, "like what happened with Ann Frank, even though that whole thing is a lie." That brings up an age old question: Who's more evil, the evil guy or the guy helping the evil guy?
winner 2nd leg: al-Assad by 11
winner overall: al-Bashir by 3

Season 5, Semis 1st Leg

The Evil Leaders League playoffs have arrived. Are you as excited as I am? If you are, you might want to call a doctor, because that means you've definitely had an erection for more than 4 hours. And if you're a woman, you might want to check again, women don’t get erections.

But first, there was a tie for the final playoff spot. Hugo Chavez and Than Shwe tied for 4th place with 4-3 records. The winner goes into the playoffs to face the regular season winner, Kim Jong-Il, while the loser will have to wait until next season.

Chavez vs Shwe
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela called U.S. president Barack Obama "ignorant." Oh, just 'cause he's black he's gotta be ignorant? You fucking racist. Chavez has also threatened to jail his main rival, Manuel Rosales, just because Rosales is Latino. Than Shwe leads Burma or Myanmar depending on his mood. The Chinese believe that the issue of development and stability in Shwe's country is not simply a regional issue, but that of the whole international community. China pleading for the world to look into your human rights problems is like if Hugo Chavez thought your country was a little bit too socialist.
winner: Shwe

Now on to the playoffs. The semifinals will consist of two legs, best aggregate score wins. Enjoy.

al-Assad vs al-Bashir
Paul Simon is going to sit this one out. Bashad al-Assad is head of Syria. He has offered to mediate negotiations between the U.S. and Iran, which is a little like Rush Limbaugh mediating negotiations between himself and painkillers. In talks with Jordan, al-Assad stressed Arab unity, which left His Airness quite confused. At least al-Assad got a pair of autographed sneakers out of the encounter. Sudan is run by that gangsta, Omar "Rata-tat" al-Bashir. He's killed more black people than the Crips or Bloods could even dream of put together. Omar al-Bashir doesn't just have the po-po after him, he's way too big for that. No, he's got the International Criminal Court trying to take him down! That makes him a legend in the gangster game.
winner: al-Bashir by 14

Shwe vs Kim
Than Shwe is running on fumes in this week. He needed a tie-breaker to even get into the playoffs. Shwe's brutal regime represses Buddhist monks. As a result, Shwe has invented his own religion which basically consists of one ritual: At noon every day, Shwe gives a voodoo doll in the likeness of UN envoy Ibrahim Gambari "a Rangoon Steamer." Kim Jong-Il of North Korea looks thinner than he did last time we saw him. That's what happens when you're shitting out missiles on the world. The test date for the missiles crawls closer while the world waits to cram instead of forming a study group. Study groups are a great place to meet women, let's not wait and do what we always do.
winner: Kim by 2

Season 5, Week 7

I was nearly fired because I was told that I wasn't critical enough to children. And yet these assholes have great job security. Go figure. Anyway, let's get the results for the final week of the regular season.

Khamenei vs Shwe
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has been doing his Ayatollah thang in Iran for some time now. His buddy, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has a clearer path towards retaining the title of Inter-Iranian Political Championship, which he took from the former champ, the Iron Sheik. Ahmadinejad's proposed opponent, Mohammad Khatami has decided to back out of the race. So Ahmadinejad will continue to be Lamb Chop to Khamenei's whatever the fuck was the name of that dead lady who had her hand up Lamb Chop's ass.

Burmese leader, Than Shwe, leads Myanmar. His military has been described as a Ponzi scheme. Shwe's military advisor was none other than Bernie Madoff, so that explains it. It's nice to see that Shwe and a Jew have something in common. One big difference is that Jews like to experiment with Buddhism, while Shwe likes to experiment on Buddhists.
winner: Shwe

Kim vs Bongo
Lil' Kim Jong-Il, the ruler of North Korea, is going gangsta on this biotch. His threats to test weapons of mass destruction are becoming more boisterous. He claims North Korea is invulnerable, although he might want to look up the meaning of that word. Kim is threatening an attack against South Korea and Japan, the likes of which they haven't seen since the invasion of Hello Kitty. Gabon's president, Omar Bongo is playing the blues since the death of his wife. Apparently, the evil leader can feel emotion. Now he knows how the spouses of his political opponents feel. It's not a good feeling. Maybe this will spark a change in Bongo's consciousness. He’ll give back all the money he took from his citizens. He'll step down and help to usher in a new era of democracy in Gabon. But then again, he is only 8 years away from ruling his country for the magical total of 50 years.
winner: Kim

Nazarbayev vs al-Bashir
The president of Kazakhstan, Nursultan Nazarbayev, went to the Whitney Houston concert in Almaty. He will always loooooooooooooove being the autocratic ruler of Kazakhstaaaaaaaaaaan! That rendition is now the new Kazakh national anthem. Who says Nazarbayev isn't sensitive? Omar al-Bashir, the leader of Sudan is also sensitive. He knows that if the ICC puts him on trial for the genocide in Darfur, the tax payer will have to fit the bill. He cares about the working man, so he has decided to reject the ICC charge of genocide and the idea of a trial. Honestly, both men are so sensitive, I wish they both could be winners. But they can't be.
winner: al-Bashir

al-Assad vs Chavez
Bashar al-Assad, who runs the little nation of Syria, believes peace in Israel is possible. Particularly if the Jews weren't there. He received a special gift from U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, but don't tell Bill. He declared that Iran has the right to acquire nuclear power. He’s learned the art of taking all sides. This guy makes John Kerry look like an ideologically consistent person. Hugo Chavez is the president of Venezuela. He's continuing his attack against his nation's private sector. We all know Venezuela is socialist. But, according to Fox News, so is America. And America is pretty great. Thus, socialism is pretty great. And so is Venezuela. But that means Hugo Chavez's chances in the ELL this season aren't.
winner: al-Assad

standings:
Kim J-I 6-1
al-Bash 5-2
al-Assa 5-2
Chavez 4-3
T Shwe 4-3
Bongo 2-5
Khame 1-6
Nazarb 1-6

Season 5, Week 6

We got quite a bit of snow here in Baltimore today. At least I'm not a gusano trapped inside with Fidel. Then I'd be subject to a 6 hour lecture about what a terrible person I am. It'd be a lot like attending Catholic mass or dinner with my family. Let's get the results for the all important Week 6.

Nazarbayev vs Shwe
Nursultan Nazarbayev is the president of Kazakhstan, a former Soviet satellite. As with most Soviet entities, it doesn't work so well. Kazakhstan's media is own by the state, but even they are realistic. There are no high pronouncements of the glorious reign of their dear president. Instead the media tends to report on trade deals Nazarbayev makes while playing his video game political simulators. He hopes that if he practices enough, someday he'll get to run a real country! Than Shwe is the leader of Burma and Myanmar. Even UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon doesn't want to visit either one of them and that guy's a glutton for destitution. Ban says he's more comfortable in war torn regions than in well-decorated boardrooms. Shwe is more comfortable surrounded by half-dead children because he loves to see the dreams and hopes of the young extinguished. He's Bizarro Obama.
winner: Shwe

Chavez vs Bongo
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela has been silenced. He has a sore throat and a doctor has ordered him to shut the fuck up for a few days, but probably not in those words. Chavez, who usually indulges himself in Fidel-like speeches, has been reduced to tears at the loss of his voice. Here's a riddle: What sound does a crying evil leader make if he's lost his voice? Answer: The same sound as one of his opponents, none. Gabon's President Omar Bongo has had his French accounts frozen. No more fries, no more kisses, and no more ticklers for the percussionist-turned-evil leader. Since Bongo will no longer be able to pay off dissidents, he'll have to resort to Plan B. Beating people with AIDS-covered sticks. Come on Bongo, wash the sticks, then beat the protestors. It's more humane.
winner: Bongo

al-Assad vs al-Bashir
You can call this matchup the Battle of al. Bashar al-Assad of Syria has a choice to make. Does he go with the tall dark and handsome Barack Obama or the rugged outdoorsmen found in anti-Israeli extremist circles. It's a tough choice. If only he could create a situation where he sees them both without the other one knowing. It's a recipe for all sorts of hi-jinks and hilarity. For now, al-Assad will continue be the anti-Israeli fighters' bodyguard. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir is in a bit of hot water. The genocide in Darfur has taken its toll on al-Bashir's popularity rating in that region. Only 29% of black Africans in Darfur approve of the genocide. Hey, that's still better than Bush. Darfur rebel leader Khalil Ibrahim has threatened al-Bashir's ouster. Ibrahim said, "You can call him al-Bashir, but I will call him betty-Bashir!" In Arabic, betty means "an evil leader who will soon be dethroned in the wake of an ICC indictment on charges of genocide." Paul Simon is a prophet.
winner: al-Assad

Khamenei vs Kim
Iran's Ayatollah, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei wants U.S. troops out of Iraq. He also enjoys apple pie, hot dogs, and watching mindless reality shows. Khamenei actually has a flag on his front porch, beats his wife, and sexually abuses his children. Iran and America have so much in common! It's the North Korean nihilistic version of Christmas for leader Kim Jong-Il. No, he's not trampling people to death at WalMart; remember, he's evil, not American. Kim can't wait to fire off his rockets and show the boy next door who is cooler. Kim loves his people because they were willing to give up food, electricity, freedom, and even a single traffic light in the capital, all so Kim could have some new toys. Kim will show his appreciation by playing with his toys of mass destruction day and night until there is no longer days or nights.
winner: Kim

standings:
Kim J-I 5-1
Chavez 4-2
al-Bash 4-2
al-Assa 4-2
T Shwe 3-3
Bongo 2-4
Khame 1-5
Nazarb 1-5

Season 5, Week 5

Sometimes, when I'm sad, I wish I was an evil leader so I could have my minions rub meat on the balls of my opponents and then unleash Michael Vick's former dogs on them, just to wash away my pain.

Khamenei vs Bongo
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is, believe or not, the Ayatollah of Iran. He will essentially decide the next president of Iran, incumbent Mahmoud Ahmadinejad or former incumbent Mohammad Khatami. That means that Khamenei has the power of 7 American men and 2 American women (in black robes). Ahmadinejad declared that Iran is now officially a super power. Yeah, and I have a 14-inch penis. Omar Bongo, the president of Gabon since 1967, has kept relative stability in his land by either paying off or jailing political opponents. Hey Bongo, for the right price, we can make sweet music together and I'll take you out of this league. What's the price? A bj from your dying wife.
winner: Khamenei

al-Bashir vs Kim
Omar al-Bashir is still the president of Sudan. He's garnered the support of Hosni Mubarak of Egypt. It's all part of al-Bashir's attempt to create an exclusive club of evil, aptly called: the Exclusive Club of Evil. To join, you have to be the evil leader of a country and have rancid foot odor. Kim Jong-Il runs North Korea. Even in death, he will terrify the U.S. as concerns about his successor rage on. Haunting people from beyond the grave is very evil, as Gene Siskel has taught me. In the meantime, Kim is still preparing to launch a missile in an attempt to scare the world into providing him with aid and legitimacy a little longer. Wouldn't it be great if real life was like that? You threaten to kill people and you get stuff, like Slurpees and Snickers bars.
winner: Kim

Shwe vs Chavez
Than Shwe, who runs military juntas in Myanmar and Burma, is like a women taking you for a ride. Right when you think he's finally going to be awesomely evil, he does something that leaves you scratching your head, like releasing political prisoners. One of the released prisoners was a monk named U Thumana, who was asked by a reporter, "What was it like in a Burmese prison?" U answered, "You can't imagine." The reporter rebutted, "Wait, me or you?" U answered, "You." Which went on until I realized that joke doesn't work in print. Venezuela's President, Hugo Chavez, made a surprise visit to Cuba to visit the Castro brothers. He wanted to see what he'd look like in 40 years. Chavez has also begun to dabble in killing critics and growing a beard, but apparently only has enough manhood for one of them.
winner: Chavez

Nazarbayev vs al-Assad
Nursultan Nazarbayev, who is perpetually constipated, is the president of Kazakhstan. There was a recent political protest in his country, which is as rare as a Nazarbayev shit. Nazarbayev should eat a jumbo chicken dog with free 7-11 chili poured over it. But he doesn't allow free speech, so he'll never receive that advice. Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is expected to meet with U.S. lawmakers and has been urged to enter negotiations with Israel. That all sounds like Syria is coming in from the cold, but just remember al-Assad's personal motto, "Keep your friends close and the Zionist American pigs closer. And continue to fund anti-American and anti-Israeli organizations." That's better than his other personal motto, "Who wants syphilis!"
winner: al-Assad

standings:
Chavez 4-1
al-Bash 4-1
Kim J-I 4-1
al-Assa 3-2
T Shwe 2-3
Khame 1-4
Bongo 1-4
Nazarb 1-4

Season 5, Week 4

I went to get my car serviced and they asked me, "Do you know that your engine light is on?" I said that I did. And that was the end of that, which I took to mean that sometimes the light comes on for no particular reason and it wasn't a big deal. When I got back to Baltimore, the car was struggling a tad and smelled a little funny. Now, I'm terrified that my engine will fail at the worst possible moment (which is any moment really). I certainly did not need this now. What I do need is to get the results for this week in the ELL.

Nazarbayev vs Chavez
Nursultan Nazarbayev runs a country called Kazakhstan. Shares of Kazakhstan's state bank have plummeted, which means that Kazakhstan is a country in the world in 2009. There's nothing evil about participating in the global economic meltdown. Nazarbayev proposes to solve the crisis by doing away with money as a form of currency and instead suggests that people with the longest and most unpronounceable names will become the most powerful. Personally, I love the idea. Hugo Chavez is the President of Venezuela. Get used to that sentence as the country has voted to abolish presidential term limits. Venezuelan citizens saw what a beautifully burgeoning society a dictatorship has created in North Korea, Burma, Belarus, and many other places ruled by leaders who have been in this league, and they want in.
winner: Chavez

al-Assad vs Kim
Bashar al-Assad leads Syria. He and Saudi King Abdullah Bin Abdul Aziz Rodriguez Vazquez Papenski held hands in celebration of the new found relationship their two nations share and not because they're gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Saudi Arabia is a U.S. ally so this means that al-Assad is friends with our friends. If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, then what is the friend of my friend? Kim Jong-Il, who is the ruler of North Korea, just turned 67 years old and he doesn't look a day over someone who died five years ago. I'm curious to see if North Korea's test of weapons of mass destruction will work. It's a little like my curiosity about whether or not I'll be successful in life; I know the answer and it's not good for either one of us.
winner: Kim

al-Bashir vs Khamenei
Omar al-Bashir has a map in his office of the country he runs, Sudan. The western and southern parts are cut off. The ICC has decided to issue a warrant for his arrest on charges of genocide. It's about time! Michael Vick languishes away in prison while this guy... never mind, this isn't the Soapbox Leaders League. Maybe people are right, a dozen dogs are more important than hundreds of thousands of black Africans. Omar al-Bashir certainly thinks so. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the Ayatollah of Iran. If you think about it, "Ayatollah" sounds like a racist stereotype of a Native American chant. All Khamenei thinks about is the late Ayatollah Khomeini... nude.
winner: al-Bashir

Shwe vs Bongo
It's like Than Shwe has two wives, one is Burma, a country that he leads, and the other is Myanmar, a country that he leads. Than Shwe called Kim Jong-Il on his birthday and they talked about old times, like the slumber parties they used to have. The parties usually involved putting dissidents into an eternal slumber. They talked about what they're up to now. One is a dictator of an impoverished Asian nation and, well, so is the other. Dude, what a coincidence! And of course, they talked about their favorite subject, boys. Omar Bongo grooved his way to the top of the charts in Gabon in 1967, which is another way to say that he has ruled the country since before Madonna was fucking things. When Bongo rose to power, he believed in equality, justice, and progress, but now he just hires people to tickle with a feather because it passes the time until he dies.
winner: Shwe

standings:
al-Bash 4-0
Chavez 3-1
Kim J-I 3-1
al-Assa 2-2
T Shwe 2-2
Bongo 1-3
Nazarb 1-3
Khame 0-4

Season 5, Week 3

Sometimes, when I'm alone in my car, I get a strange feeling. It's the ghost of Idi Amin nibbling on my thigh. Let's get the results for Week 3.

Kim vs Shwe
Kim Jong-Il has run North Korea since Uncle Jessie was tucking Michelle in at night, Screetch was being stuffed in lockers, and Roseanne had her old face. Kim is preparing to test some more weapons as tensions with South Korea continue to rise. South Korean conservative president Lee Myung-Bak has refused to grant aid to the North, which has made Kim very angry, causing him to break out in hives and test nuclear weapons- it's a rare disease. Than Shwe, the head honcho of Burma and the chief in charge of Myanmar, is ignoring the United Nations. That's not evil, that's George W. Bush-like. Than Shwe and George W. Bush are pretty similar if you think about it. Both did coke in college.
winner: Kim

Khamenei vs Nazarbayev
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the Supreme Leader of Iran. I just read a summary about Iran's government structure and strange phrases appeared such as: checks and balances, presidential elections, and consensus-building. No where did I read about al Qaeda, nuclear weapons, or the Ayatollah's difficulties with flatulence. Needless to say, I was very confused. Could my entire impression of Iran have been wrong all along? Dick Cheney and Hillary Clinton told me that Iran was a dangerous theocracy hell-bent on killing us all. I didn't see the word hell-bent anywhere in the summary! I hate when reality shakes my world view.

Kazakhstan's President Nursultan Nazarbayev (SPOILER ALERT) is probably not long for this competition largely because he has too many letters in his name and it's a real pain in the ass to type it repeatedly week in and week out. Sorry Kazakhs, but get rid of this bum and install a new dictator with a shorter name and we'll talk. For now, Nazarbayev signed a law that will require at least two parties in parliament at all times. Did he make the change because I said he thinks the D in AIDS stands for democracy? Almost certainly. While it sounds like good news for the Kazakh people, keep in mind that the next election isn't until 2012. Also, Iran already has more than one party in its parliament, so...
winner: Nazarbayev

Bongo vs al-Assad
Omar Bongo of Gabon has been playing the blues of late. He's gone to Morocco to be with his sick wife. That's not particularly evil. Bongo is even more of a mensch than you realize. He took his wife on a memorable trip to Paris courtesy of the French foreign minister, Bernard Kouchner. Kouchner arranged a backstage tour of the Eiffel Tower and he even set up a romantic dinner for the lovely couple in a Parisian jail where they were allowed to whip inmates by candle light. Kouchner just wanted the Bongos to feel at home.

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad spent yesterday morning looking at himself in the mirror as he combed his pubescent mustache, pondering which Lebanese political leader to kill next and how to criticize Israel so he doesn't seem like a sell-out while not pissing them off so his country isn't blown apart like a Lebanese political leader. When al-Assad finished combing his mustache three hours later, he started the laborious chore of parting his hair and deciding which tone to take with Egypt and the U.S.
winner: al-Assad

Chavez vs al-Bashir
Protests rang out all over Venezuela against President Hugo Chavez's proposal of unlimited terms. People think it's just a way for Chavez to stay in power for life. Chavez has asked his citizens not to look ahead, noting that "the present is a gift. That's why it's called the present." Protestors told Chavez to keep his present and go fuck a picture of Pinochet. Omar al-Bashir, despite the best efforts of the ELL, still leads Sudan. Darfuri rebels still distrust the Sudanese government heading into peace talks between the two sides. See what a little genocide can do to a friendship? Honestly, the rebels should get over it. There are going to be tough times in this life and sometimes those tough times will include mass murder, torture, rape, and systematic starvation. When life gives you lemons...
winnner: al-Bashir

standings:
al-Bash 3-0
Chavez 2-1
Kim J-I 2-1
al-Assa 2-1
T Shwe 1-2
Bongo 1-2
Nazarb 1-2
Khame 0-3

Season 5, Week 2

U.S. President Barack Obama is a threat to the Evil Leaders League. After he's done, America might not have any enemies left to ridicule in a silly competition such as this. Can the world survive without any evil leaders or leagues to mock those leaders? And even if it can, who would want to live in such a world? Fortunately, America's foreign policy is highly influenced by unelected bureaucratic officials and big corporations who will always ensure the existence of evil leaders. Thank the lord. Now that we all can rest assured that the ELL will continue, let's get to the results.

Bongo vs al-Bashir
There hasn't been a contest like this since Gooding/Epps. Not since Mullah/Don. Gabonese, Gabonian, Gabonese, Gaboner (whatever it is) President Omar Bongo looks a whole lot like Rubin "Hurricane" Carter's father. Bongo's latest album entitled Graft is a wonderful ode to corrupt African dictators and even reportedly features a guest spot from former Senegalese Prime Minister Macky Sall. Omar al-Bashir, who looks like Michael Wilbon's father, heads the Sudanese regime. Sudanese government forces launched an attack against Darfuri rebels using fresh air strikes. If only the food in Darfur was that fresh... or existent.
winner: al-Bashir

Khamenei vs Chavez
The Supreme Leader of Iran and huge Diana Ross fan, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is a lot like a record producer. He's got the power, he's got the money, but Ahmadinejad gets all the pub. That's just fine for Khamenei as he pops out another Britney Spears record from the shadows. But there's a new sound out there now, coming from the mouth of Barack Obama. Khamenei might have to change things up. Change is never good for an evil leader. Hugo Chavez, the top denizen of Venezuela, recently insulted Obama calling him "Bush lite." He then commented about how witty that comment was because Busch is also a beer. It was a double entendre! Isn't that clever? Then Chavez met with Obama and, despite the previous animosity, fell in love like something out of a predictable 1980s movie. But at least the Socialist oil checker has a starring role.
winner: Chavez

Kim vs Nazarbayev
Kim Jong-Il, the big head of North Korea, is healthy according to the coiffed leader's son. Apparently, Kim is swinging an aluminum bat at the shins of his sons like a man half his age. That's good to hear. A healthy evilness needs both the evil and the healthy parts. The president of Kazakhstan goes by the name of Nursultan Nazarbayev. Nazarbayev wants there to be a global currency. He suggested the currency could be the small intestines of democracy advocates, which, coincidentally, is already Kazakhstan's currency. When he's not coming up with great ideas, Nazarbayev is attending official Indian celebrations. Apparently, the world's largest democracy hasn't heard Nazarbayev's proposal yet.
winner: Kim

al-Assad vs Shwe
Bashar al-Assad is the president of Syria. He congratulated Gaza over its recent victory. If that was a victory, I don't want to win anything ever! But it's important for an evil chief to be delusional, just ask the leadership of Citigroup. But then al-Assad went and spoiled it all by saying something crazy like: I'm cautiously optimistic that the new American president will bring peace to the region. You know that means you have to give up Lebanon, don't you? Burmese leader Than Shwe runs the military junta in Myanmar. Shwe is a lot like your uncle on cocaine. He's ruining the family but he doesn't care. He won't listen to reason. He hurts everyone around him. There's no changing him. But unlike your uncle, Than Shwe won't share with the kids.
winner: Shwe

standings:
al-Bash 2-0
Chavez 2-0
T Shwe 1-1
Kim J-I 1-1
al-Assa 1-1
Bongo 1-1
Nazarb 0-2
Khame 0-2

Season 5, Week 1

This is the fifth season of the Evil Leaders League. The league will continue to consist of 8 evil leaders. Five participants are returning from last season and three are new. This is a round-robin league, much like the English Premier League soccer, not a tournament. There will be a playoffs at the end of the regular season. This season's Evil Leaders League (ELL) is dedicated to Saparmurat Niyazov.

Let's meet the competitors:
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Champion last season.
Than Shwe - leader of Myanmar since 1992. Finished 2nd.
Hugo Chavez - president of Venezuela since 1999. Finished 3rd.
Kim Jong-Il - leader in North Korea since 1994. Finished 4th.
Nursultan Nazarbayev - president of Kazakhstan since 1991. Finished 5th.
Bashar al-Assad - president of Syria since 2000. New.
Omar Bongo - president of Gabon since 1967. New.
Ali Khamenei - Ayatollah of Iran since 1989. New.

al-Bashir vs Shwe
Omar al-Bashir, the ruler of Sudan, is coming off his third ELL championship. This is a rematch of last season's final matchup. Omar al-Bashir is still the evilest man in town. The mass murder continues in Sudan's Darfur region and al-Bashir should hear back on his charge of genocide from the ICC pretty soon. His ally, Hassan al-Turabi was sent to jail, which is bad for al-Bashir's political future, but good for his evil reputation and with the ladies, who love the 'bad boy.' Than Shwe, who is a little bit like a woman because he can multi-task as he's ruling both Myanmar and Burma, has a bratty grandson. This grandson, Shwe's favorite, kidnapped a famous Burmese model. Chip off the old block. Shwe hopes that the election of U.S. president Barack Obama will clear up the "misunderstandings" the two countries have had. Shwe has outlined a roadmap for democracy. This roadmap is reminiscent of the Beltway during Friday rush hour.
winner: al-Bashir

Kim vs Chavez
Kim Jong-Il still leads North Korea. He has named his favorite son, Kim Jong Un, his successor should the elder Kim die. Kim made the announcement by saying, "My successor will be... Kim Jong Un-Na-Na-Nana!" while Master P's Make Em Say Uhh blasted in the background. I don't know what's more evil, ensuring the continuation of an autocratic dynasty or picking a favorite son. Hugo Chavez, the guy who makes the rules in Venezuela, is trying to pass an amendment that will abolish term limits for the president, which coincidently, happens to be him. The proposed amendment has created student protests both for and against. Apparently, dictatorships and the status quo are a hit with the young co-eds in Caracas.
winner: Chavez

Nazarbayev vs Bongo
Kazakh President Nursultan Nazarbayev, who has chosen the nickname Naz, is negotiating with U.S. General David Patreaus. Kazakhstan will allow the U.S. to use its land to transport non-military aid to Afghanistan for 7 Michael Jackson CDs. 1980s Michael Jackson CDs, none of that new bullshit; what do you think, the Kazakh leadership is filled with a bunch of oblivious half-wits? Naz is going to use his alliance with the U.S. to its fullest potential. Omar Bongo leads Gabon, which is in Africa, and I didn't just racistly make up that name or country. Bongo got off to the good start by jailing activists and journalists who inquired about possible government corruption. Bongo jazzed up his performance by not allowing the detainees to have a lawyer. According to Gabonese ministers Saiontz, Kirk & Miles, the prisoners did not have a phone (an obscure local reference, I know).
winner: Bongo

al-Assad vs Khamenei
Bashar al-Assad ushered in a new wave of change in Syria back in 2000. The Syrian president is a big fan of Hamas. He thinks less of Israel, calling for every Arab country to boycott Israel and high school productions of Fiddler on the Roof. Bashar al-Assad likens Hamas to a big bunch of teddy bears. He praises their use of "freedom rockets" into Israeli cities. The only thing nicer than Hamas is a basket full of blueberry muffins on a sunny summer's day. Ayatollah Ali Khamenei is the Ayatollah of Iran, hence the title Ayatollah in front of his name. Khamenei continues this contest's anti-Israel sentiment. He has called for Iranian citizens to combat Israel's war in Gaza without advocating killing Israeli citizens. He has also called for Iranian citizens to watch episodes of Seinfeld without advocating laughter. Even though Khamenei is the Supreme Ruler of Iran, no one in the West cares until he says something Ahmadinejadian.
winner: al-Assad

standings:
al-Bash 1-0
Chavez 1-0
al-Assa 1-0
Bongo 1-0
T Shwe 0-1
Kim J-I 0-1
Nazarb 0-1
Khame 0-1