Season 7 in Review

Maybe it's like retiring in the emotion following a tough fight, but the Evil Leaders League has had a good run. All good things must come to an end, although it seems all evil leaders go on for decades. What gives? Anyway. we've had a good run. The ELL ousted Musharraf from power, no small task. We were instrumental in Omar Bongo's death. The regret is that we couldn't depose or kill (not CIA style, mind you) more of these evil bastards. But taking down two evil leaders is pretty good for an obscure website devoted to meshing politics and anal warts jokes.

The Champion - Than Shwe 4-3 (2-0)
Sure, the Burmese ruler of Myanmar is evil. He's killed protesting Buddhist monks. He refused international aid for his suffering people in the wake of a devastating cyclone. He does not allow dissents. And he's secretly attempting to build a nuclear program. But none of those reasons are why he won this season. The real reason is that Ellen Page really hates Than Shwe, and I appreciate her dry wit.

Check out the best out-of-context lines from this season in the Highlights section.

The Challengers
Hamid Karzai 5-2 (1-1) - Bush's boy has been Obama's headache. Karzai has always been ineffective and has allowed corruption, but this season he upped the ante by threatening to join the Taliban.
Omar al-Bashir 6-1 (0-1) - A genocide has only so much shelf life. At some point, it becomes yesterday's news without help from a highly-paid PR firm.
Kim Jong-Il 5-2 (0-1) - He must've been picked on as a child, 'cuz he sure relishes the role of instigating things. Maybe the kids didn't like his hair, sunglasses, or autocratic personality.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 3-4 - If rhetoric was evil action, he'd be Muhammad Ali. As it is, he's Andrew Golata.

The Relegated
Teodoro Obiang 3-4 - When you live in an oil rich country, people tend to let your evil quirks slide.
Silvio Berlusconi 2-5 - 3-time prime minister, corruption allegations, extra-marital affairs, the mafia, statue in the face- doesn't make for much of an evil leader, but it's enough for a hell of a sitcom.
Evo Morales 0-7 - Latin America's cutest indigenous leader is a leftist, socialist, Marxist. But it's 2010, this side of Pat Boone, who really cares any more?


What have we learned from this seven season exercise? Perhaps it's that there are leaders who perform evil acts and their biggest punishment is a stern scolding. Perhaps it's that the human mind seems to be able to justify any evil. Perhaps it's that the U.S. mistakes truly despicable leaders and those who pose little to no threat but have competing interests with the U.S. Perhaps it's that Uzbekistan's President Islam Karimov produces more milk a year from his giant man boobs than all of his country's goats combined.

Maybe we haven't really learned anything. At the very least, we hope you chuckled out loud at least once during these seven glorious seasons.

Season 7, ELL Finals Game 2

Will Than Shwe take another evil title or will Hamid Karzai keep the series going? Let's find out, shall we?

Karzai vs Shwe
Hamid Karzai's desire for negotiations with the Taliban is like your friend who is hell-bent on calling his ex-girlfriend one more time because "Maybe this time she'll see that we were meant to be together." His buddies in the Afghan parliament can't convince him to forget about the Taliban and put the other pieces of his life back together. Plus, the Taliban will never respond with Karzai seeming so desperate. Maybe Karzai should get away and take some time just for himself.

Shwe's the Burmese ruler of Myanmar.
He's been in power for twenty years.
When Buddhist monks protested in 2007,
Each one was kicked in their rears.

Shwe let people die and lose their home after the 2008 cyclone
Until he's killed, his power will continue to build.
Coming are stolen elections and nuclear weapons.
Kyi is still under arrest and the opposition suppressed,
So, is Than Shwe the champion of the evilest?

Dedicated to Saw Wei.
winner: Shwe
series: Shwe 2-0

Congratulations to Than Shwe for winning back-to-back Evil Leaders League championships! Here's hoping he pulls a John Elway and retires on top. The season in review extravaganza is still to come.

Season 7, ELL Finals Game 1

The Evil Leaders League Finals is so great because it features the best aspects of life: competition, evil guys, and dick jokes. As always, the ELL Finals is a best out of three affair (first competitor to reach two victories grabs the title) with each contest coming only a week after the previous one. Than Shwe, the Burmese python of Myanmar, is hoping to win his second ELL championship. He hopes to win his titles back-to-back, which coincidentally is the position Buddhist monks in his country are put in before they're shot. Hamid Karzai, the hat of Afghanistan is hoping to pull a Magic Johnson and win a title in his first year in the league.

Shwe vs. Karzai
Shwe, whose face looks like it's trying to eat itself, has been having a great year. He's in the process of consolidating his power and working to create legitimacy for his regime by holding elections and civilianizing his government. His political opponents have been jailed and he's still on his secret quest to obtain nuclear weapons. He even managed to marry away his ugly daughter. In a period of four months, Than Shwe has managed to conclusively contradict the concept of karma. Next he's going after the notion of humanity.

Karzai and U.S. President Barack Obama attempted to make up last week after a long spat. Obama gave Karzai a vote of confidence; Karzai said he won't join the Taliban after all. And yet, nothing really changed, the abusive relationship continues. It's very much like Bobby and Whitney. Karzai is going to continue to be corrupt and there's really nothing Obama can do about it. If only they realized this destructive cycle and decided to see other people!
winner: Shwe
series: Shwe 1-0

Season 7, Semis 2nd Leg

It sucks when you don't here from a friend for a while. Especially when that friend is from one of these Evil Leaders' countries. Let's get to the final leg of the semifinals.

Kim vs Karzai
North Korea's Kim Jong-Il reminds me a lot of myself. Not because he's short. Nor because he has a heart of darkness. But because he's been playing the same song since 2002. We get it. Threaten everyone with nuclear weapons. Receive aid to disarm. Fail to disarm. Rinse. Repeat. The North Korean military thinks it's played out and could be looking to switch to a new artist already.

Hamid Karzai, the leader of Afghanistan- well, Kabul anyway- is coming to Washington. Presumably to officially meet with President Obama and not in order to make a bungled attempt to blow up the city as a member of the Taliban. One can only hope.
winner 2nd leg: Karzai by 8
winner overall: Karzai by 14

al-Bashir vs Shwe
Some men have an ability to justify even the most heinous actions. To claim that they possess calluses on their soul is to acknowledge its presence, a dubious assumption. One man fitting the above description has seen his name by the title Head of State in Sudan for twenty long years. That man is Omar al-Bashir. Despite his role in a vicious civil war, by civil war standards, and a horrific genocide, by genocide standards, the Obama administration has decided to live and let live. Unless, of course, you "live" in Darfur.

Another character whose name is interchangeable with the introduction to this piece is Myanmar's Than Shwe of Burma. The list of his human rights violations wanders the length of the Irrawaddy River. And that's only if you're using a small font. But it is inspiring that Than Shwe is so active at such an advanced age. He's just like Betty White. Except slightly more evil.
winner 2ng leg: Shwe by 7
winner overall: Shwe by 3

Season 7, Semis 1st Leg

It's playoff time! But before we get there, we've got some business to attend to. We need to determine who will return next season and who won't. Let's do that now.

Obiang vs Ahmadinejad
Both finished at 3-4 this regular season. Teodoro Obiang has initiated a new after school program called "Children Sleep Now." To celebrate, Obiang has decided to kidnap his opponents. Oh, snap, pun! Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was doing some celebrating of his own last week. In honor of his boastful claims about Iran's nuclear prowess, the nervousness he causes Israel and the U.S., and a successfully stolen election, Ahmadinejad decided to do a little manscaping. He trimmed his lush chest hair. After weighing himself, he discovered that he had lost 3 pounds! Presumably in the chest area.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Now on to the playoffs. The semifinals will consist of two legs, best aggregate score wins. Enjoy or be tortured.

Shwe vs al-Bashir
This is a rematch of last season's semifinals. Myanmar's Than Shwe has decided he doesn't want international observers to oversee the upcoming Burmese elections. He has his own band of child soldiers to fill that role. Plus, international observers will probably just try to fuck up his plan to steal the election. He doesn't need that drama. Omar al-Bashir of Sudan wants to do everything himself, just like Dwyane Wade. He controls his country's elections and also gets to determine who lives and who dies. Not good news for Carlos Arroyo.
winner: al-Bashir by 4

Karzai vs Kim
Afghanistan's leader, Hamid Karzai, is a lot like J.R. Smith; who knows which side he's on (Sorry, I've been watching a lot of playoff basketball). He was Bush's best friend, but now has threatened to join the Taliban. That leaves the U.S. searching for another route to exert influence in Afghanistan, which is like trying to have sex with super Christian girls who want to save it for marriage. The U.S. has opted for the Afghan parliament, a.k.a. the assholes.

So, apparently, North Korea did sink that South Korean ship from last month. That's a lesson for South Korea, always go with your instinct. My instinct tells me that Kim sent out a recent press release saying that he is a "global fashion trendsetter" after the ELL reported that he had won Mr. Blackwell's Worst Dressed Dictator Since Gaddafi award in Week 5. How can a person be a "global fashion trendsetter" if they're just jacking Estelle Getty's style from 25 years ago?
winner: Karzai by 6

Season 7, Week 7

Evil leaders are a lot like women. They'll rip your heart out.

Kim vs Karzai
With instability on the rise in North Korea, people are continuing to flee to that beacon, that bastion of authoritarian isolation, China. When your citizens are going in droves to an overcrowded communist nation, you know you done fucked things up. But there is speculation that people are only leaving because they don't want to catch whatever secret illness Kim Jong-Il has.

Hamid Karzai threw a hissy fit recently, claiming if the West forced reforms on his corrupt administration, he'd quit his post and join the Taliban. This is great news for the U.S.'s War on Terror! If Karzai joins the Taliban, his incompetent leadership will surely bring them down, a feat the U.S. military hasn't been able to accomplish.
winner: Karzai

Obiang vs Shwe
Following the news is making Teodoro Obiang feel down. The death of the Polish president, a coup in Kyrgyzstan, it's enough to make even the most entrenched dictator nervous. His doctors have advised Obiang to turn away from Fox News for a while and instead watch something healing, like The Marriage Ref.

Myanmar's Than Shwe hopes to gain legitimacy among his junta-ruling compadres in the upcoming Burmese elections. The elections will help him accomplish his two goals. The first is turning Myanmar into a nuclear state so that it can blackmail for aid in the fashion of North Korea. The other goal for the octogenarian is a Golden Girls reunion, which might be more difficult due to the deaths of Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty.
winner: Shwe

al-Bashir vs Morales
Even Ralph Nader boycotted the recent elections in Sudan and that guy has an electoral fetish stronger than Tiger Woods' for party girls. In fact, only one person's vote was counted. It happened to be that of longtime president Omar al-Bashir, who surprisingly voted for himself. Evo Morales had his own little election in Bolivia. I guess the cute indigenous authoritarian demagogue isn't as all-powerful as he thought. His party gained mixed success in the recent regional elections. It seems totalitarianism is no match when up against a little dose of democracy.
winner: al-Bashir

Ahmadinejad vs Belusconi
Iranian head honcho, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, wrote a letter to the UN's Secretary General, Ban Ki-Moon, asking him to look into the attacks of September 11. The impetus was this awesome documentary Ahmadinejad saw on YouTube while he was high. In the correspondence, Ahmadinejad writes:

Dear Rev. Sun Myung,
Dude, on 9/11 the CIA put bombs in the buildings just as they were calling all of the Jews to stay home from work that day. And did you know that George W. Bush is an anagram for terrorist in Farsi? Check that shit out, Secretary Reverend.
Sincerely,
M. Ahmadin... whatever

Billionaire playoldman and corrupt Italian prime minister, Silvio Berlsuconi, had sex with me and everyone I know. He then took money from all of our bank accounts. I knew I shouldn't have trusted some random old man I saw wacking off on Chat Roulette. Live and learn.
winner: Ahmadinejad

click for Standings

Season 7, Week 6

For the next 8 days, Jews can't eat anything leavened. How about, in honor of the Jews, for the next 8 days our leaders give up killing people. Is that too much to ask?

Kim vs al-Bashir
North Korea was originally suspected of sinking a South Korean battleship. It fits in with Kim Jong-Il's plan to rule his nation based on his favorite childhood board games. It's why he holds a monopoly on everything in the country. Unfortunately for his citizens, however, he never liked the game of Life. South Korea later had to admit that the North wasn't responsible for their ship sinking. Hey, when your spouse is always cheating, you don't assume they're absent because they're working late.

Omar al-Bashir says the ICC warrant on charges of genocide boosted his popularity. The same can be said for Jesse James. Further proof that girls like the bad boy. A few newspaper editors were questioned recently for insulting al-Bashir. So ladies, he's sensitive too. Add to his description that he's very committed to his faith and you get the perfect dreamboat.
winner: al-Bashir

Shwe vs Ahmadinejad
Myanmar junta leader Than Shwe says that his Burmese citizens should avoid "divisive acts" in order to keep the country's road to democracy on track, which makes about as much sense as O.J. writing a book entitled If I Did It to prove his innocence. But it's an understandable mistake; Burmese dictionaries skip from demobilize to démodé (Don't think about that one too much).

Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is like an absurdly arrogant geek who acts hard on the internet because he knows he'll never have to back it up. The bearded big mouth claims the sanctions placed against Iran for their pursuit of nuclear technology won't hurt the poor Persian nation. How can he make such an outrageous claim? Hey, his term will be up in a few years and then he'll be out like Clay Aiken.
winner: Shwe

Obiang vs Berlusconi
The head of Equatorial Guinea, Teodoro Obiang, didn't have much going on this week besides being caught leering through the window of a yoga studio and being asked to leave. Obiang claims he was merely on his way towards the nearby Burger King, but the yoga instructor asserts the dictator was frozen in place outside of the yoga studio for several minutes mumbling something about young juicy tushes.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's party faired poorly in recent regional elections. Berlusconi has no idea why. People don't like an incompetent, corrupt adulterer, who childishly derides anyone who disagrees with him? I thought this was Italy!
winner: Obiang

Morales vs Karzai
Indigenous President of Bolivia, Evo Morales, is railing against American imperialism yet again. He gets his inspiration from the large poster of Che Guevara hanging in his office. But don't get too close to the poster, it's very sticky.

As part of his gangsta upbringing, Hamid Karzai refuses to turn in one of his ministers who is accused of corruption. It's part of the gangsta code: Never give into The Man. Someone should probably tell Karzai that he is The Man. It's not standing up to authority when you are the authority. President Obama visited Karzai asking for his help on stopping corruption and to generally stop fucking things up for Obama and doing an overall shitty job.
winner: Karzai

click for Standings

Season 7, Week 5

I'm thinking about making this league infinitely more confusing by adding continent tournaments after the regular season that will determine who makes the playoffs. In any event, let's get to the results.

Kim vs Obiang
It's been a bad week for Kim Jong-Il of North Korea. He could be indicted by the International Criminal Court and he was named as Mr. Blackwell's Worst Dressed Dictator Since Gaddafi. Apparently, "the style of the two men resembles half the cast of a 1980s sitcom about the sex lives of elderly women." Meeeow!

British mercenary Simon Mann was recently released from prison after being convicted of trying to overthrow Equatorial Guinean President Teodoro Obiang. Mann's wife called Obiang a "lovely" dictator. She also said he has the softest balls, like a kitten; he has a succulent mushroom head, and the asshole of an angel. Obiang reportedly made sure Mann received excellent care while in prison, including quality health care and gourmet meals. Kinda makes you think the rest of Equatorial Guinea should try to overthrow him.
winner: Kim

Karzai vs Shwe
According to his psychiatrist, Adam Silverberg, Hamid Karzai wears his trademark karakul hat in an attempt to replace his feelings of inadequacy with the attention the garish accessory brings. The source of his feelings of inadequacy stems from his inability to restore law and order to Kandahar, do anything to stop the Taliban, or be fairly elected. Dr. Silverberg describes Karzai's condition as "electile dysfunction."

Even before Than Shwe steals the upcoming Burmese election, his Myanmar-ruling junta is stealing everything else. As they begin "privatizing" the economy. They're selling off state assets to the highest bidder (who happens to be associated with the junta). Democratization and capitalism. See, Than Shwe is finally appeasing the West!
winner: Karzai

Morales vs Ahmadinejad
Bolivian president, Evo Morales, is a radical authoritarian and harsh critic of the U.S. He claims that the U.S. is trying to control Latin American governments through its war on drugs and that the U.S. dominates the OAS. I bet he probably holds the genocide of his fellow Indians against us too. That crazy socialist dictator needs a reality check. But seriously, I wouldn't smoke your next cigar.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has recently called the attacks of 9/11 a lie, saying that if you believe 9/11 happened, then you probably believe the refs didn't give the Super Bowl to the Saints. Ahmadinejad is a huge Colts fan. In fact, in his mind, the Colts have won the last 5 Super Bowls. Contrary to U.S. policy, the NFL has chosen to ignore the Iranian leader and his incendiary statements.
winner: Ahmadinejad

al-Bashir vs Berlusconi
Regardless of the possible peace deal between the government and Darfur rebels or his recent campaigning in Rumbek, analysts applaud al-Bashir's electoral strategy. The strategy? Stealing it. Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi once hired the mafia to protect his family. But that was a long time ago. Recently, he's been racking up mistresses and corruption charges. You wonder why people are coming out in droves to protest this guy? I mean, he's Italian, what do you expect? Have these people never watched The Godfather?
winner: al-Bashir

click for Standings

Season 7, Week 4

AmIAnnoying.com, a site that almost makes less sense than this one, has a collection featuring the Evil Leaders League's competitors. So far, 7 of our evil leaders, from past and present seasons, have an annoying rating of 100%, with Season 5's Ayatollah Khamenei garnering the most votes from this group this year. Felipe Calderon, from Season 4, is the only participant with an under 50% annoying rating. But what about his plot to invade America with a squadron of illegal immigrants and talking chihuahuas? Anyway, let's get to the results.

Shwe vs al-Bashir
Aung San Suu Kyi, one of the numerous political prisoners in Than Shwe's Myanmar, lost her latest appeal to end over a decade under house arrest. Lucky for her, she has X-Box 360 and a killer sound system in her house. Unlucky for the rest of the country, she's still not free to lead them. But lucky for Shwe as it bolsters his evilness cred. He's keeping it real.

A peace deal between Omar al-Bashir's Sudanese government and the rebels of Darfur has actually been met with an increase in fighting. It was probably a bad sign that the paper the peace agreement was printed on used to be the skin of a former Darfur resident. That should've been the rebel's first clue things wouldn't work out.
winner: al-Bashir

Ahmadinejad vs Kim
In a bid to be Barry Sanders to Israel's Harlon Barnett, Iran is reportedly trying to avoid a hit by hiding their nukes in a mountain, which is a good reason to boycott the 2018 Winter Olympics in Tehran. Well, at least the skiers should. Very crafty by Iranian leader, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is short, hirsute, and likes to make Holocaust jokes. Are we sure he isn't a Jew?

Celebrating Kim Jong-Il's 68th birthday, North Korean officials regarded him as "peerlessly brilliant because we've never heard of Albert Einstein. Not even Amartya Sen." But before you scoff so loudly someone in the room asks, "What?" consider this: Kim is an international pariah, has spent his entire reign starving his people, and may have died 5 years ago; yet, he's still in power! Pretty genius if you think about.
winner: Kim

Berlusconi vs Karzai
The womanizing xenophobic Prime Minister of Italy is Silvio Berlusconi. Berlusconi is facing 2 corruption charges, inducing him to describe the Italian legal system as run by a band of Taliban (or a "Taliband" if you will and hope that you won't). After renting a DVD of the Sopranos and watching episodes of the Jersey Shore online, the Taliban said they were offended to be associated with anything Italian.

The opponents of Afghan leader Hamid Karzai note that the country's justice system is in shambles. They describe the legal system as run by a band of Italians. Karzai admitted that he's an election-stealing, corrupt, incompetent leader, but claimed that was going too far. The opposition quickly apologized.
winner: Berlusconi

Morales vs Obiang
Bolivia's President Evo Morales is an inspiration to indigenous people, has worked to empower women in his country, and has acted to alleviate poverty. But he doesn't have to be so fucking arrogant about it.

Captain Bienvenido Esono Engoga, a high-level security officer, has been fired and arrested for attempting to kill Equatorial Guinean dictator, Teodoro Obiang. Obiang has ruled Equatorial Guinea for 30 years and recently won another 7-year term with 95.73% of the vote. I guess we know at least one of the 4.27% who didn't vote him. Captain Engoga said he never really meant to kill the ruthless totalitarian; he was just being sarcastic.
winner: Obiang

click for Standings

Season 7, Week 3

I think the amount of snow that fell on the DC area recently gave a few of our evil leaders some new torture ideas. Let's get to the results.

Karzai vs Ahmadinejad
As Nelson Mandela famously explained, his tribe, the Zulu, have a tradition where boys are circumcised at age 19. The Popolzai, Afghan head Hamid Karzai's tribe, have a similar tradition where a 52-year-old's sack finally drops. Karzai celebrated by demanding a halt to the killing of Afghan civilians and asking for a handover of security to begin this year. He also has called for reconciliation with the Taliban. That might be good policy for Afghanistan, but in the U.S., that's about as evil as a gay marriage. Or a slight increase in government regulation.

In a recent speech to Hashish Partiers, Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was caught with notes written on his hand. The notes read: 1) Arrest political opponents 2) Get nuclear weapon 3) Lower Jewish spirits. Most conservative Iranians found the act to be "folksy."
winner: Karzai

Berlusconi vs Kim
On a recent trip to Israel, Silvio Berlusconi, the Prime Minister of Italy, didn't notice that a wall separates it from Palestine. He also didn't notice that, at the checkpoint, he had to get out of an official Israeli car and into an official Palestinian one. He said he was concentrating too hard on what he was going to say at an upcoming press conference. He should use the same excuse with his wife. "Sorry honey. I was so focused on my speech, I had no idea I was fucking that girl."

Kim Jong-Il calls the charge that wild swings in North Korea's currency are responsible for the country's mass starvation, "Western lies and propaganda." The bespectacled autocrat claims with a good bit of indignation that his currency policy has had nothing to do with the crisis; his people have been starving for years!
winner: Kim

Obiang vs al-Bashir
Eve, the rapper, and her boyfriend are in trouble on suspicions of money laundering. Eve's boyfriend happens to the Minister of Agriculture and Forestry in Equatorial Guinea. The Minister of Agriculture and Forestry happens to be the son of President Teodoro Obiang. In other news, Missy Elliot is dating the Minister of Relations with the Parliament and Judicial Affairs of the Government Angel Masie Mibuy, Da Brat is with the Minister of Foreign Affairs, International Cooperation, and Francophony Micha Ondo Bile, and Foxy Brown is tied to the Minister of Justice, Cults, and Penitentiary Institutions Mauricio Bokung Asumu. What can I say, '90s female rappers are into Equatorial Guinean ministers.

Sudanese Omar al-Bashir's Chief of Staff reportedly called moderate Islamic fundamentalists "fucking retards." When asked if he should lose his job for the comment, a random woman from Darfur said, "Oh my word, that's a terrible thing to say. I haven't eaten for 8 months, the government-funded Janjaweed militia cut off my nose and raped me 17 times, but that's objectionable. The feelings of a particularly sensitive person could've been hurt. What a tragedy."
winner: al-Bashir

Shwe vs Morales
Myanmar's Burmese ruler, Than Shwe, asserts that his country's upcoming elections will be as "free and fair" as Fox News is "fair and balanced." He added, "They'll be free alright. But just remember, you get what you pay for." Not only is Bolivian president Evo Morales a trouble-making indigenous leftist, but he's also one of those feminazis, as he has been promoting women's rights. If the women aren't in the kitchen, who's going to stick his political opponents in the oven?
winner: Shwe

click for Standings

Season 7, Week 2

I wonder what percentage of evil leaders had big titties when they were little boys. Maybe there's some kind of little boy titties to evilness correlation. Somebody's got to do a study on this. I nominate Kansas State.

Shwe vs Kim
Burmese ruler Than Shwe recently decreed that, when it comes to elections, it's Myanmar not Youranmar. He has the sharing habits of a kindergartener. However, Shwe has said that he will release democracy advocate and former candidate Aung San Suu Kyi in November. Just in time for sweeps! And just in time for Suu Kyi to congratulate the winner of Myanmar's first election since she won twenty years ago. North Korea, led by Kim Jong-Il, is going to test missiles yet again. This does nothing to counter the stereotype that Asians love tests.
winner: Kim

Berlusconi vs Morales
The Prime Minister of Italy, Silvio Berlusconi, who's had more cosmetic surgeries than the cast of The Hills, is in the middle a of corruption scandal. Jay Leno is the host of The Tonight Show. What is this, 1994? Well no, 'cause then Berlusconi's mistress would only be 4 years old. While watching Evo Morales's second inauguration as the president of Bolivia, I forgot he was a radical anti-American socialist. Mostly because I was focusing on how distinctly Indian he looks. Plus I don't speak Spanish, so who knows what the hell he was saying.
winner: Berlusconi

al-Bashir vs Ahmadinejad
Everyone knows Omar al-Bashir and Tiger Woods have had PR problems of late. But did you know they both hired the same publicist? Unfortunately the publicist got confused, which is why Omar al-Bashir recently checked himself into sex rehab and Tiger Woods declared that he would honor the results of a referendum on southern Sudan's self-determination scheduled for 2011.

As was the case with George W. Bush, Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was elected president amid controversy over hanging chads- especially if chad is a pseudonym for Iranian opposition activists. Ahmadinejad's just lucky he hung people and not dogs, or else PETA would be on his ass. And he'd have to serve jail time, too.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Karzai vs Obiang
Afghanistan's Hamid Karzai reinstated human rights violator Abdul Rashid Dostum over the West's objections.
THIS JUST IN: General Dostum reportedly has inappropriate pictures of Hamid Karzai. An inside source familiar with one photo claims that, in the depiction, Karzai has exchanged his trademark karakul hat and emerald green cape for a sequined one-piece, sunglasses, and a jheri curl in an apparent tribute to Michael Jackson. In the snapshot, Karzai is grabbing his crotch with his gloved hand and saluting with the other, tears streaming down his cheeks.

In granting Haiti aid after a devastating earthquake, Teodoro Obiang is quoted as saying, "Although our two countries are separated by an ocean, Equatorial Guinea stands with the victims in Haiti in this time of distress and chaos." On receiving aid from a nation with a life expectancy of 42.8 years, Haitian officials have called it the country's "Joe Pisarcik moment."
winner: Karzai

click for Standings

Season 7, Week 1

We're back! And we're doing things a little different this season. Each contest will occur every two weeks. Yet, each round of battles will curiously be labeled the same as before (Week 1, Week 2, etc.). Hey, the Dallas Cowboys are in the East; competition doesn't make sense sometimes. The change will give each evil leader more time to commit their evil deeds. And, hopefully, increase the quality of each post. Everything else will be the same.

Let's meet the competitors:
Than Shwe - leader of Myanmar since 1992. Champion last season.
Kim Jong-Il - head of North Korea since 1994. Finished 2nd.
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Finished 3rd.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - a leader of Iran since 2005. Finished 4th.
Teodoro Obiang - ruling Equatorial Guinea since 1979. Finished 5th.
Silvio Berlusconi - Prime Minister for the 3rd time since 2008. New.
Hamid Karzai - ruler of Afghanistan since 2001. New.
Evo Morales - President of Bolivia since 2006. New.

Shwe vs Berlusconi
Than Shwe, the Burmese bomber, will oversee elections in Myanmar this year. He has urged his people to make the "correct choices." Some might argue the implied portion of that quote is... "or you will be chopped up into little pieces and fed to the dogs," but I say that's just good campaigning. No one would bat an eye if Obama made that claim before this year's midterms.

I don't know why the recent attack against Silvio Berlusconi was such a big story. The rule is after every 10 scandals, you get hit in the face with a statuette of Milan Cathedral. It's right there in the Italian Constitution. And don't get too upset that his 18-year old mistress is young enough to be his great granddaughter. You should be upset that she might actually be his great granddaughter. He has so many, it's hard to keep track.
winner: Shwe

Kim vs Morales
I'm the Kim Jong-Illest emcee
Who heads North Korea? That be me
Sell nukes to pariahs for a fee
While I laugh as my peeps go hun-gry
From the hit song "I'm the Kim Jong-Illest" off the album Literally Born to Rule, which, according to an official government press release, has gone 10 times platinum in North Korea.

Evo Morales is the first indigenous president of Bolivia, which means the conquistadores failed to eradicate at least one Indian tribe. That's egg on their faces. America is worried about Morales because he's your typical Latin American leftist. He nationalized the oil industry and demands reparations from industrialized nations over climate change. But, as is the case with all liberal men, he only holds these positions in an attempt to sleep with Jane Fonda.
winner: Kim

Karzai vs al-Bashir
I don't want to say Hamid Karzai stole the recent Afghan presidential election held last August. I also don't want to say that Tiger Woods enjoys philandering. Stating the obvious makes me gassy. Omar al-Bashir's Sudan is also set to have an election this year. Most pundits don't think al-Bashir will lose. Mostly because if anyone else receives a vote, they die. Who knows, maybe they'll get reincarnated into people who vote for Karzai next time.
winner: al-Bashir

Ahmadinejad vs Obiang
One of the conundrums surrounding Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is that he's evil enough to provoke protests for the last 7 months, and yet, not evil enough to halt people from protesting for the last 7 months. Another conundrum is how a short hirsute man dressed in casual attire doesn't get more booty. I hear that's the new "in" look. Equatorial Guinea's Teodoro Obiang has pledged $2 million in aid to Haiti. See, stealing your nation's oil money can be beneficial. Now, it'd be great if only some other corrupt dictator would give a part of his stolen oil money to aid the majority of Equatorial Guinea's population. I'm looking at you, José Eduardo dos Santos of Angola.
winner: Obiang

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