Season 2 Review

We've had a great Evil Leaders League season. You've laughed, you've cried, but mostly you've said, "I don't get the reference and even if I did, I couldn't imagine how that'd be funny." Well, I think you're an asshole and so does our crop of eight evil competitors.

The Champion - Omar al-Bashir 6-1 (2-0) [all time: 11-3 (4-0)]
I spilled soda on the carpet not too long ago. That's not as bad as funding the jangaweed militia which is committing genocide in the Darfur region of Sudan. The continued genocide in Darfur is the reason why Omar al-Bashir took his second straight ELL title in season 2. He's not thrilled that the Christian south has autonomy either. I hope one day the people of Sudan will experience peace and happiness and Omar al-Bashir will spend the rest of his days sitting in the corner crying naked and fingering himself. For now al-Bashir is a champion.

Check out the best out-of-context lines from this season in the Highlights section.

The Challengers
Hugo Chavez 4-3 (1-1) [9-5 (1-2)] - He's got a kind of anti-imperialist type of evilness. It's been working for him. His next step needs to be cutting off the balls of dissedenters.
Vladimir Putin 6-1 (0-1) - He had a surprisingly evil season. Putin did his best Soviet Union impression. Those were some evil times. I miss them.
Kim Jong-Il 4-3 (0-1) [9-5 (1-2)] - He spent this season makeing concessions and starving his people, hence the mixed reviews. Still better than the reviews of his karaoke performances.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad 3-4 [8-6 (0-1)] - He's been called the Hitler of this generation. If that's true, this generation sucks. He is not the leader of his country and makes meaningless threats against the US and Israel, which is like me threatening Shaquille O'Neal (keep in mind that I'm a short Jew). Ahmadinejad is like Hitler in one way, he's short (like me!).

The Relegated
Islam Karimov 3-4 - Lost a run-off match to Ahmadinejad. Turns out boiling people isn't evil enough.
Alexander Lukashenko 2-5 [6-8] - He had a nice run. Maybe he'll come back in a couple of seasons with a new sense of evil purpose.
Nicolas Sarkozy 0-7 - Turns out the leader of France is not so evil. He's a pro-American ruler of a relatively friendly nation. Maybe calls to boycott France were a tad overblown and insane.

Some Facts and Figures:
Uses of the word during the second ELL season - some variation of "fuck" 6 times; some variation of "ass" 3 times; some variation of "shit" 3 times; "evil" 36 times; "pope" twice; "jerking off" once; "genocide" 10 times.
5 people will return for next season.
3 people won't be back for next season
2 references to the evil French Empire.
2 evil leaders tied for 5th.
1 reference to X-box, the Detroit Lions, and the Falkland Islands.

Join us next season for more Evil Leaders League action.

Season 2, ELL Finals Game 2

I've been told that Columbus Day is not a Christian holliday by a Christian friend. Eh, I don't think he knows what the hell he's talking about. Here is Game 2 of the best of 3 series for the ELL Championship:

Chavez vs al-Bashir
Hugo Chavez of Venezuela has teamed up with fellow evil leader Nicolas Sarkozy of France in order to get the release of several hostages captured by the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (FARC). Since the enemy of my enemy is my friend, the US and FARC are now allies. Chavez has introduced reforms calling for a maximum six-hour work day. Of course that means the president won't get as much time, so the length of each term should be expanded from 6 to 7 and term limits should be removed. Very crafty Senor Chavez. Omar al-Bashir of Sudan will be traveling to Italy and meeting the pope, something that makes Chavez mighty jealous. In an effort to get the Pope Benedict's support for the genocide in Darfur, Omar al-Bashir hopes to massage his holiness' balls to the point of ejaculation (how can something so wrong, feel so right). Now that's motherfucking evil!
winner: al-Bashir
series: al-Bashir 2-0

Congratulations to Omar al-Bashir for winning his second straight championship in the Evil Leaders League! The season in review extravaganza is still to come.

Season 2, ELL Finals Game 1

The ELL Finals will be a best of 3 series (first one to 2 wins), with a short turn-around in between contests. Sudan's Omar al-Bashir is making his second consecutive appearance in the final round. He is the defending evil champion. Hugo Chavez of Venezuela is making his first finals showing in this, his second playoffs. Chavez has never beaten al-Bashir in ELL action. The Sudanese president beat Chavez in the regular season each of the last two seasons and in the last playoffs.

You've been waiting for this the whole season... the "analysis" of today's "evil" leaders that neither Ward Churchill nor Ann Coulter have the balls to give (for different reasons). Here is the result from Game 1 of the ELL Finals:

al-Bashir vs Chavez
UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon is giving his left nut to try and stop the genocide in the Darfur region of Sudan. That's more than I would do (the left is my favorite). Ban has gotten pledges from evil leaders, past and present, to move peace talks along. Meanwhile, a peace treaty between the north and south, which halted the civil war in 2005, could be in jeopardy. With all of this killing, there might not be any people left in Sudan before long. That would hurt Omar al-Bashir in the ELL, because it's hard to be evil without people. But until that point, Omar al-Bashir will continue to succeed in this league.

Whereas Omar al-Bashir is a vicious lion, Hugo Chavez is an annoying gnat. He's threatened the US with Vietnam-like guerrilla warfare if they assist in overthrowing leftist leaders in Latin America (what, Iraq-style guerrilla warfare isn't good enough for you? Racist). He's accused the US of devising those very plans. Listen Hugo Chavez... uh, who the fuck told you about those plans? Was it Jimmy Carter? Damn that self-righteous asshole! This is what happens when ex-presidents are given access to intelligence reports. Uh, wait! I mean, what plans? The US doesn't engage in covert action in Latin America. That Hugo Chavez has a wild imagination.
winner: al-Bashir
series: al-Bashir 1-0

Season 2, Semis 2nd Leg

This week will determine who makes the second ever Evil Leaders League finals. Let's check out the results from the 2nd leg of the ELL semifinals:

Kim vs al-Bashir
Kim Jong-Il and his North Korean government are reaching a diplomatic thaw with the United States. Kim drives a hard bargain. In exchange for closing his nuclear program by year's end, North Korea will received significant economic aid (gimme the loot, gimme the loot) and be taken off the list of terrorist nations, and put on the list of happy, pretty, fun-time nations. As Kim gradually shifts towards mainstream global politics, one wonders whether this new-found diplomacy is all a devious plot or a desperate attempt to save his fledging country. We can only speculate right now, so we'll take him at face value for now.

Omar al-Bashir, the leader of Sudan, had a meeting with UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, and Ban came away impressed. Ban believes peace will come to Darfur soon. After the meeting, the Sudanese president went home and watched his favorite comedian, Weird al-Yankovic. Meanwhile Arab militias in Darfur have turned on each other, probably because they've already killed everyone else in the region. A great way to ensure the peace is to make certain their aren't any people alive to fight.
winner 2nd leg: al-Bashir by 10
winner overall: al-Bashir by 35

Chavez vs Putin
Venezuela has a president who make stick around for awhile; his name is Hugo Chavez. He likes his job and is hoping for a little job security- like for the rest of time. He wants to be president longer than I'll stay a loser (good luck Hugo). he's also helping Columbian refugees, which I'm sure negatively affects the US somehow. Vladimir Putin of Russia is preparing his country for a lower house election coming up in a few months. Evidently, his approval rating is at 80%. Wait, the Kremlin just found out about a few more dissenters. Putin's approval rating is up to 82% now.
2nd leg winner: Putin by 1
winner overall: Chavez by 2

Season 2, Semis 1st Leg

This is the semifinals of the Evil Leaders League's second season. The playoffs will consist of two legs in this round, best aggregate score wins. The finals is a best of 3 series, but we'll worry about that when we get there. First we have the task of determining who is the evil leader to be relegated. Islam Karimov and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad tied for 5th, so the winner of a one matchup tie-breaker will stay in the ELL for Season 3 and the loser will not return for next season.

Karimov vs Ahmadinejad
Uzbekistan's President Islam Karimov doesn't want leave the ELL just as quickly as he came in. He's trying to avoid a one and done affair. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from Iran made the playoffs last season and would like another attempt to do the same next season.

This matchup boils down to a simple formula. Karimov is a power-hungry man, who is planning on staying in power even though Uzbekistan is supposed to have a presidential election this year. He also boils people. Not personally, I'm sure he has one of his minions actually do the boiling. Ahmadinejad was democratically elected and must answer to his campaign promises. He throws out the occasional nuclear threat (not even a bomb, just an energy program) and the western world shits themselves. Sometimes words are more powerful than boiling people. I guess. That's pretty stupid actually, but I don't run the world... yet. Avenging his regular season loss and staying in the league...
winner: Ahmadinejad

Now for the semifinals. Here are the results from the 1st leg:

al-Bashir vs Kim
This is the rematch of last year's final, where Sudan's Omar al-Bashir swept through North Korea's Kim Jong-Il, 2-0. They've split their 2 regular season matchups. The Boston Globe reports that Sudan has actually blossomed in the face of US-imposed sanctions. I'm not sure how they reached that conclusion with a genocide continuing. Maybe the few people still alive can enjoy more of what's left. Omar al-Bashir constantly amazes me. Not only is he an economic god, but "triple 20" as he's known in the dart-throwing world just won his 18th consecutive Sudanese National Dart-throwing championship. That beats Jafar Numayri's run of 16 years in a row.

The summit between Kim Jong-Il and South Korea's Roh Moo-Hyun is scheduled for October 2-4 in Pyongyang. It would be the second meeting between the two countries since they were divided. I'm glad they're moving towards peace, but it's not very evil. North Korea was hit with heavy rain in recent weeks, leading to flooding. Kim Jong-Il was nowhere to be seen, drawing criticism from some. That's mean, but not evil. He also contracted gonorrhea. Not a good week for Kim.
winner: al-Bashir by 25

Putin vs Chavez
Vladimir Putin, the leader of Russia, lost to Venezuela's Hugo Chavez in the regular season. Now he's building up his military. Putin is also reportedly very sexy. His body is more ripped than my $200 pair of jeans (I don't own a garment worth anywhere near that much). I want to run my tongue up and down the peaks and valleys of his chiseled stomach. Umm, wait, never mind. Awkward. Hugo Chavez bought 5,000 Russian rifles on ebay and totally jacked the studly Putin. Chavez changed Venezuela's time zone. His country donates more money to Latin America than the US. He's getting the military force, the popular support, and now a head start in his future war with the US (if we attack first). He's becoming a very dangerous person. Soon he's gonna be able to eat lighting and crap thunder.
winner: Chavez by 3

Season 2, Week 7

Here we are, the final week of the Evil Leaders League regular season. You know the deal, the top four teams advance to the playoffs, and the top five will return next season while the bottom three are relegated. Let's get the results for Week 7 of the ELL:

Sarkozy vs Putin
France's president Nicolas Sarkozy (pronounced in a snoody accent) sent his foreign minister, Bernard Kouchner, to Iraq. The move shows both that Sarkozy wants the French to have a role in Iraq and that US-French relations are becoming warmer. I bet Sarkozy's next move is to ask America to change the name of our beloved freedom fries back to french fries. No dice Nic! You'll never Frenchify American culture you frog bastard! Vladimir Putin of Russia has sold missiles to Syria and accused the US of trying to dominate the world.
winner: Putin

al-Bashir vs Kim
Sudan's President Omar al-Bashir said that the war (genocide) in Darfur is a pretext for the United States and Britain to re-colonize Sudan. First of all, the US never colonized Sudan and second, the bigger threat comes from China and their led-based toys for oil program. According to Roland Bleiker's Divided Korea, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il reacted harshly after US president George Bush placed North Korea in his "Axis of Evil." It was only then that Kim broke his nuclear agreements. In recent news, Kim has pushed back a meeting with the South Korean leadership until October, but this is in an atmosphere of potentially gradual warming of relations. Kim beat al-Bashir in the regular season last season, but lost 2-0 in the ELL Finals at the end of Season 1.
winner: al-Bashir

Karimov vs Lukashenko
Islam Karimov, the president of Uzbekistan, has about a 10 percent change of being gay. There's a similar chance that he'll be out of power, like the Uzbek constitution says he should be. Instead, Karimov very well might mend the constitution to allow him to stay in power. Staying in power: evil; doing it by constitutional means: not as evil. Belarus has a president named Alexander Lukashenko. Lukashenko hates Poles more than an American Jew does. Lukashenko was pleased when Polish political leaders weren't allowed entry into Belarus for Polish Army Day. That's bad news for his country's 400,000 Poles. Lukashenko continuously states an old Belarussian proverb, "There's an old saying in Osipovichi, I know it's in Minsk, it's probably in Osipovichi, that says 'When a Pole is killed, my penis grows 3 inches.... Hahahahahahaha!!!! ... Do you get it? Polish people dying gives me an erection.... How come nobody's laughing?'" Never underestimate a small penis' role in creating an evil leader.
winner: Lukashenko

Chavez vs Ahmadinejad
The winner of this matchup will make the playoffs, the loser will tie Islam Karimov for 5th and a possible relegation. Hugo Chavez beat Mahmoud Ahmadinejad last regular season. Chavez is the president of Venezuela. He's going to pull an Islam Karimov and change the constitution to allow him to be re-elected indefinitely. Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran, called the Israeli flag a symbol of Satan. He's also countering US presence in Azerbaijan (I hear Baku is lovely in Springtime) and he plans on visiting Baghdad to the dismay of the United States. But Chavez has a charisma with the downtrodden of Latin America and the uptrodden of Hollywood that Ahmadinejad doesn't even have with his own mother (she thinks he's too lazy. She also likes that Jew-lovin'). That charisma along with his power-hungry nature (he even eats power at Fourthmeal) and his stockpiling weapons for a potential war with the US could be dangerous (if we attack first).
winner: Chavez

standings:
al-Bash 6-1
Putin 6-1
Kim J-I 4-3
Chavez 4-3
Karimo 3-4
Ahmad 3-4
Lukash 2-5
Sarkozy 0-7

Season 2, Week 6

Has anyone seen that guy with a Virginia license plate "NVMYLEX" (envy my Lexus)? If one of our enemies should drop a nuclear bomb on us, I hope in lands on him and his family and only them. Let's check out the results from Week 6 of the ELL:



al-Bashir vs Chavez
Sudanese President Omar al-Bashir has done it again. Did you know that the genocide in Darfur is China's fault? Poor Omar al-Bashir wants the dangerous Darfur rebel army to come to the table to negotiate a peace deal, but those bullies won't, so it's their fault too. The fact is that Omar al-Bashir is responsible for the worst human rights tragedy in the world and somehow it's everyone else's fault. That's fucking evil! Hugo Chavez of Venezuela is cute with his crazy threats against America, but his record doesn't compare to the carnage Omar al-Bashir has on his hands (not literally, al-Bashir washes regularly). Chavez has signed an agreement to provide oil to many Latin American countries. How sweet. Omar al-Bashir beat Chavez in the playoffs last season and won in the regular season.
winner: al-Bashir (again)



Ahmadinejad vs Kim
In an op-ed piece for the Jerusalem Post, Caroline Glick said that "aside from being a messianic, genocidal killer, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is also an economic dunce." What the fuck? "Messianic, genocidal killer?" Don't you have to kill like a whole bunch of people to be called that? Evidently not. That's the type of overblown outrageous illogical inaccurate rant that makes my hoo ha as erect as it's been since I last saw Ann Coulter. Sorry, I have a thing for women who pull crazy shit out of there ass (not (just) literally). When Ahmadinejad isn't committing a fictitious genocide, he is firing his oil and industry ministers because he is a bit of an economic dunce.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il is set to meet with South Korea's president Roh Moo-Hyun later this month in the second ever Inter-Korea summit. They hope to works toward peace. Wait, what the fuck happened to the Kim Jong-Il we used to know? The Kim Jong-Il who starved his own people and threatened the world with nuclear weapons? Now he's engaging in the type of diplomacy that not even US President George Bush would engage in. So Ahmadinejad repeats his regular season victory last season and avenges his playoff defeat at the hands of the same competitor because of something he didn't do; thanks to Caroline Glick.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Karimov vs Sarkozy
Uzbekistan will be celebrating another anniversary of its independence. President Islam Karimov wants the pop songs at the ceremony to be "like totally patriotic and none of that Brittney Spears shit." It's Uzbekistan's sweet sixteen, so they're getting two DJs, a dance floor, a choice of chicken or rat, cute boys, and plenty of punch. It's gonna be rad. France's Evil Emperor Nicolas Sarkozy met with US President George Bush and reportedly desires warm and friendly ties. That bastard! Boycott France!! Sarkozy's hot wife didn't attend the picnic the two leaders had for one another. While Bush tried to hold his own in the face of the monstrously evil messianic genocidal killer, Nicolas Sarkozy, the two enjoyed ham sandwiches and grape soda. Sarkozy dropped a couple of potato chips and the ants stormed the checkered blanket. All part of the French's plan to invade America's picnics with tons ants. Not even the US President is safe!
winner: Karimov

Lukashenko vs Putin
This is a matchup between two men who act like family. Russia's Vladimir Putin is the harsh but loving older brother. Belarus' President Alexander Lukashenko is the spoiled younger brother. Putin turned Lukashenko around, gave him a wedgie, took his gas money, and sarcastically said "thank you" while walking away.
winner: Putin

standings:
Putin 5-1
al-Bash 5-1
Kim J-I 4-2
Chavez 3-3
Karimo 3-3
Ahmad 3-3
Lukash 1-5
Sarkozy 0-6

Season 2, Week 5

I was driving on Route 66 and passed by a Lexus with the Virginia license plate "NVMYLEX" (envy my Lexus).

I don't envy your Lexus sir, I envy your humility and secure sense of self-worth. I know eight evil leaders who might envy you too. Here are the results from Week 5 of the ELL:

al-Bashir vs Ahmadinejad
Sudan's President Omar al-Bashir Tikki Tikki Tembo No Sarimbo Hari Kari Bushkie Perry Pem Do Hai Kai Pom Pom Nikki No Meeno Dom Barako seems to agree in principle with UN resolutions and then not follow through with them. It's called diplomacy. It's somehow gotten the proposed sanctions on Sudan softened in an upcoming UN resolution. Good for him, but not entirely evil. Although getting sanctions softened while a genocide persists is pretty evil. Kudos. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad doesn't even bother with agreeing to UN resolutions. He's been called a wackjob, wacko, madman, loony tunes, and a Holocaust denier, but he had the good sense to send his condolences to Bill Walsh's family upon hearing of his passing.
winner: al-Bashir (for the 2nd time against Ahmadinejad in as many contests)

Chavez vs Kim
Hugo Chavez, the man in the middle of Venezuelan politics has criticized his former oil ministers for favoring foreign oil companies and running away with the country's wealth. That's only kinda evil, but we've come to expect a lot out of Chavez, who certainly talks the evil talk. North Korea's leader is a rabid anti-smoker who has been quite nervous due to recent elections in his country. In the end Kim Jong-Il won with 117% of the vote (margin of error +/- 17%). All of his preferred candidates won by a convincing margin (all of it). Even the dogs he bet on won their fights. For all we criticize North Korean society, at least they got one thing right- dog fighting's not illegal over there.
winner: Kim (that makes 2 out of 2 against Chavez)

Putin vs Karimov
Vladimir Putin of Russia won't run for a third election in a row. That's not evil. He very well may come back in 2012. That's not really evil either, but it is arrogant and power-hungry, qualities that one needs to be evil. He's also had school textbooks rewrite history to fit Putin's vision. That's more like it. Uzbekistan, currently rated the 3rd best "stan" country in the world, is run by Islam Karimov. Islam Karimov has shut down an independent Islamic newspaper and yes, he gets the irony. Karimov has boiled people and made an upcoming election disappear, but this is a what-have-you-done-lately league. Lately, Karimov has jailed his political opponents while Putin has more subtly poisoned them.
winner: Putin

Lukashenko vs Sarkozy
Both are winless this season. Both are European dictators. But only one is French. Alexander Lukashenko is not that man, he's the president of Belarus, which is like a cross between Russia and Bella Abzug's house, I think. Lukashenko is about to dismiss Prime Minister Sergei Sidorsky, because he doesn't like the shape of Sergei's neck, specifically saying, "I don't like the shape of Sergei's neck." Lukashenko generally sacks his prime minister every two to three years and after they're done playing football, Lukashenko fires them to prevent powerful political rivals. Nicolas Sarkozy is the president of the evil French Empire, hell-bent on destroying America. Sarkozy went so far as to cut taxes for the rich. He's included minority women in his cabinet including the extremely conservative Condoleezza Riz. Really, I'm gonna end this week on that inordinately awful joke?
winner: Lukashenko

standings:
Putin 4-1
al-Bash 4-1
Kim J-I 4-1
Chavez 3-2
Karimo 2-3
Ahmad 2-3
Lukash 1-4
Sarkozy 0-5

Season 2, Week 4

The Nats just lost in 14 innings, so this is coming 5 innings late. Here are the results from Week 4 of the ELL:

Sarkozy vs Chavez
France's president Nicolas Sarkozy met with former ELL star Muammar Ghadafy, the leader of Libya, after the latter released six Bulgarian medics accused of spreading HIV to Libyan children. The medics claimed they confessed to the crime after being tortured. Libya had maintained that one contracts the virus through contact with Bulgarian medics. Sarkozy rewarded Libya's gesture. Hugo Chavez of Venezuela is getting ready to expel foreign critics from his country. Limiting foreigners' free speech in combination with curtaining domestic criticism, is a nice way to gain ground in the ELL. But at least Chavez isn't French.
winner: Chavez

Ahmadinejad vs Putin
Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad continues to scream that Iran should be allowed to have a nuclear program to anyone who will listen. Unfortunately for him, people aren't listening anymore since Lindsay Lohan was accused of another DUI. Listen girlfriend, get your act together! Vladimir wants to beef up the Russian military and his floppy genitals. He wants to increase spying on the west and the length of his erect schlong. He views the US and ED as his major threats. An irritable, determined, and sexually inadequate leader has a good chance at performing evil-doings.
winner: Putin

al-Bashir vs Lukashenko
Omar al-Bashir, the loquacious leader of Sudan, visited the genocide-happy region of Darfur for the first time since the area began witnessing the world's latest holocaust. During the same time, United States presidential hopeful Chris Dodd visited Iowa 173 times. The president of Belarus is Alexander Lukashenko. Belarus missed its last gas payment to Russia, which might mean the gas might stop flowing eastward. Probably not, but embarrassing financial situations don't help with the women or in the ELL. Omar al-Bashir avenges last season's decision against Lukashenko.
winner: al-Bashir

Karimov vs Kim
Islam Karimov, the precocious president of Uzbekistan is likely to stay in power despite proposed elections scheduled for this year. Karimov could invoke several legal measures to ensure he does. Kim Jong-Il of North Korea will stay in power. To prove this, Kim has banned smoking in his country. After his favorite magician was trapped in a box by metal swords and severely injured, Kim banned metal swords, boxes, and injuries to magicians. Kim reportedly looks emaciated due to a hunger strike until the Trix rabbit gets to eat some cereal.
winner: Kim

standings:
Chavez 3-1
Kim J-I 3-1
Putin 3-1
al-Bash 3-1
Karimo 2-2
Ahmad 2-2
Lukash 0-4
Sarkozy 0-4

Season 2, Week 3

Nostradamus may have predicted the rise of Hitler, but he couldn't tell you how our 8 competitors fared in Week 3 of the ELL. Let's get the results:

Karimov vs al-Bashir
Uzbekistan's Islam Karimov makes sure the trials of his former deputies are secretive and that his deputies get the ole Scooter Libby treatment. But capital punishment will be abolished in 2008. What kind of evil leader makes killing illegal? The genocide in the Darfur region of Omar al-Bashir's Sudan continues. The international community continues to try in vain to stop it. This time a conference in Tripoli is suppose to figure things out. Once Karimov starts funding genocidal militias, we'll have something of a contest between these two.
winner: al-Bashir

Chavez vs Putin
Venezuela has a leader by the name of Hugo Chavez. Mr. Chavez has been accused of silencing dissent and practicing the politics of fear and division. I'm not sure how he's practicing the politics of division by silencing dissent and forcing everyone to unify behind his ideology. Simply put, Chavez is his generation's Ho Chi Minh, except more of a dick. And instead of the warm persona of Uncle Ho, Chavez is the fiery Latin lover, interested in corralling not only power, but the hearts of women everywhere. Vladimir Putin of Russia is all about diplomacy. Sure, he's made things difficult for President Bush, but he's no match for Chavez's suave boisterous anti-Americanism. Being a tough negotiator doesn't correlate with wins in this league.
winner: Chavez

Ahmadinejad vs Sarkozy
On the one hand, Mahmood Ahmadinejad, Iran's president, is struggling. Iranian economists believe he gets his inspiration from Ken Lay's Guide to "Running" a "Business". However, Mahmy is determined to keep enriching uranium, like it's his job. That's pretty evil. France's Nicolas Sarkozy wants the president of France to have increased clearly-defined power. What a coincidence, he's the president! He also called for solid checks and balances of that power. Jocking the US Constitution is a sure way to fail in the ELL. But never forget, he's a wine-drinking Frenchman; they're inherently evil.
winner: Ahmadinejad

Kim vs Lukashenko
North Korea has halted their nuclear program in exchange for oil. The country's leader Kim Jong-Il isn't as crazy this week as usual. But this is not the Crazy Leader's League, and evil shrewdness is rewarded. Kim needs to make concessions every now and again to retain power. Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus accused President Bush of supporting the opposition. This comes after Bush strengthened sanctions on "Europe's last dictator." Unfortunately for Lukashenko, his hissy fit hasn't accomplished much. Kim's clever compromise evens their all time head to head tally.
winner: Kim

standings:
Chavez 2-1
Kim J-I 2-1
Putin 2-1
Ahmad 2-1
al-Bash 2-1
Karimo 2-1
Lukash 0-3
Sarkozy 0-3

Season 2, Week 2

Let's get the results from Week 2 of the ELL's second season:

Putin vs al-Bashir
Russia's Vladimir Putin sacked the secretary of the security council Igor Ivanov, because of political reasons according to investigative reports. However, officially Ivanov was fired because of everything from shady financial dealings in the 1970s, pro-Georgian sentiment, anal herpes, and a "ridiculously stereotypical Russian name." While the newcomer Putin is doing a great job of silencing his political opponents, Omar al-Bashir of Sudan had a quiet week. The only evil thing al-Bashir has done lately was to restart his X-box in the 3rd quarter of Madden 07 during an ass-whipping at the hands of the newly appointed governor of South Darfur, Ali Mahmoud.
winner: Putin

Chavez vs Lukashenko
An interesting matchup that features two leaders attempting to forge ties with Iran. Hugo Chavez of Venezuela has more imperialist ambitions than does Belarus' Alexander Lukashenko. That might be ironic considering Chavez considers himself the champion of the anti-American imperialism movement, but hypocrisy helps in the ELL. Chavez is also more dickish than Lukashenko (according to their mistresses).
winner: Chavez

Sarkozy vs Kim
Nicolas Sarkozy, the French president, wants the EU members to figure out the issue of illegal immigration together. Sarkozy wants Hezbollah to cease terrorist acts and traveled to north Africa to sell the idea of a potential Mediterranean Union. None of that sounds very evil, but I'm sure he's fairly rude; after all, he's French. North Korea's supreme leader reportedly pulls many overnighters and looks ill. Hey, scooping out the brains of dissidents deep into the night is strenuous work. So is threatening the world with nuclear weapons.
winner: Kim

Ahmadinejad vs Karimov
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran is willing to continue talks with the United States about stabilizing Iraq according to the Jerusalem Post. What a fucking monster! Islam Karimov is the leader of Uzbekistan. There's suppose to be an election coming up in the "U," but no one's sure if it's still on. Karimov might be campaigning now or maybe there won't be an election. The Uzbek press is allowed to cover the election that may or may not be happening as long as they cover Karimov's campaign, that might exist, favorably. Got that? Doesn't matter, the point is...
winner: Karimov

standings:
Putin 2-0
Karimo 2-0
al-Bash 1-1
Ahmad 1-1
Kim J-I 1-1
Chavez 1-1
Lukash 0-2
Sarkozy 0-2

Season 2, Week 1

This is the second season of the Evil Leaders League. The league will continue to consist of 8 evil leaders, three of which are new. This is a round-robin league, much like the English Premier League soccer, not a tournament. There will be a playoffs at the end of the regular season. This season's Evil Leaders League (ELL) is dedicated to Saddam Hussein, we'll miss you, and Robert Mugabe, who flexed his evil muscle just a few days too late last season.

Let's meet the competitors:
Omar al-Bashir - in charge of Sudan since 1989. Champion last season.
Kim Jong-Il - top dog in North Korea since 1994. Finished 2nd last season.
Hugo Chavez - president of Venezuela since 1999. Finished 3rd.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad - president of Iran since 2005. Finished 4th.
Alexander Lukashenko - president of Belarus since 1994. Finished 5th.
Islam Karimov - leader of Uzbekistan since 1991. New to the ELL.
Vladimir Putin - president of Russia since 1999. New.
Nicolas Sarkozy - president of France since 2007. New.

Week 1
Kim vs Putin
Kim Jong-Il of North Korea had bypass surgery according to a South Korean intelligence agency. The surgery may have done wonders for Bill Clinton's sex life, but it doesn't help in the ELL. Russia's Vladimir Putin has been a rising star in the Evil Leaders minor leagues. He's killing journalists with such frequency, I'm even scared to say something bad about him. Plus, he's cock-blocked George Bush's foreign policy objectives so many times, Bush has resorted to jerking off to old tapes of Margaret Thatcher invading the Falkland Islands.
winner: Putin

Chavez vs Karimov
Hugo Chavez, the leader of Venezuela, has predicted a guerilla war against the United States in the coming years and he's getting his troops ready. Chavez is either a prophet (perhaps a self-fulfilling prophet) or he's insane. That's like the Detroit Lions picking on the Indianapolis Colts, you've got to admire the balls, but it's still ridiculous. Meanwhile Uzbekistan's leader Islam Karimov boils people. It sounds funny, unless you're the one being boiled. In a huge upset...
winner: Karimov

Ahmadinejad vs Lukashenko
A Taiwanese newspaper reported that Iran was cracking down on dissent. When a newspaper from Taiwan is concerned about freedom of speech in another country, you know it's bad. Even in the off-season Ahmadinejad continues to use language to get a rise out of people. He wants to "wipe Israel off the map" even though "Israel" isn't on any Iranian maps. Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus is just taking care of normal business. He's constantly meeting with leaders of various countries, dealing with the ebb and flow of his country's relationship with Russia, and while on the toilet he's thinking about putting a hyphen in between Luka and shenko. It would just be easier for all of us.
winner: Ahmadinejad

al-Bashir vs Sarkozy
The defending champion, Omar al-Bashir of Sudan, is back for a chance to repeat. US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice believes that the threat of sanctions on Sudan should remain. The reason might be because of the genocide being committed by government-funded militias in Darfur. Sarkozy is the newly "elected" president of the evil French empire. He is a strong-willed politician, who also understands the meaning of diplomacy. He's curbed Turkish immigration into EU countries, but he also successfully mediated the recent dispute between the twin Polish gargoylish leaders and the German chancellor at the EU summit. Because of that and many other reasons, Sarkozy is the darling of the world for the moment. But never forget, he's French.
winner: al-Bashir

standings:
al-Bash 1-0
Ahmad 1-0
Putin 1-0
Karimo 1-0
Chavez 0-1
Kim-J 0-1
Lukash 0-1
Sarkozy 0-1